I’m sorry if this all sounds so trivial but I honestly do not know who to talk to anymore and I can definitely feel the anxiety as the date of the trip comes near.
For background, I (22) am a junior in college, and it is currently the middle of the semester. A close relative of ours happens to plan a nice trip this time of the month (so, a week from now, as it seems) but unfortunately, the day of the trip coincides with the date of my exams. I really do wish I could join but my professors do not accept “trip” as an excuse, and I am on the brink of failing those specific subjects, so I do have to double my efforts.
Problem is, I cannot seem to tell my father (58). Once he sets his mind into something, he usually doesn’t accept, “no” for an answer, and would often resort in guilt-tripping. He would say things such as, “you cannot say, ‘no’ to me!”, “what are you trying to do, disappoint everybody?”, “you’re making me sin!” and all that crap.
Now, look. Some might say, “You’re 22, they have no choice in that matter.”. I do hope so too, but 1) I still live under their roof (I can’t move out, it’s a cultural thing. As for finance, concept of rent on your parents’ house does not exist here, food expense is on them since I do live with them, but I pay for my dorm and other college-related fees out of my own savings.), and lastly, 3) I really, really can’t take my father’s “fits”— it really messes me up, I’m sorry.
I tried telling once that, ‘what if I couldn’t go?’, and he immediately raised his voice and went into a tirade of, “how can you do this to me?”, “everyone expects you to be there, do not disappoint them!”, “If you’re not going, then I’m not going! I won’t be able to join the trip because of you!”, and “I do not care about what you need to do, I will not take, ‘no’ for an answer!”
Sorry if this was long. I feel really anxious as of late. I’ve spent more time worrying than getting ready for said exams, I really don’t want to botch this one (exam) again. I just wanted to ask your opinion. What do I do?
tl;dr : Trip is one week away, but can’t go because of exams from subjects I’m on the brink of failing. Father doesn’t accept a “no” and would resort to various guilt-tripping, which my mental load can’t really handle. How do I approach this?
(repost, because I forgot to put a tl;dr.)
30 comments
I understand feeling anxious, but no one here is going to be able to control your father for you, or control your reactions to him. This is on you. You will need to be able to handle his response. There is no magic trick you haven’t thought of. The only way through this is is through.
You cannot miss exams.
You will not pass your classes.
You are not going.
If he chooses not to go, that is very sad for him. And you can say so “That is a sad choice for you, but it doesn’t change what I am going to do.”
Don’t get into a debate. Don’t ask questions. Repeat. “I’m not able to. I will not go. This isn’t a debate. I’m writing these exams.”
Immediately after you tell him, privately call the relative who has invited/arranged and tell them you are deeply grateful but unable to skip exams. Don’t speak for your father’s choices, just be apologetic and honest about your own. Do not allow your father to be the one who controls the message to the rest of your family. You’re a young adult. You can talk to them.
Do book places and times to study outside of the house. Go to a library, or ask a friend to study at their place. Minimize your contact with him and treat studying like a full-time job you do out of the home.
You’re going to have to handle this. There is nothing else. And it’s going to be really, really hard because everything your father has learned today is that if he throws a big enough fit it will eventually give him what he wants. So he’s gonna throw a massive one trying to get what he wants.
But the first step in managing this behavior, is saying No, meaning No, and enforcing that No.
“This is my decision. It’s not up for debate.”
Don’t quibble about details. Tell him flat out that it’s your decision, and then ignore any grandstanding he does. If by phone, hang up. If in person, get up and walk away.
I am so sorry to hear about all of this.
Can you go see a counsellor at your school? Most have free services and this has a lot of components to unpack.
I’m sorry you’re having this anxiety around this, it is hurtful and unfair of your father to disregard your obligations and decisions as an adult.
As for how to approach it, I would try to have a conversation with him and start with “I would appreciate it if I could finish my whole thought before you say anything and then we can discuss what I’ve said” and then try to explain to him how as you’ve gotten older you have obligations to your education and your future and unfortunately the trip this year overlaps with a very important school obligation. You cannot miss this exam, it is important to your education and your future career that you are trying to plan for. Explain how this is important to you and how you’ve been investing time and money into this education and this class and unfortunately the professor will not allow you to reschedule the exam. And then try and reassure him that you do not want to miss the trip and next year you will be able to go and you are excited to spend time with everyone as a family next year
Again I’m so sorry that this is so stressful, it can be hard to transition from childhood to adulthood with your parents. But if this class is important to you, and if your education is important to you, you have to put your foot down and insist that you are taking this exam
Your father is acting like a child, and so you have to use dealing-with-a-child strategies in order to navigate this.
For many little kids, if you pick out an outfit for them to wear, they’ll get very upset because They Don’t Want To Wear That. But it’s not really about whether they want to wear that outfit at all; it’s about the fact that *they want to assert control over their environment*. And so the way you navigate that is not to give them absolute freedom to choose (because they’ll end up wearing nothing but shorts in the snow), but to give them a range of choices that are acceptable to you, that they are allowed to choose from: “Ok, Timmy, here are three outfits you could wear, and you get to pick *any* one of them.”
Your father is having his little snit because he wants to be in control.
So *give* him that control. “Father, I would really like to go on the trip, so that I can be a part of the family. But I have exams that day, and if I do not take them, I will fail the classes I am taking, and that will reflect poorly on me and therefore on the family. I want to do what is best, and so I want to know which is most important to you? Is me going on the trip more important to you, or is me showing that I am a respectable student who is a good reflection of our family more important?”
Then let him pick.
If he picks “go on the trip”, you’re still no worse off than you already are, because that’s what he’s already trying to get you to you. But by playing the “respectability of our family” card, you *may* get him to decide that you failing your exams is a thing his ego cannot support, and so he might choose your exams as more important.
It’s about making *him* have consequences that will matter to *him* if you blow off the exams.
Your dad doesn’t get to dictate your future education nor how much money was spent on those classes. sometimes you can’t go on trips because other things are more important. This is one of those things. Your dad sounds toxic as hell, and i hope that your education is just a further attempt to distance yourself from him. He doesn’t dictate how you live your life or the decisions you make. His guilt trip will not physically hurt you, nor will it change your decision. I would include your dad in a group text stating how sorry you are that you cannot attend due to your exams. if he chooses to message you or call you in private you can block him. control the narrative, don’t let him bully
you.
Just go stay in the dorm until he calms down
Does your family value your education?
If they do, show them your schedule. Pull up the date of the trip and show them how it conflicts with testing. Use his ego against him “I don’t want to disappoint you and fail out of university”. “Your pride in me is important, if I don’t take these tests I won’t pass”. “What do you think I should do father? Take these tests or go on the trip. My teachers already refused to let me take them another time so I must choose”.
Because there is a cultural component here I’d try and manipulate the situation to make him think he’s deciding for you. When normally I’d just say “tell him you can’t go and that’s that.”
Now if your father sees no value in your education you may have to stand up for yourself a little more than you are comfortable doing. His displeasure will not last while failing these classes will impact your future.
“If I miss this exam I will fail the class and have to retake it. That will cost $(A). I will graduate late and miss a year of work which will cost $(B), for a total of $(A+B). If you are willing to pay that I will go in this trip but I do not want to waste that time and money, and my education is really important for me and my future. I know you want me to come on this trip but you also taught me to work hard, act responsibly, and take my education seriously. Maybe after my exams we could have (relative) over so I could see them then, at which point I’ll be able to tell them all about how well I’m doing in school and how well I did on my exam! ”
If someone guilt trips you and won’t listen to reason, guilt trip them back about all the great values they taught you in your life and how you’re applying those lessons to school, specifically not missing your exam.
It’s like… You have to make them feel like it was their idea? Obviously a real talk is the best option but your dad seems unwilling or unable to do that.
What kind of dad wants you to blow off exams to go on a trip?
Any of your professors will be happy to be the bad guy here. “Dr. Scary says he will personally fail me if I miss this exam.”
We don’t have a magical 3rd choice for you. Either you speak up on your behalf and your future or you don’t. I find it difficult to believe that a parent wouldn’t understand about final exams. Did he not attend school?
I’m not unsympathetic to your plight, but this isn’t extremely nuanced. The fact is, you ARE 22 and that really is an age where saying no to a parent needs to be a choice that you can make. Otherwise, what’s your long-term plan? To continously live your life the way he tells you to?
“Of course I’m disappointed that I can’t go. But Im sure you would be embarrassed if I flunked my classes. And the school doesn’t allow students to leave in the middle of class.
I’m know that our family would find it frivolous and think I’m a terrible daughter if I wasted your time and money playing when I needed to be studying and taking tests. It would shame me and our family. I know you would like to have me enjoy myself but I also know that as a good father you would want me to stay and work hard to pass my classes”.
Maybe if he can come at it from the position “ I ordered coffee cupsies to stay behind. She must study harder” it will satisfy his autocratic side.
Put him on do not disturb.
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Remind him you are on the **brink of failing** If that doesn’t change his mind, nothing ever will.
“Do you want me to fail my exams? Imagine the shame on you if I do”
How your father chooses to react is beyond your control, all you can do is choose whether his coercive tactics will influence you or not.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” – Viktor Frankl, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’.
At some point in life you are going to have to say no to him, and just stand by your ‘no’ regardless of what he says. Even if you concede over this issue, the same thing will resurface with another issue down the line.
“If I go this year, I will miss a class final and the teacher will not let me make it up. I will fail the class, and my GPA will drop significantly. I can’t afford the harm that going on this trip will do to my schooling, but I’m looking forward to next years trip already assuming it happens after I finish next years finals.”
If he still freaks out, have a bag off school stuff ready to go and leave to the library. “I need to study for my final and I can’t talk about this right now, I’m going to the library to study.”
Just do it via text…easier than talking. Then if he tries to call to complain, say sorry too busy studying…call you when exams are done!
Middle of the semester? Where are you in school?
Contact your relative and thank them so much for the trip, but you are giving them your regrets because you have exams that you cannot miss or you will fail your university courses.
THEN tell your father something along the lines of “have a great time, I already told [relative] I would miss them because of exams. Try to have fun without me!”
You mentioned the family is contributing to your education, so its fair to assume it matters.
At times like this, i think the best approach is a combination of enforcing rules to the conversation, complete honesty, and clear boundries.
First question is for you, what does your Dad value? Is he helping with college to help you or to check a box and its not a priority for him? It’s important to know his motivations. Old men sometimes value boys education over a girls, and its hard to bring them into the current century. If you think that’s the case, then point out the $$$ invested, and the fact that Junior year exams are very important, and at this level of education, there’s no “do over” for less than many, many 1000s of dollars
Once you know what he values, you can decide how to set boundaries, and how to approach the conversation. Suggest having your mom there too.
The first time he goes on an emotionally manipulative tangent, stop the convo, be 100% clear on how what he is doing impacts and hurts you, and that it takes days for you to refocus for exams. If he doubts you, tell him you love him and his judgement is painful.
If he continues, have him clearly communicate his priorities. Tell him that his priorities are making a one day party for a 7th grader put a 3 year investment of time and money at risk, and if he can’t accept that, and be proud of your choices, then you have trouble trusting his decisions.
“If i go on this trip, i will fail these classes. Retaking them will cost X in tuition, and Y in other fees and my time. Will you pay for X?” No emotions, no feelings, just money. Ask him how much it’s worth to him to not look bad and be ok sin and etc.
I am very sorry that you are in this situation, OP. Good parents prioritize the goals and education over their children over keeping up face with the extended family. Also, is it an option for you to talk to your extended family about the exams and the trip? Are they more reasonable then your father? That might shut it down at the source, but the again he might get much angrier at you for that, so use your best judgement.
I don’t normally resort to this… but turn it around on him. “Do you want to be the reason that I fail my class? How could you do this to me, schedule a trip when you know I can’t go?”
Put your foot down – do NOT risk failing this class just because your father is acting like a child.
He’ll get over it – I promise you.
Tell him what you’re gonna do and do it. He will get over it. Don’t let that shit get to your head and brush it off. I am 22 and live with a similar father and I have just had to learn to let it go
> “If you’re not going, then I’m not going! I won’t be able to join the trip because of you!”
“OK.”
> “I will not take, ‘no’ for an answer!”
“Yes you will.”
I would make a copy of the class schedule and syllabus. Circle the exam dates and the policy for skipping exams. Tell him the facts and that if you fail this class you could be delaying graduation another year. Show him the cost of an additional year of tuition. Let the facts of the situation argue for themselves and then make yourself scarce for a few days. Don’t hang around for his tantrums. It’s not your fault that he failed to take your schedule (which existed for months now) into account when he was making his plans. You would love to go on the next trip with him that he schedules keeping your college schedule in mind.
My Father would get loud ant abusive when things did not go his way, I just made myself scarce. I visited friends, studied at the library, walked around campus. He is dead now, sitting in an urn in my closet. He cant cause any more problems.