I’m sorry for the format but I had to edit it a dozen times.
**TLDR:** I broke up with my boyfriend due to his anger issues and harsh words. I struggle with self-confidence, possible ADHD, and anxiety. While he was caring, his anger and emotional ups and downs took a toll. Despite his financial support, I felt inadequate and couldn’t maintain routines. Our relationship had intense highs and lows, leading me to question myself and my choices. I decided to break up for my own well-being, seeking advice on how to cope with the emotional aftermath / but still wonder if I’ve done the right thing.
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I ended the relationship to find peace and happiness, seeking advice to cope with the emotional turmoil.
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I broke up with my bf but.. I do have a kind of low self confidence tbh because I know I do silly mistakes and sometimes I am too absent minded. (I’ve been researching about this for years and I’ve come to find Adhd can be it, but other than seeing it on question tests, I have yet to find a Dr to check fully)
I doubt myself very often (im working on that) I keep having second thoughts even if i did the best thing in those circumstances but here I am having it again. I was having second thoughts because I saw two sides of him.
(Idk if he has any medical situation but I know a bit about he didn’t have any easy childhood)
One side is loving caring and everything you may look for in a relationship. Idk if he was lovebombing since he mentioned getting married in our first week (as a joke) but we met with each others’ parents in our first 2 months. He was amazingly caring, knew how to say sorry and made me happy with small surprises.
But I also saw how easy he gets angry and doesn’t care if he is hurting someone (even in traffic) but I overlooked. Mostly because I got very sick in our 3rd week of relationship and he sticked with me thru my hard times.
Then weird arguments started where he would draw the card of breaking up and knowing if aomething will work out or not and thought we are not going to work out so it was smart to end it, but I asked him to communicate his problems and wishes because I cannot just break up with someone without an obvious reason.
Anyway,
He moved to another country for work and wanted me to be with him and after few months of LDR, I got my visa and I went there and he took care of everything as I couldn’t work there.
I’ never going to say otherwise, he supported me financially and everything but there is also another side which he says harsh things that hurt me from the core when angry and there is always a problem to deal with (continuously one after other) and no mistakes are forgiven, which mean he gets mad at slightest inconvenience that blocks him from completing something he is trying to do.
I mean, the anger issues surfaced again, started in my 1st week of coming after being LDR for half year!
It was the 1st time I haven’t worked for such a long time and it was taking its toll on me.
I was working online, doing what I love to do most but since I can’t earn much, I started to feel cold towards everything slowly, with the help of the arguments we had even over a simple thing..
I am not blaming him alone, as you may understand. I am blaming myself as well, but most of my self talk includes the things he said to me. I think they became my self talk..
No matter what I did, I was childlike, not happy, taking everything he does for granted and not caring about anything, absent minded, making stupid mistakes that noone there makes, make me look like someone who has no clue and dependent on others since I cannot do anything right etc.
Ps. I worked in a job I hate to support my family when I was married before that (had to divorce since he did nothing to support us, added psychological and sexual pressure etc) I worked in 2 jobs in another past relationship where he couldn’t find a job but I was happy to come home to a smiling face
So actually deep inside I know that I am not lazy or anything, but I am just down…
I accept that I am childlike and sometimes absent minded and yes I start panicking when I am anxious etc but, that’s another plan I am working on to better.
I also saw that when i made a silly joke, he took it personal and said i did it to make him feel bad etc but I would never do anything to make him feel bad or anything that would make him think more about another problem, he should have known this by now after 2 years
And he knows that I prefer avoiding any kind of conflict and try to solve it by communication, which l kind of mess up because I get anxious when there is a chance for disturbing conflict/loud argument.
He slowly raises his voice when arguing about even a simple thing and it mostly ends with me crying because I got too overwhelmed. Then he tells / blames me for using crying as a way to run away from argument. I just feel like all my insides are about to explode, I want to solve the conflict to never have / live it again, why should I cut it just to relive it???
I kept feeling that our ups are all the way up, *and those times I felt like myself (because I was like that in my normal times),* happy, bubbly, excited, intensely passionate for everything I do even if it is just holding hands & breathing or getting intimate.
But also our downs were so down that made me question my every single cell and contemplate my life choices from the moment I could thing which would spiral way down into, yes. I am a burden to everyone in my life and wish I have never even been born…
It feels like we don’t have time to do anything. I know it is not fair to him when I see people on my friends list going somewhere else and having cuddly kiss fun time with their SO, everyone has different jobs, incomes or problems, but it’s been 6 months since I got here and we argued again in the only holiday we went.
(We went on another holiday before he got here. planned for 3 4 days and had it 1,5 day because we argued about sth stupid and he blamed me for being something (again about my character) when I just wanted to chill and have nice time with him.)
Nearly every time we go out, we either argue on the way, there or we he just gets mad when I don’t hear or understand something and then we have problems. He just left me a few times in the middle of the street etc and later when i ask he he said he got very angry and didnt want to argue or have problems there in the middle of the street. He told me he left me but was sure I could just walk / come back to the house. Something like; “you are a grown up woman in your 30s, you have money, you know English, you have Internet. It shouldn’t be a problem for you to come home when you want”
But for me it was not a matter of if I can find my way back home, but it was the abandonment.
Later i started getting anxious when we go out together and I anxiously just tried to make it all sunshine and flowers, but it doesnt work because When i am anxious i panic and I mess things up or forget thing.
These keept getting more and and more and finally after one more argument over something so simple, (in which I would just say it nicely and wait until they did it correct, if not helped them) I felt my heart and stomach couldn’t take it anymore. The day felt like a year but was like a half day
I kept thinking if I could live like this for many years and the answer was no.
Then when I thought about it more, even though i still liked him, my will to try anything (even for the things i was passionate about) was gone, I didnt want to be intimate etc..
That day, which was yesterday, even though I love sunny weather, I just couldnt enjoy a sunny calm day outside even all by myself, because of another problem we had back in morning.
I spent hours thinking about it and since I was abroad on his name with him, I spent hours thinking if I am doing the right thing. Maybe it was really all in my head as he said and that I was exaggerating it. Maybe it was really me who couldn’t do even simple things like he does and that he is really the only one who wants to see me get better and succeed but I was running away when things got hard. After all, he wanted me to quit smoking so we can start a family and for that I needed to be healthy, he wanted me to go to gym to better my body (which I am lucky genetically, I can eat everything and I’m not even close to being obese, I am skinny) and my health. And I just couldnt keep up with those..
I know I use cigarettes as a way to calm myself down and have sth in my hand, I do want to stop but it’s not easy. And it is hard for me to start and stick to a routine, especially if someone keeps asking or nagging about it. I crave for a healthy routine but I cannot keep it easily.
I told him that I cannot take it anymore and I want to breakup.
Whatever I said, he found reasons to blame me; you are not trying to get better, you are running away from problems, noone is going to accept
this kind of behaviours and noone is going to help you with everything when you ask for help. You need to get yourself together.. (he once said in the heat of an argument that he doesn’t want to parent an adult child because I couldn’t do anything I used to do after being burnt out mentally,
And also that no one would help me when I ask for it if I wasn’t so nice looking and sweet and kind, if they knew that I was a big spoiled baby kinda thing (im sorry I don’t remember word by word.my mind plays games to me altering every bad thing said to me and presenting it back to me 10s of times worse)
He accepted that he says harsh things and that he is working on it but it is as much as he can while he
expects me to function well under emotional stress, which he thinks is childlike and doesn’t accept that I am indeed stressed out because how can you be stressed when someone is already waking up dead early to work their ass off to support you, right? Like I am just splurging on stuff and sucking all his money…
I am doing the shopping for the house with few hundred bucks I earn monthly and treating myself with a coffee and cigarette 2 3 times a month mostly… I just bought 3 4 pieces of clothing because I brought not much to wear from the money I saved before. This was the most luxurious thing I did.
Yet he told me that I am not thinking where I spend my money when I don’t even earn much and that shows him more about me therefore gives him more to think about me and our possible future together. He said if we went somewhere and I wanted that he could have bought me but since I don’t earn much and buying something which is not a NEED, that shows sth bad about me..
It would if I kept doing that, not 1-2 times for the sake of feeling better about myself..
I am tired of feeling lousy, cant get something done feeling and the more I feel those the more i mix things up and make worse or sillier mistakes. I keep getting anxiety attacks by myself when these happen.
There is also this. We argue and then he acts like nothing happened but i live with the pain of the words long time and my head keeps changing them for worse with time. He is a good person but he cant change how he reacts which affects me so so much. I asked him that to check his tone and words he use as they hurt me a lot. I can thrive and do every single thing (I would even work my ass of to early retire us so we can enjoy life) when happy and in peace as I am all about having peace and happiness but those are what I lack and miss the most..
• he told me that i am always running away from problems instead of going towards them and solving them but i am. Just not after some point where i have no energy left in me. And after all he said, now I feel like a failure, that runs away when things are hard and doesn’t try harder, but I am
tired.. I’m tired emotionally, psychologically and physically.
Thank you for reading all this. I still have so much in me
but I am too tired from all that stuff crashing inside me while trying not to be a burden on him while I leave since I am still on his name here.
I need your advice. Thank you
(I will delete this thread for obvious reasons after some time, but I am going to read every single gle thing you write. Thank you)
1 comment
Hope you’re okay. X