I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year, but now we’re long distance as I start grad school and he finishes his last year of college. We want to stay together during this year apart (no open relationships or anything like that), and have put some parameters in place regarding how the relationship will work while apart. However, now that we’re apart we have more time to do things alone (which is good!), but he spends a lot of time with his girl best friend. Last year when we were physically in the same place, he didn’t hang out with her as often because 1) she made me uncomfortable and 2) we were busy being along together.
I largely worry that he will fail to set boundaries with her. He’s admitted to struggling with doing that in the past with others. I also worry because he’s expressed to me that he fears that if he gets lonely, that could potentially lead to a “slip up”. He’s a very open and friendly person, who really values making connections (which isn’t a bad thing), but he has a hard time cutting people off, saying no, and oftentimes feels he must maintain relationships from all eras of his life. He also makes friends with girls a bit easier, due to the fact that he’s the sensitive, softer, dreamy-type, so most of the friends from the past that he’s maintaining relationships with are girls. All of this makes me nervous.
Regarding the girl best friend, she rubs me the wrong way. She’s never really spoken to me. I can’t remember more than 2 conversations and neither were more than the words “hi”. She sent him a VERY heartfelt Valentine’s Day card, was always trying to meet up with him for dinner last year, and recently asked him to take a spring break trip with her and another guy friend this upcoming school year. On top of this, she has a long distance boyfriend. I worry that she uses my boyfriend as a replacement while hers is away. And I worry that they’ll both be lonely and “slip up”. But mostly, I don’t fully believe that she only views my boyfriend as a friend. My boyfriend is constantly trying to reassure me that the girl best friend is fully in love with her boyfriend, but I feel like her actions say otherwise.
Since the long distance started and he went back to school, he’s ignored a call from me because he was hanging out with her in her room (we said we’d try not to hang out in the rooms of members of the opposite sex, or have them in our rooms, but I know it cant always be avoided). And he went out bar hopping with her (to some of the bars I took him to when he turned 21) and stayed out together from around 10pm to past 1am.
I’ve expressed my concerns to my boyfriend before, but I am scared to bring up the issue again. I know he views me as jealous since Ive told him I was previously bothered by how he was still in contact with his old flings (that went to our school) at the beginning of our relationship and how his numerous girl best friends make me feel weird. He’s told me previously that he resented me for “making him stop talking to his girl best friends due to my insecurities”, although that was a choice he made, I didn’t force him, and I’m not insecure, he just doesn’t always have firm boundaries, so interactions with the girls make me uncomfortable.
I trust him not to cheat, but I don’t trust him to set firm boundaries to prevent things from potentially happen. And maybe thats the same thing. I don’t feel I can express how I feel to him because I don’t want this to become part of the jealousy narrative. I want him to be able to enjoy himself in this year apart as I am, but it’s a new thing for me to see him going out with another girl (since he didn’t do that last year so I”m trying to adjust and stay calm) doing things that under any other circumstance would be a date, but it’s uncomfortable. I’ll never going to be okay with him going out with another girl. How do I bring this up to him? Or does this already sound like a situation beyond saving?
2 comments
Tbh reading what she’s doing I would feel uncomfortable too, and I’m hardly the jealous type. She is definitely crossing boundaries romantically and could even be trying to cheat. It sounds like he’s hiding some details from you, your feelings here are valid and if he doesn’t want to compromise on boundaries then it’s not worth it
Not to come out the gates ragging on you, but you’ve got to be honest about jealousy, at least to yourself. And please don’t take this as a judgment. Jealousy is not a 100% bad emotion. Small amounts of jealousy expressed correctly can lead to fun territorial passion or a kind of cide to your partner that they need to make you feel more secure. But the keywords are SMALL and correctly. Like spicy food, a little bit can add some kick and flavor, but too much burns and leaves you feeling sick.
So step one, just own it and communicate it. Let him know why you feel that way, but make sure to own the problem. He can absolutely be a partner in helping you solve it, but him doing things not to make you jealous is not a solution. All those jealousy sensors are still there, they’re just not being triggered. It’s okay to feel jealousy, but you should both work towards helping you mitigate those feelings.
As for how to patch things up or keep things interesting? Well, y’all are in your 20s and he’s a guy so… sex. I know the long distance thing is rough on intimacy. But there’s other ways of stimulating each other, both sexual and non sexual, that keep that romanticism alive. Ask and be prepared to share. The more personal, the more introspective, the more intriguing the connections remain!
And finally, yeah, you’re right to be skeptical of that girl. I’m not saying she is gunning for your bf, but she does come off as the type who would use your bf as a convenient way to get validation. I don’t know if the rises to the level of your guy needing to stop being friends for two reasons.
1) I was a guy in my 20s once and let me tell you, we’re dense. It is not unthinkable to imagine he is missing signals she’s throwing his way. But hey if he’s missing them that means he’s not looking for them. Which is a good indication he’s not looking at her in that way.
2) This might be painful advice to consider, but you may want to let things play out. This is as good a chance as any to find out what kind of person he is. Either he shows you that what you have is stronger than distance (and a huge trust builder). Or you find out NOW rather than a marriage, a house, and a couple kids later that he can’t keep it in his pants.
Hope this was helpful!