Okay, so my partner is non-binary and asexual. Several months ago they realized they were asexual and we have overhauled our relationship and they are the one to initiate all sexual encounters we have. Usually they are planed ahead of time and they let me know when they would like to have sex.
I struggled with feelings of selfishness about a month and a half ago because in learning about asexuality more and more to support my partner it seemed like a beautiful and unshallow way to have a loving relationship that isn’t based on looks or anything. It made me feel a bit bad that I was even sexually attracted to them at all. We talked about it and I felt a little better about it.
However the selfish feelings are back because last week I went off birth control and took the depo shot instead. We then had sex without a condom a few days ago and it felt sooooo good. Like amazingly good. I know they probably won’t want to have sex for at least two or three weeks but I’m loosing it right now.
Just thinking about it is making me hot and bothered. I don’t know if it was the no condom or they were just in great form the other night but I need to have it again soon but I don’t really want to ask. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice would be appreciated.
2 comments
Wanting sex is not selfish. Mismatched libido can definitely cause frustration and resentment in a relationship. The best thing you can do is communicate. There’s nothing wrong with asking if they’d be willing to be intimate with you again – or maybe they’d be willing to help you orgasm with a toy or other method if they aren’t interested in having full-on sex right now.
Communication and trust. At the end of the day, most relationships have libido mismatches, they just come in different sizes.
People do things for people they care about, even if they wouldn’t just do that thing by themselves. This is completely normal and healthy.
It’s unclear if the ground rules you have now are because of your fear of “violating” or soiling the ace relationship/perspective, but it may be worth asking again about ground rules and whether or not your partner would be OK with you initiating sometimes? Probably with plenty of lead time for your partner, or whatever other conditions may be required. At the end of the day, your partner cannot read your mind, and considerate communication is the best path forward for you both.