For a little context, 4 years ago I attempted killing my self. I struggled with self harm on and off before and after my attempt but it’s been long enough where most of my scars have faded and the big ones are covered by my tattoo.
Yesterday my boyfriend asked if I felt like he kept secrets. I said “no, do you feel like i do?” And he said “yea a little, but if feel you know if it affects our relationship or not or if it’s something you don’t necessarily need to bring up”
One of my strongest thoughts after that was my attempt and history with self harm.
He knows I have depression and that’s the extent of it.
We tell each other everything, I’m just not sure if this is something important or how I would even bring it up if I end up feeling like it is
And most importantly to me, I don’t want it to negatively affect him in any way
We’ve only been dating for 5 months and known each other for 8 but this is our “IFYKYK” relationship and we know we’re each others forever
TLDR:
Is it worth telling my (F19) bf (M24) of 5 months, that i know is my forever person, that i’ve attempted in the past.
Would it do more harm than good?
3 comments
You don’t owe him all your deepest secrets and regrets. It’s only been 5 months. But even then, with something this big, you don’t really ever have to tell him if you don’t want to. It doesn’t impact the relationship and he knows you struggle with depression.
I’m glad that you feel good about being open and honest with him, but you’re under no obligation to share everything and anything that’s private or personal to you, including your past. You don’t feel guilty about not telling him the graphic details of your last bowel movement, so presumably, you understand that not everything you’ve ever done must be shared, even with someone you care about.
By all means, if you WANT to share, go ahead, but you’re under no moral obligation to share if you don’t want to.
60% of all marriages where the partners are between the ages of 20-25 will eventually end in divorce. The divorce rate goes up the younger one or both of you are. Throw in the age gap which may seem minor but you’re barely out of high school and he’s probably a college grad which puts you in very different life stages with very different levels of experience. The reality is that between 19 and 24 you will experience many different things and grow in any different ways. Living independently from your parents, starting a career not just a job, and if you go to college you will encounter so many different people, cultures and events. The you that exists today will be very different from the you in 5 years. You really don’t know
All that should get across that despite what you think, don’t expect this relationship to last forever. It may be a good relationship and probably worth staying with him for as long as possible but “forever person” is unlikely.
Should you reveal your attempted suicide? What do either of you gain by doing so? If there’s nothing to gain, it’s not necessarily worth talking about unless you are 100% comfortable about doing so. Given that you’re here asking I doubt that you’re even close to 100% comfortable.
I wouldn’t lie about your past experiences if asked directly and I would recommend against lying by omission if he spoke about suicide issues which would be a moment you would be expected to volunteer that info. Regardless, even if you are asked directly you if you aren’t comfortable discussing it just say, “I did something several years before we dated. I’m not comfortable talking about it at this time. Please respect that. If I ever feel comfortable discussing it I will tell you what happened.”
It would be a serious red flag if he didn’t respect that boundary.