Five years ago I caught my husband cheating. It lasted about 4 months. He ended it after I found out. We’ve had a better relationship since then and we have sex often. He’s always had a thing for a woman he works with. She’s 10 years younger. He got a new phone and his text started to show up on an old iPad I started using again. I haven’t told him I know about the messages. She’s told him several times that she won’t have a relationship with a married man but they continue to flirt with each other. If I tell him I know he’ll be furious. I also don’t want him to know because I want to be able to stop this if it goes too far because so far she’s adamantly refused to meet with him. What should I do? Should I message her or call her and ask her to stop messaging with him?
38 comments
Why will he be furious if you tell him you know he’s trying to cheat on you again because of his carelessness? What will he do if he is furious?
Surely there’s a way to shame him without the nuclear option (which is what contacting this other woman would be). She clearly thinks he’s a joke so it’s not like you have to worry that she’s actually interested. Maybe concoct something you “read in the news” about an older married man harassing a younger coworker and ending up in legal trouble over it (which is entirely possible if they work together). Stress that you’re so relieved he’d never be so stupid. You seem to be focused on the idea that he’d cheat when you should really be worried that he’s setting himself up for a Human Resources nightmare, getting fired and having his reputation so ruined by a sexual harassment charge that he’ll never be able to work again. This woman is very likely just playing along because she’s trying to not make a big scene in her workplace. But if he doesn’t stop this she’d be absolutely within her rights to destroy him.
Why on earth would you message HER?
Either tell your husband you know and tell HIM to stop this and/or file for divorce.
For real, why do you think you have to tolerate this?
If neither of those options came to mind for you you may want to consider therapy to help you process this or post it in r/survivinginfidelity because it seems like your husband is nothing more than just a basic cheater (fyi, he’s texting one woman that you KNOW of) and if I had to guess I would say he wont stop this behavior anytime soon.
I hope things work out how you want them to🧡
You have no business messaging the other lady! The other lady is not the problem and It’s not her you should speak with it’s your husband!
Unless your happy with your husband cheating then there is no problem but if you aren’t happy with your husband stepping out then this is something you definitely should address with him.
Ask yourself if your truly happy to stay with someone that seems to constantly cheat?
Him being furious? You should be the one that is upset and furious over this situation not him
If you can’t speak to your husband over things like this is the relationship worth the trouble ?
Show up to his work and bring him a surprise lunch. Introduce yourself to the female coworker. Read their conversation after and you’ll have a good idea whether the affair is legit or if she really doesn’t mess around with married men.
Lol lady! Your husband keeps messaging her, that’s embarrassing enough. Don’t embarrass yourself by going to her. Deal with it inside.
He’s the idiot that doesn’t realize his phone is synced to the iPad. He’s old and a loser for cheating.
screenshot the messages and send them to your personal device so they can’t disappear
you’ll want those for divorce proceedings
Your husband is set on having an affair, you can’t stop that. You should be gathering evidence. Not living in lala land thinking if you keep snooping then by some miracle your cozy life isn’t gonna get blown up. You can’t stop him.
Why are you focusing on her? She made no vows to you. Your dog of a husband did and he’s showing you yet again that he’s not trustworthy. Accept that you’re going to stay with a cheater or make a plan to leave. Those are really your only options.
So you are worried that he will be furious that you read the texts of him trying to have a relationship with another woman.
I think you are the one who should be furious.
Tell her to stop messaging him??, how about you sort your husband out..
He going to keep on cheating sound like you have very low self esteem.. ‘oh he messaging someone to meet up and fuck 🤷🏻♀️ meh’
You really should be telling him you know and that it’s over he had his second chance he doesn’t get another
Why do you hate yourself so much and want to stay with him. He cheated on you probably multiple times and will not stop. And you want to ask HER TO STOP? Girl bffr the woman here is not the problem your disgusting old Husband is
Privacy is information you are keeping to yourself, secrecy is information you are intentionally hiding from your spouse.
He will accuse you of invading his privacy, but that’s not what you did…… what you did was uncover his secrets, in this case an attempt to enter into an inappropriate relationship that betrays your marriage.
Before you confront, make sure you save ALL the evidence, and take a look on that iPad for more. See a lawyer, get a divorce agreement, and have it and the evidence together. Don’t confront or argue, tell him simply that you would rather divorce now than go thru him cheating again. Tell him what you know, but not how you know it. If he asks how, tell him that’s non of his business.
Unless he is ready to go NC with this woman, and that means he goes totally no contact including a new job, then you are going to file and then he can chase her all he wants. Then walk away, and go 180/Grey Rock.
>What should I do?
Tell him that you know and call a divorce lawyer
When will you hold him accountable for his infidelity?
That’s the only answer I have for you.
Divorce. Divorce. Divorce. He’s a liar and is going to continue to do this. He clearly has no respect for you. If the tables were turned in sure he would leave you. Once is enough, he should’ve learned his lesson then.
Get some dignity and divorce this loser
Do not msg the other lady, she is not the one who stood on front of their family and took vows.
You msging her may stop the current affair but there will be other women because your husband does not respect you.
Do you see the pattern? You have a husband issue.
I would be seeking legal advice for a divorce he has shown he has zero respect for you and your marriage.
Start emptying the bank accounts while slowly amassing the evidence. Only have your assets in cash or hidden. Then call an attorney.Your marriage is a sham.
Doesn’t sound like there’s love here at all. This is just my opinion and observation, but you’ve been together since you were 20 years old. So I am assuming that neither of you had many partners before each other.
It sounds to me like your self confidence and esteem is in the gutter. And you’d rather stay in a relationship where you are disrespected than be on your own. I get it, but believe me, you are worth so much more than this shit. And if he was any kind of man he would’ve simply left you rather than snooping around and disrespecting you like this.
If you message this woman it will get back to him and either way he’ll know you’ve seen the messages. Let him be furious, YOU should be the furious one.
Leave this man, for as long as you’re in this relationship, the person out there for you could end up with someone else. I hope you are truly happy with any path you decide to take, but this stranger sincerely hopes you find it in yourself to walk away.
It’s not the other woman’s responsibility to stop messaging him. It’s your husband’s responsibility to know where the line draws, but he clearly is line-blind.
You need to talk to him, not her. What she is doing is wrong too, but he is the one in a commitment with you.
You NEVER need to settle for anyone who is that easily tempted to turn their head.
Can you find a way to confront him without giving up that you are getting his texts on the ipad? Keeping access to his texting activity on the ipad will help you keep tabs on him if he tells you he is ending it with her to work on your relationship. Don’t give up that information flow.
I’m afraid this isn’t the second time he’s cheated, merely the second time he’s been caught. It’s clear he would already have gotten physical with this woman if she was willing and he’s doing this knowing full well the damage his last affair did to you. I won’t go so far as to say he doesn’t love you, but I will tell you he doesn’t love you enough.
I know how daunting the idea of starting over can be after so long with one person, but you deserve more than this. You deserve a partner who puts in the same energy you do. You deserve someone’s full attention. I won’t tell you what the right move is, I don’t know you or your relationship, but I do hope you do right by yourself.
You should without question handle this like the FBI 😭 The FBI will allow someone to think they’re getting away with something for a long time and then hit them with a mountain of undeniable evidence that they can’t deny. Let him dig himself the biggest hole until he has no choice but to accept whatever consequences it is you have for him
He’ll be furious? You should be furious….
Unfortunately, I think you need to speak to a divorce attorney to see what your rights are.
They are leading to an affair by continuing to communicate. Her telling him ‘she won’t have a relationship with a married man’ only means he might divorce you to be with her.
Go see an attorney and continue to watch their communication. Also, take your Ipad with you to the attorney so they can have it for their records.
if he has cheated before and is now doing it again i say leave him. i know it’s hard and heartbreaking especially since you have been married for so long but you deserve better. He will get what’s coming to him.
I don’t have any good advice, so here’s some bad advice:
Get a dry erase marker. Write out the texts on the refrigerator door. When your husband freaks out about it tell him you saw it in a dream. He’ll think your a witch and never cross you again!
The good advice is coming from the people telling you to screen shot everything and talk to a lawyer first. But my bad advice is WAY more fun
I have an even better idea, how about you grow a backbone, get sum self respect and divorce your cheating husband. You’re basically signing your happiness away by being with him.
WHY would you consider confronting the woman who is telling him no?!?! WTF, WHY are you making this her problem/issue, when it is your husband who is pushing it? If this woman backs off, he will just go find another. It’s sickening that your making her responsible for your husbands lack of integrity, character, values, morals etc
After reading the other comments and your responses to them.
Stop trying to save a marriage he is actively and repeatedly trying to destroy.
Find an attorney and plan your exit.
Honestly he’s probably been doing this for yalls entire relationship and you’re lucky he hasn’t brought an STD home to you. Gather your evidence and go get a divorce. Why should YOU be the one worried about someone being furious?!? YOU SHOULD BE FURIOUS. The amount of disrespect, disregard, and indifference about yalls relationship that he’s displaying is repulsive tbh. Get yourself a divorce and actually enjoy your golden yrs. Don’t cater to the POS
He continues to cheat because he knows you will do absolutely nothing but turn a blind eye and stay with him. You won’t stop the affair turning sexual, he knows there are no consequences for his marriage if it does. I feel sad for you continuing to live this way. Please find the strength to leave him.
I wouldn’t confront her at all. She clearly doesn’t want to be involved with a married man, whether she’s attracted to him or not. Also, do you think she won’t tell him if you do so? Every single time I have ever confronted another woman about talking to a man I was with, the first thing they do is go back to him and mention it.
If you don’t want him to know that you know, you say nothing. Stack up all your evidence, do not let him know you have any, and confront him with divorce papers when you decide to leave his sorry ass. He has some set on him to be furious with you over HIS actions. You obviously don’t trust him for good reason, stick to that gut feeling and let him go. You deserve better and after 30 years, he is not going to change.
Seriously lady, work on your damn husband. Either confront him or divorce him. Personally I’d divorce him. He cheated once, he’s emotionally cheating now, and you think it’s going to stop???