So my bf (28) just started a fight with me (27f). He has never been married and doesn’t have children and neither have I. Nevertheless, I want to get married and have children in some years.
But the girl he was dating before me had 2 kids and he accepted them and her as a single mom. I told him that for me, it would be a deal breaker to date someone with kids or who was previously married because I didn’t have that experience and we’re still in our 20s so there’s tons of people without children and who have never been married. He said I was an a****le for not wanting to date someone with kids or divorced and asked me for the reasons why I wouldn’t, I told him that it’s because I would be reminded of him being with another women everytime I saw the children and that I wouldn’t want to care for children who were not mine, the exception being if I’ve already had children, then I would’ve date a single father because it’s not fair to expect someone to be childfree when you have children.
Then he asked me what would be if I would be dating someone who lied about not having kids when in fact he had some, I said it would be a break up for me because of the major lie and that I wouldn’t trust him then and my bf said I was not a good person if I would stop loving a person just because I found out they had kids. So AITA here?
34 comments
Personally I agree with you, I’m also in my 20s and don’t believe I’ve mentally matured enough to take on kids especially if they’re not mine. Not to mention I couldn’t date anyone divorced since I don’t want to deal with their ex spouse, especially if they have kids since then the ex would probably be involved sooner or later it all just seems like a headache. As for the the lie about not having kids question, yeah I’d split off too. I’m an open book I try to lay everything on the table at the start to improve the chances of a healthy relationship, If I had to find out my significant other has kids like 2 months down the road I’d be upset. Why wouldn’t they tell me something so important right away, I understand that single parents have it rough in the dating scene but regardless you have a better chance being honest and finding someone who is willing to put in the effort instead of possibly wasting time with someone by hiding it. It doesn’t make you an a**hole for having preferences for dating it’s the same as how people date solely on looks.
Of course not. It’s a preference just like anything else.
It’s a preference. There’s no right or wrong. He wouldn’t mind, you would. He’s immature for having a problem with your choices.
You call yourself childfree but then say you want to get married and *have kids*, which is it then?
I’m in my late 30s M, and I agree with you. But once you get to my age, the number women who have never been divorced or never had kids lessen. I’m guessing it’s the same with men. So your attitude may change as you get older and see the pool of potential candidates (with your criteria) shrink.
I mean. Same. Tho I don’t want children at all so it’s more of a I wouldn’t date someone with kids because I don’t want to deal with kids. Regardless. You’re entitled to your own deal breakers/ preferences. If everyone was the same we’d all have partners right? You’re absolutely fine. NTA
Definitly NTA. Kids are a huge responsibility and being a step parent isn’t for everyone. It’s okay and normal to have preferences when dating, and I think it’s great you’re being honest with yourself about what you want. It would be more unfair to any potential step kids to say you are ok with dating someone with kids when you’re not.
I actually had similar preferences back in my dating days. I knew I wanted a family of my own but wouldn’t feel comfortable joining an existing one because I would always feel like a little bit of an outsider. You also never know what the dynamics with an ex are going to be like. Ultimately, you’re responsible for your own happiness, and only you know what that looks like so it’s important to do what’s right for you.
Also, lol, a person who lies about having kids to get in a relationship is definitely worth breaking up with.
Uhh Im gonna say he has a kid he lied about or just found out he had one . . The wording of his statements screams that to me
No. I’m 26M child free and have no interest in dating someone with a kid
Not an a**hole at all. I’m 29M with 3 daughters and don’t want to date a woman who’s not a mother. I feel like non-single mothers won’t understand that my kids come first.
We can all have our own standards. You don’t have kids and don’t want to be someone’s step mom. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s a lot of responsibility.
>bf said I was not a good person if I would stop loving a person just because I found out they had kids.
He’s twisting your words. You stated clearly the reason for breaking up would be because of the massive lie and the totally fair lack of trust because of that.
You are not the asshole.
NTA. but is sounds like HE has a kid and doesn’t know how to tell you and knowing you would have a negative reaction made him defensive.
No way!! Don’t do it!! It’ll ruin your life! Stay single until you find someone who suits your lifestyle
It’s a very normal preference for relationships, always has been.
Your bf has kids. And has probably been married. Otherwise this wouldn’t press him.
It’s always been a dealbreaker for me to not date someone with children. I don’t have kids and I never wanted any. No one is a bad person for having their own boundaries.
He’s kinda the asshole here, and he’s using guilt trip language. If you don’t have kids yourself, a single parent is going to be a terrible dating partner. Someone who is child free has to really have no self-respect if they’re willing to date someone who has kids
NTA you can have preferences. Being with someone who has children is a challenge, yes. As someone with children it’s a learning curve to date someone else with children.
Having said that if they’re just divorced then maybe ask yourself why that is a problem. Divorce is simply the end of a contract. What difference is it to someone that’s come out of any long term relationship, married or not? If there’s history, there’ll be history. Most divorcees I know have been very keen to close that chapter, if anything.
All up though your boyfriend seems to projected his own stuff and taken it way too far. Ultimately, you have a right to a preference.
NTA. I would be digging deep and asking questions because the way he asked that question. Do you know if he doesn’t have a child that he is hiding? I’m 47, divorced and have a child. My daughter is 24.
The dating pool in your 40s is pretty much divorced people with kids.
NTA it’s your preference. If someone lied to you about whether or not they had kids, that would be a deal breaker of a lie. That’s not something that should be kept from the person they’re dating.
You are well within your rights to date whomever you choose.
Every so often, you’ll see posts on Reddit on various subs by single guys asking AITH for not wanting to date single mom. Let me tell you, those posts and threads get very very heated with some of the replies being outright vicious. I hope, this post does not devolve into that.
Given the info, I don’t think so.
Those are reasonable desires and I think it’s fine that everyone has different ones.
And yeah, lieing about having a kid is a pretty big lie. 🚩
>Nevertheless, I want to get married and have children in some years.
That specifically makes you NOT childfree. Childfree means doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want them, not doesn’t have kids yet.
It is absolutely normal as an opinion not to want or want it. Very rude from him to react like that, HITA. More men would probably not accept it than the other way around. Weird ending of the conversation.
You have standards. They are yours.
I mean, why would he care if that was a deal-breaker for you….. Unless he had a kid…….
It’s not unfair to have your preferences. So many guys that have kids always stress they don’t want more, so as a woman who wants kids, the guy isn’t even considering you. So if they are allowed to have their preference, so why can’t others have their preference?
NTA
Hell tf no ur not. I’m not signing up to be a step parent.
You are certainly NTA for not wanting to date someone with kids. You are not obligated to date anyone for whatever reason.
The real issue is your bf getting enraged about you not wanting to date a single dad when he claims to be childless. Then he proceeds to ask what you would do if you found out a guy hid his kids. Then he thinks it’s okay to lie about such a huge part of his life.
If I were you, I would directly ask him if he has any kids he is hiding. Even if you were okay with a man being a single dad, you should dump him for hiding his kids bc he’s dishonest and untrustworthy. Not bc of the kids.
Also, people need to realize when you are dating a single parent, you are not just going to be in a relationship with them as a person. You will eventually be expected to have a relationship with his kids and his ex as well as take on significant child care burdens. That’s the problem. You shouldn’t have to become responsible for someone else’s children. It’s a huge burden to be frank-emotionally, financially, & physically.
Almost sounds like he lied about not having kids with the way he reacted 😂😂 but you have a say in who you do and don’t date. You’re nta at all. Everyone has a preference. Just because he excepted a single mom doesn’t mean you have to. He will get over it.
You could be missing out on a great match/partner but you’re not the asshole for having preferences in a potential partner
NTA. I don’t think I’d be bothered about dating someone who was divorced, it depends why and if they’d be interested in marrying in the future. But having kids was a dealbreaker for me, because I wasn’t ready for that responsibility. I know someone slightly older than me who is dating a guy with kids, they’ve just gotten engaged. Different strokes etc.
Your last paragraph concerns me though. Does he have a kid he lied about? Have you had that conversation yet?
You’re entitled to your feelings and nobody should punish you for them. Now you just have to navigate life with them.