I think I’m reaching my limit when it comes to how hard it is for me to connect with others. I’ve done almost EVERYTHING, I’ve joined groups and clubs, I’ve made small talk with others I’ve gotten numbers, NONE OF WHICH have landed me any success in making friends who I feel connected to or engaged with. I’ve started late night dancing at my local club which is usually PACKED with people. I really love dancing and thought this would give me a bit of a boost when it came to socializing, which it kind of did, until it fizzled out.

I’ve been going to the club for like 2 months now, and almost everyone there knows me for my dancing, I dance so hard people always get hyped up. I even try to hype others who I see in the club who looks shy or like they want to dance but are nervous to. It’s been really great, the feeling I get when I look at someone who is being shy and I start hyping them up and I see them smile and they start dancing is insanely awesome. The only thing is, I’m at the club by myself and I see other people dancing in groups or talking in groups, basic friend stuff. I feel so lonely because despite people telling me how good my dancing is, I can’t continue the conversation from there. Anytime I try to talk to someone, it’s like a 2 sentence exchange and then they go pay attention to other people and they even look more engaged with others than they do with me. It’s worse when I see complete strangers starting to dance with each other, like couple dancing or grinding and I feel like I’m just being a waste of space in the club. I feel like giving up and like I’m going to be alone forever, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. What am I doing wrong?

12 comments

  2. If you have this problem with everyone, the constant is you. Are you coming across as rude? Or boring?

    What are you bringing to the table? Are you interesting? Do you make other people feel awesome? Like with the dancing, are you hyping other people up or applying intense social pressure until they feel obligated to dance?

    Have you learned how to talk with people?
    Start with the book How to win friends and influence people. Become interesting to others and interested in others.

  4. Just be your best genuine self and let people approach you, instead of you approaching them. It’s possible you’re coming off as desperate to make friends. The club is hardly a place to meet good friends anyways. If you really like dancing, you’ll have a waaaay better chance of making real, meaningful friends in a dance class or community.

    Edit: you should still make an effort to have interactions with people. Maybe just start with compliments/observations and ask if they can show you some dance moves, or if you can teach them some, or if they would be interested in practicing together. Apply the same logic to other scenarios.

  5. You can’t make friends at a club just by saying three words to them and expect to be friends, you gotta spend time with that person in order to make a connection. You can’t expect someone to be with you and spend their precious when you show them some dance at a club when they’re drunk.

  6. Dear u/Narrow_Sea_8505

    It can be really hard making friends when you are overfocused on it.
    I’ve been where you are – where I felt out of touch and uncomfortable with other people all the time. And sometimes I have experiences, where I get this feeling again.

    There are some general pointers about how to make friendships – this is my experience, and since we are all different, it’s different what’ll work for us and how it will work.
    You are already doing good things – you are open, experimenting, and finding that you sometimes are able to connect to people

    1. Location location location
    So, the reason why a lot of people make friends at school or work is because it is easy – being in the same location removes barrieres to consistently having contact, which is really important to feel like you know someone or to simply have opportunities to get to know someone

    2. Authentically showing up
    You need to be yourself. This is not saying that you shouldn’t work on skills or habits that make you a better person or friend.
    But you need to be your self. That’s what I’ve found is important for me.
    Not everyone will like you, but the right people certainly won’t like you if you don’t show up as yourself – how would they recognize you, if you are to desperately trying to be someone you are not.

    I’ve also notices in myself, that I don’t feel safe with people who are hiding themselves. They might not be bad people at all, but it makes me uneasy, when people are to focused on masking or people pleasing or in some other way, not letting through who they are. Cause then I feel like I can’t trust them.
    I think it goes the other way around as well. I have defininitely struggled with being a people pleaser. If you have the same tendencies I’d really suggest you look into it.
    We sometimes think that people pleasing is being nice to other people – but it isn’t, it is abandoning yourself as well as trying to control the situation. It’s not cruelty, but it’s not kindness either.

    3. Practice friendship-qualities/skills
    E.g. active listening – this is a skill. You might be surprised how important active and non-judgemental listening, can be in making people feel seen and heard, and how important it is for people to feel seen and heard. Such an important skill.
    Friendship is also about competences – so there might be somethings about yourself you need to work on, or you might need to learn something new.
    I sometimes struggle with giving space to other people, or remember to ask how they feel, and hold space for them to tell me. But I’m working on it.
    No one is perfect, but we are all worthy and enough. You too!

    4. Openness
    You can’t make people be your friend, if they are not there in their life. Some people you might really like or have great chemistry with, but if they don’t have space in their life for new friendships it probably wont happen.
    So – You are more likely to find friends in spaces where people who come there are open to new friends.
    I’ve been more open about having room for new friends in my life, and putting it out there I think have made people see that I might be a potential friend.
    If I meet people where I felt chemistry, I also allowed myself to seek that out – in a relaxed and not pushy manner, but just tried to be open to create opportunities for us to get to know each other better.

    So – these are some of the experiences I ‘ve made so far.
    I’d also suggest that you maybe volunteer – e.g. at an old peoples home – a lot of old people are lonely simply because their friends have died.
    You can create your own patchwork of a diverse group of people. Look to where it might be easiest to start building connections, and work from there.

    Also – set a realistic goal and be patient! When you are lonely and feeling like you can’t connect with people and make friends – start with the first next step.
    Maybe what you need to work on is to expand your awareness of when you’ve felt connetion with other people – look back on your day, try to remember those moments. You already have some experiences like that from the club – savour that! You DO have the ability!
    Also be patient – recognize that this is something you struggle with, so be gentle with your self. Don’t set to high demands and cheer on your self and savour the small success!

    Last thing from me right now – also – maybe try to focus on the needs of other people, rather than on your need to feel the connection. Be kind to people in the check out line. Hold the door. Ask someone about their day.

    You have the focus and willingness! You can do this!

    All the best wishes!

  9. this is why i dont bother I just work on myself and do my own thing and if it happens it happens no point in forcing

  11. Clubbing is the problem. The clubbing scene and culture have changed since I started to go out when I was younger. I think that the social pressures of social media have leaked into reality. We “make friends” online by just friending one another, but it’s only to show how many friends we have than the next person. The same goes for the club scene, except we have to be seen with the right people. No one goes out to meet new people, they go there with people to be seen with them. It’s now a status game in all realms of our lives rather than trying to make genuine connections with people.

    I personally like raves and rave culture because it’s a bit more inviting. And if I don’t find people to click with I can dance my ass off as much as I like.

  12. You don’t make friends at clubs. It’s loud so there’s no “getting to know you” going on. Additionally people tend to stick to the group they went with. You goto clubs with already established friends.

    You make friends at school, or the gym over time, rock climbing etc. Places where people can reasonably talk and strike up a conversation

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