I (34f) woke up last night to my husband (32m) filling up a large garbage bag in our room. I asked him what it was and he said not to worry about it. I pressed him and he ended up saying it was all of our sex toys. Hundreds of dollars worth of stuff. He threw it away because it doesnt give him what he wants. He also said that our sex is boring and he has to psyche himself up for it. This is obviously distressing for me and i explained that, also said we should go to therapy about it, which he said he didnt see the point in doing. He told me had been thinking about it for awhile and I told him he should have talked with me about it so we could work on it together.
This is not the first time be has gotten rid of sex toys, but the times before they were only toys for him, not my toys or toys we used together.
He did not even apologize for waking me up.
I dont know what to do. We have been together 8 years. He ended up saying that he would much rather do other things with me but we have only been having sex a handful of times month, if that, and if he is talking about replacing those moments, that’s hardly any time spent together so idk WTF he is talking about. He doesnt really make a huge effort to spend time with me as it is.
Sex is very important to me, but also the intimacy around sex – flirting and talking about things we can do to each other. I feel like he has basically taken my choice away. Im so, so mad today and i feel anxious and sick.
42 comments
How often has he or you tried to discuss this? It sounds like something he’s wanted to talk about but hasn’t. Maybe that’s your fault, maybe it’s his, maybe it’s both.
Either way, I agree you should see a therapist. Why doesn’t he want to go? Why does he think it won’t help?
Go to get therapy alone, to help you deal with what’s happening. Maybe he’ll go with you in the future.
Obviously this answer is based on only the limited information given but it sounds to me like he is struggling from some sort of mental health issue. Not like a schizophrenic diagnosis or anything so extreme but, especially since you mention it’s the anniversary of his brothers passing, I have a strong instinct he has some other repressed issues, unrelated to your relationship, that are manifesting in seemingly unrelated areas of life.
Another perspective I’ve started to employ personally is to treat others’ outlashes with the same mentality as a toddler’s tantrum. The bottom line is that they just want your attention. Maybe your husband really wants to talk to you about these things but doesn’t know how. Alternatively, maybe there are other factors bothering him that he isn’t quite aware of and his internalized feelings compound until they find an outlet in any sort of confrontation.
Something isn’t right there. And if he’s saying therapy isn’t an option, then why is he with you? Sounds like he doesn’t want or care to change things either. And that is no way to lead a relationship, for either of you. Don’t know anything about either of you, but something sounds seriously broken. But if only one party is willing to change things, they’ll never get fixed.
Controlling
You or we don’t know wtf is going on in his head. Having read through this there is something that stood out but it’s a bit left field too
When you brought up the open marriage idea which you had a right to do I’m guessing (what was the motivation for that, it may be important) and he objected, as he had a right to do also as I’m guessing it wasn’t floated before you were married.. maybe it set off some insecurities in him, “I’m not enough “ etc because “ open marriage and toys that aren’t my dick blah blah “ “ now we got to go back to kinky days arrghh more pressure “
And it’s been festering away to the point where he’s reacting panicky and impulsively now at it’s coming to a head …… maybe not any of that too, just an observation.
You both really need to address what’s going on in therapy and if he won’t, you go if you can manage somehow. And handle things as calmly as you can. He sounds fragile to me. There’s a lot of stress in the world
Good luck.
This sounds so odd, like he’s acting almost “hopeless” so I’m not entirely sure what you’re supposed to do here if he’s not even willing to try to make things better. Therapy would be a good start but you can’t force someone to go and since he’s unwilling, idk how you’re going to be able to proceed.
What I will say is that from the info you gave, he’s being incredibly inconsiderate of you by not even explaining what the real issue is. Sure, when you’re with someone a long time things can get “boring” but if you’ve tried to incorporate different things in the bedroom, you are showing that you want to make an effort. The way he’s behaving is childish… and if he’s having some sort of mental issue, then it’s his duty to go see a professional to get it taken care of.
The biggest thing here is he is not being specific as to what would make sex less boring, so how are you going to know what to do to help.. it’s like he doesn’t want things to get better and would rather just make a scene about how awful he feels.
Sorry there isn’t much advice in here but I hope you guys are able to find a solution at some point, OP. You have every right to feel hurt by this whole thing.
Sex is the least of your concerns right now. The bigger concern should be how your husband feels entitled to make unilateral decisions about how the 2 of you are going to coexist without ever having a single conversation with you. If he’ll do that around sex it’s likely he’ll feel entitled to do it any nlany other area of your lives.
He seems set on what he wants being the only thing that matters and he is disregarding your voice and feelings entirely.
If this is all going to work he has some major changes he’ll have to make. He’s not wrong for how he feels about sex, that he likely can’t help, but he is.100% wrong for how he is handling it. I think you both need couples counseling to address the major breakdown in communication and to address the overall lack of attention he shows you, and how he feels.its ok to make these life altering decisions without you. It goes way beyond sex, I think the changes in sex life is just a symptom of a larger more fundamental breakdown in how he approaches you, your marriage, and your lives together.
He is SO wrong for that. He should have talked about it before doing anything!
Clearly a sign of frustration. He knows this gets your attention, hence doing so when he knows you will see it. Sounds like he is communicating via actions that he wants other types of sexual activities but is too pussy to ask, or embarrassed, so he acts like a child. This is his equivalent of punching a wall.
I’d demand we get into some counseling. He’s not communicating about what’s really going on here and if he refuses to make an effort to really talk about it honestly, and refuses to get help, your marriage may not survive this. Not because of the lack of sex but because of the lack of communication.
Something I think needs to be said on posts like this, given the age… going into your 30s is a legit change for most men. Testosterone starts dropping, metabolism tanks, etc. therapy would be a good idea, but also try to get him to get his testosterone levels checked. It can drop sex drive and affect your mood.
I understand him throwing away his own or male centered toys but YOUR toys? That’s rude and what’s worse is he wanted you to wake up in the morning and find it all gone??
Does he ever make suggestions during sex that you ignore or don’t take seriously?
did he follow through with throwing out your toys? because frankly that whole episode is alarming to me completely divorced from the sex issue. making unilateral decisions, destroying YOUR property, being controlling…all of these are major red flags that are far more pressing than frequency of sex. coupled with his stubbornness about therapy and the issue itself, his unwillingness to communicate, and his history of this behaviour…I mean, SOMETHING has to give, and if he’s unwilling to do anything about it, you need to think hard about the reality of this relationship.
A possibility is some form of depression or stress is getting him down, and he just doesn’t feel like sex. Although throwing out all your shared toys is kind of an extreme reaction. Seems a little personal that way. Could he feel insecure about all the toys you need for satisfaction? Maybe its something else going on in the relationship and he is lashing out? Definitely need to talk about it but it kinda seems like he isnt open to talking.
You’ve got a real gem.
Sounds manic to me. Experiencing a mental health breakdown. Stress is probably triggering this
Looks like you’ve received great feedback from different perspectives. Best wishes on the next step. If you don’t mind, I’d suggest that you seek individual counseling for yourself to process everything. There is a reason that you’ve allowed yourself to stay in a relationship with very little communication and barely any quality time (which is important to you).
Obviously, sex can feel ‘boring’ or repetitive if you’ve been together for years but HE needs to discuss and figure out ways to make it more exciting for him.
Sounds to me like he’s watching too much porn and comparing his sex life to the fake stuff he watches. That’s why porn is so bad when you’re in a committed relationship because it gives you false hope/false reality. Ask him about his porn use.
That is really messed up. Especially throwing out toys that cost hundreds of dollars without telling you or communicating his feelings before making such a brash decision.
First of all don’t let him throw away your things.
This whole thing sounds like you are unhappy but extremely passive. Do you just let him bulldoze over you all the time? It’s like a power play. He made this decision about something that affects both of you, without you. He had to do it while you were sleeping. If I was going to overhaul the bedroom, I would never do that while my partner is sleeping.
It’s seeming borderline abusive. Are you always on your toes around him, trying to keep him happy?
You love sex and he almost never wants it. Has this been addressed? How have you lived this whole dynamic for 8 years? Are you happy? Is there any health communication here? Are you partners? Because this is giving off vibes that you are just a passenger here.
Grown baby behavior.
How passive aggressive of him
He’s got a lot of issues. How incredibly passive aggressive to rustle around, bag up YOUR PROPERTY and tell you he’s psyching himself up for sex with you. I cannot imagine what a jackass he must be to behave that way.
When I think sex is vanilla, it’s not up to my husband to find what sprinkles and mix ins I want…it’s up to me!! If he’s made your bedroom boring, that’s on HIM and being a total asshole, blaming YOU, would be grounds for separation in my marriage. I could not even enter therapy until I was living separately while he worked on his major case of assholiosis and then let me know when he was ready for couples therapy.
Of course, depending how long it took for him to accept his role in all this, I might have found a decent human who could talk without waking me from a sound sleep as he stole my things to throw them away. 🙁
EGADS! Don’t put up with this!!!
Is it possible he’s cheating. That’s a wild reaction
I would go to therapy anyways. And if this situation doesn’t get better. Maybe divorce. Because you deserve someone who wants to talk things through with you instead of throwing a tantrum
This is the actions of a frustrated man. He’s acting out punishing you for his own insecurities/inabilities and yes, therapy would address this. Otherwise it might be time to move on.
That’s super weird, and throwing away our toys feels like he’s trying to punish you? But you seem surprised by it, so it sounds like he doesn’t know how to communicate and is mad that what he’s not communicating isn’t being heard. Definitely go to therapy to help deal with what he’s doing, and he needs to go stat, too. Ugh.
If someone threw away my sex toys I’d consider it a declaration of war. You don’t just throw out someone else’s stuff. That’s crazy. He’s not okay.
So he doesn’t want to have sex, doesn’t want you to masturbate (but he continues to masturbate to the point it impacts your sex life), doesn’t want to tell you what you can do to help, doesn’t want to communicate, doesn’t try to improve things himself, and refuses counseling?
So what precisely does he expect from you?
A divorce? Or for both of you to just remain in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage?
At some point he needs to take responsibility for his mental health and for his part of your relationship here. This situation is not sustainable, and it’s deeply unfair to you.
If my boyfriend of 7 years did this, it’d be a shit or get off the pot moment. He needs to make a decision. I would have never tolerated my boyfriend throwing out my toys, or any of my belongings like that, and you shouldn’t either. This is toxic.
Your husband needs therapy. This is super impulsive and not normal.
If it’s a lack of sexual drive thing, one of the possibilities could be low T, or some other medical issue. It’s important to get this checked out. If it is low T there are several things that could cause that, some of which are serious medical issues.
Go rescue the toys. Tell him not to make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions
Tell him to stop watching porn and wanking. He’ll soon get his drive back 👌
OP has posted elsewhere about her husband having, in the past, suffered from extreme hallucinations and extended catatonia, and possibly undiagnosed schizophrenia, and having bounced on and off lithium. This would have been really valuable information to have included here; I would be very surprised if this is truly a sex subreddit question at all; even in the event that it eventually is, it’s still well above our pay grade.
And yes, this is a clinically informed opinion on my behalf.
I hope that he and you get the support you need.
Really a nightmare. Tell him you want to keep the toys to use with someone else and propose an open relationship. If he’s really that indifferent, what has he got to lose? You deserve someone who’s excited to see how your body will react to bondage, orgasms, pain, whatever toys you have. If he’s not interested in doing that with you, he’ll kill your sexual existence. Life is too short not to be with someone who is excited to try things sexually BECAUSE they’re doing them with you. If a stranger excites him more, just let him find a stranger. You find someone who makes you feel alive. The people suggesting couples therapy don’t understand that you deserve more than one man’s watered down desire.
Wow. I’d be pissed. This seems really abusive. To wake you up by throwing away your toys and then tell you the sex is boring? Who the fuck does that??? I don’t even know what more to say. You two have been together a long time, but I’d never tolerate this behavior. Imo, this is beyond “you just need to communicate”, your partner seems childish, mean, and petty. Especially if this is typical behavior, I’d leave asap.
Sounds like the man needs real treatment for his scizophrenia mentioned in your other post… also he should never throw your things away there is literally no excuse..if he cant communicate his issues with you like an adult you should re evaluate the relationship..
I’m no shrink, but my guess is this has nothing to do with sex. He knows sex is important to you and he’s making it difficult for you to meet that need. Sounds like resentment. Maybe he feels like he has a need that you make difficult for him to get? Regardless, communication is the answer. And that isn’t always easy.
It sounds like he’s ashamed of something… what kind of toys are they and what kind of sex are u guys having?
I’m not sure about throwing all the things away but sex with the same person for more that a year or two does definitely get boring. Sure, you can mix things up and experiment but there’s only so many different things you can do. For me personally, I love my wife for so many other reasons that I would never even consider straying but it’s not really a crazy idea that sex is more exciting with new partners.
Whoa. Holy fuck. He is struggling with a mental health issue OR this is preemptive working up to a divorce talk attitude.
What does throwing away the sex toys have to do with anything? Does he think you are using them without him and that is causing the sex with him to be less often or more boring?