A little bit of a culture shock experience here. I was seeing this guy that I met on a dating app, which seemed nice and funny, on a few dates. We always just went casually for 2-3 drinks and had a good time, very enjoyable company. When it came to paying the bill I always insisted of splitting it, just because that’s how I like it and that’s how I am used to from living in Europe, no need to have my bills paid, I am not a ‘the man must pay on the first date’ kind of gal. Anyway, he really, like really did not want to pay me for my own drink and always did tricks like snugging to the waiter although he said he would go to the bathroom and then paid secretly. I thought it was charming to be honest. I thanked him and the evening went on.
After about 4 weeks I noticed that I really enjoy being around him but I don’t see how we could be a relationship, we are just not that much of a match. We went on like 4 days. Ghosting was of course not an option so I thought about how to tell him best and asked to meet up. I explained I really like him but it’s just not the right relationship fit, etc. He seemed bummed but everything okay. Once I get home he texts me a Venmo request for the drinks he paid and asked to be paid back. About $80. I could not believe what I just saw, hah. This is exactly what is wrong with ‘men having to pay the drink’ and then claiming some kind of ‘ownership’. I am not saying this is one sided, I also see so many females trapped in this ‘he must pay on first date’ situation. – I don’t get it. Why must someone pay for the other? It’s nice to invite sometime but why is it not socially accepted for everyone to pay their share. It’s not the 1600 anymore, we have jobs too, etc. I am not sure if I am getting my point across correctly but what this guy did with the Venmo payback is exactly what I think is wrong with the expectations of someone paying on the date, on a business lunch, in a lot of situations.
I immediately accepted this Venmo request, and added a 3% HY interest, since it was exactly a month, and since he worked in finance, and since I couldn’t help it, lol.
26 comments
Lmao if I can only get all the money back on all the dates I tried to set up and they didn’t bother to even to want to show up
Dude paid for the dates (even if you wanted to go Dutch on it) but he had to be that hard up to ask 80€ back … (I am from US so I don’t know what country you are in) his loss on that ..
You didn’t need to pay him back but you do you …
😂😂 Sorry I’m not laughing at you but at the sheer lunacy of this situation!! What a cad! Op you dodged a bullet with this one. That guy I think deserves a hard ghost.
As for paying I usually am also the type to insist on paying also because I view it as the gentlemanly thing to do and my mama taught me so.
I get that it’s not the 1600’s anymore (I work with women coworkers that are way better than me in quite a few areas) but it’s basically to me a love language type of thing kinda in that I’m physically thanking you for going on this date with me😁
Omg what a loser! So butthurt and petty. You’re absolutely right, no one person has to pay for the whole date, splitting is perfectly fine. But if one person DOES want to pay, then that’s it! You don’t ask for it back if it doesn’t work out 🤦🏻♀️
Girllll why did you pay him? Damn. Now he’s going to expect this going forward again and again 😭 you seem very nice and reasonable in your comments but don’t let these jerks take advantage of you! Because they will. Just like this guy did. Again, and again. Especially with online dating. CYA girl!
You didn’t owe that guy dip
Why did you pay him…. You didn’t owe him. Just fed his ego
When I was dating, I paid for myself, no matter what the man said. I didn’t want them to say I owed them something.
The man I’m with now offered to buy my dinner as his treat, no stings attached. It made me very uncomfortable, on the date I was going to pay for myself anyway. He ended up paying. The next date, he got mad at me cause I paid. He said it was his responsibility to pay. I said why? 2 years later, we are still together. I try to pay every other date night. It’s extremely expensive to go on dates. It should be a shared expense until an agreement is made. But 1st date should always be “Dutch”
If every girl I dated would pay me back with interest, I would be a millionaire 🤣
This is such a scummy, gross move. It also says so much about the person and it’s honestly horrifying. You dodged a bullet. Also, totally agree that this is another reason why people should just split the bill on the first few dates. There are too many people, both men and women, that have really disgusting views on men paying.
The people who are saying you shouldn’t of payed him are dead wrong . I think you really showed him and love the 3% interest 🤣. What a power move on your part ! I think you hurt his feelings bad when he saw that you sent it . Not made him feel better like people believe
Oh, I would have invoiced him back for wasted time. Petty is as petty does.
New type of guy. I think your safe you ignore him
Okay so I did actually do this once BUT the situation was a lot different in that it was a first date, which seemed really promising.
We had tried to go to a non-fancy place for lunch and then it was closed so we randomly selected a pretty pricey sushi place. She suggested we splurge and order a lot of expensive stuff. Okay, why not? So at the end of the meal I was fully intending to split the bill with her, but when the bill came we had this brief conversation about splitting and I just threw out that maybe I’d pay this time if she would get next time and that was our kind of agreement or way in which we were “splitting” (in other words, we weren’t going to split THIS meal, but we’d split the combined two meals by alternating who pays in full).
When the date ended, we actually talked about how we both had a good time and we’d both be into a second date, so that’s how we left things.
Then, when I tried to set up that second date, suddenly I started getting the run-around and she kept saying she’d look at her calendar blah blah. Ultimately she didn’t ghost but she did basically say she thought the distance was too much and that we shouldn’t continue (we had already discussed that as a potential issue before meeting though). I was fine with this, and thanked her for her candor etc, but then I remembered that we had made this agreement where she would pay the next bill to equate to splitting, since that sushi bill was particularly expensive.
So I just *asked* (not demanded) her if she would maybe Venmo me her half of the sushi bill, since there was now not going to be a second date. And she fucking blocked me.
Lesson learned there about expensive first dates and expectations etc, but I personally don’t think I was out of line to at least ask her to do the right thing given the context. This *wasn’t* a thing where I was insisting on paying for chivalry or leverage/control reasons, we both understood the intention WAS to split, but then she changed her mind (which of course was fine, but in that case, why not make it right based on the understanding you had with this person you had lunch with?). I’m just saying, were it me in her shoes, I would absolutely have paid her my half without having even been asked, just because I would have felt horrible and like I was taking advantage of someone.
I think I am gonna throw up. What a loser.
100% fair for him to request and she was right to reimburse him.
Ok, guy here. I’m usually an offer to pay guy. I’m fine if my date wants to go halfsies.
This guy had sunk costs, and should have accepted them as such. It’s just part of the experiment of dating, especially if you take payment as your responsibility.
The only thing your date really owes you is them being their true self and hopefully matching your energy (obviously doesn’t always happen).
Your date has no claim to your person or financial recompense if this is not strictly agreed to (and in some jurisdictions that would be illegal).
You dodged a nice bullet, OP. Count the blessings. Be sad you lost a potential friend. But still, count your blessings.
Send him a bill for your time, time is more than money. If it didn’t work for him, then it didn’t work for you, you wasted your time. Send him a bill. If he’s in finance, he will understand.
You didn’t owe him shit. He wasn’t on the layaway program
I pay when I plan, and would never accept the other part paying half. I chose our activity and restaurant, and decided on the level of cost — there is no way in hell I would insist on someone else having to carry half of that, not knowing the details of their financial situation. That would be incredibly rude in my book.
I’m bisexual, and I’m the same with both men and women. If I ask, I plan and pay. If I’m asked, I expect them to do so, though I will take on the planning and paying for the second date if there is one.
I find it crazy that someone being invited to an event is expected to pay half. I wouldn’t invite friends to a meal at my house, and expect them to pay half. Same with a date.
As for the dude sending you a venmo request, it strikes me as incredibly petty and ridiculous, but it’s not a culture thing in my experience – just a sh*tty dude in my view.
The 3% interest was low. With HYSA paying 4.5-5%…. All kidding aside, good for you! Would’ve asked you again if I saw the interest
I think it makes more sense for everyone to pay their part on dates, especially early on. Like you mentioned it’s not the 1600s now and everyone has jobs and income. Second of all you want to make sure the other person shows up on the date because they want YOU, not just a free night out or free dinner or something.
What this guy did is really stupid on multiple fronts. Don’t pay for someone in this sort of context if you have some sort of issue with it or expect some sort of deal in exchange. Definitely don’t forcefully pay for someone when they insist they’re more comfortable splitting. Asking for the money back after the fact is the cherry on top lol.
To be as charitable as possible to this guy, I can sort of understand his point of frustration. If this was over the course of multiple dates and you basically told him “I just don’t see you in that way” then it seems like something that could’ve been mentioned sooner.
Like you said, there was nothing wrong with being around him. In your own words it was really enjoyable company. “Not much of a match” is just code for saying he was too ugly for you and didn’t give you the tingles since it wasn’t a personality issue. There’s nothing wrong with that of course, but it’s also something you know after a first date or two. So maybe that’s where the obvious resentment stems from. That’s the most charitable I can be, but then you have to ignore the part where he insisted on paying for things and then got mad about it… which makes no damn sense.
Honestly, ima guy here! You cant go back on shit like that… like he shoulda asked for remboursement at the end of the dates, and to be honest it sounds like he was expecting you to bang him and he didn’t get what he want so now you owe residual ? Sounds like he expect woman to be like prostitute . It dont make sense… shit let me call 8 of my exs for sum ! Remember back in 2011 i bought you an ice cream? Yeah? Ima need my money back! Fuck outta here with this
I always pay for my date. But there should never be an expectation that you have to keep dating me or else you’ll have to pay me back. That would be very manipulative. That’s not a norm of any kind, as far as I’m aware, it’s just a guy being spiteful and vengeful about being shut down.
I don’t think culture shock is the right word here. It’s more of a “can you believe this asshole?” kind of situation.
35/M and I generally always pay.
Not only do I pay, even for dinner, but i don’t ever expect anything from these women except probably rejection.
This doesn’t ever bother me (I’m the one asking them out usually) but seeing this post, I remembered just one ex that I would love to send a request to and get some of my (poor) investments back lol.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet with that guy.
I am one of the people who still believes a man paying for dinner and / or drinks. I don’t care if we’re just friends, dating or coworkers, of we go out, I’m paying the bill no matter where the rest of our night is headed. I’ve mastered the art of slipping my card to the waiter at this point to avoid dealing with the conversation.