My fiance and I have been dating for about 5 years. He’s always known that I wanted an intimate proposal with just the two of us either at the beach or someplace outside in general. I got the complete opposite – it was at his parents house, with my parents and 2 of his close friends. My mom didn’t even know about it.
I’m really upset but feel bad for feeling that way, but it’s making me think he doesn’t truly love and/or respect me. Am I overreacting or is this a valid thought that I’m having? And how do I go about expressiong my feelings to him regarding my dissapointment?
UPDATE:
I talked to him and he said he was well aware of what I wanted, but that his mom pressured him into doing it this way. In fact, they had a huge argument about it.
24 comments
You’re not overreacting but instead of wondering if he truly loves or respects you, I think the better question to ask yourself is if he *knows* you.
He may love you and have the upmost respect, but if he hasn’t continued to get to know you and your wants and needs then this relationship won’t be successful.
I think your next step is to sit him down and have a conversation where he shares why he proposed the way he did. He may have reasons you’re unaware of. However if he admits he knew your preferences but chose to be selfish and do what he wanted, then I think you should question spending your life with him. Sometimes people get too excited and can’t wait, but it is important to find out why he did what he did before assuming / doubting his love/respect/knowledge of you.
Edit: now that I see your edit, that man and his family are a bunch of red flags and I would not tolerate that nor stay in this relationship.
I planned to propose over a nice dinner. I had the ring in a drawer at my office in another city so she wouldn’t find it.
Well, no plan ever survives first contact with the enemy.
We had concert tickets in the city I worked in 40 minutes from our home, and she took a train to meet me. While we were waiting in my office, I needed to go to the restroom. Low and behold guess who opened the drawer, found the ring, and put it on the desk ? As soon as I walked in she had a huge smile on her face, looked at me, and just said, “Yes.”
So yeah, our engagement wasn’t really anything special. We just celebrated 41 years married.
We have way too little info here. Getting a disappointing engagement is something you can absolutely be upset about but whether or not this is something to be concerned about in a bigger sense depends heavily on your track record.
Does he usually listen to you? Does he usually try to give you what you want? Does he usually consider your wants when making decisions?
Why do you think he went against what you wanted? Do you think he forgot? Do you think he didn’t care? Do you think he did what he wanted instead knowing you wanted something else?
Well, proposals are for both parties— did he want his friends and family there? Did he want it to be a big-to-do? Maybe this was his compromise— small and intimate, but also with loved ones present.
EDIT: Ooooh girl. His *mom* pressured him into doing it *her way?* That’s a conversation to be had asap because **if you don’t put your foot down she will be the third person in your marriage until the day you divorce.** u/aviianaaa please tread carefully here. Inform him that if his mother’s wishes are more important to him than yours, he can marry her, because that’s not gonna fly.
Is this a pattern? Does your fiancé always get his way at your expense?
Be prepared to learn that his parents, likely his mom, encouraged him to do it like this.
The number of people saying she’s getting a ring and it doesn’t matter is crazy. If he clearly knew what she wanted and went a different way he doesn’t care about her feelings
did he give you the proposal his mom wanted? if so – be very careful going forward with this
My original post isn’t updating, but I brought it up and he was well aware of what I wanted. He and his mom had a huge argument about it and she pressured him into doing it this way. She even threatened to not come to the wedding if he did it with just the two of us.
He’s a grown man. There’s nothing for him to argue about with his mom about HIS relationship with YOU. If what he’s saying is true, it’s ridiculous that he let his mom bully him into something that he knew you didn’t want. He’s more afraid of his mom than he loves you.
You have a bigger problem. If he chose to do what HIS MOM wanted for your proposal rather than what you wanted her used to coming in second to mom for your entire marriage.
Edit: word
His mom won the argument to have *your* proposal for *your* marriage done *her* way. Yikes.
I see your edit… however he could have proposed to you alone on a beach, and then made a public one in front of his parents *after*.
He should have put your proposal preference over his mother’s. He’s proposing *to you – not her*. She’s already had her own proposal!
That’s a mamas boy red flag! 🚩🚩🚩
Mommas boy. Break it off and walk away. You’ll be dealing with that shit your whole marriage.
Yeah it’s concerning that he’s listening to anyone’s opinions over your wishes. My husband knew I wanted moissanite for my engagement ring. My mom told him I should get a diamond. He said, “thanks for your opinion, but I know what she wants” and ignored what my mom said. If he doesn’t have the backbone to stick up to his mom, that’s a bigger issue than the proposal story itself.
Oof! Literally the first step and he already chose his mom over you over something that should have been your choice…. Take that how you will lol
… so he over stepped your wishes for his mom.
Ok OP, mother is going to be the issue. And his inability to stand up to his mother is going to be the icing on the cake.
If he can’t stand up to his mom, I’d re consider. Marriage, kids, and living life jointly is a lot less stressful without helicopter helen around.
And also, in that moment I would say he respected and loved his mom more than you and it was your moment that he turned into hers. Me personally, Idk if I would accept this proposal..
Honey, if he knew exactly what you wanted and let HIS MOTHER overrule him and your desires, you have a much bigger problem. If you go through with this marriage, you need to first sit him down again and set clear boundaries about the amount of influence he is going to allow her to have. What’s next? She wants grandchildren so he needs to get you pregnant as soon as possible and to hell with what you want? You need to buy a house within walking distance of her so she can pop in whenever she wants? She gets to pick out your furniture and have approval over your wardrobe and friends?
This guy needs to grow a spine and fast. Willing to bet she is already planning your wedding and doesn’t need or want any input from you. Get on top of this immediately or you will live to regret it.
If you plan on having children you might want to look for a guy with balls.
He’s getting engaged and can’t even stand up to his mam, dam
Yeah-don’t marry him. His mother is too involved there- big red flag 🚩 here
Yikes. Don’t marry him. Run. He’s putting his mom first which is a huge red flag.
You do NOT want this woman as a mother in law or (if planning to have kids) a grandmother to your children. This is not a red flag, this is a stop sign. The fact that she felt entitled to argue with him about how SHE wanted HIS proposal go AND he did it, is a terrifying indicator that she’d be a monster in law and a constant headache.