Firstly I really enjoy giving my gf pleasure and we have pretty good sex (she has expressed she’s fully satisfied). She has said I’m a selfless lover but every once in a while it gets to me that I don’t feel focused on.
I’m happy to just make her cum but it feels like there are less times when the focus is just on me. I’ve done a lot to try new stuff for her and gotten her toys. I’ve told her I want to try new things but it feels like me leading all the time.
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When the focus is on me (bj, hj) I feel rushed and it problematically makes it take longer. In my mind it seems like its a task to her and there is less sensuality / exploration.
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Today I introduced to her the idea of trying some hj techniques. She’s admittedly bad at them and she seemed excited (though ashamed she hasn’t looked or tried any). I partially introduced them to get her more into it and to not feel rushed. I am a little disappointed she hasn’t wanted to experiment or explore more on her own though.
I have let her know before that I feel rushed. She’s said she needs to work on that and her stamina but nothing has really happened since.
**How can I tell her (without hurting her feelings) that it doesn’t feel like much has changed since last discussion and that I still feel rushed and like she’s not into it?**
**How can I tactfully let her know I would appreciate some spontaneity / creativity / new stuff from her (not just for me)?**
My initial approach would be: ‘It may just be in my head but when the focus is on me it feels rushed and like you aren’t interested. We talked about this before but recently it feels the same. (If accurate) Is there anything we could do to make it more fun for you?’ and ‘I enjoy the sex we have and like introducing new things. I would really enjoy having you surprise me some new toys / techniques / ideas if you’re into it.’
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**UPDATE:**
Thanks everyone for the comments.
I talked about this with my girlfriend and she was very receptive.
**What I said:**
I told her it could be only my perception but experiences focused on my pleasure felt rushed to me (especially handjobs) and that I felt a bit hurt that there was less exploring of me and my pleasure.
I brought up that in a related way it felt like I was mostly the one introducing new things and that while I was happy to do so the idea of her introducing stuff was exciting and felt different.
We talked about how I wanted more exploration of my penis and techniques and I made sure to mention that the parts of the penis and pleasing it in different ways can be overlooked sometimes, just like the vulva which I think was important to include.
I told her that in looking up handjob techniques I learned some stuff and of course that by having a penis I had plenty of experience.
**Her response:**
While she did feel a little bad it was a very constructive conversation. She did reveal that she does enjoy pleasing me / giving me handjobs but that sometimes she could just get lost in the repetitiveness and zone out a little.
We talked about her ‘stamina’ performing handjobs and she came to the conclusion that part of it was because we did it standard, laying down, which also isn’t the most engaging thing.
She conceded that she hadn’t put much effort into exploring our sex life, partially because I was leading the new stuff and partially just because she was happy with it and is happy with our relationship so didn’t think of it.
She mentioned that she’s never felt good at handjobs and would rather have PIV but I elaborated that I would like some focus on my pleasure a little more (of course still including her during or later whenever she wanted). Talking about hjs and the parts of the penis being overlooked was helpful and made her feel better.
Overall she was very receptive and committed to trying more in the future.
​
**Tips:**
* COMMUNICATE: I was so worried about hurting her feelings I waited way too long to have this conversation and it could’ve made it more difficult
* Asking her to introduce more stuff in the bedroom was something I was afraid to ask but turned out great
* Make sure you have this conversation in a calm and caring way
* Don’t be accusatory, make sure to frame things as the way you feel, perceive things, not absolute reality
* Be understanding and let them know this is common; a lot of people think penises and men are very simple and not all of them are.
* Introducing new ideas, at first my gf felt upset but emphasizing that it was stuff I was learning too was helpful
* Trying different hj positions can be good for getting her more engaged
* Don’t expect the reaction I got! Make sure to give space and time if they need it.
**Tips from her:**
* appreciates being told what to do, can be harder to gauge (hj vs bj)
* **use the right lube, lots of lube is gross and gets sticky and has to be reapplied** (we’re going to try coconut oil tonight)
* if its taking a long time adding in some touching for her
* verbal encouragement
* watching videos to learn
16 comments
I’m watching keenly, this could nearly have been written by me!! ♥️
Recently my SO and I did an evening of sensual/erotic massage. Get a blindfold and candles and some oil, and take turns. The goal is exploration and pleasure, not orgasm, so that should help with the “it feels rushed” aspect. The blindfold helps with the “I feel self conscious” aspect if that’s an issue for your girlfriend feeling a lack of confidence in trying new things. She might find some new fun spots to touch that can be added to your normal routine.
I also believe that creativity is something we need to practice regularly. If your girlfriend has lost touch with her creativity generally, she’s not going to be able to magically tap into it during sex.
Women can be insecure about their bodies, their sexual abilities, and the exploration of their sexuality. This includes with their partners. Maybe she hadn’t had someone who is so open and experimental. Start slow and be patient with her. And give her lots of praise when she is doing something your really love.
Find out what she loves and what gives her pleasure, and see if you can tie your pleasure into that. And be very encouraging. See if you can somehow turn this into a positive thing. She may know what is going on in your head, but ask her to be honest and clear about what goes on in her head. She could be dealing with things that are keeping you from synching up every time. I hope this helped. It’s hard to give examples and advice without knowing personally what she’s like and what she’s into and not into. Some women actually don’t like giving oral or hand jobs. I love them, but without practice my jaw hurts or my wrist hurts.
I liked your last paragraph.
I saw a lot in here that I can empathize with, made me think a little about how much I do in comparison, too.
One thing to keep in mind: she may be insecure about her abilities. Think about singing. When someone first gets out in front of people and starts trying to sing, the anxiety/self doubt/second guessing can be excruciating, along with self defeating (its best to clear your head and not thing about how you sound/look).
Similar to starting out being more focused on a partner in sex, when they haven’t before. She’s probably thinking she looks ridiculously bad/clueless. Just be patient and guide her to what you want, but careful not to put out this little kindling before it gets to a strong fire. Be positive reinforcing, adding to her knowledge, and realize she’s out on a stage being watched.
Maybe something could help her relax, while she tries things out:
her fav music
the lights being off
a glass of wine prior
or you with a sleep mask on (so you aren’t/can’t be seen as staring at her)
Communication usually helps.
Whenever she is pleasuring you be really into it moan and tell her how good it feels touch her body too like her tits or face and guide her show her what makes you feel good it’ll boost her confidence that you are enjoying yourself and make her feel sexy and wanted and want to do it more often . I’ve noticed if my man is just sitting there not even look at me it makes me think he isn’t enjoying it and I don’t want to do it anymore
Following
I think both of your suggestions are tactful. It’s good to be direct about your feelings and own them without being overly accusatory. Get her to open up, maybe she’s insecure or feeling some shame or she’s worried about not pleasing you or something.
Are you guys into bdsm at all ? Your girlfriend seems to like when you take control and choose what’s going on and obviously she’s open to toys. When your the dominant you can kind of lead the intensity of the blowjobs. If you guys establish the dynamic she still gets to be led with you choosing what’s going on, but you also kinda choose when it’s your turn to get head.(obviously unless she objects) I am speaking as if you have a base line of bdsm but if you don’t please educate yourself and do not just read this comment because I am sure I am not verbalizing what I mean correctly lol. If someone wants to help.
I can be guilty of being a pillow princess here and there.
I actually would bring it up to my husband that I wanted to explore my sexual abilities more and asked if he could give more encouragement and tell me when things are satisfying him.
And it works 🙂
Maybe you guys can look into tantric sex? It’s basically where you at aside long stretches of time for sex sessions essentially, to connect and be sexual without the intent to orgasm. And, like, you don’t have to completely avoid it if you don’t want to, but the focus is really on just feeling each other’s bodies and energy and being with watch other. It’s meant to be done slowly. It kinda frees up the expectation of orgasm. And then, if you do come, you just do and you guys enjoy it. At least, that’s the intent. Just an idea 🤷♀️☮️
I think your phrasing seems good. I (female) had an ex express a similar concern. He was silent during anything I did and it made me think I was doing a poor job, so I would rush to piv so he could actually enjoy himself.
When we finally had a talk, he felt like I wasn’t into it because I was so serious looking (I was trying desperately to do better because I thought he wasn’t enjoying it) and he was silent because he was enjoying it and afraid if he let show how much he liked it, he would finish too quickly and we’d miss out on piv.
May not be the situation, but just wanted to share in case this is what’s happening with you two
She may not enjoy giving hj or bj and to her it is a chore and she’s only doing it to please you. She may also not want to say I don’t like doing hand jobs/blow jobs and just want to get them over with. If she’s not into it she’s just not into and if she feels your focusing on it she may start to resent you and dislike it even more.
**UPDATE:**
Thanks everyone for the comments.
I talked about this with my girlfriend and she was very receptive.
**What I said:**
I told her it could be only my perception but experiences focused on my pleasure felt rushed to me (especially handjobs) and that I felt a bit hurt that there was less exploring of me and my pleasure.
I brought up that in a related way it felt like I was mostly the one introducing new things and that while I was happy to do so the idea of her introducing stuff was exciting and felt different.
We talked about how I wanted more exploration of my penis and techniques and I made sure to mention that the parts of the penis and pleasing it in different ways can be overlooked sometimes, just like the vulva which I think was important to include.
I told her that in looking up handjob techniques I learned some stuff and of course that by having a penis I had plenty of experience.
**Her response:**
While she did feel a little bad it was a very constructive conversation. She did reveal that she does enjoy pleasing me / giving me handjobs but that sometimes she could just get lost in the repetitiveness and zone out a little.
We talked about her ‘stamina’ performing handjobs and she came to the conclusion that part of it was because we did it standard, laying down, which also isn’t the most engaging thing.
She conceded that she hadn’t put much effort into exploring our sex life, partially because I was leading the new stuff and partially just because she was happy with it and is happy with our relationship so didn’t think of it.
She mentioned that she’s never felt good at handjobs and would rather have PIV but I elaborated that I would like some focus on my pleasure a little more (of course still including her during or later whenever she wanted). Talking about hjs and the parts of the penis being overlooked was helpful and made her feel better.
Overall she was very receptive and committed to trying more in the future.
​
**Tips:**
* COMMUNICATE: I was so worried about hurting her feelings I waited way too long to have this conversation and it could’ve made it more difficult
* Asking her to introduce more stuff in the bedroom was something I was afraid to ask but turned out great
* Make sure you have this conversation in a calm and caring way
* Don’t be accusatory, make sure to frame things as the way you feel, perceive things, not absolute reality
* Be understanding and let them know this is common; a lot of people think penises and men are very simple and not all of them are.
* Introducing new ideas, at first my gf felt upset but emphasizing that it was stuff I was learning too was helpful
* Trying different hj positions can be good for getting her more engaged
* Don’t expect the reaction I got! Make sure to give space and time if they need it.
**Tips from her:**
* appreciates being told what to do, can be harder to gauge (hj vs bj)
* **use the right lube, lots of lube is gross and gets sticky and has to be reapplied** (we’re going to try coconut oil tonight)
* if its taking a long time adding in some touching for her
* verbal encouragement
* watching videos to learn
* **She took it well partially because I take the effort to learn about her body and her pleasure**
Brilliant communication and great relationship with your girlfriend.
You don’t. Welcome to being a dude.