Hey everyone,
I turn 36 next week and something has been on my mind for some time that has been bugging me and since I really do not have a ton of friends in my area, I am having a difficult time with this.
I grew up in a middle (eventually upper middle) class family in northern new jersey. My parents purchased their house when my mom was in her early to mid 20s and many members of my family (immediate or otherwise) work in medicine, law enforcement, or are in the military. Most of my other family members have a house and a family (in northern new jersey, nonetheless). Many of my friends now have their own houses and families (albeit, one close friend of mine was literally given a house since he is wealthy).
Anyways, as I am turning 36, I am reflecting on my life and what could have been and currently is. I do not regret my 20s or early 30s. I have seen and experienced things most people would not ever dream of. I used to be a paleoecologist and worked on some of the greatest paleontological and paleoanthropological sites in the world. I lived in some of the most amazing places for months on end throughout east and southern Africa, Alaska and the western United States and Europe.
I have my doctorate, and work as a research scientist for the government and am actively on projects that I will help people which includes (but is not limited to) understanding and mitigating the effects of climate change and on the side, I tutor students with learning disabilities (and I love that).
Finally..and while it took awhile, I am convinced that I finally found the person that I will spend my life with, and I love her so much.
Anyways, for some strange reason, I cannot get this feeling that I am still “not doing well” as I should or could and I perceive myself sometimes to not be successful. I think it is because I live in an apartment whereas others I know have a house, I am unmarried, and while I make an alright amount ($85k with tutoring that should only increase over time since I work for the government), I feel like that is not a lot (especially for NJ).
My partner understands where I am coming from, but she had a very different upbringing and grew up in a low working class neighborhood outside of Philly and feels that my perception of success is warped based off of what and where I grew up around..and I do not disagree with her.
Anyways, I do not know what else to say. I am not looking for a pity party or anything. I do not think I am doing terrible, but I can’t help feel the way I do sometimes. Has anyone else here felt anything similar? If so, is there a way that helped you with those types of thoughts?
thank you
4 comments
Using a scale of behind, on track, or ahead, you’re mostly on track for someone your age. You’re ahead on some things and behind on others IMO. If you married your partner and bought a house in the next two years you’d probably be ahead.
Unless you’re behind financially, the other stuff you can take at your own pace for the most part.
Here’s my two cents, and I’ll provide some background on myself since I agree it helps provide context.
I grew up in a broken, middle-class household. Dad left when we were young, we were never without housing or food but we weren’t living high on the hog by any means. I saw my mom stressed about money often, so I decided from an early age that money needed to be ‘the goal’, and personal interest took a backseat.
Fast forward to now – I’m 31, own a house, and make $270k /yr in professional services. I’ve got ~$400k in retirement savings to go with that. I’m also married. *On paper*, I’m doing great. *However*, I’m not excited about almost anything in my life. I really don’t like my job (lots of travel, long hours) but I make too much money to switch and any comparable role I’d switch into would be a huge paycut which my wife wouldn’t be ok with. So, where do I go from here? Work isn’t going to get any better. While I have some money now, I don’t have time to do shit with it. I often find myself wondering how much more I have for my current path since I absolutely cannot fathom living like this for another 10 or even 5 years.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that there’s a balance and it depends on where you place your value. You’ve lived a far more interesting and probably fulfilling life than I have even though my bank account might be larger. It’s not always easy to have it all.
Dont compare to where your parents were at the same age. When I was 32-33 I made the same salary as my dad did at that age. He was able to buy an apartment at the value of one year salary. It would cost me more than 10x that.
You will hear “comparison is the thief of joy” a lot but it is really true. I replied to your other post but don’t think I offered much help. I first have to say, its hard and probably pointless to compare our parent’s to our time. 85k feels like a lot compared to the early 90s or even 10-15 years ago but it just isn’t anymore, especially in NJ. I made 85k in 2013 and my rent was 1100 a month for a shoebox room in Queens. That same apartment right now is now 2800, and rented last year for over 3000. I wasn’t putting much away then and I still had debt.
“Successful” is such a loaded term…you seem to be happy with your partner and happy in your field. You feel your works help people. That is important. To many people that is successful. If its a certain type of economic comfort you want, or to live in a certain place, you have to make changes to get to that. It might not be the right path. You could also decide that this is success for you. It would be success to tons of people. Owning a home, even if you have trouble staying afloat, having a decent career and a loving partner. You have to decide if thats what you want Or *all* that you want. Or if you want it in some different way, but it has to be what you want, not based off what someone else has, or what anyone else thinks success if or how you are doing.
I grew up in a terrible household, very poor, homeless at times, no dad, utilities always being shut off. I have been working since I was 12, saving, always focusing on how to get more money. I never wanted to live like that. I kept my head down, I didn’t focus on what other people were doing, or how they spent or earned their money. I removed any envious thoughts from my head, especially because I wanted to blame other people, I wanted to feel like they had it easier (at least the ones who were doing “well”) for some reason and all the privileges I didnt have, but quickly realized that did nothing for me. I went to the cheapest college I could, graduated early, worked 2 jobs during, and starting working in my field before graduation so I would have a high paying job post graduation. I graduated in 3 years instead of 4 to cut down on debt and started paying my meager loans off while still in school, paid them off as quickly as possible after. I had to travel all over the country and constantly change jobs and quickly got where I needed to be with salary. I was living in NYC so expensive but was living within my means. Met my now wife and we’ve been together for 11 years, most of it making two good salaries and investing every penny. Expenses were low and income high.
We bought our house in cash in 2021 because we saved that cash for ten years, I have switched to a mostly part time consulting job, I make less than I would in other jobs in my industry but I only work a handful of hours from home and get to spend all my time with my two kids. My wife does not work anymore. It pisses me off when everyone tells me something was handed to me because I had to literally claw my way to comfort. I think im super successful but my friends/family think a wide variety of things. A lot of people think I was handed something or had rich parents. They make assumptions. A lot of my friends make more than me and think I’m lazy. A few others resent me because they bust their ass and I barely work and they dont own a home or have savings. The thing is I don’t give a shit. My success was getting the money I needed to be comfortable and starting a family with someone I love. I just turned 36 this summer, I don’t think I will ever go back to regular work, even if it means more money.
My rambling here is to say its hard now. You have to make a ton of effort just to make it. A lot of people our age had parents who just did any old thing and made a decent living, but were pretty bad with money and the general costs of housing/necessities was just so astronomically different. If you want to make more money you will probably have to make a ton of sacrifices, live in uncomfortable places, and have a poor work/life balance, at least for awhile. But would you feel any better or different vs. staying where you are and trying to make it work? I’ve always viewed work as a necessity, so find the highest pay with the least amount of labor/bullshit to put up with. Other people focus on finding the most enjoyable job they can, or maybe the most enjoyable job that pays the bills. We’re all gonna die in the end, you can’t take someone else’s path and assume its going to make you feel any different.