this may sound like some bs from r/ihavesex and also suspicious cause this is a throwaway, but it’s really frustrating since she told me she would only consider being intimate with me once a month.
early in our relationship, we would have sex maybe once every few days, which was great for me. there was even an instance where she initiated sex when I was really busy with my final semester of university. but since a few months ago, her libido has taken a massive drop and even told me she doesn’t like having sex, which I hope is false.
some context, she got pretty depressed about living in the country that I live in since her coming here was always a plan b, and she was supposed to go work in Japan. but since covid happened, the borders were shut when she graduated and moved to where I live instead. we met, and ended up being great partners. so I never pestered her about sex since that’s not the only thing of value in our relationship.
recently, after a really nice date and a surprise gift that she really loved, we had a conversation about our lack of sexual intimacy and she revealed to me that she doesn’t really enjoy sex since she’s often tired, and sex makes her feel even more so. surprisingly, she initiated later on, which became one of the best nights I’ve ever had.
not to get into any details, but I always ensure that she climaxes orally before we get into any penetration, which I believe is what happened based on her moaning, her muscles twitching and clenching. she gave all the signals which seemed to indicate that she really did enjoy our intimate session, but after I climaxed and we washed up, she told me not to expect this to be a regular thing, which has made me confused.
has anyone else had such an experience? how do I approach this situation? how do I convince her to make love with me more??????????????????????????????
also side note, does anyone have issues with their tongue frenelum sorta stretching and tearing around the area where the webbing connects to the tongue after cunnilingus?
15 comments
If this is not something temporary that she has communicated she is willing to work on to change, then you two have become incompatible. I’m sorry that most responses are break up, but seriously, you will be far, far happier in life if you spend it with someone that wants to have sex with you as much as you want to have sex with them. It really is that simple.
While it’s normal for sex drive to wax and wane with a partner over time, when a partner says they don’t want sex more than x and that’s not compatible with the wants and needs of the other partner, that couple is in trouble. Different sex drives don’t work in the long run. You can bring up options: counseling, sex therapy, talking to her doctor or GYN about hormone replacement or other possible solutions. If she’s unwilling to explore those or if those explorations don’t move toward a solution, you relationship may not have a future.
You can outsource activity partners, you can outsource friendship, you can have an outside confidante and most partners won’t have a problem with it. However, very few partners are ok with outsourcing sexual needs. If she is, then another solution is on the table, but that’s usually not the case.
For some women, its once a month tied to their menstaul cycle and the right balance of hormones. At that time they are more likely to get wet enough, orgasm and enjoy it.
>how do I convince her to make love with me more
There is no special formula, spell, herb, or magic words to make a woman want to have sex with you if she does not want to. Evidently, she does not want to with you but once month.
There’s rarely any kind of easy solution to dealing with a relationship in which one person wants more sex than the other.
You have two sets of questions in front of you, both as a couple, but also for you, individually.
Couple questions:
* **How important is sex to each of you?** Some people are totally happy being in a low-sex relationship because they’re still fulfilled despite the low amount of sex. Other people can’t find fulfillment in a relationship if sex is relatively low/absent. Where do you fall? Where does your partner?
* **How much work is each of you willing to put in to ensure that sexual intimacy is an important part of your relationship?** “Work” can mean being consciously mindful of creating time/space for intimacy. If one or both of your sex drives is being impacted by physical/medical issues, are either of you willing to look into interventions for those?
* **What would help each of you be more sexually open/available to the other?** In other words, what barriers (brakes) to sex can be removed? What turn-ons (accelerators) to sex can be introduced?
There’s a bunch of books that folks can read that might be helpful in dealing with the above questions. Here’s a few I’d recommend:
* Emily Nagoski: [Come As You Are](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314). A very useful book for understanding the nature of how desire works.
* Melody Parker: [The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual](https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ). Parker is a psychologist who drew a lot on Reddit users as part of her research.
* Lauren Mersey and Jennifer Vencill: [Desire](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/723719/desire-by-jennifer-a-vencill/). This is brand new and probably has overlap with the previous two books but I’ve heard [interviews with the authors](https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/15fsnnp/psa_couple_of_podcast_episodes_and_new_book_about/) and they definitely tackle the issue of sexual mismatches in relationships.
***
These are the key questions for you, individually:
* **If nothing changes, can you still embrace being in the relationship?** And by “embrace” I mean: you minimize your frustration, you remove resentment. It’s not just about tolerating things, it’s about accepting “this relationship is so amazing, I’m willing to give up the kind of sex life I want in order to stay with my partner.”
* If you can’t embrace things as they are, **what’s the timeline you’re willing to give yourself** before you’re ready to either ask to radically change the relationship (by opening it up) or leaving? Leaving a relationship because you’re not getting your needs met is 100% legitimate; don’t let alone suggest otherwise. If a long-term monogamous relationship doesn’t provide sexual fulfillment to both people, *then it’s a failing relationship*.
Just because she liked having the sex she was having, doesn’t mean she really looks forward to having sex, or anticipates it.. unfortunately. She’s not a fan of sex for whatever reason so now you’ll have to decide if once a month is okay with you or if you should go your separate ways.
She has flat out told you she doesn’t want to be doing it more often. She could still very well be okay with that once a month. You apparently aren’t. It’s time to start thinking about the future.
> told me she doesn’t like having sex, which I hope is false
Why would you hope that your partner is lying to you?
> she revealed to me that she doesn’t really enjoy sex
When your partner tells you how they feel, believe them.
> she told me not to expect this to be a regular thing, which has made me confused
What’s there to be confused about? She already told you that she doesn’t especially enjoy sex. That’s why you you shouldn’t expect it to be a regular thing.
> how do I convince her to make love with me more?
You can’t change someone’s baseline libido.
Sorry dude you should cut your losses and move on. Don’t be surprised if she’s suddenly full of energy and up for it when you truly do t care and could take or leave the relationship
Next, she’ll ghost you. Time to hit the dating apps
Bi woman checking in.
I’ll start with the simpler issue-the frenulum tearing. If you aren’t someone who has a tongue tie, then it’s most likely a technique problem. Lightly cover your front teeth with your upper lip, rest your tongue against it, and move your head. It creates a kind of splint for your tongue. You can still do different things with your tongue, but all the strain isn’t solely on that connective tissue. You can also incorporate gentle sucking and digital penetration/g-spot stroking/toys to help you out depending on what your partner likes. Just remember that consistency in pattern (i.e. circles) is usually preferable for most women compared to random jerky motions.
As for the rest of it, a woman moaning or clenching doesn’t inherently mean she’s coming. Most women do those things at various stages of arousal, and, more pessimistically, most know how to fake those things as well. It comes down to honest communication and believing what she tells you.
If what she’s telling you is that she doesn’t like sex, then I’d be more inclined to believe that…the question becomes whether it’s just because she’s depressed/has an underlying health condition that makes the exertion challenging, or she isn’t getting enough out of it to make it worth the effort.
At this point, if this is going to be salvageable, you will need to find things that make the experience of sex and the intimacy it provides mutually worthwhile. That will require a partner who is willing to experiment and try new things with you/get medical help if it’s something else. On your end, you’ll need to brace for the possibility that she doesn’t actually enjoy the sex you’re having and isn’t actually orgasming from it. If that’s the case, then is this still something you want to salvage?
I would personally try to see if she is open to intimacy sessions where the focus is on her and her showing you what she likes, how she likes it. You could even just go fully back to the basics and offer her a nice massage after a hard day where there is absolutely no overtly sexual interaction.
If she’s not interested in communicating and working on bolstering that part of your relationship, you’ll have to decide if the status quo is good enough for you.
Sorry, I have to say break up..
if being interment is only on her when now…
You are not married and young in life.
Just wait until you get married.
you will have sex on your wedding night. Then only to have a child. You have one kid. no sex for years until she wants another one. Once she is done with having kids sex is done.
Move on to a better life
I also have a low libido and find that while sex is fun, I find the whole thing incredibly draining emotionally and physically. I feel tired after and that’s the end of my day, and then next day, I can be hungover with tired sometimes as well. I’m always sore after and generally into the next day.
Also the thought of my boobs being touched and then my body becoming aroused can feel wearing to me. Why do I have to feel like that when I’m happy with where I’m at now? I get overstimulated just from life, and thinking about adding another stimulus is exhausting.
I can’t speak to your partners feelings but it’s possible she feels like me. I hope this adds some insight. I do want to want sex more. I love my husband and like pleasing him and experimenting with him but I have to have enough spoons to take it on. I was up front about it all when we started dating and his libido is high. We have found a balance and I would never stop him from self pleasure. I trust him completely and know he isn’t cheating on me.
At the end of the day though, I would recommend asking her more questions to see if it could be a medical issue and to understand where she is coming from. Gather information and then decide if you are happy with staying with this person. Be kind and gentle in this whole process and you will make the right decision for you.
You spelled x girlfriend wrong
You dont convince her to want more sex. That’s not how it works. You break up and date someone who actually likes sex. Or you accept this dead bedroom for the next 30 years.
I lasted 20 years before I finally woke up.
I dont recommend waiting that long. It’s quite the waste of time
She’s not sexually attracted to you.
Once a month her menstrual cycle amps her hormones up so high she’d fuck anyone.
Depression can affect sex drive and there may also be some emotional resentment tie dup in it too. Many things were out of her control and this may be the one thing that she can control. I would see about meeting with a sex therapist or intimacy coach about this struggle and encourage her to also seek therapy for depression. Also there is a discussion to be had on maybe having intimacy without penetration?