My (25F) wife and I (29M) tried to have a conversation about each others needs. She had a very long list of things that I need to work/improve on and most of it was trivial things (for example, buying x brand instead of y brand, spending more time at home then at work, etc), but I said I would work on a lot of it. I then said that I don’t feel loved at all because she never really wants to touch me. Physical touch is a huge part to me and makes me feel loved. This lack of physical touch and has led to a dead bedroom. As I poured out how I was feeling, she goes “well that’s not important to me so idk why it is to you.” As I explained again why, she said she understands but then said “I only will do that AFTER all of my needs are met.”
This shocked me to say the least. I remained calm and asked “what about days when I can’t do it all and just need you?” She shrugged and then I stated that this feels like vey selfish and that you are saying your needs are more important. She goes “well, they kind of are more important.”
I’ve given up on asking for intimacy or anything close to it, I don’t even try to hold hands or anything because she’s so against it. She refuses counseling and I’m just at a loss of what to do.
EDIT: thank you to all who made the time to comment! I don’t think I explained what her needs were enough or my general thoughts. When I said “trivial” it should been “more chores than actual needs” and things along those lines. For example, one of them was to clean the entire house and wash both cars, which is I understand service is what some people’s needs. And she made some fair points and I promised to make a solemn effort to improve myself. I was thinking of adding the part originally where I said I would make an honest effort, but sorry for the confusion!
22 comments
I’m ngl, it seems like she doesn’t care about you and just wants what you can provide her.
Tell her you’re going to see a hooker to get your needs met if she won’t step up.
You’re married so I want to be very careful how I approach this. First of all, don’t make any hasty decisions regarding your status with her(if you know what I mean).
You might hate me for saying the following, but I will have to be honest with myself and you……She needs a new nature. A new nature isn’t by a head knowledge, therapy, or anything like that. A new nature isn’t “turning a new leaf”….because that’s ultimately still the same leaf and could be turned over once again to the original.
How much you want her to have a new nature will depend on how much you love her.
I grew up in a Christian home, called myself a Christian…..yet lived like the world. It wasn’t until I got to my darkest hour about a certain situation, after wasting all my ideas and knowing that nothing could be done by human efforts, that I finally came to God and laid out everything in my heart…my pain, my sadness, etc….eventually my prayer turned turned-about toward my ex-fiancee’s salvation. When I started praying for somebody other than myself…….THEN I met God. I will never forget that moment/experience on the beach in the dead of night.
Jeremiah 29:13 happened to me in a reality and it can happen to you as well if you do as the scripture asks you to do. You also must be willing to serve God….live a life for HIM and for others. He can help you with your marriage issues, but just like any other type of relationship….God doesn’t want to feel used just to get something out of him.
My life has never been the same since and the other life I had prior is like garbage in my eyes. My nature is different. I saw some of my old replies to people……….and it was like reading it coming out of the mouth of somebody else. It was appalling, tbh.
Divorce her these were all the things that needed to be talked about before the relationship…. what the heck
>She had a very long list of things that I need to work/improve on and most of it was trivial things (for example, buying x brand instead of y brand, spending more time at home then at work, etc)
>As I poured out how I was feeling, she goes “well that’s not important to me so idk why it is to you.” As I explained again why, she said she understands but then said “I only will do that AFTER all of my needs are met.”
>what about days when I can’t do it all and just need you?” She shrugged and then I stated that this feels like vey selfish and that you are saying your needs are more important. She goes “well, they kind of are more important.”
It’s time for a divorce. Sounds like she’s already got one foot out the door actually. You said her list of needs is trivial so she returned that same exact energy by saying what you feel is also trivial. You tried to get your needs met without having to meet hers and she said nope, I’m not going to be intimate with you when I don’t want to. There’s not really a reason for her to be working on making you feel loved if you’re constantly looking for reasons to avoid making her feel loved. It’s just a toxic situation all around
Flip it back on her. Both of your needs are important so if she demands tit for tat tell her it goes both ways.
Emotional blackmail, dead bedroom, gaslighting, needs and wants and demands and that’s only from her side… I’d divorce.
Deal breaker. GTFO.
Yeah, you do 23 out of 25 things and “no intimacy for you”. This is emotional blackmail.
Divorce
Bottom line, you both sound selfish. The secret to a Hapy marriage is compromising and wanting to make your partner happy. If you both do that, chances of a happy marriage are good. Poor communication, being selfish, and no intimacy (with or without sex), makes for a sad marriage. Not always, but many times you give what you get. We are seeing one side, and sorry OP, but it’s pretty sad.
Why not just try doing what she’s asking and seeing if that’s sustainable for you, then see if that improves the intimacy (assuming you want to save the marriage.)
If her requests are not something you can do, you’ll have a much better conversation about it after you’ve taken them seriously and tried to fulfill them for a few weeks than you will by looking her in the eye and saying you can’t be bothered.
Is this what you are willing to accept in a marriage? When you thought about marriage, was this type of relationship you saw yourself accepting? If the answer is a big NO, then I think you have your answer. Marriages go through all kinds of stages but this does not seem to be in the range of the normal boundary of a healthy relationship.
Sounds like you simply need to accept that your relationship is over. You have both drifted apart and your needs and her needs are no longer compatible. You need a physical relationship and she has made it clear that that isn’t important to her. So the problem you now have is that even if she does give you some physical love, you are going to feel like she really isn’t interested in doing this.
Been there, and found that the loneliness of this was worse than any loneliness I’ve felt when been on my own.
Good luck going forward, but I’d suggest you now both sit down and try and have an adult conversation about breaking up.
Divorce her sorry ass. There your needs can now be met by someone who loves and respects you cause your future xw doesn’t.
That’s toxic as fuck my dude. She isn’t compromising in the least and has put only her needs first and doesn’t even care about your needs in the slightest. Both of your needs are important, not just one person’s, and the fact that she is holding hostage your needs and is only willing to give you yours when you have given into 100% of hers isn’t healthy and that isn’t even love my dude. That’s emotional abuse, you’re in an abusive relationship. I’d say you need to get a good lawyer and end it because your wife is selfish as fuck. She practically told you that your needs don’t even matter and she will begrudgingly give you what you need for a laundry list of stupid shit.
She even said that intimacy isn’t important to her so why is it important to you. Are you fucking serious? Wow that’s some toxic shit right there bro. Do you want to be in an emotionally dead marriage for the rest of your life?
Op don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy she wants to you to do choreplay and in the end you may get some pity sex. Fuck that know your worth. Intimacy should be given willingly and freely and it should never be transactional. This is not healthy and your wife sounds toxic. I guarantee she will move the goal posts whenever you do what she wants. She has no interest whatsoever in being intimate with you that is the only big you need to focus on. Time for an exit strategy since therapy is a non starter it usually is when one partner knows that they will get found out for being toxic.
Best of luck know your self worth my friend
I know a lot of people are suggesting divorce, and I see why, but if you can at all afford it, try to go to counseling. An outside view can sometimes help loads. But the person actually working with you will need both sides of the story. I’m not saying you’re lying, and I don’t ink her saying she won’t even try before her needs are met is a horrible thing to say to someone you claim to love.
Also, preference of a brand over another is a preference, not a need (unless there’s a medical reason for a specific brand, of course). It also pales in comparison to your need to feel loved. She basically said ” Unless you fulfill all of my “needs” I won’t even try to fulfill yours”. This should not be a transaction, and withholding love is super manipulative.
It’s time for a divorce she doesn’t care anymore and at this point she wants an easier life without reciprocating.
Honey, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Even if I wasn’t in the mood or didn’t want to, I would just to make my partner feel appreciated. If you are willing to work on things and show effort, that would be more than enough for me. This whole thing is so selfish on her part. Marriage is a two-way street, and this looks so one sided it’s ridiculous .
Clean the whole house and both cars? And what exactly does lazy bones contribute?
Life is too short to be anything but happy. Sometimes people aren’t meant to stay in our lives forever, just a season or a reason and it appears that either of those has ran it’s course.
In my opinion:
There is a lot wrong with this.
First: Her saying I don’t care about your needs, even if it was supposed to be something I’m just not “in the mood” because I have all of this stuff to do, and I feel like you aren’t helping. Is just so far into bad communication, I’m not sure she didn’t know what she was doing.
Second: making intimacy, let alone sex transactional like it’s an allowance for doing chores, is not loving and wrong.
Third: Telling you to buy nicer things, or certain things in order to have sex with you is, just a really bad look. Did she marry you for status and money?
Fourth: If you really are doing everything she asks, and the goal posts keep moving and or you are just incapable of doing everything she asks, and she doesn’t care you’re trying and doing your best. This isn’t sustainable.
I really don’t think this woman cares about you. I don’t think the first thing I mentioned was a miscommunication. And I’d be extremely turned off from sex and intimacy until all of my concerns were communicated and the correct response to my concerns was given.
I’d probably be seeking marriage counseling or going to some form of therapy for it before saying divorce.