**tl;dr: Guy I’m dating is great in many ways but has a lot of issues that would make a serious relationship hard. I would be fine with the casual arrangement we have now for quite a long time (since I am working on a lot of my issues too), but he has hinted a little at eventually wanting to take things further. I would if he worked on his issues, but he’s not interested in doing that. Am I stringing him along by staying in the casual arrangement?**
I’ve been dating a guy for about 8 months. He has a lot of amazing qualities, and has taught me a lot about life, probably in part because of how much older he is. However, it is obvious that he is extremely emotionally immature and would be bad for a real relationship. I know it’s not just me, because he has never been in a long-term relationship (never dated for over 6 months), by his own admission, always long term FWBs or “casual dating.”
The current arrangement works for me. I have a lot of issues myself (I’m being treated for CPTSD) that would certainly come out if we were in a “real” relationship. We see each other once every 1-2 weeks on average but sometimes we’ll go 3 weeks without seeing each other. This is by his design – I wanted things to be more serious at first but once I got to know him more, I knew that wouldn’t work.
He’s been hinting at wanting to move things further. He has introduced me to most of his friends, invites me to any group outings with his friends, and makes future plans with me (e.g. he bought tickets for us to something happening in February).
I have said multiple times that I want to work out my own life before getting into a serious relationship, which is true. He has had much more time to build his life than me due to his age. But he still hints at eventually moving in together. When I say that I don’t want to, or that it would be many years (5+) before I would consider something like that, he just says things like “Well, I’m patient, so we can go further whenever you’re ready” which (1) I don’t believe is sincere, and (2) he has issues too, it’s just that they’re less obvious and the people in his life are okay with them.
But he isn’t willing to work on his issues – he’s a porn addict, he keeps constantly busy to avoid his feelings (!!!), he doesn’t take care of himself at all (he looks 46 even though he’s 36), and he is highly judgmental and critical underneath his “nice” personality. He had a bad childhood, and I think he is a “codependent” type rather than a genuinely nice person. He’s anti-therapy even though he definitely needs it, which is a dealbreaker for a serious relationship for me – I think self-knowledge is very important. But this casual arrangement has taught me a lot, and I have improved my life a lot outside of therapy and have become more open, because I see that he has many similarities to me yet is accepted by so many people.
TBH I don’t think he wants something long-term either, since he has never done it and is 36. From what I know of him, it seems like he wants the ego boost of having a partner and wanting someone to move in with him, but doesn’t actually want it (Like, “I wanna get married but not be married”). He often says things like “I lived with my parents until I was 30, I want to live alone for a long time before having anyone else here,” so why even mention it? I brought this up to him and he was just like “Hmm… I’m not sure, I’d have to think about it.”
Do you think I am stringing him along? Again I am happy with how things are going for my own personal growth, and have made it clear that I don’t want to be serious, at least for a very long time. Is there something I should be doing?
3 comments
Umm how exactly being with an immature slob is good for your personal growth? I am not getting this, I’m afraid. Anyway, the answer is quite clear – you want different things (not sure what they are, but they are obviously not the same thing).
Yeah seems like this guy ain’t for you, look how readily you listed his many drawbacks and how vague you’ve been about his ‘amazing’ qualities. It feels like you already know this isn’t going anywhere. I’d cut him off for both of your sakes because I don’t get the impression he wants this to stay causal.
Edit to add: also. Going to therapy doesn’t always = self-knowledge. Some of the most deluded people I’ve ever known have been going to therapy for a long time.
I think you need to have an even more forthright and open conversation about where each of you sees your relationship heading (or *not* heading). So far you’ve been diplomatic by saying that you aren’t interested in a long-term/deeper relationship because of your situation. And that’s great that you’ve been clear about that. But now that he’s pushing for more, you have to give him the follow-up information: if you were looking for something more, it would not be with him as things stand now.
And that’s going to be hard. His feelings are going to get hurt. But he deserves to know that you don’t see a future with him and why. So have that hard conversation; lay down the obstacles as you see them, and then give him time to just think about it before you talk again. Does he agree with your assessment of the problems? Is he willing to commit to working on any of them?
If he’s willing to make real changes, how much support can you offer him and in what form? If he is making a good-faith effort and achieves progress, would you reconsider a deeper commitment?
If he isn’t interested in self-improvement, is he willing to accept that the relationship won’t become deeper? And how long are you willing to keep things as they are knowing that he’s not going to change?