How can I insure my wife will be loyal?
How should I approach the situation to get the most information and ensure I am not going to be cheated on?
She’s going on a family vacation with her best friend including her husband and two small kids about 2 hours away at a hotel
My wife has a history of drinking with her best friend and, even without drinking, not remembering why she did things.
Her best friend has a history of lying. She is a pathological liar even saying to the minimum things like I will call you back and she never calls back. She has a history of stealing and I see both her and her husband as the type to say that they will not say anything, look the other way, and they have known my wife and have been friends with her longer than me.
She said that she is going for her goddaughter, hang at the pool with them, and to spend time with them and because her friend asked her to come and also because she didn’t want to be alone that her husband was going to go out with his friends, but how do I know she’s not gonna hang out with his friends or do something else?
My thoughts:
How do I know she’s not going to do something like go out after putting the kids to bed?
How do I know that she is not going to hang out with the guys or even if they are invited back to their place?
How do I know that she’s not going to drink? Or possibly forget and not know why she did anything over there?
The only time she cheated on me was about 10 years ago in high school with a guy she saw at a friends church while she was with me and during a time she said she had really low self-esteem.
We have been together for 10 years and married for 1 year Right now in our relationship she has low self-esteem with her body image, which makes me believe that it is possible since history tends to have a way with repeating itself.
I have never caught her cheating, or maybe I just don’t know what signs to look for and how, but I don’t trust history, her friends and influences.
Part of me feels that when she watches her drama shows it becomes a sort of an outlet for the real deal to where infidelity is somewhat conceivable, justifiable, familiar or downright okay at a certain point. Also, her family has a history of cheating, and in every show she enjoys watching, such as 90210, too hot to handle, and YOU, there’s a correlation in that they always include some form of cheating and I know she enjoys the thrill of the characters almost getting caught even if they are protagonists.
Just like her mom enjoyed the thrill of not getting caught with a guitarist from a band and his girlfriend we knew a long time ago
What is the best way to approach the situation to get peace of mind? Should I approach and be open to her on how I feel in situations like these? Or lay low?
I feel if I got cheated on then I would become the ultimate advocate to prove that true love never really existed after being faithful for so long with a woman who constantly reassured me that everything was okay
Also, what are other signs you would look for or have noticed in your past relationships?
Perhaps I’m looking for reassurance to calm that dark part of my mind. This is my first long relationship, my last one was for 2 years when I was still a teenager, so any helpful advice and anecdotes are very much appreciated!
*Edit: Thank you all so much for the replies so far, I will thoroughly read them all when I am off work. I was worried about trolls, but seeing genuine replies on here really do make me smile, so thank you
5 comments
I’m waiting for someone to post a nice, well thought out, comment so I can like it. I just don’t know where to begin…
So has she cheated before? You aren’t clear on this. But if she’s never cheated, then your level of distrust is unhinged. A relationship with no trust cannot survive.
Right now is more of a good time to self reflect. You either trust her or you dont. And if you dont then you shouldnt be with her. You won’t be able to make sure if she’s gonna cheat or not. I understand why you’re worried. If it happened once before it can happen again. Granted she was a kid in high-school. If you forgave her for it, then forgive her. You forgave her for a reason, remind yourself of that (as long as the reason wasn’t “I won’t find anyone else”)
Let her go on the trip and Reflect on yourself. Figure out if you can let go and just trust her (which is not easy. But relationships never are). If you find out you can’t bring yourself to trust her then you’ll know that your relationship will bring you nothing but agnst.
Simple. You have trust.
If you can’t trust her, then why are you with her? A relationship, especially a marriage, without trust sounds miserable. It will completely ruin a marriage, which why would you marry someone you didn’t trust to begin with? That’s insane
The thing is, you can never make sure that she won’t cheat on you.
Most of the time, wifes also go away because they can’t stand their husbands anymore, especially when they have become clingy, reactive to everything they said or did, and never really lead in the relationship or marriage.
A woman can probably see you in 2 ways
As a high value guy who has things going on , awesome hobbies, climbs the career lader or works on his body in the gym, smart, awesome doesn’t always says yes and stands up for himself has boundaries ect.
She will have interest in the same things he is interested in and to make such a guy happy makes her happy.
Or a low value guy, codependent, pleasing enables communication all the time, is reactive to the things she does, doesn’t stands up for himself, gave up all his hobbies for the marriage, and all this because he can’t run away anymore.
So, wich guy are you?
The good thing is, you can look at your own behavior, and there’s always a gym nearby and something to do and better clothes to buy.
Look at your codependent behaviors first, since it’s a marriage you probably don’t want to go and nuke the whole thing, but you want to get rid of the codependency first.