People say I am the life of the party. Since junior high school, that label has carried me into my mid-30s. Like everything in my life, it’s to excess. I’m an addict. I always find myself trying to one up myself the last time. I have taken more risks than most everyone I know, trying as many things as possible like standup, changing careers, changing fields, meeting new people, booze, drugs, prostitutes. I’ve been to therapy and no longer have suicidal ideation. I still struggle with anxiety but I no longer find myself stuck – instead I just seek out more to do.
My friends still contact me and want to hang. They’re all in mostly stable careers and/or have kids. I don’t want kids. I’m open to a partner but romantic love has eluded me since I was young. After the pandemic, I’ve noticed myself more easily losing control of my drinking, my gauge is off, leading me to say and do even more inappropriate things when in public. Last time I was out, I made the mothers and a couple fathers in our group uncomfortable because of things I drunkenly said (forgetting a junior high school kid was around when talking drugs or sex or dropping the R & F word without thinking).
Before, this type of behavior was welcomed and encouraged. Now, not so much. Even though the jokes that “he’s crazy”, “if she can handle meeting him, she’s a keeper”, “keep him away from your kids”, etc., are still being thrown my way. So when I deliver on that promise, they’re all somehow surprised and offended. The resentment that’s been building up over the years is so apparent now that I no longer find it fun hanging. And yet they still want to hang after some time away. I still get invited to bachelor parties and have been a groomsman for 5 different friends.
It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting, only because I know the respect is no longer there and instead of being the clown telling jokes, I feel like the clown people laugh at. I don’t plan on making myself available any longer, not wanting to risk further resentment or loss of respect. It’s okay, friendships strengthen and weaken. I still love em and always will.
I’ve been preparing to enter law school while working full-time because my current career leaves me feeling like I’m not using my brain anymore. I welcome the challenge. I’ll likely graduate at 39/40. I’m on a clearly defined path now that I want to pursue wholeheartedly. I don’t plan on drinking anymore. I haven’t touched drugs since that last night out. Is it too late?
Is it too late to change my personality? Am I just now growing up? What happens to the life of the party when the lights come on?
TL,DR: The party is over. I’ve run out of juice. Planning on going to law school in my mid-30s. My friends are feeling resentful of me. Is it too late to change? Why keep asking me to hang if the respect is gone?
10 comments
It’s never too late to better yourself and become the person you want to be! Sounds like you’re trying to make up for the maturing and growth you missed in your 20’s. Being aware of things, how it effects you and really being honest sign yourself about it is a huge step. Don’t think its an easy one ever. Honestly, I have a lot of respect for you for pushing yourself to do it! Keep going you never know where it’ll lead you. Good luck in law school and remember to keep striving to be that person you want to be than what you are and I have a feeling you’ll do great things even if it’s not what you planned originally.
Your first paragraph reads to me like you’re running from something, and your constant partying was part of that running. Have you figured out what it is you’ve been running from for the last 20-odd years?
If you can’t stop yourself getting out of control drunk and then using derogatory slurs, all while in the presence of your friends kids, then you obviously need to change. Being sober is good, but do you think you can do that on your own? Are you seeking help?
I feel like you are blaming your friends a bit too much here. Friends want to see friends. Its your fault you party, get drunk & say dumb things. I understand you no longer want that life style, but they aren’t making you do embarrassing/clown stuff, *you* do that and don’t think about the consequences of looking like an ass in public. And that kind of behavior has never been welcomed or acceptable. No one finds it attractive when people drop R or F bomb/get excessively drunk/have no awareness etc. Sorry for sounding unsympathetic, but the post you gave just gives off the vibe you don’t analyze your own actions and how to better yourself and you’re on your way to 40 years old.
Therapy and a psychiatrist will help you understand your motives/lifestyle. Some medication may balance things, idk. Good psychiatrists will use non-medicated options before moving to medications (if you have a worry towards pills etc). You still have a lot of life though, turn that shit around and you’ll have plenty of time to be the person you needed deep down.
Anti-social personality disorder. You have many traits as you describe here.
It’s never too late to change if you want to change. I’m 40 and have friends who used to be party friends who don’t drink or do drugs anymore. When I was 24 I used to order 2 shots at last call and now I’m like GO OUT AT 10 PM ARE YOU CRAZY. I still connect with long time friends, laugh too hard at stupid jokes, ect ect.
Right now you’re at the start of making a positive change. You might backslide and do something stupid but it doesn’t take away the work you’re doing right now. If the changes you make don’t make you feel happier re-evaluate. I think you can do it, so good luck.
Yeah, a lot of people have this dream when they’re in their late teens and early 20s that they will be the one to never “become boring” and that they will be able to “keep the party going” forever without settling down.
But what’s cool when you’re 20 can seem sad and desperate when you’re 35. The only people who want to keep doing that with you are 15 years younger and they see you as this creepy old man – if they want to party with you at all, it’s because they find you a funny mascot, not because you’re their peer in the party life.
Having known someone like that is why a film like The World’s End hits different for some of us.
You don’t need to have kids or do the whole married lifestyle to grow up. But the endless shallow partying is likely to have worn out its welcome. Thankfully there are other things you can do with your life as a grown-ass adult beyond kids and a ring! Travel is a great one. Working on yourself like you are now with law school is solid too, but this can also extend to non-career stuff like hobbies, skills, interests.
There’s no time like the present to go find out who you are without the bottle.
It sounds like you need to do some good work out on figuring out what you like, what you do for fun, what your hobbies are.
The way you talk about it, you were the life of the party and that worked so you lent into that hard and it’s defined you.
Except now it’s causing issues with your friends and it sounds like you don’t actually enjoy being that person either.
Personal growth is hard. Your friends will have done this on their own journeys too.
Its like when someone after a break up needs to “date themselves” to take some time and figure out who they are and what they need.
You should do the same, except your ex is just your over the top party persona that you’ve put on for 20+ years.
Find a good therapist and have them guide the work. I see you saying in other comments you don’t “need” one, but they’re not just useful when you’re having a mental health crisis. They’re incredibly useful for exactly this type of work.
Being a lawyer is miserable and stressful. There’s a reason so many of us have drinking problems or similar issues. I would think very long and very hard before doing this. I worry that (like many people) you see being a lawyer as a title that shows you are respectable and stable, which you are feeling desperate to be. But the reality of practicing the law is mostly drudgery and stress. At least work in the legal field a little before law school.
I say this to our college-level and law school level interns every summer: be sure you are going into this because you actually want to do the work of a lawyer and not for the idea of being a lawyer. Some of them love the job now. Some of them are deeply, deeply miserable and entrapped by student loan debt.
>only because I know the respect is no longer there and instead of being the clown telling jokes, I feel like the clown people laugh at.
Nothing has changed. This is what it was the whole time. Now that these people are older, they no longer enjoy laughing at you and they find you sad.
> I don’t plan on drinking anymore. I haven’t touched drugs since that last night out.
Mmhmm. And how long ago was that, exactly? “I don’t plan on drinking anymore” is also different from “I have stopped drinking.”
It’s never too late to change. But you have to really want to change, and it’s not clear that you do.