If you meet someone on a dating app and they (being me) initiated the first date, would you initiate a second date?
I’ve been on quite a number of first dates over the past few months, and while most of these dates are fine, for most of them I haven’t felt a strong enough connection to ask for a second date. However, I’m of the mindset that if they are interested and ask for a second date, I’d totally say yes to see how it goes. Odd thing is 99% of these dates haven’t reached out to express any interest, or initiate a second date. Really, the date turns out to be the last time we speak for most of them.
I perceive these dates as going well as I’m genuinely interested in learning about the other person and ask questions, listen intently, relate, crack jokes, make a ton of eye contact, maybe some flirting if I’m feeling that connection. I’m in the NYC area for reference, which I know has a crazy large dating pool. But still, if the date goes well, and you’re interested in continuing to get to know the person, do you ask for a second date?
48 comments
31F and as far as I can remember I’ve never asked a man on a first, second, or third date. Fourth date is generally when I feel comfortable enough to initiate.
Lol just here for the comments. They will be great.
My female friends, especially from NYC, would rather face the electric chair than do anything that would be considered “pursuing” a man..especially asking for a second date. That would be out of the question
Absolutely.
Probably not the second date, but maybe if we were still talking a bunch and no plans were being made.
I expect them to ask for the first and second. If it’s feeling mutual I’ll ask for the third.
ETA: in my experience, anyone who has been serious and interested in me has not hesitated to ask for the first, second, third, even fourth. I of course respond enthusiastically, help to plan and split costs after the first, tell them I’m having a great time and try to offer some vulnerability too.
👋🏼 🚺 Most times I won’t ask for a second date. The guys I’ve dated seem to be pretty yes-or-no. (If they’re interested in me, they’ll ask for a second date. If they’re not, they won’t.)
And while I’ll often “open the door” for a first date, I find when I’m really driving the train re: planning dates, the dude is lukewarm on me. And that’s just no fun / not the way I want to spend my time.
I will say I often follow up a great date with some kind of “compliment” text the next day, especially if I get the sense the guy was shy. But often the guy beats me to it.
If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it! And that’s okay. My current mantra: “If it’s not an absolute yes — or a ‘delightful maybe’ — it’s a no.” 🙂
>are fine, for most of them *I haven’t felt a strong enough connection to ask for a second date.* However, I’m of the mindset that if they are interested and *ask for a second date, I’d totally say yes to see how it goes*.
Nope and that’s exactly why. I wasn’t interested in going on a second date with someone who wasn’t otherwise interested in going on one with me, independently. Wasn’t interested in a “eh, why not I guess” date. I would send a “made it home. had a great time and would love to do it again some time” text when I got home if that rang true. If he reciprocated and inquired about scheduling a second date, I was happy to plan it from there.
I was an active pursuer in my 20s. It stopped serving me in my 30s.
Edit: also- back when I was asking for second dates I never got a no. What I did get was ghosted, stood up or canceled on short notice more often than not.
Absolutely. I just did like, a week ago. Why play games and wait around if you like someone and want to see them again?
Yeah I’ve initiated 2nd dates. Heck I’ve even initiated 1st dates.
I think it’s a lot of pressure to put on the guy to expect him to always be the one to initiate. Plus I’m often attracted to guys who are on the shy side. I told myself if I wanted anything to happen with them, I best get comfortable being the one to initiate otherwise there was a good chance things wouldn’t go anywhere.
But I’m curious to see how common this is in the comments. Advice I get from both women and men friends is that I should “wait” for the guy to be the one to ask me out 🤷♀️.
Yep.
Of course! I am assertive by nature and will be proactive in communicating a desire/plans for a 2nd date should I want one. Though I usually make my enthusiasm of a person abundantly clear at the end of the 1st date, so my asking for a 2nd should be unsurprising.
If I’m interested I have no problem initiating the second date (or the first date, third date, whatev – as long as I’m not initiating *all* the dates)
I usually express vague interest in a second date first often but I wouldn’t actually push for concrete plans unless I got the same vibe back from them in response, as I don’t want to be pursuing someone who hasn’t expressed mutual interest.
I took the dating advice “go on a second date if you’re still curious about him”. Not excited, no spark, not even necessarily attraction. So after the first date of I have any remaining curiosity, I’ll be the first to text something like “that was fun! Let me know if you want to meet up again!” Because I hate waiting around and wondering.
Most of the time the guy will say “yeah totally! Good night.” And I never hear from him again. Which is fine. I do feel slightly dumb because I just opened myself up to getting rejected by a guy I was only marginally curious about, but whatever.
I do, I’ve even initiated a first date. As long as the other person is suggesting dates too, then there’s clearly a mutual interest there and I would continue to ask as long as I’m interested. Once it becomes one sided, then I stop asking
Nope. Mainly because I’ve found that men don’t respond well to it. As much as I’d love for dating to be egalitarian, it seems deep down most men still want to be the pursuers early on. When I’ve taken more initiative early on and asked them on a date their interest has cooled. So I’ve learned to accept the situation for what it is and respond enthusiastically when asked.
I asked someone for a second date once! …. It didn’t end up working out.
Now, I express interest in a date without asking. “Let me know if you want to go out again!” Etc
So I’ll say that after many first dates, I don’t initiate a 2nd date if there was no mention of interest in one on the first, but if a guy HAS expressed that he’s interested in a 2nd during the first, I’ll initiate at least confirming via text after that I’m down for a 2nd since I’ve had male friends tell me they’ll vocalize interest in a 2nd date while in person on the first date but know women can sometimes feel pressured in person to feign interest for safety reasons and want to leave the ball in their court to at least follow up on if they genuinely are interested in a 2nd.
So that’s when I will at least confirm interest in a 2nd date.
Yes, all the time. Worst that can happen is that they say no
Never, but if i really like the person i will send a text that I had a good time, let me know if you want to go out again.
Absolutely not. I’ll be downvoted to hell but there is no reason for an attractive woman to be asking men on dates. Sorry not sorry.
35F here, I always let my dates know “I would like to hang out with you again” but not initiate the second date. If he’s not interested in me enough to make a move then I’m good, I’m moving on.
I would consider it and I’ve tried, but I generally don’t feel like pursuing dates unless we both seem into it. And if the guy is interested, they pretty much always let you know right away.
I’ve had a lot of situations where I figured the same thing – “not sure it’s a good match but if they reach out, I’ll try.” 90% if the time even if the date seemed to go “well” I feel like people can immediately pick up on the lack of real interest and don’t pursue. Prob for the best
No. In my experience if you pursue a man he will use you for convenient entertainment/sex until someone that makes him want to pursue comes along.
Based on a lot of experience being the initiator… I will ask a man out on the first date and wait for him to ask me on the second. It feels like game playing but I’ve had way too many men just go along with it because they like me enough to keep seeing me, but not enough to put in real effort.
No never. I prefer men who lead, make decisions and know what they want.
I feel it’s important for the male of the potential relationship to show he’s interested. I don’t feel I can force a man to commit etc. He has to do that on his own.
He needs to feel it out, if he sees there is a possibility for something more, he will pursue. If he didn’t like the first date he won’t pursue.
I’m also not coming with a lot of relationship experience so I’m depending on him to know what works for him, his judgement of the situation, etc.
Add: I think a lot of the questions we see on 40+ are from women who did pursue and now have become insecure in their relationships, “does he really like me, why won’t he commit, etc.”
I don’t really understand what the difference is between a man or a woman asking for a second date.
I’m a woman and if I like someone, then yes I’ll ask them. Why not? Usually though I prefer to wait till the next day to sleep on it and get a breather after the date. By then the guy has usually initiated himself but if not then I’ll gladly do it.
I like to go after what I want.
As a lady I always initiate if I’m interested. No matter how many number of dates it’s been. I mostly say “hey I’m having such a good time!” And if they agree I say “I’d love to see you again” or we make a plan.
I don’t mind asking and planning the second date (usually I don’t have to) but admittedly you said the dates were just “fine”. It’s likely they aren’t asking because it was only “fine” for them too. If I’m honest I’m not likely to put much effort into seeing a man again if I left feeling like it was just ok but not good or great.
It depends. If I had a good time, I’ll usually send a message saying thank you for a good time and I wouldn’t mind getting together again, then leave it there. This is even more likely to happen if they text me to find out if I got home safe.
However, what you wrote, OP, is exactly *why* a lot of women DON’T initiate a second date. Let’s face it, a man who is actually interested in them will usually reach out for another date, these men aren’t going “Well, I really liked them, but I’ll sit back and wait to see if they want to go on another date”. That just doesn’t happen because we know how dating apps are, you better strike while the iron is hot, lol. OP, you are saying you’re not really that interested in these women, but would go on a second date ***if*** they asked. That doesn’t sound like someone interested. So, why are you even worried if you didn’t feel a strong enough connection in the first place? Thing is, they probably didn’t feel one, either, or you give off the vibe that you weren’t that interested (especially by not asking them on another date), so they don’t say anything. Move onto find women you are interested in. And if you keep sitting back waiting on them to ask you out again, you’ll keep only getting first dates. Might suck, but that tends to be how it is.
I‘ll initiate the first date via OLD, but never the second. Before the first date, you don’t know each other at all and the interest is purely based on your profile. If we matched and there is a nice conversation, I can be pretty sure that the guy wants to meet me, but some are too slow/shy so I’ll initiate. After the first date though, I never reach out first because then the interest is based on the actual meeting in person. I want to make sure the guy is interested enough to reach out and ask for a second date.
I’m a woman and I’ve learned to never initiate. Not because I don’t want to, not because I’m old fashioned. Not because I believe men need to “work for it” and not because I like to play games.
It’s because I’ve learned that’s a really good way to get used by men. Soooo many out there who will gladly take up my time and energy, revel in my attention and kindness, not to mention sex… simply because they don’t have to say “no.”
When a relationship progresses I’m glad to initiate and plan dates, chip in for meals and entertainment, etc. but in the very beginning, NOPE.
Edit a word
Absolutely I will, why not? If I enjoyed the first date quite often I will send a message afterwards saying something like:
“hey I had a great time today, we should do this again”
It gets the ball rolling for date two and leaves no confusion about how you feel. So many of my guy friends complain about the dating scene, mixed signals etc. if you like someone let them know!
You don’t seem all that interested in the women so you’re not asking for a second date. I haven’t had to ask anyone on a second date. The men who are interested generally ask by the end of the first date or in the next day or two. It’s been rare for me to walk away from a date thinking we had a great time and there hasn’t been a follow up from the man for a second. I have walked away from dates where it’s been lukewarm and it fizzles or I don’t hear from the guy for a week or two but at that point I’ve moved on.
Yep! I worry sometimes that I’ll come off as too interested by initiating (my guy friend tells me a woman is into attractive when you have to chase her), but if I’m interested, I’m interested. I tend to feel more comfortable initiating after the second date, but I have definitely initiated a second with men I’m into.
ETA: I also don’t hesitate to be the first to text after a good first date.
Yeah, if I had fun I have no issue with inviting for a second one.
If a date went well and he seems enthusiastic about me, then absolutely yes. If I want to see someone, I tell them. It’s as simple as that. However, if I was on the fence or felt *meh* about the date, I probably wouldn’t ask for another one myself but would probably still go if he asked me out again.
That being said, a guy initiating and planning a date is BIG turn on!
I’m a guy and I honestly hate the entire score keeping of what date we’re on. My approach is to express interest if I’m interested, be honest after a date if I’m not and just let it be what it will be.
I think anyone laying out a bunch of rules for what happens on which date in some sort of rigid order and hard rules for who needs to ask who is making it more of a game than a genuine connection. As a guy if I get hints of this, my interest will immediately drop. I understand caution because of all the crap that can come with dating apps, but I still think it serves everyone to actually engage and respond to the person at hand. I want her to respond to me and whatever she feels, not a laundry list of dos and don’ts.
Also, especially 1st dates can run a bit cool or awkward even between people who are potentially great matches. People who are kind of crap at being an early date can be incredible partners. If you never take a second date after an okay but not great 1st date, you will always miss these chances. At the same time, no one likes wasting time. It’s a balance.
With my now partner I initiated the first and second date. He was just not initiating quick enough and I got impatient (I wasn’t “head over heels” for him but I was, like you, interested in getting to know him more). I did tell him at the end of the second that he’ll have to plan the next one, and he set up a lovely third date (and many more after).
Edit to say: he told me later that he was waiting with the first date because he was worried I would ghost him if he invites me too early, as had happened to him before. It might be worth considering that on the other side, someone might be nervous as well.
The ones who are interested and worth your time do. If at that point a women can’t be reciprocal and show at least some effort or interest, then either they aren’t interested, or they are looking for a pursuer more than a partner.
If I want one then yea, I’ll ask for another/ suggest meeting again.
I have a general rule that an interesting first date deserves a second. Sparks don’t always fly the first time.
As a man, I have no problems asking for the second date if I thought the first one was fun. I still feel most ladies like to be invited for the second one, and that’s just fine for me.
In the past I have initiated second dates and I don’t mind doing so if it is clear there is still mutual interest in each other. I prefer taking turns in planning dates anyway because that’s the type of relationship I’m looking for.
I will not initiate a second date if I notice the other person gives me anything other than an enthusiastic response to the idea of meeting up again. If I sense someone is indifferent, what is the point in forcing it?
I ask for a second if I actually want one, sure, especially if I didn’t ask for the first date (which I often do, as well). I don’t think men should have to do all of the chasing and asking.
I will stop asking if it all feels too one-sided or if I’m not getting particularly enthusiastic responses, which I’d expect a man to do as well, so I can’t be a hypocrite about it.
Well I have hundreds of messages and might be talking to several men at once. From my point of view, I’m gonna sit back and go with the one who is the most present, puts in the most effort. So I wouldn’t initiate a second date. I’ve also put in a lot of effort to dating and guys told me they only went with me because I showed effort, not because they found me attractive or charming. I know it sounds like that’s what I’m doing but it’s not, I find all these men attractive and very interesting, I just need someone who can stand out and really show me they want to get to know me. I’ve done the same for guys, they usually take advantage of it.
(also men, please stop dating women you aren’t attracted to??? what the hell)
I’m a woman and I find the fact this question even exists depressing as hell. It’s 2023, surely it’s time to move away from gendered expectations.
Yes, if I like them, I will ask. Especially if they asked for the first.
As a male, I don’t any more. I used to almost always ask for a second date within a day if the first was good to great, but got the “no connection” message 9 out of 10 times. So I don’t even waste my time asking any more, if they are interested they will keep text conversation flowing in the following days, then I might ask for a second or wait for them to ask.
After reading the all the women’s thoughts and experiences if men **STILL** dont understand why they should **never** offer an elaborate dinner date as first 5 dates…. then they will never learn.