my partner and i have been together over 5 years and other than our sex life, things are amazing. the problem is, i am relatively vanilla and he is hypersexual.
it’s to a point i’ve never been able to come across on forums or subreddits.
he wants to be pretty consistently aroused. if he had his way, he would always have some kind of feeling on his genitals (i find him casually playing with/touching his penis pretty regularly), i would sext him every day from work and text him stories and dirty talk via text. he would want me to come home and immediately change into either nothing or lingerie. he wants me to go out and sleep with strangers, or go after work and flirt with others at a bar or something. he is into every. single. fetish. nothing is off the table except blood and poop (not meaning he doesn’t like anal, either, he likes it more than vaginal).
for me, i have always been relatively vanilla. when we first started dating i figured “taboo” and “kinky” meant like, some bdsm stuff and playfulness. i’m okay sleeping with other men and telling him about it, but i really dont care for it—i do it for him.
where we are having difficulty is meeting in the middle. i’m pretty monogamous in my thought processes, and he is not. i have an entirely different view of sex being more of a bonding/intimate time with each other. he is more into degradation and edging to achieve the most intense orgasm every time. i’m fine with helping him edge, but he wants that every day, and it’s eating into my life.
sex is not fun at all for me anymore, and i basically just shut down when the idea or topic comes up. i’ve tried letting him sleep with other women but i really can’t deal with it with my mental health. i still an pretty traumatized from that experience.
i’m losing attraction to my partner because when i am attracted sexually or have any sort of sexual feelings i just realize that it’s going to turn into a three hour edging process when i will have to talk about all of his kinks that i’m not into, which entirely turns me off. i now just numbly agree to everything so to not cause an argument. but when i try to bring it up it turns into an argument that i don’t like anything and never want to do anything that he’s into.
i don’t know how to start fresh and start slowly incorporating some kinks without totally giving up all of my sexuality just to get him off. i don’t know how to say no at this point to the really intense kinks. i.e. he told me today that he wants to “play with my ass” tonight, meaning that he wants to use toys anally to “stretch it out,” which is something i won’t only not find pleasurable, but will be straight up painful and miserable for me. at this point, when i tell him i don’t want to do that because i don’t like it, he responds with,” well you don’t like anything at all.” which at this point is almost true because i’m just getting the ick for lack of a better term towards sex as a whole because his kinks are so intense, and regardless of how kinky i get with him, it’s not enough to satusfy him, and he will finish a “session” with me and then want sec again or have to go and jerk off again. his refraction time is literally like 1 minute, which i wish was an exaggeration.
is everything doomed? i’ve tried to tell him he has a problem, whether it’s a porn addiction or his hypersexuality, but he doesn’t think so, says he likes how horny he is, and refuses to even begin to explore getting help.
i am at my breaking point just sad because we have a GREAT relationship outside of our sex and i don’t want to lose that just because i’m not as horny as he is. is it me? am i being unreasonable with my boundaries? can i learn to enjoy his kinks and the things i find physically uncomfortable?
37 comments
He thinks porn is real life, you need to move on.
He wants porn irl 24/7 which is unreasonable for most people.
This will be a major problem moving forward and unless one of you makes a drastic (unforced) change, it’s not gonna get better. In fact it may get worse, more heartbreak, more pent up feelings, etc.
Its hard, but I think you two need to sit down and discuss how your future looks with this difference. It may not have a good ending, but it will be very beneficial to both of your futures.
Edit: Also it’s not your fault. It’s not his fault. Your just different, that’s okay.
This sounds like a fucking nightmare, tbh. Your boundaries seem to have no meaning to him.
Not really sure how you could have a relationship under these circumstances.
Even with consenting couples, no means NO!
Maybe you two should see counseling or get some kind of outside help.
My theory is that you’re so giving towards his sexual desires that he ends just up wanting more and more and like you said is never satisfied, like an addict. Perhaps if he went a week without cumming, whether by you or himself, he’d be less horny.
It’s not fair for him to be so demanding of you, and it sounds like you’ve been more than generous in what you’ve given him. Best of luck.
You two are sexually incompatible.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You need to be with someone more on your wavelength, same with him.
Sometimes, we just don’t fit together right as people.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable!! I think he’s being the unreasonable one. If I were in your shoes, I would probably be one conversation with him away from deciding that it’s a dealbreaker of an incompatibility, and in that conversation I would talk about the kind of sex that is my favorite and also take sex that is a turn off or worse yet actively miserable for me 100% off the table, and I would expect that he support me in that. The fact that he pouts and says “well you don’t like anything” over a normal boundary when you are going SO FAR beyond your own preferences for this man is the worst part of your post to me.
>he told me today that he wants to “play with my ass” tonight, meaning that he wants to use toys anally to “stretch it out,” which is something i won’t only not find pleasurable, but will be straight up painful and miserable for me. at this point, when i tell him i don’t want to do that because i don’t like it, he responds with,” well you don’t like anything at all.”
This is not okay at all. You need to end things.
How old are you? Get those hormones checked!
Sexual compatability is vital for a healthy relationship, especially one where the more eager party is coercing the other into sex acts they dislike!
Honestly not sure how the rlship can be great outside sex, lack of respect in one usually means lack of respect in other areas, but even if it’s absolutely amazing, no rlship can work with a toxic sexual dynamic.
You need to let it go.
just reading this put me into such a depressed mental state, I don’t know how you cope with it 24/7. I have to ask: how are you able to have a great relationship outside of sex when it seems pretty clear that your entire relationship IS sex, or about it? not to be harsh, but this man sounds awful. you deserve better than to be treated like a sex doll by an inconsiderate and manipulative manbaby who has no desire to change or care about you.
This bums me out because you say you have found a man that is just right for you in so many ways except sex. But that is also his driving force in the relationship, or in your eyes at least. To me this is what will kill your relationship, and you may need to tell him sooner or later. It’s hard to get someone to calm down with their sexual habits. Addiction is a bitch, and he seems to fit that sexual addiction category. Did I understand you right that he wants you to have sex with guys and then tell you about it? How far down this road are you willing to let him drag you?
To be blunt your relationship is a sinking ship, sorry but I’ve been around and I know how this scenario plays out jump ship before kids come on board.
Your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you to consent to a sexual act that causes you physical pain and he doesn’t care. You deserve much better.
Yes, you are sexually incompatible.
No, he does not have a problem and neither do you. You’re just on different ends of the sexuality spectrum.
Sex is a critical pillar of the vast majority of romantic relationships. You relationship may be great outside of it, but a car with 3 perfect wheels is not a good car overall.
He def sounds like he has a sexual addiction problem…and major issues with boundaries. Look into sex addiction information. Show him. Seek counseling together so someone else can tell him it’s not ok to treat your partner this way…if he won’t go…there is your answer.
You ask “is everything doomed”. Neither of you are doomed. Both of you would likely be happier with more sexually compatible partners.
You need to have a serious conversation with him about sex and lay out how all of this is making you feel. You need to set boundaries and keep to them. Maybe even let him read this post and the comments – that would be an eye opener as well. Because how he’s acting is not….normal. His sexual needs seem extremely excessive to the point where it’s already detrimental to you. I can’t believe that it’s not detrimental to him in some way either – being that focused on his penis all the time. You said a couple times that you have a great relationship outside of sex…..but I’m having a struggle envisioning any kind of great relationship when it seems like he really just wants to have some form of sex all the time. Sex should augment the relationship – not be the relationship.
I’m extremely concerned about the fact that any time you try to talk to him about this he immediately tries to guilt you back into it with ‘you don’t like anything’. A true partner would listen and take your words to heart – work on compromises. He jumps right to dismissing your feelings and then trying to turn the blame to you for what you don’t like.
Honestly I don’t see you too working out. He’s already shown you that he doesn’t care about what you feel; he doesn’t care about you. He cares about what you’ll do for him and his penis.
This is horrendous, he’s disgusting, you need to leave him immediately, he couldn’t care less about you.
Y’all always say “dump them” is bad advice here but what other alternatives do you have when it comes to this? It’s been 5 years and you admit that you’re traumatized, mentally unhealthy, and losing attraction to him and you’re constantly arguing. I get there’s other aspects about people that make them worth fighting for but your relationship sounds like a nightmare no offense.
For my own sake, I’m genuinely wondering what more do people need to end a relationship? I’ve been told I’m selfish for putting myself first for a whole lot less and now I’m realizing that I just might be.
Doesn’t sound like you are enjoying yourself in the sex, dosen’t sound like there is much outside of sex iny your relationship at all. Doesn’t sound like he is good at reading you nor are you good at expressing yourself in the relationship…so what’s in it for you?
If you don’t do anything to change things things will just get worse. So what will you do about it?
He is trying to make you feel guilty and coerce you into things you don’t want to do, be careful that’s abusive. He needs to respect your boundaries, and he isn’t, he’s making you feel awful for not wanting to do it all, and making you feel boring when you’re not. You don’t have to like the same things and pressuring you and putting you down for it isn’t ok . If not you’re better off without him and being comfortable snd not dreading every night
Some advice since I’m in/been in a similar situation.
You’re sexually incompatible. You both need to recognise it.
Address this “sex is not fun at all for me anymore”.
You have an issue with him being non-monogamous.
You have different levels of sex-drive. This will likely be an issue for your entire lives.
You both deserve to have an enjoyable sex-lives…with each other or with other people. In this relationship or if you decide to move on and have a new relationship with someone..
“sex is not fun at all for me anymore, and i basically just shut down when the idea or topic comes up. i’ve tried letting him sleep with other women but i really can’t deal with it with my mental health. i still an pretty traumatized from that experience.”
That part right there tells you all you need to know. You basically cater to his sexual needs any way that makes him feel good, but it makes you miserable. It’s even hurting your mental health. It sounds like you two are on opposite sides of the sex spectrum. Unfortunately, sex is a big part of any relationship. It sounds like a deal breaker to me, but you have to be the one to figure that out. Sex is supposed to be a pleasurable experience and it sounds like he is making it painful for you most of the time.
I’m honestly shocked that y’all have made it this far
There was another post about a woman doing exactly this to her partner recently.
You guys should swap.
Also the comments are much more reasonable when it’s a woman being forced to edge her partner for 3 hours which is insanely excessive as everyone is saying but in the other post most were saying he shouldn’t have a problem with it.
Funny.
Why did it take you 5 years to realize this?
>we have a GREAT relationship outside of our sex
If someone is doing things that cause emotional and physical distress to their partner – even if just aspect – it is not a great relationship.
Dont go along with this and either talk to a very good friend or try a therapist.
I dont know why people don’t think sexual compatibility matters.
Y’all are not even close to being compatible.
Move on.
Yeah move on
Everything up to “going out with strangers, etc”, I really see not much incompatibility. He’s crossing a potentially dangerous line, trying to get you to flirt with or have sex with strangers. There’s got to be a personality disorder fir that behavior.
Yeah this sounds like a bad relationship.
He’s clearly extremely sexually frustrated and you’re being emotionally torn up.
This problem dosnt have a clear solution and this relationship should end
I think the only unreasonable part is you staying in a relationship where you’re telling him that something is painful for you and him trying to guilt you into doing it anyway. I know it’s harsh but you should get out. If you’re doing it just as a chore, it can’t be what he wants either, right?
How a person handles a no says a lot about their character. Don’t date guys who can’t take no for an answer.
This has nothing to do with her story and I’m definitely not defending him at all because I think he sounds absolutely terrible, but she says “[she] finds him casually playing with/touching his penis pretty regularly.” Now, I feel like I do this a lot when I’m alone but not in a “masturbation” kind of way or even for arousal. The only way I can describe it is as comfort thing? I have ADHD and play with my beard a lot too and it seems pretty interchangeable. Do other guys do this or am I just weird?
There are monogamous/poly dynamics but truth is if this is not making you happy long term then this relationship is not for you. It’s a hard truth but sometimes we can care and love someone and it will not be right. In the end your happiness and your desires are valid and deserve space.