I’ve been dating on and off for almost a year. Had some horrible experiences, had some experiences I wish could have gone better and had some okay experiences. I want to keep pushing because I’m 36 and still single and really want to find someone to settle down with but… I’m so tired of dating right now and cannot open another app. I have a friend my age who continues to casually date and goes on 1-2 dates a week. I did that and now I am just so tired. I can’t even open the apps right now. But part of me keeps thinking “you can’t give up. What if you miss your window”. So how do you deal with the feeling of burn out when initiating and going on dates?
45 comments
What I like to do is delete apps from my phone and only download them when I wanna check them or if I’m actively talking to someone. This has made dating so much easier for me
Have you considered taking a short sabbatical? Maybe just a month or two off the apps to re-center and get in a better head space? I just got back from not being on them for two months and I felt great. Now that I’m back, I’m noticing that I kind of want to get off them again. The whole not actively looking period, while only temporary, felt like a nice vacation. I ended up meeting more people in real life too.
Take a break from dating and do other social things.
Only do things that make you happy- if dating doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it right now
I delete my account, work on myself, and then sign back up when I’m feeling hopeful. Usually that’s between 3-6 months. Sometimes a year goes by.
I don’t have the success to feel like I’m missing out. If anything, I see it as saving time and money.
>But part of me keeps thinking “you can’t give up. What if you miss your window”. So how do you deal with the feeling of burn out when initiating and going on dates?
I know what you mean but what I compare it to is when I travel and when I’m so fucking tired that I can’t enjoy the experience without resting first. Like, I was just in europe for two weeks and when I landed in Vienna I know I needed an hour or so nap because I would’ve just been tired and cranky while exploring
if you’re feeling burned out, take some time off. If you’re not in the right state of mind, you’re unlikely to be successful anyway and your quality of life will be lower
delete the apps and try as much as possible to not think about it. I bet you’ll feel differently in a few weeks. I went through this last year…I was moving so I was mentally allowing myself to not care about trying to meet women for a month or two and my goodness was it nice. Deleted the apps and never felt the pressure to strike up random convos. It was good and allowed me to reset for when I did move, I was ready to go back into it again
I think one strategy might be to abandon the apps and focus on meeting people in real life. For me, it’s a much more fun way to meet people, there’s a really cool energy that comes with meeting somebody new and having a mutual attraction.
I’m also 36 and single and want to find someone to settle down with. What I do, albeit it’s not working, is just being super picky about who I go on a date with. If it feels like a chore vs. at least somewhat excited, I typically don’t make the time. This is not advice, just what I do to deal 😂
Just take a break to focus on friendships, hobbies, etc. Or a compromise is to keep dating but to be super picky. If you don’t click well enough to be excited for a date with a person, don’t ask them out.
Success on the apps is work, and it’s definitely possible to burn out from too much work. Take a break as needed.
That said, the dating apps are essentially sales funnels. Lets say your product appeals to half the market, and from that, half their product appeals to you. The remaining 25% will not all respond to the first message, but 10% will, and so maybe 5% will end up with a date. From there maybe 1% will have a spark.
Try and think of the apps as tools for converting strangers into customers, rather than some abstract panacea that will fill the romantic and emotional void.
And also – work on your game. If you’re not getting matches, take better pictures and try a different approach to the prompts. If you’re not getting responses, are your openers engaging and bespoke?
Focus on yourself and your own happiness for a while. When you feel like dating again, go back, it will always be there. You want to make sure you are in the right mental/emotional head space when dating, and to be hopeful.
I have been through this cycle many times, and I eventually met my forever partner.
It’s a combination of a “numbers game” and your own personal maturity (mental/emotional).
Even if you think you’re hiding it, you’ll bring this energy to any date you push yourself to go to. You don’t necessarily have to take a break from dating, but work on your mindset. Think of every date as getting to meet someone new, not necessarily someone you’ll settle down with. You’re essentially waiting for luck to be on your side and if you approach each new date optimistically, you’ll radiate the right energy to match that luck.
I definitely take breaks, particularly in the wake of either beginning to date someone exclusively (but it fizzled out), or when I am no longer “excited” to go on date to meet new people or it feels like a burden, or just going through the motions.
Even if this is just a week or two. And during that time I typically try to have plans or engage in activities the rejuvenate myself.
And then, inevitably, I’ll come back around, open the apps and have more motivation to date.
Credentials: I’ve been dating with intention for a LTR for about 3 years now will varying degrees of success. But last Friday, just as I was getting toward that point of “burnout” I had a great date that I am excited to see where it goes! But also putting all other dating on hold while this plays out, mostly bc I’m excited about this person but also bc I’m not interested in juggling ppl right now
I dated a ton for about three years. You have to give yourself breaks every now and then and live your life. It’s tough, I get it, but so worth it. You might meet someone in that time period too.
Almost same exact position as you. Early 30s here, some bad experiences, some I would’ve liked to continue, etc.
I’m burned out. I go through phases and will go on a few dates here and there. How I deal with it is basically take breaks. I’ll go on a date with a new person, and if it doesn’t work out I just take a break, and if someone cool lands on my radar I’ll give it a shot, but I’m a lot less active now.
For me, dating feels more like a chore than anything. I’d much rather go for a walk around the neighborhood, play a video game, hang with friends, literally anything else lol. The idea of going out of my way to drive though traffic to meet and pay for someone’s drinks I’ve never met or hardly know just isn’t my idea of fun. Usually I warm up pretty quick but it’s still a big effort to want to date.
TLDR; just take breaks, if dating begins to feel like a chore more than anything, take some time off and occasionally jump back into it when your energy is there
I date in short bursts ..6-8 weeks and if I don’t meet my person, I shut down the apps and continue living my happy single life. I don’t allow dating to consume too much of my mind or energy and definitely encourage others to pace themselves as well. Dating is supposed to be fun right? If it’s anything other than fun, that’s probably a sign you should step off for a while.
Take a break. Don’t try so hard. Just make some new friends and have fun. Sometimes good things will happen when you’re least expecting it. Hell, I’m 40 and I just married the love of my life two months ago, so don’t worry about “missing your window.”
I’m 36 and in the exact same boat. Part of me says to get off because I’m not excited about it and other part says don’t give up, keep looking. I thought a break meant I needed to get off for months but I’ve learned that 2-3 weeks does the trick for a somewhat reset for me (I’m still playing with it and learning).
I ask them specifically what type of relationship they’re looking for before I suggest a call or video chat, then if we hit it off, a casual date. I see you and hear you OP, I have been quite depressed because of this dating scene and I so badly want a partner and kids. Hang in there and feel free to PM me anytime.
Edit to add: I’m also being more conscious of meeting someone in the wild. I try to make more eye contact and just be open. I’m going to go to a dancing lesson this week too which I’ve been saying for months and haven’t gone yet. Nervous!
Take some time off. Delete all your accounts and just try to enjoy your daily life. I did it and I didn’t miss the dating apps or even dates at all. Eventually I came back recently because I don’t want to end up alone, but I don’t find myself forced or anything else. Also there are new faces which is refreshing.
I just had like a panic attack in the morning as my childhood dream is to build a loving family and have children. Sadly I had to end my marriage last year as my ex is not suitable to be a father…I’m 33, going to be 34… I can feel you stress and fear of missing the window…I’m now to take things steady by talking to three people at the same time so not too busy…some convo fizzles out and some turn into dates…I try to be open minded and not to give myself too much pressure…I take it’s keep going but take it slowly and take small breaks~ make it enjoyable by making the convo fun😅
Take a break and be good to yourself. Plenty of exercise, plenty of sleep, maybe meet up with friends you haven’t seen in a while. Read some good books, maybe some family time. Some unscheduled time to just goof off.
Hi fellow 36! I’m there too. I decided to take August off from dating. I started on the apps in April and the first date out turned into a two month situationship that ended up utterly crushing me. I swiped and talked and went on other dates during (we weren’t exclusive) but I’m at a place of both burnout and heartbreak where it disgusts me to even think of looking at another man for a while. I still keep having the urge to get back on because he’s already found someone else and I know he’s not quitting looking anytime soon – so I have this sense of “losing” the breakup if I don’t also keep going. I don’t want to rebound while I’m not healed, but I also worry I’m going to lose momentum. My usual M.O. is to date for a couple of months and get tired of it, feel better, realize how much better I feel without that stuff in my life, and then forget about dating for years at a time. This time around I’m gonna try taking shorter breaks so I don’t get too complacent and totally lose touch with my human need for connection.
Best of luck to you!
Find what works for yourself and take breaks because dating definitely burns me out personally. I could never do 1-2 dates per week. I just had two amazing dates with a guy that ended with a kiss on the second date – and then he essentially ghosted me. I’ll be on vacation soon anyway so I will take a short break of 3-4 weeks from the apps just because that experience kinda bummed me out.
Also, maybe do a better pre-selection process (IF you feel like you went on some horrible dates where there were some early “warning signs” in hindsight) and don’t collect 5026 matches where you feel like you’re playing catch up on every conversation. Limit yourself to a certain number of matches/conversations that you’re comfortable with so it all doesn’t feel super overwhelming.
Good luck ✨
Dating burnout is real. I’ve only really had one really bad experience and the majority of them were just ok.
I would get a lot of matches and could convert most of them to in person.
After a while, asking the same questions to new people regularly gets old. So I would just take a few off. Try to realign my dating goals and reevaluate the type of person I’m looking for.
1-2 a week was average for me and it’s easy to get burnt out from that.
I stopped putting pressure on them going well. I’d focus on just having a good interaction and not worrying if it would go beyond that
Maybe both? I hit a spell like this. Dated like it was my job, and it felt like work, too! I started to do more self care and took on a more open approach to dating. Just getting to know people and seeing if I want to keep getting to know them.
And it’s been fun! Recently matched with someone who isn’t my typical type, but I’m having so much fun and it feels like there’s a lot of possibility with him.
This is going to sound corny but I don’t think you can miss your window if something is meant to be. I get burnt out from dating as well and often times take a break from the apps.. I think a lot of people do that. However, I do keep my apps activated and check maybe once a day to see if there’s anybody who really piques my interest. If not then I close them up for the day and go about my life.
You’re not alone in feeling this way! I feel this way too after having dated one or two people off the apps for a few months that didn’t work out. It’s hard to dive right back after emotionally investing in people when things didn’t work out.
I find the signs that I’m dating app “burnt out” are:
– going on the dating app just because I’m bored
– overly critical of everyone’s profiles
– having a negative bias when reading people’s profiles
– having generalizations thoughts ie “all men sucks” which is simply not true
And when I’m feeling the above I delete the apps and try to just do things that I know will bring me joy and wait until I’m feeling optimistic about dating and genuinely looking forward to meeting new people and getting to know other people again to re download the apps.
But yes I also have the same thought of “but I can’t give up and I need to put myself out there!” But you’re NOT giving up, you’re giving yourself a break so you CAN put yourself out there again.
>So how do you deal with the feeling of burn out when initiating and going on dates?
You stop going on dates for a while. Take a break and then start up again when you actually want to. THat’s it.
I’d say take a break, but maybe also consider if you can engage with the apps differently. Personally I found it helped to invite people along to activities I was already interested in, such as art/museum exhibits or local festivals. That way I felt like I was enriched by the experience, even if the date went nowhere.
> But part of me keeps thinking “you can’t give up. What if you miss your window”
Dating isn’t a science. People have too many variables.
If you’re feeling burnt out, take a break. Find contentment in yourself and other things. Relationships are not the be all and end all of life. You could find yourself in a relationship tomorrow and something could rise to the surface that makes it come crashing down again (I’m a divorcee so have a bit of experience in the matter).
I avoided apps for a year after feeling burnt out. Took the time to focus on my self. I’ve said it in many comments before – filled my other baskets with love. Friends, pets, hobbies, work etc.
Went on a dating app back in April and 4 months later in the best relationship of my life after 2 years of dating not ok men, then taking a big long break of another 2 years and being consciously single thanks to the lack of no good connections on dating apps.
Is some of it perfect timing and coincidence? Yes definitely. But a break, reconfiguring what I wanted, making it absolutely explicit and being ok with the fact that there is no such thing as a window made me enjoy seeking out quality people, knowing full well that I’d be ok if I didn’t. I’m 40 in a few weeks. I also know that if things don’t work out with this guy then I’ll be absolutely ok.
My advice is very different keep pushing – and it seems that men are more Interested when you don’t want to be there and feel like you don’t care
Go figure
I pretty much just shut down and moved to the woods with my dog. It’s a peaceful life.
Also 36. My advice is just focus on doing things you like on your own and hopefully meet prospective dates with common interests that way or at the least can still make some cool friends, like going to concerts and making small talk with other concertgoers or if you’re into specific music genres looking for club nights that feature your musical preferences.
I’ve just turned off notifications on both apps and archived all the chats where they asked for my number and did nothing but ask for a running commentary of my day.
I’m taking myself out to see the Meg 2, eat sexy pizza and buy myself white roses. Peace
I don’t know if you’re doing only app dating, but as someone who hasn’t done it for years and would never go back, I can tell you that getting off the stupid apps permanently will help. I’m pretty sure it’s the main reason people get burnt out on dating (other than bad experiences of course) — too much of a good thing. And it becomes very routine, monotonous, job interview-ish very quickly. Easy to become jaded.
I say take a break from dating for a bit. Then when you’re ready to get back into dating, meet people in real life ONLY. Things will naturally balance out when you meet people here or there as opposed to back to back instant-date situations. You’ll appreciate getting/going on a date when it’s the first person you’ve been interested to go out with in 2-3 weeks as opposed to knowing you can go on your phone and get a date just as quickly as you can order a pizza (assuming it’s that easy for you…don’t know your story).
Furthermore, meeting people in public eliminates some of that inherent mystery or those catfish experiences. You don’t have to worry about a guy lying about his height because you can see it. When a guy at the bar makes you laugh you’ve experienced his sense of humor right then and there and don’t have to wonder if he’s funny. Or in my case, I’m pretty in real life but 100% not photogenic. Best to just meet who you meet in public and a good chunk of your questions that can easily be lied about on an app are answered right there.
And go out and try different things. Join teams, clubs, community groups, etc to meet different types of people. That’s a fun way to meet a guy/gal. And if there are no love connections, hey, at least you still got to experience something enjoyable and make some friends in the process. That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing now and I really enjoy it! I also frequent bars and lounges but I know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea. For me, it’s cool because even if I’m not all that into guys that come up and talk to me, it’s frankly still fun getting “out there” and working on the good ol social skills (conquering the RBF thing, looking approachable, being the one to initiate convos sometimes, practicing assertiveness, etc.).
Let me get on my old lady in her late-thirties soapbox for a bit…feel free to skip lol:
This new school thing where EVERYONE does online and DM dating is very Black Mirror/Twilight Zone. If you notice, when someone says they’re dating, you can 100% of the time ask them “Oh, what apps are you using?”. The two were once not synonymous. It’s interesting to watch how we all gravitate to it like zombies whether we actually enjoy it or not. I know not everyone dislikes it and of course there are success stories out there. But I feel like it’s more of a problem than a solution at this point. And as each person says “I only do online dating because it’s too hard meeting people in person,” they’re further killing the real-life dating pool by, themselves, exclusively online-dating. It’s becoming the “global warming” of society. We ignore it, but it’s changing the world in a negative way. We can all go down the list of reasons. Our kids and their kids are going to likely be confused at the idea of asking a person out without technology. Sorry for my rant lol. And not being judgey…I used to do it too so I get it.
Anyway, I hope some of this helps! Happy dating single friend! Catch me outside single guys! 😉
I don’t, I just stop before I can stir myself into action again. It’s not the law that you have to do it.
Here are some guidelines to streamline the process and reduce how much you need to think (this is easier for girls to use this but see if this helps):
-Schedule certain blocks of time when you do the “admin work” in dating apps such as swiping
-have certain time slots for dates like Thursday at 7pm or whatever you want
-Make sure you have a friend to call after the date to raise your spirits/do self care things after
-limit the date to 1 hr or less if it’s a first date
-make it in your neighborhood so you don’t have tons of travel time if they cancel last minute
-keep the first date simple like going for a walk or coffee or something more focused on talking/weeding out if you like them rather than activities that prevent talking or are very loud
-try to get 3 people you like and then stop swiping and see which of the 3 you like more by going on more dates with each
-when you stop seeing one of the 3, swipe to fill the slot or decide to move forward with one of the others
hopefully it progresses to a relationship you are looking for
I needed a break, so I deleted all the dating apps the other day. I feel like I need some time to heal from all the terrible dates and men who have hurt me and used me this year. When I feel like I can handle dating again, I’ll download the apps again.
I feel like we can spare a few months of a break no matter our age for some peace of mind.
Take a break. I don’t multi date for this reason either. People think they’re taking a shortcut and being efficient by talking to multiple people at once when all it does is overload you with having to juggle multiple people info and things. I just see things through one at a time
If you’re burnt out, why are you doing it?
Sounds to me like you’re tired enough that even IF the right person came along, you might be too tired to even notice.
It’s not like you’re playing hook-a-duck or on a game show. It’s a 2 person thing, and if you’re not feeling it, it’s going to have an impact.
Genuinely, take time out to do something that doesn’t involve the apps. Keep doing that thing.
1-2 dates a week sounds exhausting and expensive. Maybe it’s because I’m not in a city but I’d quickly run out of things to do as well!
If I do 2 different dates a month I think I’m trying pretty hard. Can’t imagine keeping track of that many different people’s stories either.
I’d say just slow it down and go out with the ones you click with on the messages so you actually look forward to them
I decided to give the apps a rest this year and it’s been really refreshing.
It’s forcing me to approach people IRL when I’m out because I don’t have a crutch of “I have that new match I can take on a date next week so no need to work up the courage to introduce myself here”. I realized that was holding me back from meeting people.
Now I’m just meeting women almost every other day or weekend. In the grocery store, dog parks, anywhere. It feels a little liberating to just strike up a convo with someone.
It’s not magic, I’m definitely going on less dates and many have not gone well. But I am definitely going on dates with people I’m interested in and like the in person chemistry with. Id say half of my online dates were no-gos the moment we met IRL, so skipping that step has been really great. There’s less disappointment for something I didn’t even want.
I also don’t feel like I have that dating app “homework” hanging over me in my spare time. No feeling that I “should” be looking for new matches because it’s a numbers game.
Partly I’ve just made dating less of a priority this year (getting over a toxic relationship) and the first step was getting off the apps. If I meet someone great, if not I can still enjoy my night out.
I always took a break when I felt burnt out. You have to keep your own best interest in mind
For me, it has always come down to getting a better handle on when it’s more work than it needs to be. Some conversations on the app feel like a chore to maintain, and when those conversations turn into dates I start to dread those dates.
I’ve found that deciding to just not continue conversations that feel like a chore can bring some of that energy back without actually taking a long break. If I’m feeling burned out, I’ll still talk to the girl that I feel like I have a ton to talk about with and have lots in common, but I’ll just let it die with the girls that I don’t know what to say to. Then, every date is something I’m excited about because I only plan those with girls I really like right away. Sure, you might miss some connections and you aren’t playing the numbers game well, but you can only handle so much effort for so long.
I’m also 36 and recently out of a super toxic relationship (so I’m taking a break). Still looking for my person but also practicing radical acceptance about the situation. From someone who has trauma from being in relationships with SEVERELY disordered folks, I’m finally learning that staying single until you meet the right person is HEALTHY. Any time I open dating apps, I get burnout pretty quickly JUST from swiping lol, not even GOING on the dates. I also despise dating and don’t see how some folks can go on 1-2 dates a week with different people for an extended period of time; sounds akin to mental waterboarding. My problem is, I’ve always decentered “dating” and focused on other things to enjoy in my life. And whenever I reach a place where I’m like “Yeah, this is nice, I like my life” THAT’S when someone pops up. And that’s where I am now, focusing on myself, my hobbies, my fitness, my health, spoiling myself with self-love and relying on the old-fashioned way of meeting people organically off the apps, by chance. Sometimes I fear “the window”, but you never lose by investing into yourself, and I think things will work out the way they’re supposed to.