I am a 29M and my girlfriend is a 26F. I am trying to understand myself and views on body count.

44 comments

1. Also, I believe religious trauma and shame and not having any guidance (no older family or friends to talk to about casual sex) played major factors in her psychology. Most of the body count is from 1 night stands where she only started enjoying sex at ages 23-26. We talked for at least 2.5 hours on this subject and I still feel I can learn more about her and how she got to this body count. It’s so complicated. Women have sex for so many reasons, including getting pressured into and having trouble saying no. She’s a people pleasure

2. Body count has zero relevance to the relationship you are in. It literally means nothing and is best not even discussed in most cases because of its lack of meaning to any current situation. My wife is 50 and I have zero idea what hers is because it doesn’t matter in any way to our relationship.

3. It sounds like you’re learning that a high body count doesn’t necessarily bother you, and that it may not mean what you thought it meant. So if you’re looking for feedback, I’d say congrats and good for you! The reasons behind the number and what it means are what matter, not the actual number.

   I had a relationship with a similarly large discrepancy. I was secure in her desire for me, even though she’d been with a lot of people, and she really appreciated me as a sexual partner. But I felt small compared to her at times, and felt lesser than the other men who were better seducers than me. Those feelings did contribute to the end of our relationship, along with some other issues. Maybe dating a girl with a similar life experience to me would have helped. But so would other strategies, like doing the work to overcome those feelings of being lesser or having more experiences of my own.

   Hope that helps.

4. Do yourself a favor and never ask for number of partners again. Never tell yours. Everyone’s past and all situations are complicated and unique in their own way. If you want to know if someone is a good person, has discernment, values the same things, etc., get to know them. If you are concerned about safety, get tested. There’s no reason to ask that question.

   It’s also a good time to retire the term “body count” from your vocabulary. You’re 29.

5. I’m unclear about your intention. Is it something that bothers you? Are you trying to justify her having much more than you?
   Does knowing she had that many affects you in a way?

6. I’m surprised it took having that experience to learn that. Body count doesn’t mean much at all to me, hasn’t since I was a teenager. I went wild at 15 because I thought sex = love and my father was drunk my whole childhood. So I was seeking love desperately from a male figure. By 18 I’d probably slept with about 15 people. All horrible sex, not fun, no pleasure, penetration happened for less than a minute with some. Now at age 30, it’s around 24. I don’t judge or find anyone more or less desirable bc of their body count.

7. The only “body count” number that matters is that it doesn’t go up any higher once you’re with her

8. Ok step one: *stop using the term body count.* It’s the number of people you slept with, not the number of people you murdered. It’s also a completely irrelevant statistic and has *absolutely zero* bearing on your relationship. Similarly, “how” she got to this number is fully unimportant unless she’s willing to and interested in talking to you about it. Making a big deal about the number or making a bunch of derogatory, presumptuous, and uninformed statements about “why” this number is will not help her feel comfortable disclosing, and she doesn’t need to disclose in the first place.

   In another one of your comments you say that you find that this ridiculous number is more important to younger generations and you’re right. This is because younger people lack the maturity to understand that the number of people your partner had sex with prior to you is totally unimportant to your relationship. You’re 29, it’s time to shed this completely unnecessary and harmful mentality.

   Also, “high body count” does not have a causal relationship to infidelity. There may be correlation sometimes, because some of the things that may cause a person to be promiscuous *can also* create conditions for infidelity. However, there are a lot of people who enjoy being promiscuous when they are unattached to a partner, and are perfectly capable of being faithful in a relationship.

9. Not everyone values sex the same way. Also, age of understanding of sex differs. I slept with 50+ people in college….. then 8 more in the last 17 years. It’s situational and personal.

   Maybe you’re seeing that a body count doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of life??

10. Your opinion (after thought and consideration) is all that matters. Fuck what everyone else thinks.

11. This is my personal view on number of partners, and I say this as someone who’s had both good and bad relationships with women who had a lot of sexual partners. The number itself doesn’t really bother me, what I’m concerned about is the motivation behind promiscuity. If a woman just likes sex, gets pleasure from it and enjoys the thrill of new partners, then fine whatever, probably means she’s going to enjoy sex with me and want a lot of it (as in the good relationships.) If she has slept around because she was insecure, has problems emotionally bonding through sex or has trauma from those experiences that interferes with her ability to establish a relationship and healthy sex life with me, then that’s something I’d be concerned about (as in the bad relationships I’ve had.)

    Insecurity and attachment problems are a recipe for bad relationships, and also cheating. I couldn’t give a hoot if a woman if a woman had slept with dozens of men as long as she can still bond through sex, enjoys sex and is secure in herself.

    But if she’s used sex to seek validation and attention, or as a form of self harm, then I’m going to be paying very close attention to whether she’s in a different place mentally now to where she was then. I probably won’t even know her sexual history, but it doesn’t matter. I know what bad history looks like even if I don’t know the details.

    In my personal experience, not much ground has been covered between that time and now, and they usually have had issues that have meant the relationship wasn’t viable.

    So think carefully about what motivated her to sleep around, and whether those factors have any impact on your relationship or sex life today.

12. Bro bro bro

    Listen, stop listening to redpill shit, and what people say and think. If you got no prob with that, then fuck it and enjoy.

13. Out of 40+ guys she have only been serious with one. Dude leave she is not fit for a long term relationship.

14. I personally wouldn’t be with someone that has been ran through by 40+ people. I think its disgusting and shows zero self control. I don’t even know 40 people lmao.

    Its your opinion though, you’re the one that has to be with her knowing that.

15. I was in your almost identical shoes recently.

    Yeah, it’s all very interesting. The number still bothers me immensely, but knowing that a significant portion of it was due to coercion/manipulation makes me less bothered. I mean, more bothered in the sense that I wish I could crack the skulls of some of these dudes and feel terrible for my gf, but, yeah. Complicated stuff and varies case by case I think (e.g. is your girl actually chronically promiscuous, or is there more to the story?).

16. I really do not understand asking for someone’s body count if anything above a certain number you might risk not being fully ok with.

17. Body count is completely irrelevant and usually it’s a bad topic to discuss in a relationship as one person will often get hurt or jealous.

18. Ive come to learn that it also helps to learn about a partners views and decision making abilities for the future. Of course your thinking at 22 is vastly different from age 40, 50 and up. I knew a few partners that were only capable of very rigid beliefs towards sex and held back from getting close to anything that might lead to intimacy and several that once 3 oz. of alcohol hit…would go wild in a heartbeat.

    A guy I knew got married with a list over 130 women. That marriage lasted 2 years. Another guy I knew was all about getting laid under any and all circumstances.. whatever it took. His body count grew exponentially within 8 months of his marriage. One day went out for cigarettes and never came back. There is probably way more psychology in these events that I would ever understand which is why I believe there is a lot more to a persons body count than just sex

19. Thank you all for your feedback. I really just want to get multiple viewpoints and come to a conclusion. I am learning that a lot of people have preferences but a lot of people are also clueless and sensitive.

20. Can’t get mad about shit that happens before you know them. My GF and I both have high body counts, who cares as long as they don’t play the comparison game ( unless you’re into that)

21. I realize this isn’t necessarily advice, but “body count” referring to past partners has terrible associations and is pretty derogatory, at least in the way I’ve encountered it online. Genuinely not trying to nitpick here, but it’s just one of those terms that hits the “yuck” button in my brain pretty immediately.

22. I’m a 59 (M) twice divorced. I have 3 kids from my second marriage. My second wife was a virgin when we met, and ‘pretended’ to be overly sexual once we started having sex. All was great until we married, then it dried up overnight. We ended up with 3 kids and the sex only started again when we started trying. After 6 years we turned to IVF. The sex stopped immediately. After 8 years of no sex, and many years of verbal abuse, I left and divorced. 6 years later I met my current fiancé. We have been together nearly 6 years. She was widowed for 12 months before we met, and was only married for 10 years and had no kids. When we met, we discussed our body counts. Mine was around 50 odd, hers was close to 4 times mine, as she was single until age 41. We are so well matched sexually and in every other way. We are getting married in a few months. She is the most open, loving, and sexual person I’ve ever been with. She is multi orgasmic, squirts, and makes me feel like the best lover in the world. She constantly tells me that our sex is the best she’s ever had, and I totally agree. Fuck worrying about body counts! I often tell her that if we had met in our late teens, we would have been together since then. You are right not to worry about her body count before you. Enjoy your relationship and your sex life!

23. Yeah a high body count isn’t really a reliable indicator of anything since people have sex for all sorts of reasons. So I would argue whether or not it’s a red flag is very situation dependent.

    > She was not the attractive girl growing (didn’t get invited to prom, etc.) so when she started to get attention in college she started to put out to validate her insecurities about looks. She claims she regrets more than half of her body count and often dissociates during sex and had little to no enjoyment.

    I would advise you to be very sure she actually wants to before having sex and then make sure to engage in aftercare afterwards. Like cuddle and talk about whether she enjoyed it, how you guys both felt about it in the moment,what could be done differently to ease any anxiety or emotional discomfort that happened,what was especially fun or what else either of you would be interested in trying etc. Finding out that a partner has a history of having sex that they both didn’t enjoy in the moment and regretted later would make me very cautious to make sure the cycle doesn’t continue with me. After all I want my partner to enjoy sex and have a good time with it. I would rather have sex with my hand than with a partner who isn’t really into it. She could be asexual in which case a sexual relationship may be off the table. But it might also be the case that meeting someone who shows genuine consideration for her feelings,pleasure etc and actively tries to please her would make sex very enjoyable for her. If you both care about each other communication will lead you guys in deciding what might be mutually enjoyable so you can try that which in turn would teach each of you what kind of sex you enjoy with each other as individuals.

    Oh and make sure to to reassure her that she has nothing to be ashamed of if she expresses shame over her sexuality or libido etc. Sex is a natural instinct that exists for obvious reasons . Regardless of what various religions might say there’s nothing wrong with enjoying it as long as all participants want to engage in it and nobody is harmed.

24. It sounds like she has the perfect body count. Just the right amount to be a place in her life where she was ready to meet you. Who knows what she would have been like if she was still a virgin when you guys met? Probably a completely different person given her upbringing. She might not want anything to do with you, since you weren’t a virgin. It sounds like she had quite a few bad experiences, but it also sounds like they, over all, helped her grow, mature and turn into a compassionate and understanding person. You obviously love her, so good thing that she is who she is and not something or somebody else.

25. She played the game loose. It’s rarely a good thing. Try to focus on having a good time while this lasts.

26. So to clarify:

    a) was an ugly duckling so I’m going to assume not sexually active particularly early.

    b) Has been in monogamous relationships for approximately 8 years of the 10 (assuming from was 16)

    c) So approximately 18 different sexual partners per year for around 2-years

    d) Has untreated cultural and religious hang-ups about sex tied to her self-esteem and admittedly poor decision-making

    Good luck mate…looking forward to your post on relationship-advice in about 6-months.

27. Eh, body count never really mattered to me as long as the trust for a long term relationship is there. What does it matter if I banged 100 dudes once or the same dude 100 times? Circumstances matter a lot, I could have learned nothing from the 100 dudes because they came after 2 minutes or I could have learned nothing from the one dude because he is shy and can only cum in the dark from a handjob. Same goes the other way of course, doesn’t matter if I learned 100 different positions from 100 dudes or 1.

    Every new encounter is a chance to learn and explore and no one is 100% the same. So figuring out what the other is really into is half of the fun in my opinion and nothing else really matters 😀 What I disliked with one, I could also like with the other, so just “starting fresh” is always a good idea imho, no matter the previous experience.

28. Personally I would think it’s a red flag and be concerned about some other underlying mental health issues. I don’t consider that normal behavior or someone to have a healthy relationship with. But to each their own! Wish you well

29. I know people who had casual sex because it’s what everyone does, or was doing around them.

    I learned a lot through them. It was interesting talking to them when they were in relationships after wards. Majority of them agreed that sex was usually better when you were with someone and had chance to learn what you both liked.

    There were a few exceptions.

    I think it’s strange judging people on body count, saying this when I was younger I absolutely would have rejected a man with a high body count because I’d assume he wasn’t able to emotionally connect with a woman and only viewed them as sex objects.

    Then as I grew up and started getting to know people, I realised for some people it was about validation, connection. Sometimes it was a we have chemistry, why not pursue this. Then you have people who are looking for something and hoping they’ll find someone, this is there way of doing that.

    Sex is different for everyone. The way they approach it, think about it.

    I’m glad body count isn’t an issue for you, it means you’re more interested in her and you view her as more than a number.

    I found in the past when I cared about body count with a man, it’s because I wasn’t really interested in them.

30. She disassociates during sex because of how many men she’s slept with? THAT’s the sex life you want to tie yourself to for the rest of your life? Good God, man.

31. The older you get the less you care. All that matters is how she is with you moving forward. We’ve all got a past

32. When I was younger, body count used to bother me a lot. Now that I’m in my 40s, I see that it doesn’t matter in the least. All that matters is if the sex you two are having is satisfying and enjoyable. If it is, it doesn’t matter who else she slept with, or how many partners. She’s sleeping with you now.

33. 40 is wild, but if you dont mind then thats great! The only thing you have to care about is how you feel. No one else should dictate what is to high for you

34. if it wasn’t in your year, it wasn’t in your care. Basically how every body had said, the thing is that the body count don’t go higher, maybe the only thing to care about it would be if she cheat on her long relationship, the could be the only thing to care about, more than that what do you care, you need to put your sight in the present and care for the things that occurred in your relationship, this also could came from a sexist mindset, if your body count was higher that her, would you have the same thoughts??

35. Good for you that you are trying to learn and grow!!

    I want to pose a question you can ask yourself (you don’t have to answer here): you write a couple of times (in the post and in comments) that it wasn’t out of lust (the “high” number). I read this as you might think that this somehow makes it more okay/less shameful (is that correct?) – she did it as a coping strategy for low self esteem as in = not really her “fault”/intention. But what if it had been a fully conscious decision out of lust which she was happy with? Are women who lust for a lot of men shameful to you? Why? And would the same apply to men (who lust for many women)? If not, why not? Your beliefs might be rooted in internalised misogyny – that’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to reflect on it and change it if it is the case

    Good luck on your journey, wishing you and your girlfriend the best 🙂

36. This is going to effect your sex life massivly

37. Body count is a side-effect of single life. In itself it doesn’t really bear a lot of meaning comparing ‘body count’.

38. Every person is so different and every sexual partner is so different that I don’t think experience, whether it’s a lot of sex with a few people or casual sex a lot of people, matters quite as much as people make it seem. You can sleep with 100 people who don’t get of the way your next partner does. Also, he idea that sex needs to be important and “special” is not true, but at the same time, an intimate relationship does make sex so different (and in many ways better).

    I have a large body count. My partner does not. I’ve had more relationships and a lot more casual sex than them. Our sex life is great for both of us and I believe it’s equally “special” for both of us. We both had to learn a lot about the other person, I never felt like there was a “skill” discrepancy.

39. My experience is similar to your girlfriends, and like her, I regret the vast majority of my experiences. I did most of it because I’d just left my strict family home, and I ended a long term relationship, and I was extremely depressed and lonely. I was sexually abused a few times during this period as well.

    Like your girlfriend I also dissociated most of the time during sex. Out of all the people I’ve let fuck me, I probably only consider 3 or 4 to be genuine lovemaking. Those are the only ones I might still remember fondly

40. 37???

41. Body count, like everything else, depends on the person.

    What you’ve started seeing here is the person behind the body count and you’re experiencing some form of compassion for the person you found.

    You may even care more about her now.

    Not everyone’s body count will tell the same story. Every love is different. But this time you found a human you may want to care about behind a scary statistic.

    Now that you’ve found a human behind the number, what will you do?

42. It doesn’t matter. I think you are about the age that all people get to when Body Count doesn’t even register as a thing anymore. It’s literally something teenagers and people in their early 20’s care about.

43. Hopefully both of you take a STD test before doing it

44. Yeah, bud. People do things. They make mistakes. They make decisions that’ll end up for the better or worse. What matters is how they treat you.