Im not empathetic enough. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I instantly go to either a “devils advocate” mode or a “problem solving” mode.
It’s really causing a lot of strain in our marriage. She needs to vent, to let it out, to express her emotions. She tells me that she feels like she can’t express herself and I make her feel this way.
We’ve had so many fights, arguments, discussions on this. And at the end of it all, I always tell her I’ll work on it. I’ll do better.
So guess what… I do work on it. BUT…. I’ve realized this past few years, I’m only working on “what to say”
“Oh, that must be hard.” “Wow, that must really hurt.” Etc.
But it’s all bullshit. I understand she’s upset, mad, etc, but it’s not coming from ME. I just know what to say.
And guess what.. she knows that. I get to the point where I’m just saying “alright” “okay” and she knows damn well I’m just saying it.
My face is saying everything… just a cold blank stare. In my head I’m just thinking “this is not a big deal” “she’s overreacting” “ugh, this again.” “Who does she have a problem with now?” Etc.
And guess what. She’s not wrong. Everything she vents or complains about is valid.
I love her to death. But I just feel like a shitty person for thinking this way. It’s not about me. It’s not about how I feel about it.
As the conversation goes on it becomes so apparent, I start to go into problem solving mode, and worse… devils advocate. Then we fight.
I don’t wanna continue on this anymore. I love her way too much to give her this much stress.
I wanna support her, I wanna be her rock. I feel like I’m just a nuisance to her life. I feel like I don’t add anything.
I can’t even support her in her emotions, like what the fuck.
I just wanted to get it out there.
And before anyone says, I do go to therapy. Not enough though. I’ve been working on things for years. My communication sucks, I have family problems, its such a mess. Obviously my lack of empathy comes from my family of origin, so I’m working that out. But my wife can’t wait for forever for me to process my life.
I wanna be there for my family. I wanna be a better man.
TL;DR: empathy doesn’t come naturally to me. My wife doesn’t feel that I validate her feelings. I always play “devils advocate” or “problem solving” and when I do “validate her feelings” it’s inauthentic because I’m just saying “words” that I know are empathetic phrases.
Thanks all.
5 comments
Reddit can’t help you more than your therapist can.
Intellectual empathy is possible. You just have to try and dial down the problem solving.
Obviously, more therapy.
But I think you need to get to the root of why you don’t think she’s worthy of empathy. Why don’t you think her problems are that bad, why does it annoy you if she brings things up that you’ve already talked about? And then why can’t you just sit with it instead of problem solving? I get that you want to solve her problems but I think you’re also trying to make them go away as fast as possible without wanting to FEEL them.
I suspect you also have no empathy for yourself. Maybe you need to work on having love and compassion for yourself, before you can give it to her. And feeling your own feelings so you can sit with hers.
My ex was like you but a lot worse – he didn’t even pretend. If I said anything negative about work he’d say ‘that’s your job, get over it’. With a lot of hindsight I know this is because he thought he was smarter than me and worked much harder than me. He would have said he loved me to death too, but he didn’t really care about or respect me as a person. I don’t know if that’s true for you, maybe not, but I’ll put it out there. Good luck, I’m proud of you for recognising this flaw and working on it.
>My face is saying everything… just a cold blank stare.
My eyes kinda glaze over when people talk to me for a long time. Culturally, my people don’t do eye contact very well *and* I’m neurodivergent lol. Double whammy. So, I tend to look at objects of interest or stare off into space, but I nod and move my eyebrows a lot to communicate that I am listening.
>In my head I’m just thinking “this is not a big deal” “she’s overreacting” “ugh, this again.” “Who does she have a problem with now?” Etc.
Hmm, so you don’t always have to agree with someone’s emotional conclusions in order to offer them sympathy and good listening. Both of my closest friends are pessimists, and I’m an optimist. Neither way is “better” or “more correct”. We have these mindsets as a result of our childhood experiences.
There are times when I feel like my friends are seeing dark clouds where there are none. And sometimes, my thoughts about their dark clouds aren’t very nice. Sometimes the words “paranoid” and “dramatic” come into my mind. Those aren’t nice descriptors, and they’re not fair either. My friends are level-headed people. They are just pessimists, and I honestly don’t “get it” all the time.
Really, those nasty words like “paranoid” are just *my* grumpy emotional reaction to not getting what I want in the moment — which is usually an easy breezy time with my pals that fills my cup instead of draining it lol. Of course, friendship is rarely so simple. Deep connections require being there for hard times too.
I want to be a safe person for my pessimistic friends, so even if I can’t *empathize*, I still offer sympathy when they see a dark cloud. When I’m feeling grumpy about their dark clouds… I remind myself, “hey, at the end of the day this is someone I love who is hurting. My opinion about their interpretation of this situation is not important — that is just my ego talking. What matters right now is my care for this person, and they need sympathy from me.” Then it becomes a matter of duty to me, and I’m able to push aside my self-centred grumpiness.
I have a problem with this, too. I just… don’t feel bad when people make stupid decisions and get bad results. I don’t care when they are annoyed again by something they could have fixed the last time it happened.
I try VERY hard to listen to the emotion my partner is expressing rather than the situations behind the emotions.