31M, Ive been single since 2013. I have tried dating apps (tinder, hinge, bumble, pof) in years past. Ive tried cold approaches, Ive tried coworkers, Ive tried in college. The most I ever got was a FWB that lasted a few weeks.
I hopped back onto the apps after a 3 year break and moving to a new location. I have ran out of swipes, I have 0 matches, and only a couple likes between both bumble and tinder. I am at a loss.
Profile has been vetted, edited, and re-editted by several friends both male and female. Ive been told I look attractive, funny, smart, and a catch…
What is a lonely guy to do? Being single has just driven my confidence and depression to a low that just keeps getting worse. I just want to be loved, I just want someone to love, I want to share my life with someone.
19 comments
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You and I (32M) are in the exact same boat. I know how much loneliness can suck, I know there are some days that are much harder than others. All I can really say is just keep focusing on doing what makes YOU happy. Keep up with your hobbies and treat yourself. I know how cliche it sounds, but make sure to prioritize your self care and love. The best relationship we can ever have in life is the one with ourselves.
It’s okay to be lonely, I can see you’ve been working so hard to reach your goal of sharing your life with someone. I’m proud of you and I believe in you.
Chin up, King. You’re not alone.
26M and I’ve been single since 1997 lol so I know how you feel. I’ve also been told I’m funny, smart, and a catch (and honestly I know I am those things in spades), but don’t get told I’m attractive because I’m not. So in my case, I know what the reason is, which isn’t much but I imagine being attractive and still failing would be even worse so I’m sorry that’s your situation.
This is gonna sound bad but my advice is honestly just give up. I don’t mean stop trying, I just mean stop investing any emotion or effort into it to the best extent that you can. Every single time I get invested, I end up sadder than before. I still do it too, like if I get a match every couple of weeks or even months and there’s more than like three messages between us I can feel myself starting to get really excited and fantasizing about going on dates, getting into a relationship, but inevitably they just stop responding every time. So instead I keep swiping in the background of my life and try to meet people as best I can, but I never ever expect anything to work out and I do my best to avoid ruminating on it.
I fully expect to die alone and I’ve just spent a lot of time to work on accepting that and being okay with it. This way, if it really does work out one day it’ll just be like a bonus instead of something that needed to be checked off. Set other goals for yourself that you can control, and work toward them. The way I’ve come to see it is that life works differently for everyone, and there’s no one experience that everyone has. Some people are destined to be alone the same way some people will never own a house or have children. It’s up to us to fill our lives with other meaningful things because the universe doesn’t care what we want, only we do.
Have you asked friends if they know any single women who might be a match?
I noticed on your profile it said you’re in a small town – that can make dating tricky. Is there a larger town nearish by you could include in your search radius?
Approach people in real life.
Forced events meet lots of women.
Speed dating events maybe. Expect 30 dates to one potential
> I hopped back onto the apps after a 3 year break and moving to a new location. I have ran out of swipes, I have 0 matches, and only a couple likes between both bumble and tinder. I am at a loss.
> Profile has been vetted, edited, and re-editted by several friends both male and female. Ive been told I look attractive, funny, smart, and a catch…
Well, the women on apps have different opinions than your friends. The population density will definitely hold you back, but only a couple likes is still low. Ive still gotten handfuls of matches in a town of <15k. I’m guessing your pictures aren’t great.
In a comment you said this about cold approach:
> Ive tried… I get ignored or “ew no”
Ok, this is a bad sign. Getting ignored is normal, getting ignored every time is not, and “ew no” is definitely not a normal response here. This is sounds like an appearance issue (are you overweight or dress badly?). It’s possible something about your body language is really off. I’m having a hard time imagining getting “ew no’s” from cold approach in smaller towns.
But in towns like that, you aren’t going to get that many cold approach opportunities unless you’re in some exceptionally walkable compact place. Meeting women through social events, parties, etc is going to be more useful, and you’re going to probably want to play the long game more with them since you’ll have less options in general.
Definitely don’t listen to the comments saying give up and accept your loneliness lol
knowing you, if you were a girl and you saw you, woukd you date you?
In terms of getting what we want or desire in life yoi can do as much as you humanly can but such as the laws of the universe you dont attract what you want. You attract what you are.
You want such and such? To be loved and to love etc, how can a person be attracted to that kind of energy, ita draining.
Because you arw jotnsure what to do tell me you are not aware of one thing. If you dont control your emotions, it will control you. In sayingv this youare probably reacting to your environment where ita fill of despair and loneliness because you have made it so.
A little advice. When yoj are uncomfortable with your surroundings all you have to do is chanhe yoir perspective.
Ok, you’re in the prime dating age so even though you’re in a small town, you should be getting some matches & occasionally accepted when you approach IRL. So please take this with the respect it’s intended: is it possible that you’re trying to punch above your weight?
What I mean is, are you only swiping & approaching women who are very conventionally attractive? If so, you’ve gotta remember that the ratio of men to women can be as high as 9:1 on these apps, so unless you’re better than all the other men who are swiping them, you’re not getting their attention. If I go on dating apps, I literally get >100 in an hour. Granted that’s in a big city, but I can’t possibly look through all those. I really only see the SuperLikes or the guys who pay to go to the top.
Since you ran out of likes, it means you’re not paying, as I understand it. If the ratio of men is bad in your area, I guarantee you that other men are paying & they swipe every woman. Be realistic & if you’re truly ready for love, open yourself up to women who may not be your ideal preference ON PAPER, but could be great in person. This might include women with kids, all ethnicities, divorced, older, etc. I’m not suggesting you settle, but if you’re getting literally ZERO dates, then you’re not even in a position to gain experience. We all get rusty if we don’t socialize.
Lastly, can you join a church, meditation/ yoga center, or charity like Habitat For Humanity? What about Meetups? Try to embrace your interests & make IRL connections. Even if you don’t find love instantly, you’ll become a more interesting person when the right one does come along. ❤️
I’m sorry to hear that OP.
Have you tried filtering your preferences? Do you just wait for a match? Did you try reaching out/sending messages to women you like or think you have common interests with?
Your corgi would be a good conversation starter. I mean there are ways to actually connect and start somewhere.
I have been on dating apps as well and one of the things I find effective is knowing what I want, a standard for the looks first (its love at first sight not personality), hobbies and interests and then personality. If I don’t match him I reach out and message him, if he responds I continue, if he doesn’t I move on.
Who’s doesn’t want to find their partner? A connection with someone is magical. Hopefully you find what you’re looking for.
And I thought I, at 22(M), had it rough but wow. Everything you said is everything I feel.
Granted I myself into situations where I didnt have much social interaction, e.g. I didnt go to uni, but its still sucks utter ass.
And everyone just says ‘work on yourself’, or ‘It’ll happen eventually’. Nothing pisses me off more.
I constantly work my ass off every day to better myself, whether it be financial, physical or mental, I always strive to better, and have been doing so for 4 years now, and still nothing.
I know I have many more years ahead of me but honestly, if theyre as pain filled and lonley as you guys’, I just dont see the point. Thats not a life I wanna live to be frank
Dude give up on the apps. I’m 32 and have a similar background minus the FWB. Two relationships that were more of a coping tool for where I was in life. I’d never dated anyone prior to my first ex at 27. Both of these women were met through dating apps and, being honest, both situations were more about realizing I had to date if I wanted to learn…anyway, the point is, both of those relationships were more about me being therapist and them trying to remain children so I can relate to your feeling at a loss. I’ve learned a lot, but most specifically what it is I don’t want in a relationship.
Dating today is broken, dude. Dating apps don’t help. The ratios of men to women are so skewed it’s an uphill battle just getting on a woman’s radar. Then, assuming she does match with you, she likely has a number others in the chamber. Without any exaggeration, I’ve received maybe 5 matches in the ~7 years I’ve spent on and off dating apps, yet have sent out literally hundreds of messages and probably close to 1,000 swipes. It’s like a full time job that gives zero return.
My best suggestion would be to communicate your mental space and hopes to friends and family that really know you and are willing to help. I don’t know many people that are now in successful relationships thanks to dating apps or just randomly meeting the person in public. I’m not saying it can’t happen, but that would be in the extreme minority and you’re already dealing with mental health stuff. Focus on you and ask those that have your back to keep you in mind if they meet someone. I don’t have much more advice beyond this shit fuckin sucks and I’m here next to you in it. It isn’t going to fix the loneliness, but at least you can commiserate knowing it isn’t *you*. If you want to vent, my inbox is open.
I’ve been where you’re at throughout my life in and out. What you feel puts you down. What I decided for my life was live my life for me. I do everything alone, cook, clean and have fun. My line of work only allows me to be one day at home per week, my holidays can’t be more than 2 weeks each time. I have room for someone in my life but it’s like a vacant room in my house it doesn’t really matter. My advice… Build your life for yourself, life for yourself it isn’t selfishness. If someone comes along for the ride fine if it doesn’t you won’t fall apart.
DAte me instead, I’ll save you xD
Let me jump in with another perspective: how are your finances? are you doing good? are you in top health? I want to know that first, to give you my best advice.
34M here. My experience with OLD is that Bumble has really died down from when I started using it around 2018-2019. I’ve had the most luck recently with Hinge. This summer using Bumble I had maybe 10 matches over a few weeks, during the same period I had 30+ matches on Hinge. Feel free to message me your profile and I can give you unbiased feedback.
Totally understand that feeling, man! You’re definitely not alone.
Question: do you have any good, life-enhancing hobbies that you enjoy? I would recommend on building upon those and going out to groups with those hobbies.
Also, do you have rock solid friendships that you can spend time with and lean on?
The worst thing I can tell you, that everyone says and absolutely sucks to hear, is that you should be able to be content with yourself. In my experience, people can sense desperation (and as a result a lack of confidence) a mile away. And very little is as attractive as confidence. My personal recommendation is go and enjoy your hobbies, perhaps in groups, and to build on yourself so that you can have confidence without a girl. The quick fix in your situation of finding someone is not the best one.
So are I having trouble with the initial contact and such or the after contact getting dates and more dates then relationship?
I’m just going to chime in with a reminder that dating apps are designed to make money, and the algorithms are not kind to most people. It’s an absolute mess.
You will be better off meeting someone in person. You should cultivate a life that you enjoy, and from there you are more likely to attract someone.
If you’re struggling with low confidence and self-esteem, then I recommend taking a break from the apps, and getting therapy.