How do I (37F) tell my boyfriend (39M) that although he is perfect I don’t think we can be together?

35 comments

1. If he didn’t think you are enough he wouldn’t want a relationship with you.

2. How has your boyfriend in ANY WAY made you feel like you’re not enough? Everything he has done, he has done to make you and your children happy. Your feelings of inadequacy are your own because you’re insecure.

   However, if things are moving too fast TALK TO HIM about it!!! Why are you throwing away the only healthy serious relationship you’ve ever had over a lack of communication on YOUR end?

   If you’re concerned about the power he has over you financially, THEN STOP ACCEPTING HIS GIFTS!!

   Jfc.

3. Most single moms beg and wish and pray for a guy like that. But hey, you guys have different tastes, right? You are going to carry your trauma from your ex like some sort of badge for the rest of your life, right? Oh, he lives far away from their school its sooooooo inconvenient! Whatever, to each their own.

   Listen, don’t hurt this great guy anymore than you need to, because surely you’ll find greener pastures. I mean, tons of guys are just begging to be with a single mom with kids, its unreal!

   Besides that Einstein, be upfront with him and end it so he doesn’t waste his time, money, or affection on you any longer.

4. Seek therapy. Get to the bottom of why you try to find faults in a relationship where you are obviously being well cared for and supported.

5. It sounds like you think you are not enough because he can provide so much more for your kids. It seems like the reality is that, due to his career track, he can. And why do you think he’s doing that? Does he treat all kids so lavishly? I’m guessing not.

   He’s doing that, in part, to show you that he can be a good father. That he will love them like they were his own. View it with that perspective rather than viewing it as a quasi-competition. His love-language is probably gift-giving, and I would suggest viewing each one of those gifts as a silent “I love you and your kids, and I want to be a part of your lives”.

   I think the actual underlying problem is that you don’t think *you* are good enough for him. The income disparity seems like a big part of that. But income is one of the absolute least important things men use when choosing a partner. (Well, that changes a little if the women makes more than an insecure man.). By and large, men don’t care at all. We grew up expecting to be the breadwinners, which society constantly reinforces.

   What he does care about is you, and he wants to make you happy. Your kids are extensions of you, so he wants to love them, too. He seems like the type of guy for whom a big part of love is gift-giving, and I think you should view it in that light. (His “love language”, IIRC.).

   He seems like a keeper, and if you push him away due to your own insecurity you’ll probably spend a long time thinking “what if…”.

   Honestly, the only yellow flag I see here is his family’s treatment of you, or at least the things they’d said. On that point I can only say that I would never let a 3rd party influence my relationship decisions.

6. This is ringing all sorts of alarm bells for me.

   It’s been 6 months and he’s trying to push you to move into his place with your children and planning to propose? That’s way too soon even without kids, with kids it’s incredibly inappropriate and premature. I would be very wary of him trying to expedite the relationship timeline like this.

   If you were two years into the relationship I’d say all this was sweet. But this soon and with your history of abuse, I would definitely end things. He is not a “father figure,” honestly he shouldn’t even have met your kids yet with how young they are. Child psychologists recommend 6 months at the absolute earliest for an introduction, 12 is more appropriate for toddlers. The “freaked out” feeling is your gut telling you something is wrong here.

   At the very least you need to majorly put the brakes on and tell him that you’re not remotely ready for cohabiting or marriage. If he reacts badly, that’s a huge indication that he’s not a safe person to be with.

7. Everyone say he’s perfect and you should get therapy. Sure for the therapy part as i think everyone benefit from it. But 6 months is too oooo fast. Anyone who are so impatient and wanna lock you down in a shortest period of time is sus. Furthermore his family are not fond of you. This is just me but I always think be very selective who you wanna have children with, and be very careful who you wanna let into your children’s life. Maybe talk to him, say after all those stuff happen in the past you need to take it slow. If he’s really as perfect as he is, he’ll wait.

8. OK so it has only been only 6 months of dating, you have every right to panic about him moving too fast. Unfortunately, your mind is now going into defense mode and trying to come up with any reason to break it off. So here’s what you do; TALK TO HIM ABOUT TAKING THINGS SLOW. What you need is open and honest communication about the pace things are going. You can still be together, but his pace is freaking you out and you need things to go slower. Anyone talking about marriage at 6 months would freak me out too, that’s waaaaaay too soon, especially with children involved!!!

   So ask him to take it slower, think about marriage in a year or so, not take it off the table completely, but that you can’t think about marriage right now when you feel you are still getting to know him.

9. If you don’t marry him I will. 😉

10. Isn’t all of this going WAY too fast?

11. ?????? Wtf did I just read?
    You want to brake up because your boyfriend…. Treats you and your children too good? 💀You’re the problem here. Start with yourself.

12. Prepare for “ I messed up by leaving the greatest guy ever” post in awhile. Discuss this with him, get some counseling. If you don’t actually like/ love him break up so your not wasting his time.

13. Address your concerns to him and that this is going too fast

14. Why not just say you want to slow down? Weird af to get engaged this fast

15. Wow there’s some extreme takes on this in the comments!

    OP, we don’t know this guy, or you. He may be a ‘perfect’ guy who is trying to demonstrate his love and commitment to you and your children through gift-giving, which his salary allows him to be able to do, and acts of service such as helping you to renovate your flat. You may be sabotaging a great opportunity for yourself if you break up with him.

    However, happy relationships with long-term mutual happiness and contentment are composed of a great deal more than just the material and financial resources one person brings to the table, and when your children are older they’ll notice that their mum is unhappy, if you are, and no amount of birthday parties and expensive gifts will make up for that. It sounds like you are acutely conscious of your differences (not only the income disparity and different positions in the hospital, but also northern/southern backgrounds) and if they are bothering you to the point where you’re contemplating breaking up with him then they are valid concerns. As another commenter suggested, if this was the right person for you these differences would be inconsequential (and I’m a southerner whose partner is northern, and apart from taking the piss out of each other for our accents and idioms and sometimes our respective families too, good naturedly on a regular basis, it’s never affected our relationship). However, they could also significantly affect your relationship – you don’t exist in a vacuum, and over time those types of things can matter if everything else isn’t great, and you’re not communicating well.

    Also, I agree wholeheartedly with everyone who says that he’s moving way too fast, and that it seems like love-bombing and you should talk to him about how you’re feeling and slow things down. If he’s the right person, he’ll be receptive, and if you’re going to be together for many years to come then what’s the rush? If he isn’t receptive to the conversation and doesn’t respect your feelings, then he was never a perfect guy and your question has been answered for you.

16. It’s okay to pump the brakes you know. Just tell him you want a slow and steady relationship with predictable daily things. Explain the previous marriage at length if you haven’t. If it’s moving to fast for you feel free to be honest about every concern you have. His mom and your coworkers are best a-holes.

    Know that you are successful. You’re a nurse and help people every single day to be better. Don’t discount yourself. He’s chosing to be with you because of you. He may not completely understand where you are mentally or emotionally with relationships.

    Talk to him asap and don’t let him propose yet. Just get it out in the open and be honest. If he’s as great as you say it’ll change zero about the relationship and how he truly feels about you. He cares about you and your children and has accepted your situation. The least you can do is tell him what your feelings and concerns are.

17. Not to put too much negativity into this situation but abusive individuals will do exactly as this person is. Love bombing a single mother, pushing for marriage and already talking about having a baby with a person who isnt healed from her last abusive experience possibly locking her into another. As she has already been in an abusive relationship there is obviously something about her that attracts abusive individuals. I was an administrator on a abusive relationship site and would warn those women not to get romantically involved until given clearance from their therapists as healing had occured which could take at least a year if not longer as they were extremely vulnerable after escaping their abusers. I dont believe this person should be dating anyone but concentrating on healing herself through talk therapy. One last thought, as this guy has a medical backround he should at least be somewhat familiar with the psychology of abusive relationships but still does exactly what he shouldnt be?

18. Any guy can be the perfect guy for 6 months. Your alarm bells are going off because it’s moving too fast. You said in a comment he showed up unannounced while you had your kids there. Did he know you had them there? Did you discuss a timeline for meeting the kids? To me that seems pushy and it’s a common tactic abusers use. The love bombing phase isn’t sustainable so they are rushing to get you invested and committed before they show who they really are. He may really be prince charming, but at 6mo you’re not dating the real him, you’re dating his representative. Proceed with caution.

    Communication is key here. Talk to him about how this is moving too fast. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

    Do NOT give up your home for a guy you’ve been dating for 6 months!

19. Please don’t break up but tell him u want to slow down

20. Look OP, it sounds like you have a really good relationship going on. It seems healthy and he wouldnt be spending as much as he is on you and your kids to make yall happy if he didnt genuinely love you. I think youre insecure from your last relationship. You say you think its moving too fast, but have you communicated this or said nothing? You cant expect him to just sense you want things to slow down. I wish the best for you OP

21. He’s 39. He obviously doesnt want to waste any more time.
    Myself & husband have friends who are in their mid to late 30’s, met, moved in, married & had kids all within 2 years. This isnt a once off occurrence with this happening to several of our friends. They dont do the dance around important decisions that you can in your twenties.
    talk to him and tell him to chill & slow down a bit if you’re not comfortable with the speed. Nothing wrong with that, but from what we see in our peer group its not out of the ordinary.

22. 1) Do you love him?
    2) Why can’t you just say, about moving in, “I’m not ready yet. I’m still getting my bearings being peaceful and happy.” And then think about it for real.

23. OP, I don’t believe that you should break up with him. I think the problem is that you feel out of control.
    I came from an abusive marriage and it took a long time to trust my now husband. I was always waiting for the mask to fall. He too was just like your boyfriend. Very attentive, considerate, willing to move heaven and earth to help and make you happy. This is a new situation in which you’re not familiar with and you feel out of control.

    Your boyfriend sees what he’s looking for in a life partner in you and it’s a wonderful thing. Love has no timeline. I understand you’re scared on one side but happy on the other- just sit and talk with him calmly and tell him that you’re feeling out of control and not familiar with someone being so good to you without expectations. If he loves you, and it sounds like he does, he’ll understand and help you feel more secure.

    **Don’t throw away a good thing because if your past! It’ll be another way that you ex has a hold on you and it’ll prevent you from moving forward.** Don’t give your ex that power any longer. You deserve happiness and your boys do too! It’s wonderful that he has taken to your children so well. Your children need to not only experience happiness and a healthy environment but they need someone to show them how a woman should be treated.

    Speak with him. He can’t help you if he doesn’t know there is a problem.

24. First of all, your feelings are valid. Reddit notoriously has this unhealthy reflex that the moment you admit feelings of insecurity people in the comments jump on you to shame you for them (I think it’s self-hatred). Don’t listen to them.

    In abusive relationships, what typically happens at the beginning is “love-bombing”, which very much includes being showered with gifts, financial or otherwise. Maybe this reminds you of how your former relationship started and it’s making your alarm ring? I do think that your partner should definitely check with you before buying your children expensive gifts, and I find it a bit alarming he didn’t do so. I’d hold off on the moving-together plan, and also let him know you will not be accepting any marriage proposals before a time to be determined by you, maybe 2 years? Up to you. Definitely communicate. Tell him it makes you feel inadequate if he just Mary-Poppins into your life and basically takes over.

25. I feel like you have two different things going on here. They’re not really related, but you’re combining them into one mess. So let’s try pulling them apart.

    First, you feel like this relationship is moving too quickly. You’re not ready to be committed just yet, because you’re still recovering from the end of your marriage. That’s completely fine, but it’s something that you need to talk to your boyfriend about. Let him know that you aren’t ready to move in or anything like that just yet, and it might be a while. That could be a dealbreaker for him, but if so, then he’s not the one anyway.

    Second, you’re struggling with feeling less than. You don’t say much about your marriage other than that it became toxic. Was your ex husband the sort of man who belittled you and downplayed your achievements? Are you still dealing with trauma from the toxicity? Because I don’t see how you are unworthy in any way. And don’t pay attention to his moms comments. Who knows where that came from, but it’s her problem and her attitude. It’s certainly not his attitude. He seems to think that you’re more than good enough.

26. Personally I feel like 6 months is too fast especially when you have children to think about because it’ll affect them. If his family takes negatively about you, they’ll hear it. If you get married and he turns out to be controlling they’ll be subjected to that. Sure financially he can support y’all but that doesn’t make him perfect. What is he like when times are tough? It’s perfectly acceptable to ask your SO to slow the relationship pace down for you. Get you know him more throughout the seasons.

27. Honestly I don’t think he’s really throwing up red flags except this is so SO early. ONLY 6 MONTHS! Is he future faking? Who knows. If you can slow this relationship down and tell him it’s way too early to be thinking about all this stuff it might be a great relationship a perfect partner for you for the rest of your life!

    But the way he’s rushing through everything is a little bit concerning. Is he trying to lock you down? Because he loves you or because you’re his mark? Who knows?

    You should trust your gut OP. Tell him you’re not ready to live together and you won’t be for at least a year maybe longer. Put the brakes on hard. If he’s willing to wait and be patient and let this relationship develop at a pace that’s comfortable to you then that says a lot for him. But if he just wants to steam roll over what you want for what he wants then that maybe he’s not the one. He sounds absolutely lovely though! Someone you COULD marry….. IN A COUPLE OF YEARS!

    You deserve a wonderful man. At your own pace! You do need to ask yourself if you believe you deserve such a wonderful – it kind of sounds like you don’t believe you’re worth it. But you are! Something to delve into in therapy?

    I really wish you the best!

28. He needs to slow tf down. 6 months is way too fast for most people to be ready for moving in together and making massive commitments. Paired with his mother getting in your head…

    It sounds like your issue isnt with him or with the relationship but rather its with the pace. Let him know that youre moving too fast and offer a more realistic timeline for when you may be ready for those things.

    For me, about 1.5 to 2 years is when I would be ready for a proposal and I would not uproot my life and move in with a man I wasnt at least engaged to. As a mom, i could see you needing similar long term stability and assurance to be ready for those steps.

29. It sounds like you don’t feel like you’re good enough. He obviously thinks you are.

    You need to put everything on the table. He is at a disadvantage since you know his plans. It would only be fair for you to tell him what you know, but most importantly what you think and how you feel.

    Don’t do it for your kids. Your kids will suffer more if you go into a situation that you’ll be miserable in. They’ll notice.

    He’s more motivated to ask you because you haven’t given any indication this isn’t what you want. He needs to know before he gets hurt.

    I’m not on his side, but like I said, he’s at a disadvantage in this situation, so I feel for him.

30. Control the pace OP. You’re right to not want to rush into things! If he’s as great as he sounds, he’ll understand, and slow down. But don’t let your feelings of inadequacy, and his AH mom, put you off exploring what sound to me like possibly the start of a good future…

31. Wow you are incredibly insecure. I am sure it stems from your abusive ex and I’m sure he instilled ideas in you saying you are not worthy of good things. Obviously this is a lie, but after being with him for so long it conditioned you to actually believe it. And still to this day you are not going to allow anything that good into your life because somewhere deep inside you really don’t believe you are worthy of such a good relationship. The best thing you can do is COMMUNICATE to him (or the very least a trusted friend or counselor/therapist) your feelings. It’s always so sad to me people like you hold all these thoughts and feelings inside like you described in the post, and you literally don’t even ever try to even talk about these things. You need a counselor asap, you need to communicate with your boyfriend everything, like how you don’t feel comfortable with all these things he’s doing for you and your kids. And tell him WHY. Cuz you don’t feel capable of being in such a loving and caring relationship, due to the fact you are conditioned to have an abusive partner. It’s literally so ridiculous to me you are actually considering breaking up because of your insecurities and the fact you won’t even share that with him or anybody. If you break up with this man, you are going to regret it the rest of your life. I guarantee you that. You will see how big of a mistake it is and you will wish you had listen to advice to find an Alternative solution for dealing with how you feel insecure rather then just breaking up. Also if you break up with him you are conditioned for relationships that are abusive, you will not feel comfortable in a relationship until you find someone abusive because that is what feels so familiar to you. So sad but it’s true.

    If you ask anyone who is single and in the same scenario as you and they found they found a partner that is willing to love you so deeply and sacrifice all his energy and time and money he is trying to show you how much he loves you, anybody who isn’t insecure about themselves will literally feel like they found a lottery ticket and feel so amazing and in love and happy for your kids. I mean Jesus Christ if nothing else suck up your damn pride about being his assistant at work and do it for your kids. Do you know how many single mother am would die to find someone like you have found? And you want to break up simply cuz everything isn’t perfect with positions at work and cuz someone else in his family said something a little rude? Like come on give me a break everyone goes through shit like that with their partners family.
    Think about this, envision yourself in the best relationship possible with your boyfriend, how he is willing to spend all this money on you out of Love, not out of control. I believe deep down you feel like he is doing all this so he can control you so that he can eventually change and become very controlling and abusive. But what if he is actually genuinely a good guy and has a good heart and isn’t going to abuse you? What if he is the best thing to happen to your children ever and he shows yours kids how to mature and have a sense of self worth like what your boyfriend has about himself. That trait is going to rub off on your kids and they will grow up into adults that believe they are worthy of having a good life with a good family with a good job and a good house. Or you can break up with this amazing guy and go find another abusive boyfriend so that your kids can learn and grow up in a house of fear and develop subconscious beliefs about how a relationship is full of abuse and fear and controlling and neglect and negativity. Gosh that is a really tough choice huh?

32. As others have said, I think just being blunt with him and all of this is a good course of action. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. His family not as much. That said, 6 months is still a short time. It’s difficult to just date longer but sometimes it’s important too. But remember he’s not perfect – in fact there are many things he is doing that aren’t. But you are living on New Relationship Energy right now so it’s hard to see.

33. You sound like a good person and I don’t know you.

    Maybe have a chat about slowing down because I think you may just be a bit gun shy after your previous experiences.

    More importantly my misses is the exact opposite of all my ex’s and this is the first relationship I’ve really enjoyed.
    Judging by his family you are the opposite of his ex’s so maybe you’re that perfect person he found because my misses is!

34. GET THERAPY. Please. You are enough. You are worthy and deserving of this perfect man. If after therapy you still feel the same then that’s ok, but at least give this a chance by going to therapy. You owe that to him and you.

35. Do not self sabotage by making up excuses about home decor differences and the kids moving schools. Just breathe. Is he good enough for you? Does he make you happy? If the answer is yes, then you can ask him to slow down. He clearly thinks you’re good enough for him and is treating you very well. Don’t make his decision for him. Focus on your decision and whether he makes you happy.