So my ex of 15 years ago contacted me last year when my mother passed away. It was mostly condolences and catching up in life but no flirting at all. There is no hint of flirting or anything. Just like “I live here, I have 2 kids, i got my PhD, etc.” And it was maybe 10 TXT or so
Fast forward to today and out of the blue I get a TXT
Her: hey NAME, how are you doing
Me: good just enjoying the return of summer
Her: (summarized) summer yeah good. I became a mom. Hope you’re healing well after you loss.
So these are super non threatening but at the same time I don’t know how to just tell the ex that I am not really interested in txting or her being in my life in anyway. She live in europe I’m in North America, so I’m not really worried about anything physical, she just always felt the need to keep in touch with her exes which was always wierd to me. I can’t just ghost her because her family is close to my family and I don’t need to be painted as being rude.
I also wouldn’t want my wife to see these and feel like I am hiding something from her.
Yesterday I was thinking I should tell my wife and ask her for advice on how to try to cut ties with the ex.
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**tl;dr**: ex contacted me condolences and then try to be freindly but I don’t really want to and I don’t want to hurt wife’s feelings.
13 comments
You should tell your wife. As a wife myself, I would like to know if an ex hits my husband up. It’s not a red flag but mutual respect. I would do the same and tell my husband if my ex hits me up.
Why does it bother you so much what your ex of 15 years family thinks about weather you message her back or not? If not messaging someone back in their due time is considered rude, I’m the rudest person on the planet!
I dunno, this just feels like a bit of a mountain out of a mole hill situation…
Why not just text the ex and just mention you’re really good, congrats on the baby, you’re super busy but you hope all is well and you’ll say hi to her family when you next see them and then just, don’t reply to anything anymore?
Don’t give yourself problems where there aren’t any. xx
You should definitely tell your wife, and also make it clear to your ex that you don’t want her contacting you. I understand not wanting confrontation but at the same time if you don’t set that boundary now not only is it disrespectful to your wife but also to yourself.
I think she has a right to know, even if there’s nothing nefarious going on. Communication is key!
Play with snakes, you will eventually be bitten. It’s always better to communicate with someone who has devoted your life to you.
Ex or not, set some realistic and strict boundaries. What do you have to gain from speaking or texting this person? What value do they bring to you now? Cherish the good times y’all had, but life goes on and moves on.
If you’re asking reddit, you know what to do.
Let the wife know, be sure it’s presented in an adequate way so as not to be alarming because those messages are as mundane as possible.
Tell your wife. Tell your ex you don’t want to continue texting and wish her luck.
You’ve done nothing wrong, why are you so worried?
Just stop responding. No need to stress your wife out and make her wonder about something that hasn’t and will never happen. People drift apart. Your ex can just assume that you got a new number or just are to busy living in the present to think about the past.
If her family thinks you are rude because you didn’t respond to a text, well that’s pretty silly of them don’t you think? Best to just move forward.
Your wife isn’t your problem. Your family is if they get bent out of shape because you didn’t respond to a text.
Tell your wife you are annoyed at getting these texts because you don’t want family drama. Don’t respond to the next two texts from the ex or just block her. If they get mad, “so sorry, life is busy, must have missed the others” or “I don’t know what happened, was it an important text?”
Yeah tell her. But don’t make a big deal about it, since it seems it really isn’t a big deal.
Also, just let the conversation with your ex die naturally. Shouldn’t be too hard.
My husband would go “wow the weirdest thing just happened” and show me the texts. If you’re hiding it, it becomes a big deal.
>but at the same time I don’t know how to just tell the ex that I am not really interested in txting or her being in my life in anyway.
You can tell her by just not texting her or inviting her into your life in any way.
>I can’t just ghost her because her family is close to my family
So, presumably your wife already knows about her, right? If they are family friends, it shouldn’t be weird that you occasionally have contact right? So what is your issue here? Feel free to tell your wife that she reached out to you, if you’re worried she might get the wrong idea. But otherwise I don’t see anything here that requires any action on your part.
The fact that you are talking to Reddit, and not your wife, about this… makes me feel as if there are other communication issues that you and your wife need to work on. Should be a non issue to discuss an ex, and I would have mentioned probably immediately to my significant other that I heard from somebody in my past who was nice enough to reach out and say sorry about my mom passing.
Not just mentioning this when it happened, makes it awkward. As does not just sending a ‘Thanks, I appreciate your thoughts.’ text and leaving it at that. (maybe you did!)
If it is nothing, send a short reply of thanks, and ignore it. But you are here, posting, worried. Just talk to your wife and let her know it is bothering you that she reached out, you feel bad for not mentioning it, and that it makes you feel weird to hear from this person. If you do that, then you’ve cleared the air and shared some of your intimate feelings with your wife like a good partner. A++