I’m [24F] an oddly shaped human at 6’1 and 130lbs. Clothing sizes are weird for me due to this. I ordered two gorgeous sweaters in their L/XL sizing to be oversized. But upon receiving them, they were not in the “comfy oversized” range and just “definitely not your size” range.
I offered them to my roommate saying they were too big for me. She tried them on and quickly handed them back saying something like “yeah no too big for me too” despite them looking really great on her.
I must have forgotten that weight can be a source of pain and insecurity for people and didn’t even smooth over the fact that I was offering them as she was “bigger” than me.
I really think she’s beautiful and her figure is to die for. I don’t actively think about her weight and really only thought the sweaters would compliment her figure, which they really did.
I still think about this interaction from time to time. Moreso after her best friend made a complaint about someone else offering “XL clothing” in a seemingly condescending way. *(Edit: this part was not about me, unrelated but similar situation)*
Would bringing this up to apologize and reassure her that she’s beautiful be in the territory of “apologizing to alleviate guilt” and just be more mindful going forward? Or would it help relieve potential resentment?
She’s one of the kindest people I know and hate the thought of adding to her troubles.
35 comments
move on, don’t make a big deal of this and maybe plan something nice to give them or include them on so that you can both think about something else
I would let it go. As humans we all occasionally say things that may hurt peoples feelings even when we don’t intend to. Unless it was something blatantly rude, i would not bring it up again. If she has a serious issue with you about it, she should come to you and communicate that.
There’s also a chance she didn’t think anything of the interaction or maybe was slightly bothered but got over it.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. If it feels natural, throw in a compliment about how she looks great sometime soon.
Well if you apologize it would much weirder 🥴, but what you can do is to show that you are sorry in a way that she feels it (without really saying it), idk how to explain it in a text tho
Apologize for offering her clothes that didn’t fit you that might fit her? What? You did nothing insensitive or offensive, just offered a friend clothes that might fit her better than they fit you. Thats a nice thing to do. If she doesn’t want them that’s fine but there’s nothing for you to apologize for. You literally did not wrong her in anyway whatsoever.
To keep this from happening in the future, you can refrain from talking about size and shift towards fit or other aspects. For example, “Hey would you wear this sweater? I don’t like the way it fits [or the material, color, etc], but thought it would look good on you.”
Don’t worry about it! People come in all shapes and sizes, and it’s nothing to take too seriously.
People who are bigger, carry a bit more weight, are what society consider fat, actually are fat etc generally have heard a lot of negativity from society. So when you make an innocent, well-intentioned comment, it can bring up negativity associated with others’ treatment of her.
It’s possible the last thing she wants to do is discuss her weight in any way with someone tall and thin so I would advocate against reopening the wound by making an apology; it would likely make you feel better but there’s a good chance it would make her feel worse.
Your heart was in the right place with the offer, with your thought to apologize and is in the right place with this post.
Let some time pass and shine some body positivity on to her in ways that are authentic.. ie I wouldn’t say “you look so thin” but “you look incredible” .. and in other ways that are about other features and positive traits, both physical and otherwise.
You can also show her your feelings by complimenting other women who have similar bodies to her so she can understand that bodies like hers are beautiful.
We bigger folk have caught a lot of shit and no pun intended tend to carry baggage from it. On a positive note, that fact endears people who are nice about our bodies to us pretty strongly.
Just my two cents.
I literally have tops ranging from M-2XL in my closet because no two manufacturers make sizes the same! I had to retain myself to be confident that the tag doesn’t have anything to do with the way the clothes fit.
The worst person here is her friend who made that passive aggressive comment. SO rude
Did you offend her? She say anything? By your words, i cant tell. You might be trippin.
Ah yes. It always bothers me when someone offers me clothes because they are too big for them. I’m
Sure you didn’t mean anything by it. Sometimes when people have said it to me it bothered me because they kept saying multiple times they are waaaay too
Big on me. If it happened awhile ago I wouldn’t even bring it up at this point, it might make her feel uncomfortable all over again.
I wouldn’t aggravate things by bringing it up. But, maybe wait a while and offer her a genuine compliment about her appearance/how she looks in a certain outfit etc. At a random time so it doesn’t seem related to this incident.
I’ve had people offering me clothes that were too big or too small for them and I’ve never ever had a thought that they were rude to me. I feel like you’re overthinking this situation since you were not rude to her and did not cross her boundaries in any way.
I honestly don’t get what the issue is? I’m skinny and my sister is bigger than me and when I order something and it comes out too big I always ask her “I bought this but it’s too big on me, would this fit you?” Either she tries it on or can tell by looking at it. And my sisters do the same for me when they buy clothes that are too small.
Clothing sizes are wonky anyway, there is no guarantee that a size is what it says it is. Plus they’re relative, an oversized fit xs shirt can be identical to a regular fit large shirt.
It’s not like you got a comically large sweater and offered it to her as a joke, it was a sincere interaction and didn’t sound condescending. And it didn’t sound like she was offended either, she just tried it on and didn’t like it.
I think bringing it up would make it even more offensive and weird.
It all has to with her being insecure and not anything you personally did! You were being nice by offering the sweater! I’m plus size, and I would not have been offended by that in the slightest! I would’ve just been happy with receiving a gift at all! The body positivity community wants people to feel offended by things like this, but isn’t that the opposite of being body positive if you have to be embarrassed or hurt by someone giving you clothes that don’t fit them but might fit you?
While many people are sensitive about size and weight, many people also have no trouble with matter-of-fact things like “this is too big on me, maybe it will fit you” when the other person is obviously, objectively, and undeniably bigger. So it’s not a given she’s even hurt about it, unless you have more reason to think so.
Maybe it’s not about you but about the sweaters. Personally (60M 30-31BMI), when clothes get tight I think about losing weight instead of buying larger clothes.
Maybe she doesn’t want to commit to that size anymore and has weight loss on her mind. Like she knows she won’t shrink from that size soon.
Just a thought.
Still I wouldn’t bring it back up
I would apologize 🙂 Not because you really did something wrong, cause you did not really do, but just because it would be nice. If you feel like it did something with her and might have upset her, be her friend and try to make her feel better I would say. Just be open and tell her you feel like it might have upset her and you just wanna make clear it wasn’t your intention to blabla. Like, why not?
Ohh yeah OP, you didn’t mean it, but ouch. I would be pretty devastated if one of my friends gave me clothes that were too big for them. I mean, even if objectively I was bigger then I still wouldn’t appreciate feeling as if EVERYONE KNEW I was so much bigger than them.
I used to be the same size as a friend (maybe smaller than her) but then gained some weight over Covid. She’s made so many comments that let me know she sees it, and it honestly just kills me. Things like always making sure I sit in the front of the car when there are 3 people in the back. Like, I still fit in a normal car seat! It makes me feel as if she thinks I will be taking up so much more space than everyone else and no one should have to sit next to me. She saw an old photo of me and commented ‘Ohh, skinny WryAnthology!!’
And she’s not wrong, but it hurts. It’s like that flush of shame that what you’ve been trying to conceal has been exposed to everyone and they’re all aware of it and thinking of you as a big person.
You sound lovely and not like you would try to make anyone feel like that. Please don’t bring it up to her – in her shoes that would make me feel so much worse! Like you know I am bigger than you, and are now feeling sorry for me too!!! Ahhhh. No, don’t mention it to her. Just be aware that those of us who may have gained some weight/ aren’t skinny can be sensitive about it. Maybe try to say something complimentary to her at some point – bonus points if it’s about how you wished you could wear something she’s wearing as she has such a sexy figure and always looks so good (or something like that).
I would not bring it up. But i would find a time to throw an off-hand comment about how inconsistent clothing sizes are, and how great she looks, and things like that. Maybe a casual “oh yeah i end up giving clothes away all the time cuz i order online and stuff doesnt fit my weird shape but it ends up looking great on other people” etc
Has the fact that she’s fatter than you / you’re thinner than her ever been acknowledged before? If so then there’s no problem. If it has never been acknowledged, and she has never voluntarily made any sort of indication, then maybe.
With that being said there’s actually a rather weak link between preferred clothing sizes and how fat people are. It’s quite common for example that some girl who’s objectively bigger than me will say “this item of clothing is way too big on me” whereas I’m wearing the same size or larger and I feel like fits perfectly fine on me. Because “fit” is vague and depends heavily on what the person wants the clothing to be like. When they say “it fits” it means it’s close to skin tight, when I say “it fits” it usually means it’s hanging loosely on me. So depending on how you said it you may have implied nothing at all about her size.
At most you’d have implied that she’s not significantly underweight like you are. Most people are not insecure about being told “you are not medically underweight”. But some people are. Even now I have no idea is she actually prominently super fat or is she just in the slimmer end of the normal range or something in between.
But whatever you do don’t just say “I’m sorry that I implied you’re fatter than me”. There’s a good chance she sees absolutely nothing wrong with being fatter than you and you apologizing that way would imply she’s supposed to, that itself would be offensive.
If she is still behaving differently or treating you differently, It might be time to make a gentle and sincere apology to her. If she seems like she’s over it, I would just let it go. You sound like you’re really remorseful as you didn’t think about how this may be offensive. If she’s as kind as you say she is, she will be understanding and forgiving.
There is nothing lost with saying “I’m sorry if my unthinking language hurt your feelings”
The fashion industry, in conjunction with the fashion press have worked very hard over the last hundred or so years to make sure that no woman, no matter how she is shaped, will be satisfied with her body.
Expressing empathy for perhaps triggering that does you no harm.
Maybe she just hated the sweater but tried it on to be nice (?)
You are assuming a lot about the interaction and her feelings.
Don’t apologise but I think the next time she’s wearing something & looking great day something like “That outfit looks great on you.”
You could say f at one thing has been bothering you about something you did and would it be ok to have a conversation about it. You don’t need to reassure her about her weight, because they’ll come across as you judging her weight. Just ask if your offering her the sweaters bothered her. If she says no, you’re done. Stop talking. If she says yes, listen. Tyndall you can see if you stepped on her feelings. Tell her that her feelings are important to you and that you didn’t think about those issues because you don’t see her as a number. She is beautiful. You wanted her to be happy with something you were hoping to love but couldn’t.
It’s important to have uncomfortable conversations with people. We don’t grow our character from being comfortable, we grow from learning from experience. Which necessitates discomfort.
You can do this.
It’s probably best to let this go.
Excess weight is not a “source” of pain. It’s a “result” of being weak and enabled. If you *really* are virtuous, you should do her a favor and offer to help control her diet and exercise routine.
There’s no meaning behind what you’ve done. You’re overthinking this.
She probably didn’t thought about her weight or whatever in that moment.
So, don’t bring it up and let it go.
I would definitely not bring it up again. There is a greater chance of saying something even more offensive by doing that. But I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable about what you said and offered being that she tried the clothes on. I could see why you felt that way and I am sure I’d feel the same as you if I were there for the interaction but it wasn’t intentional and people can get offended at any point in time about stuff we have no clue about. I would just try to refrain from sizing topics going forward. Gently compliment her when she’s done up before going out without overdoing it. Have a good day!
having read a couple of comments, it seems the popular option is to not talk about it. i personally disagree, i think it’s best to be open and honest about this. i think you should talk to her, explain your side of it, and apologize for how your actions may have unintentionally hurt her. if you don’t talk about it, you might both end up stewing over it for a long time, and that could ruin your relationship with her. not talking about it could also work, but if you’re banking on her forgetting about it, i doubt that’ll happen. she seems very sensitive about her body and this seems like the kind of thing someone like that might internalize and think about for a long time. i want to end this comment by saying you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not your fault she was hurt or offended by you offering her clothing. your intentions were good and you couldn’t really have anticipated her reaction. i hope whatever option you choose that it goes well and that the two of you are able to move on from this.
Don’t take her rejection of the sweaters personally. She obviously didn’t like them. Your tastes are not her tastes. She may not have even seen it as a dig at her weight. I would let it go.
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Insecurities can kill any type of relationship. It’s not inherently a you problem. To learn from the experience on wording is the only thing you can do unless you want to bring it up. I have some ideas words I use.
Maybe instead of “too big” say “don’t look right” on you or you “don’t want them and want to offer them out first.”
When I’m in doubt when talking to someone I know isn’t super close with me, I more insert how I feel rather than what I see. Even if it has nothing to do with insecurities. This way, they know my thought process over anything else