Hello everyone. I need help/advice. I’m a 21 year old man, and I have a genuine problem. I’m unhappy with myself. Particularly, I’m unhappy with my sexuality.
I’ve always had a strong sex drive. Like, really strong. I discovered porn at around 11 years old, and started pleasuring myself not too long after that. Even now, I find myself thinking about sex every single day. Whether a particularly attractive woman passes me, or I’m at home and decide to look at porn, I think about sex multiple times every day. Sometimes, I think about it every hour or two.
Thinking about sex when seeing an attractive woman or masturbating while thinking of a sexual fantasy always makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I feel dirty and perverted for thinking those thoughts, and I feel disappointed in myself after climaxing. After climax, I immediately try and focus on something else. I don’t feel satisfied or comfortable with myself after cumming, so I try to distract myself. But I inevitably start thinking of sex again, and I find myself seeking sexual pleasure again and again.
I was raised in a religious household, and the majority of my peer group is strongly religious. From the 2nd grade onwards, it was drilled into me that sex was only for a man and woman, and that the man and woman MUST be married. I was told that any sexual experience outside of marriage was horribly wrong, and it would only lead to sadness. I was told that those who had sex outside of marriage were no longer “pure” and had ruined their future. All throughout my childhood and teenage years, this religious dogma was drilled into my head. And because I wanted acceptance, approval, and a happy future, I followed every rule.
2 years ago, I decided that I didn’t want to follow a faith anymore. I wanted to figure out life on my own, and not just believe something someone else tells me to believe. I do not believe in religion anymore, but I still feel the same shame and guilt about my strong sexual desires. Every orgasm is immediately followed by self-loathing and a desire to change my sexual drive.
I’m still a virgin. I’ve been in two relationships, both of which I’ve ended because I was scared of my sexual desire. The second girl in particular was amazing. Every time we were together, I couldn’t keep my hands off of her, and she loved it. I wanted to fuck her so badly, but I broke it off. I felt like I was a bad person, because I wasn’t sure we emotionally connected, but I still wanted to fuck her. I am terrified of taking advantage of a woman, and experiencing the guilt that I already feel alone, except in the context of orgasming with another person. I’m scared that my sexual desire is interfering with my ability to emotionally connect with a woman.
I feel like I’m broken. I feel there is something wrong with me. I love sex. I love the exploration of a woman’s body, and the pure savage passion that sex can give. But every time I seek a relationship or pleasure myself, it only brings guilt and shame. What can I do? How do I accept my sexuality? Should I be ashamed of how much I want and think about sex?
2 comments
I know it’s cliche to say seek therapy but seek therapy.
EDIT: I’m doing this part after giving it some thought. I’m not going to go over everything but some things I want to comment on.
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>I’ve always had a strong sex drive. Like, really strong
Nothing wrong with that.
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> I do not believe in religion anymore, but I still feel the same shame and guilt about my strong sexual desires. Every orgasm is immediately followed by self-loathing and a desire to change my sexual drive.
This is where I was saying about seeking therapy. As much I would rather not use a platitude here “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. Its been two years since you left the religion and had something that has been drilled into your head isn’t going to just go away in that little time by itself. This is where therapy would help. I don’t know you personally but it sounds like you might have low self-esteem, I know I’m a guy who has very low self-esteem so I see some signs from what you write.
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> I am terrified of taking advantage of a woman
Valid concern on your part.
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>How do I accept my sexuality? Should I be ashamed of how much I want and think about sex?
I will answer the second part first and say no you shouldn’t be ashamed of your sexual needs or wants. It is perfectly normal for you it might not be for another person but in the end it only matters what you think. To answer your first question for accepting your sexuality well that is part of not feeling ashamed for how much you desire sex. Some people do have higher libidos naturally just as some people have low libidos naturally.
In the end I do hope you find peace with yourself and if you are able to get help do so. I think it will help you put yourself back together.
Dude, you are completely normal. Don’t give yourself such a hard time, look for love, not sex, and it will happen normally. You have hang ups that you will have to deal with but your sex drive is completely normal and natural. Once you accept that you are normal, you will feel Less guilty, and once you look for a woman not a sex object you will feel less guilty. Porn has seriously messed up a generation.