I (26f) was introduced to a guy (35m) a while back through my uncle by marriage’s mother. This guy is my uncle’s cousin. No blood relations at all.
Anyways started super awkward because they asked for my number and I was hesitant at first but I thought it couldn’t hurt. No text for weeks so I thought that was the end of that. I didn’t text first because they didn’t give me his number. Then a few weeks of silence later, they tell me that we’re meeting him for dinner…like what? So me, my family, my aunt’s family (uncle and his mom) went to dinner with him and his family!!! We didn’t even sit next to each other but I made an effort to get to know him by talking across the table. I’ll be honest, I’m very friendly and extrovert when I need to be so I guess I came off as super into it, but inside I was not feeling the vibe at all. I made an extra effort at dinner because literally everyone was there and it would have seemed rude not to at least be focused.
After dinner we exchanged number and the usually ok yeah be in touch conversation happens and that’s that. He texts me the night of and for the next few days we have very base level conversations and he kept pushing to make plans. I kind of blow him of with the sorry I don’t have time right now for a few weeks. This goes on for I don’t even remember how many weeks. I would say sorry I don’t have time, which he would stop communicating for a week. Then he would text me with the hey what’s up line again the following week. Keeping in mind that we don’t have any conversation throughout so I literally don’t know anything about this guys other that what I learned during dinner, which is that he is super into anime, comics, games, and raves. BTW all of which I am very minimally interested in or not at all!
So for a few weeks, I didn’t want to be mean and just shut him down so I entertained the idea of possibly meeting up, but we never confirmed plans, one because I wasn’t really committed to it and two, he wasn’t really decisive about it either. We literally don’t event text for two weeks and he pops up out of nowhere with the what’s up and the past two time he has I would tell him now is not the best time and that I’ve got a lot going on. I’ve told him twice now and every time, he would say I totally get it and hope you get better. This makes me feel worse. I don’t want to keep leading him on, but I feel like I’ve somewhat indicated that I’m not interested.
At this point, I don’t know how I can nicely tell him enough that he understands that I’m not interested. I don’t want to be a jerk because he is my uncle’s cousin and I don’t want my uncle’s mom hating my guts being a jerk to her nephew. Please send help. 😔
9 comments
Guilt for you, hurt for them is natural.
There’s no real avoiding it, it’s just a part of romance.
Being assertive is not being mean. If you are not interested, tell him, otherwise he may not get the hint. Some of us guys are just that dense.
If it feels awkward telling him you are not interested make something up. Look, I just got out of something & I’m not ready to date. I’ve just started dating someone and we are getting serious, I would like to focus on that relationship and we are (or have) becoming exclusive. I have a lot going on right now and I’m not in a headspace to date at the moment.
I’m a bit of a chicken and worry about hurting others too but everyone here is correct, you can say I’m not interested. If your uncle’s cousin can’t handle that, whatev’s
Your family was really clumsy the way this was all set up, there is a time tested way these things are done guaranteed to be much less awkward.
But it’s done, whatever, and now because this will all get reported directly to your uncle and your parents you are on the hook to st least meet the guy for lunch. There’s really no escape, you make yourself available, you show up looking nice, you ask a few questions, and you spend an easy hour exchanging funny stories about your wacky family. Easy Peasy. You make this sound like your hand has been promised in marriage – cmon. This is simply something that you must do to keep the peace with your well meaning relatives. As I said, there’s a better way to do this kind of thing next time
Let’s not forget that you don’t know the guy at all – all you know is he is totally on the hook to behave as “nice” as possible, just like you, with all eyes cast on you both -!and he is annoyingly persistent and doesn’t seem to be taking an obvious hint. That much you know – So you show up with an open mind and a smile and you do the right thing for the sake of the “team”, ok. You know you have no choice here anyway, right ? and I will wager the team has done a few favors for you in the past. You give him a bit of a chance is all anybody is suggesting here. It’s not worth the family drama to make this into some sort of statement. Just lunch, ok ?
You just need to come out and say, “I just don’t feel a vibe between us. I hope you find someone who likes all the stuff you do, but I just want you to know I’m not feeling it, I hope you understand and Good Luck!”
That’s it, nothing more.
He likely misunderstood your extra effort to mean you’re into him, so he started making an effort in planning. What are things you like and dislike about him? You haven’t met him one-to-one, so either you can go on a date with him or if you don’t want to meet him, then just say this isn’t going to work out. Just be honest, rather than continuing to fend him off with excuses that might not be genuine. Dragging this out might hurt both of you more.
Honestly just don’t respond the next time he says what’s up. Responding is leading him on. You already said no twice. The first time I say I’m not going to do x I’m just going to stay in/do work etc politely letting them know I have other priorities then I don’t respond. I don’t think the other kinds of responses people say (no spark, etc) are that great because they’re really bs in most cases. Also why are they setting you up with someone that’s too old, lame.
> At this point, I don’t know how I can nicely tell him enough that he understands that I’m not interested. I don’t want to be a jerk because he is my uncle’s cousin and I don’t want my uncle’s mom hating my guts being a jerk to her nephew. Please send help. 😔
Oh god, just communicate here “Hey, you’re nice, but I want you to know that I don’t think we’re a good fit to date and I’m not interested in that.”
You can sugarcoat it or add more if you really want to, but be very clear that you aren’t an option. This guys is obviously not getting your hints, so you need to spell it out for him, not drag it out with these vague responses about how busy you are that don’t address the issue.
Also your family can’t expect you to just date him, and not being interested in dating someone is not “being a jerk to him”. If they’re actually upset, just explain “He’s nice, but he’s really just not my type and I’m not into him like that.”
If you don’t want to tell him you’re not feeling it, just tell him “I’m not really looking to date right now” or that you’re seeing someone else. It sounds more like he texts you when he’s bored & has nothing else to do, rather than that he’s completely sprung on you, if it’s only happening once every couple of weeks. You’d be completely justified in just not responding to his texts considering your only contact was sitting across from him at a family dinner