My (40M) wife (37F) and I have been married for 16 years. Known each other for 20.
​
I love my wife. I love her dearly. I always have. That being the case however does not make me a perfect husband. I have never cheated on her. I have never even taken a single step down that road or even in the direction of it. I have been completely loyal to her for 20 years.
​
But there is more to marriage than fidelity. I haven’t shown her how I loved her because for the last few years I have been depressed. I don’t know specifically about what, just bored with life I think. She has asked me to get help I have refused, frankly I didn’t even recognize it until looking back. Now this does not mean I was sitting around not working or not getting things done. I have done my share and more of running the household and working. Taking our son to all his activities, taking care of things that need to get done in our life. I have however not shown her love. I have not told her I loved her as often as I should, and that was important to her. I have not given her the intimacy she wanted (didn’t even know she felt it was lacking).
​
She has been seeing her own ‘coach(es)’ and I think they have her convinced she should want more out of life. Apparently I am not part of that.
​
She came to me about 2 months ago to talk about ‘goals’ and I did not engage. I told her our finances didn’t make any of these things she wanted possible. That apparently was the final straw. A couple days later I found out from her she was thinking or intending (not sure which) of leaving me. She also said she had feelings for a friend of mine that lives a long ways away who she met up with briefly on a recent trip. Said she didn’t intend to and nothing happened, but she got feelings for him doing the 2 hours they sat and talked. He is going through a divorce currently. I later found she was having a few long phone calls with him of 1-1.5 hours.
​
Since then I have seen a councillor both on my own and together with her. I have read books and implemented what I have read. The Happiness Trap was a great book for anyone looking for something to help with struggles on being happy. And I have been actively doing many things she has asked for. The response I get to all this is essentially “Too late”.
​
I finally asked her what she needed to get out of our house, as she was not engaging or working with me and has openly said she was looking at apartments / places to move her home business. She said she would start engaging and working with me. “Put all her effort into it so she knows she gave her everything even if we fail”. She has not done that. She has stopped (I think) looking at places, and is no longer asking for a separation agreement, but she is not working towards repairing our relationship either. She just sort of exists in the house.
Our Google accounts are linked for security reasons. The other day I see her log into a new phone and it alerts me for security purposes. I asked her about it, she said it was a loaner phone from her friend so she could travel with it and use a temporary SIM her friend had from a recent trip cross-border. It was not. The box to a brand new iPhone14 and the SIM card punchout is in the closet poorly hidden. She has a second phone and tried to gaslight me into believing I was being unreasonable for even asking her about it. It exists. She is lying straight up to me about it and trying to make me believe I am crazy for even suspecting it.
​
What legit reasons can there be to have a second phone that you hide from your spouse? I can’t think of a single one.
Throughout all this I have committed to myself I would not be the one to end it. I did not get married as a ‘starter marriage’. I got married for life and I meant it. Up until the last 2-3 months I often thought how wonderful and loyal she was. Turns out…. not as loyal as I thought. I am heartbroken that this is the path she has chosen. Devastated, this is the most difficult thing so far in my life.
I am not going to take any action for a couple of weeks. I want to have it all thought out, because frankly I don’t even know what to do in this sort of circumstance. But sneaking around with a second phone and not actively working on our relationship seems to me like she has made her decision, and it sucks. I am all in, I am willing to fix this and have a better life moving forward and I mean it. I don’t even know where she is with all this, and frankly at this point I don’t think I would believe what she tells me anyway.
13 comments
You’re out as long as she can make it work with new guy. She’s using you as a place holder now. If he doesn’t work out then there will be another. She doesn’t respected you and she never did.
“Too late”. You just need to come in terms with this. Sorry.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this OP, I can’t imagine how difficult it is and how lost you must be feeling right now.
Firstly, mental health is shit and isn’t always something we wish to manage when someone tells us to. We have to be ready. Well done for taking steps to work on that. You’ve recognised there was a problem, you took measures and sounds like you’re working on your issues.
It seems as though there is a massive communication problem here. To begin with, you were not prepared to address your mental health, which is what your wife needed from you at that time. She is now not prepared to address where your relationship is at or seemingly put the effort in to repair what’s been broken.
I believe that any relationship requires communication, even if that communication hurts and isn’t what we want to hear. Sounds like you need to sit down and lay all the cards on the table.
You’re not stupid, you know there is another phone, what does she want from the marriage. Is she sticking around whilst she figures out if the grass is greener? Are YOU prepared to stick around whilst she figures it out? Is it something you could come back from despite all the doubt that will inevitably follow on from this?
I hope you figure it out.
Second phone means she is cheating on you
She’s given herself to another man, – mentally and emotionally, and probably physically.
Accept reality, go and become the best version of yourself. Love is not a feeling, it is a verb, expressed in actions and words. She no longer loves you in any capacity.
Full stop on everything you’re thinking and doing….
​
>for the last few years I have been depressed. I don’t know specifically about what, just bored with life I think. She has asked me to get help I have refused, frankly I didn’t even recognize it until looking back.
WTH?! You need to focus on your mental health right now. Trying to be the only one fixing a marriage while also not dealing with your own mental health is a recipe for disaster on two fronts.
Focus on your mental health and get the help you need for it. In almost every case of only one person trying to save a marriage… it has failed. Having your efforts not save the marriage added to you already being depressed. Just stop! She’s clearly made and stated her choice.
I deal with significant depression and other mental health issues so I’m so sorry
I think she has already cheated probably several times and has checked out long ago
She is continuing to do so while falling back and playing it safe with you. She has also in a way turned this around on you and took the initiative the mention this friend she has cheated with but to frame it like it’s developing yet she’s holding off while blaming you for the failing marriage.
She will eventually leave if forced and no doubt she’s cheating still
I would say know you deserve to heal and get help for you and to better yourself and quality of life
I would consider this over and dive deep into therapy as you already are knowing that this is for you not for her or anyone else
I’d start getting a lawyer and coming up with a scuff strategy
I’m sorry this is happening
So for years you made her life hell and now you don’t know or understand why she wants to leave?
Sixteen years is a long, long time to ask and ask and not be heard. To be ignored and not engaged with.
She tried, she tried again and eventually she gave up. Worse, though, she gave up because it was apparent you weren’t interested.
She is done. She did her part but you weren’t there.
NOW you’ve decided to listen, but she’s not there.
I’ve been your wife, minus the friend. If she’s anything like me, there’s no hope now. She’s absolutely done. Years and years and years of trying with no response hasn’t left her angry or unhappy. It did, but all that is gone now.
Now there is absolutely nothing. No emotion at all. She’s dead inside where you are concerned. She has more interest in a stranger on the street than in anything you might want or need.
I’m sorry that sounds harsh when you are just now coming into the light, but it was true for me and it is true for many women.
1. It sounds like you gave up on your marriage to her years ago by checking out as a husband and you’re just now shocked to find she isn’t engaged with you anymore.
2. I would suggest couples therapy but if she’s cheating on you then might as well just divorce and get it over with. She shouldn’t cheat, if she’s unhappy she should leave. It sounds like you have both given up
My goodness quit delaying things. This has gone on too long. Just call bullshit where there is bullshit.
“Im not sure why you think im some sucker. Im not. You have a second phone. You’ve admitted to having feelings for _____ after a 2 hour conversation. You said you would work on us, and you have done exactly shit. Now the phone thing makes everything perfectly clear. You’re dishonest and unfaithful. You’ve broken my trust and I don’t see how this marriage can possibly continue. I have been working hard to be the husband I thought you deserved, but your actions have made it clear that I am no longer the problem. You are the problem and clearly divorce is the solution. You don’t love. You don’t want to be with me. I can’t trust you so this is clearly the only answer.”
Quit messing around and get straight to the point. Show no emotion. Be indifferent. Put the ball in her court and if she fumbles – fucking end it
She’s already gone I think. She’s planning her escape.
I have been asking my spouse to stop cutting me off and let me speak a full sentence for YEARS. Same argument, over and over. I’m shut down every time I open my mouth no matter what the topic. It seems like such a simple ask- shut up for 2 seconds so I can complete a thought but when I bring it up it’s turned on me and how it’s my fault, how I deserve it and he’s “justified” in shutting me up. Over the course of 15 yrs this has WRECKED my self esteem and confidence to the point I don’t even know myself. (I know it’s not 100% on him, this is specifically about how this action has contributed to it, not caused it). On the surface, yes I am considering leaving my spouse because he cuts me off and doesn’t let me speak. But in reality, it’s been years and years of being constantly dismissed and made to feel like I don’t matter. It’s already been years of me asking for help. It’s been years of me accommodating his emotional well-being while he ignored mine. You sound just like my husband.
You spent years just floating through your marriage when she was asking you for help, telling you what she needed. And you ignored her. You abandoned HER first. Your priority was your depression and being stuck in your head- which happens, it’s understandable and normal- no hate here. But now you’ve got to decide what to do about it. Yes if she cheated on you she was in the wrong, hands down, but don’t forget about the years she was asking for help and got ignored. You might have just waited too long to get your head out of your ass my dude. If you want any shot at reconciliation you will have to show her that she (and probably most importantly YOUR mental health) is a priority.
It’s easy to say oh she cheated as the root cause of your problem now, but you’ve got to own up to your actions that may have lead y’all there. It didn’t start overnight.