I’ve been on Reddit since The Before Times, having been one of the early adopters- back when we used to argue who was better, Reddit or FARK- but since I’m in a public facing position, I am an almost universal lurker. This is the first time I’ve ever used a burner account for anything. So here goes nothing.
My wife and I have been married for a double digit number of years. We have three kids, and have had a good relationship; there have absolutely been strains- we both work in emergency services/”essential” jobs and the pandemic was… not fun or easy on us or our relationship.
We’ve been at a stage where we were having less and less sex, with the distinct feeling from her it’s a chore. That’s not sexy to me, I don’t want a fleshlight, I want her to want to have sex and enjoy it. If she doesn’t then I don’t want to do it. I offer to go down on her, because I fucking love doing that, and she says no. I think because when she orgasms, it’s mess- a delightful one to me but requires changing the sheets. Again, fine with me, but if she doesn’t want that…
Her upbringing I think doesn’t help here either, it was very much a stoic and “women don’t do that, women don’t complain” one. For instance, her dad died very young early in our marriage, and she was devastated obviously, but was very much had a “this is a thing that happened, and there is no point bellyaching about it, let’s move on” attitude about it. She was also a firefighter before her current job, and I found out just a couple years ago from a former colleague of her that she once pulled a six-year old out of a car wreck who kept saying “my mommy and daddy won’t wake up” and held the kid until their family came. I get her not sharing that- I worked in the PICU in the early part of my career, there are things I haven’t told her because I would then have to relive them. But just as background. We’re both in professions notorious for helping other people but refusing to help ourselves.
So after too long of just not having sex- a few months- I finally realized I was a moron for not asking and discussing it with her, instead of just shrugging it off and figuring it’ll fix itself eventually. So we sat down and had an open conversation about that. And she told me I was too well endowed and that frequent sex wasn’t something she could do easily.
I was speechless. I had a couple girlfriends way back who said similar stuff in a lacivious manner, but I never believed it, I figured they were saying it because it’s the sort of thing they thought guys want to hear. But I don’t give a shit now. I don’t have anyone to impress by that. I see death frequently and nobody’s last words has ever been “I wish my dick had been bigger/more people had known I was hung/etc”. Nobody cares.
I didn’t delve into that too much because it was an emotional conversation with other stuff. I’m just concerned that, since this is the first time I’ve ever heard that from her, that it’s masking a deeper issue. Like she said that to make me go “I’m huge, woo!” and sort of “end” the issue there, and maybe she isn’t attracted to me anymore, or she wants to move on, etc. Or if it’s true, what I can do to do other things to make her enjoy sex, to loosen up, etc.
I’m just at an impasse on what to do or where to go from here. I want her to be happy. Any advice is appreciated.
46 comments
You let your self go
Edit: OP helpfully clarified in comments that the girlfriends in the past were remarking about his size in a more jokey complimentary manner, not that they were expressing pain and he was disbelieving that they were in pain, and he’s edited his post accordingly. Before his clarifications and edits, that wasn’t apparent to me, and I appreciate the extra info.
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>I had a couple girlfriends way back who said similar stuff but I never believed it
It makes me really sad that multiple women have been upfront with you about your size making sex painful (which of course is NOT your fault) and you didn’t believe them, and here you are years later not believing your wife who’s telling you the same thing.
You ask in your title if that’s “true” or if she’s “hiding the truth.” Why are you asking total strangers instead of believing your own wife?
She’s given you something to go off of. Go off of it. You have the information, you just have to discuss it. Explain to her that you hear and acknowledge what she’s saying and that you’re appreciative she opened up to you and was honest about her feelings. Then go from there.
Vaginas are not just infinite vortexes…? Why don’t you try something else like toys or your fingers/tongue… or like non-penetrative stuff??
Unfortunately that can be very true and as women age and have children a certain amount of vaginal atrophy can happen and make sex more painful.
I would suggest discussing with your partner some possibilities like pelvic floor therapy and sec therapy for you both. Coming at it as a we problem can help out a lot with the unfortunate embarrassment that can come with certain things like this.
You probably need to do more core play and just generally take a break from PinV for a while between. Yes guys can be too big. Most women are into “average”
Like fuck. My partner is well endowed and it’s my thing, but I literally have to FORCE MYSELF to take a few days between sometimes because it gets sore down there.
She shouldn’t keep doing it if it starts hurting. Goddamn. Maybe just listen to what she wants for once.
Well, after you and your wife discuss this more, because that needs to happen…
Maybe she could benefit from pelvic floor PT if she is interested is trying to make sec less painful. It saved my life!
So you asked her, she told you something you had heard before, and your response is to say she’s lying? Christ i feel terrible for your wife.
I agree with most of the comments but I would like to advise you to put a towel under your wife when you have dinner. Makes cleaning up so much easier.😉
Most people obssessed over dick size are men who watch too much porn. Yes, it hurts, it’s called sex, not caving a tunnel. Work with your wife to make adjustments on your PIV so it can be less painful to her.
I’ve been thankful that my current partner isn’t larger. If he was larger, I couldn’t handle the frequency of sex we have. I have ended romances previously because I knew the guys size would be a problem and avoiding escalating a fwb situation because I knew he’d want sex more than I could handle.
But PIV (penis in vagina sex) isn’t the only options! This is useful information. Suggest putting off PIV for like a month and focusing on mutual masturbation and blow jobs. Maybe ask her to use a fleshlight on you. This is something y’all can work on iff you listen to her and prove you can work with her.
I had an an experience where I was having sex with someone and I told him I was in pain because he was too big.
He thought it was a compliment and I guess a turn on so he started going harder. After a few seconds, I was in so much pain I started crying and I ended up in a hospital that night.
Please listen to what she telling you man.
1) you need to get a waterproof blanket,
It’s kinda crazy to me that you’ve been together so many years yet still have to change the sheets whenever she orgasms. Of course that’s no fun
2) if it wasn’t a problem before then it’s probably only a problem now because she isn’t turned on when you have sex. If she isn’t aroused and ready for it then a big dick will be very uncomfortable and even hurt, and it sounds like her “duty sex” is pretty much that
I’m not sure how you date your wife again and seduce her but her not wanting to have sex and not enjoying it/desiring you is probably the problem, I’m sorry. Also just buy a big water proof blanket for Christ sakes. You can get a super nice one on Amazon for 70$ and it changes everything
Edit:
I forgot to mention this but I hope you are using a good quality lube every time
It could be you’re too big, but also perhaps it’s positions and technique. I’ve been with a guy who did NOT warn me how big he was (I don’t think he knew, either?!- apparently he had a friend who was much bigger) and honestly I didn’t know penises could be the size of someone’s forearm. It didn’t hurt, at all. But he was gentle and there was tons of foreplay.
Since this is the first time she’s opening up to you, I’d say now is the time to communicate and dissect-
When does it hurt?
Does it hurt every time?
Is there anything that makes it comfortable?
Is it the length of time you’re having sex? Does she need more stimulation? Different positions?
Look into something called the ohnut. My husband and I use one. I’ve been with an above average man in the past and it is painful and does unfortunately kill your sex drive. The ohnut is a silicone buffer that will help prevent you from penetrating too deep. My husband and I use one because I have sensitive cervix and it works great, and it’s designed to feel good for you too
Lube. All the lube.
You’d get better comments on Fark about this
Your wife may also be experiencing some peri menopause systems. My husband has a big ol thang and certain positions have gotten more painful as my hormone levels change.
Do you have some high quality Lube? There are some excellent ones out there. See if that helps. Also get a nice pad for the bed. There are some nice ones available. Take responsibility for managing her comfort and figure it out!
Unless you spent last Halloween dressed as a gas pump, I would call bullshit on the to big statement. I have to give her credit though. Most of these stories are far less cordial.
Lots and lots of foreplay and lots and lots of lube. Also, don’t slam into her cervix repeatedly, try to stop just before, or be gentle and slow.
I might be dumb for buying into this story, but it took me a few tries and a lot of communication to figure out that pain every time for them wasn’t just a normal part of sex.
Is that a real thing? Yes. I won’t date a man who is too big for me. I don’t like painful sex.
Sucks that she waited this long to tell you. She should have told you from day one.
I don’t know if this is a real post, but.
Yes. It’s a thing. It could be vaginismus, where her pelvic floor muscles are too tight. It could be a lot of things, really, but if she says it’s always been uncomfortable, that’s my bet. A gynecologist will help her a lot. She should be just as embarrassingly honest with them. She also may have thin vaginal tissue.
Your wife trusted you a LOT to tell you that, buddy. When a woman has discomfort like that during sex, they feel like something is wrong with them. Maybe you’ll give up and find a woman who has sex as easily as they breathe if we tell. Maybe now when she wants it rougher because it is feeling great, she worries you would hold back. That it won’t be sex anymore, it will be some weird sort of “are you ok” thing.
Concentrate on the “other” things. Warming her up, so to speak. Whatever that looks like for her. This isn’t something us women are taught about in school, and from some of the replies – yeah, this is why women may go their whole lives rather being labeled frigid than broken. You have a good woman there who trusts you. I hope this unlocks a whole new level of love for you both.
It’s crazy that you two have been married for over 10 years and she’s just now mentioning it
I’m above average and it definitely limits my sex life. It was part of the reason a woman I was with for 18 years kept the sex very vanilla. And very infrequent. Anything other than straight missionary PIV was off the table. Once I learned a position hurt I never asked for it again. But she didn’t even want to try alternative stuff. Ended up in a 10 year DB.
I’m not sure how old your kids are. Scar tissue from childbirth episiotomy/tearing can make sex hurt. The shape of things inside can change over the years. These are problems to solve together over a long period of time. Not going to be solved in one conversation. Also, if she has been grinning and bearing it for a while, she now is less interested and thinking about sex might turn her off. You might need to start slow and say sec is off the table and just touch so that she can relax and get aroused again with no pressure…which means walking away without finishing sometimes.
The sexiest words to her right now might be “we don’t have to have sex” so you can just have some physical intimacy without anxiety.
Sounds to me like she is gas lighting you. Something is up. I would talk to her about THAT.
So multiple past partners have told you this, your wife is now telling you this, and instead of believing any of the women who have told you this, you’re now asking a bunch of strangers on the internet??
Lol, poorly disguised humblebrag post to throw out there how “big” he is, possibly solicit DMs from horny girls. Transparent and pathetic.
Your partner was likely lying anyway lol
This sounds fake. All the way too much detail, like who cares if you are a firefighter with a throw away. Classic fake story giveaway.
Yes, PIV can hurt. Heck, tampons and fingers can hurt. It can hurt if the woman isn’t aroused, isn’t lubricated, has certain medical conditions, or takes certain medications. It can also hurt if the dick / dildo is clumsy, jack hammers, hits the cervix, is very large (long or thick), or is oddly curved.
I personally prefer big (DMs are closed) but the weilder needs to know what they are doing.
Considering she also doesn’t want head I’d say that your size isn’t the *only* issue. But yes, size can absolutely make PIV difficult. My fiance is very well endowed and we had to go to a sex therapist to learn how to have PIV because I’d stopped wanting to “endure” it.
But what are you doing outside of sex? Are you flirting with her? Giving her intimacy/compliments/hugs/kisses without the expectation of sex? Or are you both just getting through all the tedious daily tasks and then asking her if she wants to have sex?
Because most women can’t go from ‘boring stressful ass shit’ to ‘I want to hop on a dick’. Especially women with 3 kids and crazy jobs.
Dude, you need to talk to your wife, because something doesn’t add up here.
If true, she should have brought it up WAY earlier but more importantly it’s hard for me to imagine that she hasn’t reacted to pain during sex in a way you’ve noticed in the past, you’ve been together for so long. So unless you are completely oblivious to her discomfort surely you would have noticed? I’m a bit above average too, in certain positions I’ve got to be careful with my wife but of course occasionally either because I lose control a bit or we both get out of rhythm I end up hitting her wrong (cervix) and when I do it’s obvious I’ve hurt her from her reaction.
So maybe you are a bit big for her sometimes and maybe you have hurt her a bit in the past but I doubt that’s the entirety of the issue because if it were that would be much more obvious. There’s likely something deeper going on here. That often the way with women. If say she’s feeling under appreciated generally she may say something like “I’m really tired from housework” and it’s up to YOU as the guy to do the emotional work to decode what she’s REALLY saying. Because that’s the whole point, women SUB communicate their needs and wants and frustrations a lot of the time because they want their guy to simply GET them. And as men there’s no point getting frustrated at that and saying “bloody woman should just ask for what she wants” because it’s a subconscious drive in women to sub communicate to their man, they really can’t do anything about it. When they are vulnerable they talk at tangents to lead their guy to the real reason and it’s actually quite useful because in doing so it builds empathy.
I know, it’s a lot of work but that’s kind of the point. I’m 30 years with my girl and you learn more about women everyday. I’m always reminded of the song “Why can’t a woman be more like a man!?” in My Fair Lady. Dr Higgins is bemoaning Eliza for being frustrating and ignorant but ultimately shows himself to be the frustrating and ignorant one because he simply doesn’t understand that women can’t be men.
So gosh, I’ve written a lot. TLDR talk to her Dude, don’t be fooled it’s likely not about your dick. You’re maybe being oblivious to something deeper, a perceived lack of concern for her maybe and she’s channeling that as “one time her hurt me during sex and didn’t notice”. If you focus on the sex you’ll miss the real issue, so just let her talk and ask questions, don’t make judgements and dig down into this.
Surprised no one mentioned r/bigdickproblems as it can be a legit problem.
Fist pumping the air rn. Here’s to me hoping my future wife just needs even more sex on account of how small I am
She should take it slowly and let herself stretch around you
Take her away, let her relax. Make her fully open up to you. Make her feel comfortable. My hubby is pretty big and to be honest, twice in my life he was little to harsh and I did kick him. There are ways to do it. We do have a awesome s*z life, but the best one is when we are on vacation 😉 away from everybody and everything. Make this about her. Just ask how she would like it, tell her to give you direction. Just follow the what she says and you’ll be good. ( for beginning you may recommend for her to just play with herself and just watch her, and u do the same) enjoy each other.
Good luck to you and wifey
#HOW BIGS YOUR DICK
Your wife should see her gynecologist, I had cysts in my ovaries for years before I had kids and it made sex unbearable even with someone with a small member. There are a lot of things that can make a bigger member more painful for women. It might be a sign of a health issue. It could be something to do with the way her pelvis is aligned, or she could have vaginismus, or endometriosis, ect.💖
yeah …. been there. currently there.
My husband is larger than average. We didn’t realize it for the first two decades of our relationship since we were our firsts. It caused some issues of discomfort and incompatibility the first few years of our relationship. We never really knew the reason, but despite this I feel like I kinda grew into him, if that makes sense. Sometimes certain angles hurt at certain times but not others. At that point we switch around.
I think the things that stick out to me are a) why hasn’t she brought this up earlier? a) has she been faking pleasure or are you not tuned into her needs? It’s not impossible, but it’s definitely an odd thing to go unchecked for so long.
Its true. I was with my ex husband for 15 years and married for 12, sex HURT, even after 2 kids, it still hurt. He divorced me because he assumed I just didn’t want him anymore, he never tried counseling, he never went to the doctor with me, he just assumed and had me served divorce papers at work because he didnt want to face me. It has been a year since we seperated, he still trys to hook up with me, and he STILL doesnt understand IT WAS FUCKING PAINFUL! I hope someday he regrets his decision to break our family apart due to sex physically hurting me. But I know he never will. Please listen to her.
OP, did I read this right?
The two of you have been together over a double-digit period, have 3 children together and…is it JUST NOW that she is bringing this up?
Have you asked or looked into this “too big” reason of hers, i.e., discussed it further to see if she’s depressed, has other health concerns or just doesn’t want to have sex anymore? Have any of her habits or anything else changed about her?
I’ve never had complaints from my SO, and I never saw a movie where Godzilla’s old lady complained after a lively night. Personally, I’d just want to know more, both out of concern for her, the children, and for my own mental health.
Something has changed and if she doesn’t want you going down on her and if sex has gotten more painful it could be that she is more sensitive. If she doesn’t want you to go down on her maybe she is experiencing other types of discomfort down there that she doesn’t want to discuss with you.
Diet changes will do that, so will exhaustion. Come up with a game plan with her- and don’t pressure her. There is nothing sexy about being made to feel like you’re not enough.
If you want her sex drive to go up- make her feel good in other ways. Are you guys secure& stable, is the house taken care of, does she have enough time for self care, are you going on dates?
She may not be feeling good unrelated to you.
You have been married for yrs with 3 kids. Why didn’t she complain before. Her reason sounds fishy
I don’t have any advice about whether or not your wife truly thinks you’re too big – but from a “have to change the sheets” perspective, I’d suggest investing in a blanket specifically made for that. I bought one for $99 from this brand called Squirtopia and it has been a GAME CHANGER with me & my current boo. No more changing sheets at midnight or forgoing playtime because it will be too messy.
I’d divorce or have an affair
There is absolutely a real chance that she is being honest with you.
Pregnancy causes a never ending list of problems for a woman’s body. It is quite literally one of the worst things a woman can do for her physical health.
It is a very real possibility that during one of your wife’s pregnancies or births, that it has caused a sustain injury.
If your wife’s pudendal nerve has been effected, it will cause the vagina to feel like it’s on fire 24/7. The pain then causes the muscles to atrophy, making the issue worse.
She needs to see a gynaecologist, a physiotherapist and a neurologist to rule out injuries.