My friend is 37 and has not worked for several years. He was a computer programmer. He would like to get back into it. He quit because of mental issues which he still has, but also the job was not doing anything as well (fix one line of code every few months, if that).
He has been a house husband pretty much the whole time and doing ..not much. He sees a psychiatrist (medicine) and it has not helped that much over the past year. Also has seen many talk therapists and they do nothing for him. Off medicine now and he feels more clear headed, he says so he wants to get employed again.. Impossible?
He is mostly having issues with being married because he can not function as married all the time as he cannot seem to have his mind focus on anything (like he said, he was on medicine). That is perhaps, the primary issue. But there is much trauma too. Would a life coach or something might help? Not sure what he should do at this point, any ideas?
4 comments
Mental health goes first. Everything else can wait. Even if he lands a great paying job now, a month or two later, he will feel down and depressed again.
So I’ll repeat mental health goes first. He needs to have a talk with his SO about this situation, explain that he needs space/time/support or anything he needs, so he has ALL his focus on his mental health.
Now next question is what does he do. Meds? I can’t tel you. Been on antidepressants many times in my life, they have helped, they have made me dull, they have not helped, they have made it worse sometimes as well. So it’s up to him to decide. (Personally, I went to antideps only when I felt that it was the last resort)
Even if he does go for medication, he needs to know – it is a crutch. It’s not THE solution. It’s support, to lift you up a bit.
What I 100% recommend and give advice – THERAPIST. Find a good one. Keep changing, until you don’t find good one, but give them a try.
Therapy can change your life.
If he can combine all this with some kind of work that won’t make him miserable? Well, good for him. But he shouldn’t force it, because I repeat
MENTAL HEALTH COMES FIRST!
45m programmer. i had a midlife crisis which led me to a rock bottom scenario someone in my life called “hell”.
it was only after experiencing that hell that i took steps to rebuild my life.
i’ve experienced mental health issues, been on medications, been in therapy, support groups etc which i was able to learn from. so it is a bit concerning that you say the talk therapists aren’t helping.
ultimately the choice to change must be driven by that person themselves, nobody else can do it for them.
he can get a job, sure; but would he lose it again in a month or several months when mental issues flare up?
maybe you’re asking about a “friend” but really asking about yourself; either way, i hope the message is clear that the root of the issues needs to be addressed by actions undertaken by the affected individual.
Talk therapy takes time, way more time than you think. When someone says they tried a bunch and none worked it can sound like they didn’t give any enough time. I’ve made great progress with mine but that’s been over years of work
If he’s got coding skills, I’d prolly just start off with gig work to rebuild his resume. There’s tons of people that will pay for 1-off projects. Goal here should NOT be income, it should be to pursue projects that really allow him to showcase his skills and/or just do something he really enjoys. Do that for a couple years. Update resume with contemporaneous, relevant work, *then* start looking for full-time employment, where income becomes primary goal of the work.
Doing gigs has bonus effect of being largely remote work so the transition from ‘stay-at-home-dad’ to ‘employee’ won’t be as drastic.