Hello, the friend in question was my best friend since childhood, but in recent years we distanced from each other because she moved out to study in different city, and we hang out like once or twice a month. Nonetheless when we hang out it’s like we see each other everyday, we just continue from where we stopped last time we’ve seen each other.
But I’m questioning should I continue doing this because I have a doubt that she is a good friend to me because of following situation that happened.
This year a close family member of mine has had a tragic accident that left them quadriplegic, and in ICU for very long time. It left my family members and me in very bad psychological state. During this time my friend didn’t show too much support and just went out with different people and didn’t reach out to me for couple of months.
The cost of medical treatment of our family member is astronomical. So our family organised a fundraiser event to help them get medial treatment asap.
This is the moment I started doubting our friendship. A lot of people showed up at our event: family, aquitances that drove from other countries, people that we dont even know but were touched by the story. But not my friend. She didn’t come.
My question is, should I continue hanging out with her? Because I do have good time with her when we hang out.
Even if I know that she didn’t show up at the toughest period in my life, while a lot of people that weren’t that close to me, did.
I don’t know if I should just cut ties with her, or continue to hang out with her, without any deeper meaning like friendship.
Sorry for bad English, it’s not my native language.
TL:DR
My best friend from childhood, which I love to hang out with, didn’t show up during toughest period of my life. I don’t know if I should continue hanging out with her.
30 comments
I’m sorry to hear about the difficult situation you and your family are going through. As for your friendship, there are a few things to consider:
– A true friend would have supported you during this traumatic time, not disappeared for months. Her absence shows her priorities.
– It’s understandable to want to hang out for fun, but you can’t rely on her for deeper emotional support based on her actions.
– You may start resenting spending time together if underlying doubts and hurt from her lack of support remain unaddressed.
– Consider talking to her openly and honestly about how her absence made you feel. See how she responds and if accountable.
– Even good childhood friends can drift apart as priorities change. It’s ok to re-evaluate the friendship.
Ultimately only you can decide if continuing casually hanging out is enough, or if you want/need more from friendships at this stage of life. Don’t feel obligated based on history if core expectations aren’t being reasonably met. Take time to process your feelings before deciding. Your wellbeing is most important right now.
Did she know about the fundraiser? Did you outright ask her why she didn’t come?
I would bring it up to her and decide how to proceed based on her reaction. If she’s apologetic, has valid reasons, and is willing to try to fix it then I would give another chance. However if she dismisses your feelings then I would distance myself.
I had something similar happen and when I brought it up my friend was extremely defensive. She refused to acknowledge that it hurt my feelings or maybe she could’ve made some effort to come visit me in the hospital or at home or anywhere. I kept being her friend and ended up regretting it as I heard later she was saying horrible things behind my back while smiling in my face. I finally got away from her and started to realize how horribly she treated me the whole time and I was somehow ignoring it.
Seeing how your measurement of a friend is how much they do for you, no, give them peace and let them go. They probably are better off without you as a friend anyway. The sooner you learn to depend on yourself and no one else is when you know true freedom and happiness.
Every person’s different in how they handle their own and other people’s tragedies, without talking to her and “communicating” you’ll never know her real reason for not being there during this tough time in your life. I could come up with a dozen reasons and it could even then be something else. To see through social media/IG that she wasn’t doing important that day is a judgment call on your part. Your also talking about raising money, at 22 I’m assuming she’s not in the financial position to help much and maybe she felt bad and took the route of avoiding the situation. There is so much you don’t know that to ghost her would really make you a bad friend to her because your not walking in her shoes.
Just a thought. You are both quite young, and the human brain isn’t done being reconstructed from puberty and growing up. During this stage, quite selfish behavior is common.
It is up to you if you think this relationship is worth keeping. If you think it is worthy, talk to her and tell her how you feel… how you feel about her not showing up, about how you feel she treats the friendship. Take this reaction and then decide how best to proceed.
I have friends that I don’t see for years, but when it counts, I’ve been there. But I am much older than you two.
Good luck
Some people just don’t handle these things well. Not making excuses, but this could be a factor. She’s more of an acquaintance at this point.
It’s an unfortunate lesson that most people are willing to stick with you during the good times, but bail on you when you start going through tough times. I had a friend once tell me straight to my face after going through a tough time that she didn’t want to be around me during what i was going through because she liked the happy go lucky me, but since my life was crumbling around me i wasn’t as much fun and wanted nothing to do with me. I really could have used her support but ended up going through it alone. People think they have great friendships when times are good, but it’s those that stand by you during hard times that show how strong your bonds really are and people show their true colors.
This person has shown she does not have your back no matter what. This doesn’t necessarily make her a bad person, but perhaps your bond with her isn’t as strong as you thought. There’s nothing wrong with continuing your friendship, just know you can’t count on her during the bad times. She’s shown you should have low expectations of her.
You need to ask her what happened. You will never know for sure if she is just not a good friend or she had some personal reason for ignoring you. I know people who have a difficult time dealing with medical issues and she might have stayed away because of that. But even with a reason like that there is little excuse to not give you support during that time.
I am very sorry to hear that you and yours have been through so much. I am sure that there are better answers than mine here. But this might help, or at least explain.
Some people just don’t do support well. I won’t even say that she’s young. There are people you can turn to in lots of situations. But this could be her limitation. She doesn’t know what to say or how to behave.
As well, people get older and change, not always for the better.
It is hard to simply accept that this is the way it is. As you get older, and meet new people, they will step in.
Your friend is a fair weather friend. They have their places in our lives, but don’t rely on them for anything important.
Idk if it’s just me but I dont get it. If I wasn’t asked to be somewhere, I prolly won’t be there. Even if something like this happened to my closest friends, I wouldn’t be there unless I was invited (especially if I’m not living nearby). I’m just tryna think about it from her perspective and I think i would’ve done the same and I wouldn’t expect my friend to end our friendship cause of that???
I understand where you’re coming from, and I’m sorry you had to go through a difficult situation.
We don’t know what’s going on in her head and if she’s really your friend I’m pretty sure her not showing up enough might not have anything to do with you, maybe it wasn’t personal, or maybe she just really doesnt know how to handle situations like this.
burning bridges won’t help with anything, it will only stop your friendship from having another opportunity to be there for each other in the future. If she’s not a toxic friend and you really do value her, maybe it’s worth giving her a chance.
Different people have different roles in our lives. She may not be the friend you need for emotional support any more — are you able to continue a friendship with her with that in mind?
Keep in mind, this is an expectation you have imposed on her. Yes, it is a societal expectation as well, but… those are usually trash. Some people just are not good at being supportive. We need to be okay with letting people be who they are.
It doesn’t sound like she has done anything terrible besides failing to meet your expectations of her. If you cannot change those expectations, then you should move on to prevent further disappointment.
One absolute I’ve learned in life, “people only make time for what they want.”
In 2020 my mom had COVID and was a really hard time because she end up in the ICU for weeks, and one from my best friends text me because she was worried about a friend in commum, and I say to her that I really appreciate this friend, but it was a bad time for me to worry about other person’s because of my own problem. She ignore me for weeks, and I broke our friendship, she tries to apologize, but it late for it, because of the way she act when I told her about my mom make me go through a hard time without anyone because I was afraid to have to deal with anyone else indifference. At the end, a girl that I only know saying hi at church hear about my mom and start to text me everyday to have news about my mom and ask how I was dealing with it, she don’t know me, she don’t have to do this, but she shows more kindness for me over this friend of me that I know for years. This friend show me how people should act with me and it’s my best friend now. You don’t need friends that don’t support you in the hard times.
This whole thing seems more like it was a family matter and you just expected her to be there. It really doesn’t sound like she did anything wrong. Since other people were there you expected her to be there. If you’re coming to reddit instead of talking to her I’m assuming yall aren’t good at communicating anyway. So maybe your feelings weren’t communicated properly.
In my personal experience if your friends don’t have your back when it matters go make friends that will.
One thing I learned in my mid 30s that I wished I learned when I was 14 is not to classify every person you meet your “friend”.
Because, like dating, friendships needs to be tested.
Eating??going out the mall? Eating out? Shopping? Party? Cool. They love hanging out.
You are depressed? Family member died?
They can’t be bothered to be there for you???
Ding 🔔 they are not or ever was your friend. They are an acquaintance that keeps things superficial.
My advice? DONT WASTE YOUR TIME. DONT FEEL ANGRY. DONT FEEL HURT. Take this situation as a lesson with the type of people you meet. DONT LABEL THEM FRIENDS.
And if you want to consider them as a friend, TEST THEM. THATS RIGHT TEST THEM.
TEST HOW QUICK THEY ARE TO BE THERE FOR YOU, TO SUPPORT YOU. IF THERE IS A FAMILY EMERGENCY, SEE HOW QUICK THEY CAN OFFER YOU SUPPORT.
If they pass the test: THEY ARE YOUR FRIEND
If they dont, they were never your friend. Just an acquaintance at best. Meaning someone you know, say Hi to, and see them occasionally in some event you two happen to be invited to.
My apologies to you and your family. It’s my hope this fundraiser was a success 🙌 🙏
First of all, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Second, I’ve been in your shoes before. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer my sophomore year of high school and passed my senior year. My best friend tried to be supportive for awhile, but started becoming more distant after he passed. As we moved apart for school, we became more and more distant. One winter break, we were in the car after a night out drinking, and her other friend, who was supposed to sober drive, got super drunk. I yelled at her and made her pull over, and she ultimately kicked me out of her car, leaving me in 10 degree weather dressed in a tank and mini skirt. My childhood best friend stayed in the car, leaving me. Thankfully one of our other friends got out with me and we shared her jacket while we called and waited for my mom to come save us.
I didn’t talk to my best friend for almost 2 years after that, until eventually, she called one day apologizing. She also explained what she was going through while my dad passed – she’d been depressed and actually even attempted suicide, but never told me because she thought I was going through enough as it was.
I went to visit her a few months later, and we’ve been back to being best friends ever since. I don’t know what I would do without her. She knows me better than anyone, and vice versa. You can’t make new childhood friends. You’ll grow, change, and might even hurt each other along the way, but if you love each other, you’ll find your way back to each other.
Don’t give up yet. Tell her how you feel, and even if you guys take a break in your friendship, don’t be too proud to apologize if you end up missing her. Good luck!
Distance from her. Move on. And when she comes around tell her how you feel in a respectful manner. She’ll prob apologize but just know. And remember she wasn’t there when all she needed to do was at least show up.
I’m sorry it seems and you deserve better
It’s time to grow up. You both have your own lives now. Cutting off a friend because some nonsense uncommunicated expectations is a huge mistake. First you need to evaluate why you have such high expectations of her and if it’s appropriate. Then, you need to speak to her about what you’ve learned in this evaluation. Don’t expect anything from anyone.
OP, I am 50 years old and I would question myself about these kind of situations at your age. They were a conundrum for me at your age as emotions were involved and I would say “but they are such a nice person”. There is that saying “when somebody shows you who they are believe them”. This person is a Disneyland friend, present for the fun but bounces for the tough parts. Your answer is clear, if you ever became a quadriplegic, she would not be present for you. Cut her out, no need to explain yourself or feel guilty. She should feel guilty and ashamed. Those other folks that where there for you during this tough time, be sure to be there for them in their time of need.
Your psychological state over something that happened to someone who isnt you is not your friends concern. Stop the poor me routine and grow up.
Best advice for you imo is to communicate with your friend, and stop thinking everyone can just drop everything at the drop of a hat, also stop assuming nothing is going on with them that’s judgemental and ignorant af, you gotta talk to your friend to find out what’s going on and talk about setting up boundaries.
This sounds like a tough period in your family member’s life. Why are you making it about you?
Talk to her and ask her why she’s been absent in the friendship while you’ve been going through a tough time..
Don’t jump to any conclusions or make your decision until you have talked.
For all you know, she could be going through her own troubles but didn’t tell you since you have enough to deal with right now. There could be reasons, so wait and see if there are..
Things like financial issues could explain her no-show at the fund raiser she might not have had the money to get there, and if she could get there, she might have been embarrassed that she could afford to donate anything.. you don’t know anything yet because you haven’t asked her..
It could just be a case of her being the kind of friend that’s only around for the fun times but doesn’t show up in a crisis and if that’s the case you can stay friends but never rely on her for anything.
At least you know this isn’t a friend to invite to big events like your wedding if you plan on having one
Talk to her about everything you said and her reaction to that would be your answer
you are reading too much and expecting.
Friends support each other because they love each other.
But sometimes, they are inadequate to help, so they do nothing. Reach out to her and talk. You will change your perspective.
It’s not about her being always there for you. It’s about her being there when you need her. Tell her you need her.