As a man i try to be really self aware and I know there are a lot of stereotypes about men only caring about their own pleasure. Ever since I first started having sex, I have made it a point to focus a lot of my partners pleasure which I feel has made me into a generous lover, but in doing that I’ve never really learned how to ask for what I want.
My wife and I have a decent sex life, I mostly say decent because of what I explain above. When we have sex she often only cums from me eating her out which I enjoy doing since it gets her there. I’d say maybe 1/3 times she’ll blow me while I play with her or just as reciprocation, she doesn’t shy away from it. The only thing is that it’s the same every time. It’s the same motion, the same comment about how her jaw is starting to hurt (which is really her way of saying she wants to be fucked and wants to stop giving me head). I’ve never came from a blowjob, except for one time and it wasn’t with her.
How do I ask for more head more often? How do you tell someone after 7 years together that you want them to learn how to do it better?
She finds it gross in porn when women give sloppy head but I find it attractive and I wish she would experiment more with it.
I’ve been a giver for so long I don’t know how to ask. I want things like road head (she’s done it before) or just random initiations, for her to want to do it just because and not expect mind blowing sex in return every time.
I guess I want to learn how to be more assertive in what I want but I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t want to tell her to watch porn and learn how to do it, but I don’t really know where else to look to.
19 comments
Talk to her about how good it feels for her to get oral sex from you. Tell her you love it when she gives you a blow job and just wish you could also have an orgasm from oral sex.
Obviously start small, if she doesn’t like sloppy blowjobs don’t be asking for that right off the bat. More or less confront her and communicate you want a blowjob to completion and go from there. Explain to her you want to experience an orgasm from oral sex just like you give her everytime. “Hey babe i love pleasuring you with my mouth and i would like to experience the same thing too”. I mean if she is not doing it now (sounds like she isn’t into bjs) I don’t think she’s going to start initiating or spontaneously doing it as much as you like. Communicate, start small, direct and guide her to what feels good but never force or coerce.
I’m in the same boat, but less BJs in number. Never came, I don’t get any explanation for stoppage either.
I like to think of myself as a pleaser (I guess a lot of ppl do, idk if I honor my self assessment). It’s common, I’d look at it this way: she doesn’t like doing it, and her jaw hurts, that’s a real thing. 1/3 is often in my book, you need to grade her on a curve.
You can ask for more, that’s ok, but inure yourself to the resentment that seems to be bubbling in you. Just accept them and their capabilities.
A weekend getaway to a nice, romantic hotel away from the daily stressors of life, especially if you have kiddos or high stress jobs… a little wine, maybe some sushi — makes me especially horny and down to do more. Stuff like anal, swallowing, etc is much more likely.
Hey man, blowjobs actually do hurt your jaw. Don’t be dismissive of it! (Sometimes it takes me only minute to feel it… which sucks for my boyfriend and I). Lol
I personally think the first step is just broaching the subject with sincerity! Tell her how amazing she looks, you absolutely love it when she does it, and how you’d love to see her do so more often. My boyfriend wasn’t a huge fan of my subpar technique and told me a similar thing. Basically said “I love when you do it, it’s super hot, but do you mind if you try doing more of this?” Don’t frame it as a tit-for-tat. I’m sure you aren’t, but often when this comes up we as humans accidentally make the mistake of “Well I do XYZ so I want ZYX back!” Obviously I doubt that’s what you want, LOL.
Offer to maybe engage in a bit of guidance, in a sexual situation or not. If you aren’t great at blowjobs (like I was for a LONG time) it is hard to get better if you aren’t told what to do. No one is born knowing how to be amazing! Don’t just say “I want better/more”. She might not know you need your balls pulled slightly to the left when she’s licking your tip bro. BUT you know that. LOL. You need to have concrete things you want. Clarity is much easier to implement.
All you can do is tell her what you want.
Sounds like she doesn’t enjoy it so I doubt it’s gonna matter.
My friend, I think your wife just doesn’t enjoy it. If it’s been 7 years and she’s never challenged herself to make you cum or did it out of the intrinsic pleasure it would give her to give you pleasure, it’s not her thing.
I’d say while she doing it just tell her how amazing it feels and shes better than the pros. After sex and you have pillow talk just praise her on how good she was with her mouth. Make her laugh and have fun with it. The next day tell her you had a dream about her giving you head and you woke up dripping from the tip. Tell her you want to 69 and when you get to just stop for a minute or two and hump her face and tell her how amazing she is and then eat that pussy like it was your last meal on death row. Always compliment and tell her how fantastic she is.
My husband said “can I get more blowjobs?” And I said “yeah”. Sometimes it is just that easy.
Tell her she doesn’t have to get sloppy. Just because you find it attractive doesn’t mean it’s the only way she can do it.
If you want her to initiate but she’s shy plan it. My husband and I have video game and cock worship/blowjob night Tuesdays and Thursdays! I give him while he plays video games.
Sometimes we make it a game and if he can keep fighting the boss he’s fighting while I kick it into high gear he can cum but if he dies he can’t (he always does it is just part of the game). Lol
You do it just like you did here. And you can explain that life isn’t like porn and you have no expectation or desire for her to be messy like they are. Open and honest communication is important. It’s something you’d like more, something you enjoy, nothing wrong asking a partner for that and to ask to help her learn all the little things about it that really get you going.
I have tmj problems and have to sleep with a mouth guard at night or I’m in so muth pain the next it hurts to chew soft food. I can not have a deck in my mouth for more then a minute maybe two or the pain in jaw is horrible so maybe she is actually in pain. Plus sounds like she doesn’t like blow jobs and you may just have to live with it. That being said an adult conversation is your best bet.
If you aren’t already making sounds during bjs (and sex in general), start now! Never underestimate the power of audible stimuli during sex! Next time she goes down on you, give her some verbal cues/feedback during the act (mmm baby just like that, yeah you know how daddy likes it, oooOoOoh I love it when you suck my cock, or any other phrases which she might find sexy) These things could add an extra oomf to the experience from her perspective, and might help her naturally be more into it, and over time will enjoy it more and more. It might even inspire her to become even better at it! A lot of men don’t make sounds during sex because they are self-conscious about how they would sound. I am a guy, and I can tell you that the quality of my sex life has skyrocketed ever since I’ve let go of those insecurities and started allowing myself to make sounds during sex. You may feel self-conscious about how you sound, but trust me, she will think it is HOT! That said, you should absolutely have an open discussion with her and communicate how important this experience is to you. However, if she’s just not into it, she’s just not into it 🤷🏻♂️
Make oral sex an expression of love. Tell her you love her while you’re eating her, while you’re fingering her. And while she’s eating you.
If she comes to see a bj as a way to tell you that she loves you, maybe she’ll feel more comfortable eating you. And even if it doesn’t work, it’s a lovely way to enhance your love life (double entendre intended).
As a woman, I am very motivated by turning on my partner. I thought sloppy was too unladylike. When I noticed my partner responding WAY more when I was sloppy or a little more adventurous, that was enough positive reinforcement to me to feel more “I am such a sex goddess! Look how much I turn him on!” And much less “I am so gross he’s probably so grossed out”. Moan, talk to her, tell her how fucking hot it is when she does more of what you like. If you want more oral say “nothing feels as good as your perfect mouth on my cock”.
” How do you tell someone after 7 years together that you want them to learn how to do it better?”
“She finds it gross in porn when women give sloppy head but I find it attractive and I wish she would experiment more with it.”
In all honesty the best time to have addressed it would have been during the “infatuation phase” of your dating courtship. People tend to bend over backwards to please a “new lover” and are much more open to trying new things because they don’t want to risk blowing it.
Early on is truly the best time to pull out all of the kinks and fantasies one has.
Once there is an emotional investment, commitment, or established long-term relationship the word “no” rolls of the tongue very easily without the fear of losing you to one’s competition.
(Is the issue really *your inability to ask* for what you want or are you afraid *she will say no*?)
From her point of view, *she didn’t have to* give you sloppy blow jobs and make you cum in her mouth to get you to fall in love, propose, and marry her. Why would she need to *change* now?
Very few people would be willing to throw away a 7-year marriage over lack of *good* blow jobs.
Nevertheless, you are entitled to have your own “deal breakers”.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
Some men resort to cheating or hiring sex workers but that is both very risky and immoral.
Others use their imaginations and fantasize maybe while doing it doggy style or in a spooning position while lying on your sides and you thrusting her from behind. Close your eyes…etc.
***”Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you lost.”*** – Unknown
Best wishes!
I wouldn’t ask her to learn how to do it better I’d tell her you enjoy them and they are a turn on and you would like them more, and then point out what’s good while she’s doing it x
Talk to your partner. It is as simple as that. Ask for what you need and want.
Positive reinforcement! When she does it, tell her how good it feels when she does a certain move you like. Want to try to get some sloppy in there? Tell her to spit on it. If she’s anything like myself, verbal cues solidify what we are doing right. Don’t be afraid to vocalize while she does her duties 🕺 it’s more encouraging than you may believe.
Wow you sound exactly like me and my situation! I need to learn these secrets too