Is it a red flag if someone refers to an extremely violent kink as “gross”?

14 comments

1. I would say that’s pretty normal. Anyone not into those things might have a tendency to call them gross. I don’t see that as a red flag

2. A red flag that someone finds rape gross?

   Er… no, that question is a red flag, though.

3. Some kinks are gross to people. The more extreme they are, the more gross it is to a majority not versed in that world.

   Rape, torture, and gore have very horrifying and traumatic consequences when it’s not in the context of a strictly consensual play fantasy. So it’s easy for people to see those who fantasize about them as “gross”.

   It’s a bit inconsiderate, but completely understandable reaction and not a red flag based on your context.

4. There are men you like getting their balls stomped on, women who like getting pissed on, and a ton of things I find fucked up and weird.

   But if they enjoy it, it’s consensual, and I don’t have to be a part of it, then it’s none of my business.

5. it’s a red flag if they don’t think that’s gross

6. Thinking that rape is gross is a good thing lol.

   I don’t think this person is experienced in kink though, from the phrase “latex whips and chains” and describing their list as “the darker side of kink” (hahaha). So in that context, it makes sense that they didn’t launch into a nuanced discussion about CNC or erotic torture scenes. What they said isn’t a “red flag”, but it’s a definite signal that they’re an inexperienced kinkster.

7. I mean, I guess to someone who’s not into that stuff, “gross” would be a way to describe their personal feelings about it. In the company of someone who enjoys them, it might not be the best word choice because I feel like it could be taken as judgemental. I’d call a gore fetish gross.

8. It’s a pretty good indication that the person who considers them to be gross would be incompatible with someone who is into those kinks.

   >Or is it just weird?

   Nothing weird about finding rape, torture, or gore to be turn-offs.

9. Actual rape and actual torture are in fact gross. People involved in kinks are not involved in actual rape and actual torture. But they are simulating acts that are gross. So it all gets complicated as to exactly what someone means when talking about these kind of things.

10. It’s only a “red flag” *if you want a partner who would participate* in those types of scenarios, and you learned he’s not the one for you because it is a turn off to him.

    Simply put when someone uses the word “gross” it means they are turned off by the idea.

    Different strokes for different folks.

    When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it’s usually best to move on.

    Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

    Ideally you want to find someone who already is what you want in a partner.

    No one is “stuck” with anyone. Suffering is optional.

    ***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud

    Best wishes!

11. Edit:

    i meant “gross” as an understatement. Those violent kinks are MORE than gross to me. They’re downright a no no and I’m cautious about sleeping with anyone who has them. I am sorry for any confusion!

12. Depends on your values. Personally I wouldn’t be with someone who said that because I’m against kink-shaming, and people who engage in it are not people I feel safe being my full sexual self around.

13. That’s a pretty typical response. I wouldn’t call it a red flag. Maybe a an immature way to respond in a kink discussion or to not sharing an interest in lighter kinks, but with these, not surprising. They are very extreme and will repulse most people.

14. Rape being refered as gross? Good for you.
    I don’t think that’s a red flag, I see some kinks as gross, but would never kinkshame people that are into them.