I’ve been friends with this person for a few years, we used to go to the same school together and that’s where we met. After the pandemic we both started college and only really hung out during breaks. Sometimes I’ll suggest we hang out and sometimes she’ll suggest it. But I’ve noticed that in the past I think 1-2 years she’s been backing out of plans at the last minute no matter who suggested it.
One time she canceled literally 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet up (I was mid-drive to her place). Another time we had plans to hang out in the morning and she kept pushing off the time we were supposed to meet up by an hour again and again until she finally just said she wasn’t available that day (I’d said no to plans with other firends because she said she wanted to hang out that day). Another time we were supposed to meet up and I got ready and reached the meet up spot only for her to not respond to my texts until 2 hours later (I went back home by then). Because of things like this, we haven’t actually hung out one-on-one together in person for the past year, despite making multiple plans to, we just texted.
My first thought was that she just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I was bothering her, so I tried just stopping asking her to hang out, but then she’d be the one to suggest we hang out or get lunch together.
Then I thought she was just really busy, but her excuses for canceling would be things like “I forgot to do the dishes” or “I have some homework I need to finish”, and one time (the time when she didn’t respond to my text for 2 hours) it was just that she’d overslept (it was 5 pm).
If she was a shitty person then maybe I’d think she was just messing with me, but she’s a really sweet person, really smart, and everyone in our friend group loves her. She’s the type of person who could never hurt a fly.
I’m not sure what’s going on. We text a lot and she makes it on time whenever we make plans with our friend group to all hang out together and seems to like me. So I’m not sure if I did something or if there’s something else going on.
Any ideas for why this is happening? Why does she cancel plans even if she’s the one who made them? Has anyone else dealt with something like this?
31 comments
Maybe she psychs herself out or anxiety builds up to insurmountable levels. We cant know and in the end it doesn’t really matter much why, it matters what the outcome is
She can’t be relied on to keep plans. So I wouldnt prioritze plans with her over other stuff, and id only agree to plans that I can do without this person and go when anyway when they inevitably cancel
It just sounds like you’re not a priority to her. I have friends like this and I recommend just not even agreeing to plans anymore or bringing it up to her. It’s inconsiderate.
That so called friend is self absorbed, and has zero respect for YOUR time. Maybe it’s time to step away from that. Her excuses are pathetic.
This is a social skills problem with her, not you. Resist the urge to take any of it personally by thinking that you’re bothering her or she doesn’t care about your friendship–it sounds like she does because she is still continuing to talk with you and make plans (even though she doesn’t follow through.) My honest guess is that she is struggling with social anxiety, or maybe ADHD, and is trying to come up with excuses to hide it. She will benefit from learning to be honest and vulnerable about her issues keeping commitments, but thats for her to figure out on her own or with a therapist.
Often redditors’ advice to this kind of thing is just to cut her off right away because of the assumption that she is a bad friend and doesn’t care about you. I’d recommend giving her some benefit of the doubt first, because that’s what we all hope people will give us when we’re experiencing some social ineptness.
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It’s as simple as saying “Every time we make plans you cancel, and I don’t appreciate that you back out each time. If you really do want to hang out with me I need that to change.”
If that’s too confrontational for them, you haven’t really lost anything.
I would ask her to her face. Why not? It lets her know how irritating it is and it beats ghosting.
Sounds like your friend has a social anxiety or some other issues. I wouldn’t take it personally but I would communicate with your friend that it’s not okay to do those things to you all the time as they must respect your time. Maybe offer alternative hang out plans that could be easier to handle for her, like just chilling at home or going to movies
My assumption would be depression, anxiety or chronic pain. Lots of times that causes last minute struggles and ditching.
Do you still wanna hang with them? Like serious question here. If you don’t, just only hang out with them in major groups.
If yes, you are probably going to have to be blunt and ask why. Ask if they are having a hard time. Be willing to wiggle around plans. I’ve had times where I was in depression hell and had to admit it and got a text back like ok but also I can be at your place in ’45 min, give you time to shower and we can walk to get icecream down the street’ and took them up on those. Now it’s on me to communicate that, but like, the offer and genuine look bro I don’t care if your in PJs vibes helped. I’d also try smaller group plans if you go this route. Tons of people is lots of stress.
What is happening is you need to set standards for what you will accept and what you won’t. She wants to meet up? She needs to plan, she needs to confirm and she needs to come to you. You’ve already done too much. She needs to show up now.
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Perhaps she wants to go out and do activities with you, but when it’s actually the day to do it she loses motivation to go. Then ends up making excuses because she doesn’t know how to communicate to you.
That actually used to happen to me, used to have people ask me to go to places and at the time I felt excited and down to go anywhere. But then when the time came I just didn’t want to go out.
Made better plans with someone
I had a friend exactly like this. She would suggest meeting up and then back out like 15 minutes before we were supposed to meet. After a few of these, I told her I won’t be making plans with her anymore.. But if she happens to be in my neighborhood and I happen to be free, we can hang out. She was a bit offended, but I told her I cannot plan my day around her just to have her cancel multiple times (this is when my baby was small, so I would make sure to have childcare, etc). If your friend cannot understand that your time is valuable, then they don’t deserve your time.
It definitely could be depression. You wanna go out and do stuff … you think that you should, you want to see a friend, and then you psych yourself up to get ready and go… And then it’s just such a struggle to get out of the house.
Can you ask them why? I feel like she’s the only person who could possibly know why. You can phrase it as “I noticed the last X times we tried to hang out you cancelled. Why is that?”
Maybe conversation could give more insight. Unless they are already extremely apologetic, I think you should let them know it’s inconvenient and hurtful to you, especially when it happens last minute without communication. I wouldnt mine someone canceling, but I have a big issue with someone flaking without even messaging. I would personally tell them that if that specifically happens again I don’t think I can hang out anymore.
Anxiety
Sounds like anxiety. I struggle with it from time to time and when in the past it was pretty much a constant state I’d always back out of plans last second.
You don’t need to know the reasons, you just need to know if you want to keep up with this behaviour
It’s the squirrel-nut-experiment: the highest form of addiction is not when you get a reward everytime for you actions but when you get a reward once in a while.
The plans with this girl work out once in a while; so your addiction overlooks the six times inbetween that she canceled and you want to try „just one more time“
Get rid of this, you don’t need that in your life. Especially as you‘re young and your brain is still in development – don’t get it used to nonsense like this
Keep saying your busy and make your time really exclusive. Just say ‘omg I would love to but I have so and so on’. Keep doing this and it will flip the switch on her. Be impossible to make plans with and always reply 7 days later and say omg life has been so busy! She’s purposely canceling because she probably received a ‘better offer’ for a hangout. She’s not a true friend
Sounds like mental health related reasons, maybe try to plan things that do not require a lot of socialization but you can do together? like going to a comedy show
You might not be a priority to her, or she’s got commitment issues. Either way, you need to talk to her and ask her why she’s ditching plans last minute, and let her know how it makes you feel. Personally I think giving someone 3 chances is a perfect amount of chances to see if they are someone who flakes on plans. Afterwards, let them plan out the plans and have them follow up with you about the plans. Majority of the people I know tend to just make plans but never take actions. Making plans like this with people, has really reduced the amount of stress and responsibilities for me, it might help you too.
Maybe they feel a preassure to plan things, but near the end they flake because they didn’t want to go from the beggining?
This is a bit similar to what happens to me with a friend. We have been friends for 10 years,but the last years I always am the one to suggest meeting,and she always refuses because “she is busy” (at least she doesnt cancel the meeting minutes before like your friend).
She also is very sweet and genuine (or so I think) and via text she always shows interest in me and that type of things.
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However, I think in both cases they just don´t want to meet in person and maybe they just use us as a text entertainment. It doesnt fit much in the visual we got of them of “sweet and genuine” person,but you never really know what is happening in their minds.
What did she say when you asked about it?
Sounds like literally she has adhd and well her excuses are excuses. Just like hats actually happening to her
The people in the comments are wrong she just doesn’t like you that much. If it was her favorite person she wouldn’t cancel on them. She thinks you ain’t shit and you probably are not. Maybe I’m projecting but I did my research because something very similar happened to me. She doesn’t respect you but thinks your attention is worth keeping you around. She is giving you breadcrumbs because it strokes her ego. The more simps a woman has the more powerful she feels. Man and woman love to be popular but they don’t like to put in the effort to keep relationships. You my friend are not a priority I would forget about this person they probably won’t change and you can’t force them to change. Btw I got my advise from a older female confidant
I’ve been that person in the past due to depression/anxiety. Maybe try framing it more as caring? “I’ve noticed you have been canceling our plans late in the game a lot recently. I care about you and want to spend time with you. Are you doing ok? Is there something I can do to support you?” Then don’t make plans with this person that involve effort from you.
Your friend may have bipolar disorder, this could explain her change in persona, and maybe her mood swings make her wanna hang out but back out at the last moment
Your friend has social anxiety lol
Its social anxiety