I’m (26F) falling out of love with him (26M)

This might be long so thanks in advance if you read it through.

I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for the roughly 3 years. I’ve had a lot of sexual partners but he was the first person I feel I could say I truly fell in love with.

The start of our relationship was so nice and like nothing I’ve felt before. From our first date we had instant chemistry. It was so easy to talk to him and both of us really enjoyed being around each other. He was different back then. He took better care of himself, did more during the week, and in general we did more together as a result.

About 6-ish months in is when I first noticed some yellow flags. He got really drunk one night while out. I was staying over his place and was waiting anxiously for him to come home. He finally did (shitfaced, mind you) at like 4am and he had fucked himself up by falling or something. He could barely move his body and he was drunkenly groaning in pain throughout the night. I was worried but it seemed like a one off dumb occurrence.

He never went to the doctor because he doesnt have insurance so he just let everything heal and hoped for the best. He does this any time he gets hurt or sick. He has some long-term issues that are just left unresolved as a result.

He tends to put things off until they become disastrous. That same year in the winter (which was like 20F on some days) his utilities got shut off because he received multiple notices about scheduling an inspection and he just ignored them. He had no heat for about a month and because of this his hygiene fell. I was annoyed at him for causing the situation because I was worried and felt bad for him. But I was still attracted to him because I loved him and wanted to support him through that.

We ended up moving in together after around a year. It was okay at first but then we got a dog. I quickly became the primary caretaker of the dog. He pays for stuff but grooming and walking are almost never done by him. He occasionally feeds him.

Part of the reason for this is that he sleeps for most of the day. He’s works nights but he only works like 3 days a week. He literally will sleep for 12-14 hours at a time. I am not exaggerating. This means there are days when we are both home that we just don’t see each other. He didnt do this as much when we first met because his schedule was different. We would meet up throughout the week, go to parks, and do things outside. Now we barely do anything together because he would rather sleep. I try to wake him up but it’s draining because he fights me the whole way, which makes me feel like a nuisance.

He got drunk and fucked himself up on the week of our 3yr anniversary so we didnt celebrate until months later. It was extremely traumatic because he didn’t come home for half a day and when he did he was covered in blood. Something snapped in me that day and my mental health has spiraled downward since then. I’m finally doing better but I havent been working as much as a result.

The thing is, I love his good qualities. I have on/off depression and take medication. When it’s gotten to be a lot for me he has stepped up. He is kind-hearted as well, but also really judgmental of people which I dislike. He’s cuddly and sweet though and wants to support me.

He cares about me but it feels like he doesnt care about impressing me anymore. He literally told me he’s gotten comfortable with me. He’s not trying as hard. I don’t deserve that because I’m actively trying to work on my own shit and him not working on his is making my mental health so much worse. I have a history of addiction and when we met I was sober. It is so hard to stay sober dating someone like this. I feel neglected and frustrated and unappreciated. And every time he has an accident I go crazy with worry. It is unhealthy.

I deserve someone who takes care of themself and loves themself. He can barely offer me emotional support because he’s drowning in his own stuff. And thats okay on its own but I feel like its unfair to date someone and then let your mental and physical health just plummet for years. It is extremely painful and sad because I cant do anything to help him. Ive tried so much and I feel like it’s pointless since he doesn’t want my help.

All this has made me apathetic to some of his problems because he always has the same issues since he doesn’t address them. I get tired of hearing the same shit all the time. I’m less attracted to him now. I don’t want to kiss him as much. I like having sex with him but it doesnt feel as intimate for me now and my eyes are closed more often. It just feels good. Thats it.

Our lease is up next July and I want to wait out breaking up with him till at least December/January because I want to figure out how I can leave and definitely dont want to do it in the Winter but cant afford to now. I know my family will help but I dont want to move in with them. I take better care of the dog but can’t afford him on my own. I know the dog’s quality of life will be worse without me there to do the extra shit. I don’t have enough money to pay for a place. Right now Im trying to focus on getting therapy and finding a different job.

I also am trying to give him (another) chance… I do love him. But I have to go. This isn’t sustainable for me. I want it to be amicable as I feel like we could be friends (I still am friends with a former partner and dont really have ill will against my current one). I honestly wouldnt mind breaking up but being roommates for a bit while searching for another place. Part of me feels like an idiot for still dating him now even though I’m trying to do things in a way that isn’t going to make me homeless or even more mentally unstable.

What should I do? Am I doing this right? Ive talked to him about some of these issues without bringing up a break up multiple times. He says he’s struggling but he wont get psych help. And yes he is depressed and he said he has always been that way. Is it shitty to leave him this way?

tl;dr: Im falling out of love with my long-term boyfriend and need advice on what to do next as we live together but Im too broke to leave right now.