Rant:
In a perfect world my boyfriend would be having sex every day multiple times a day like when I was 19f and he was like 24m. We are 24f and 29m now with an almost 2 year old and responsibilities. Been together for almost 5 years.
I have school to study for but never get enough studying in because the moment our child goes to bed its, “can we have sex”? The moment he asks, is the moment all interest in sex just leaves my body.
I get anxiety at night because I know I will feel like shit if I say no. I been in pain and just drained so ive been saying no for a couple nights. (Im in trade school so alot of physical labor)
He alwaty says “how are you overwhelmed and tired, you dont work”.
When he wants to cuddle I usually say no because he makes it sexual and I just end up with a dick pressed up against me and him asking for sex. Cuddling can never just be cuddling. So he gets mad and offended that I dont want to cuddle anymore.
I asked for a few bucks the other night and because I didnt give him some “love” the night before, it was a solid no. Last time I checked I wasn’t a prostitute and if I was I would be charging alot more then coffee money.
I just cant find it in me to have sex every single night when there are a million things that need to be done.
For him me refusing sex is like me saying I dont love him. I love him but Im just exhausted and overwhelmed at this point in my life and sex is the last thing on my mind.
When I tell him the meds Im on effect my sex drive he acts like it effects him more. Id rather be mentally stable then horny 24/7 like he seems to be.
My life just feels like a shit show.
TLDR: Boyfriend wants sex every night and its exhausting.
29 comments
this man is emotionally and sexually manipulative. leave him
Concerning that you would feel like shit if you said no. It sounds like you know his response to a rejection are going to be negative, maybe even abusive (especially financial abuse in your situation). I’m sorry you’re going through this but you deserve to rest and not have the expectation of sex hanging over you every night
You’re in a relationship with a man child.
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This will ruin your sex life and self image. Meanwhile he’ll be looking around. I just left a relationship like this. No affection, manipulating me into sex with tantrums and emotional abuse. I was constantly anxious and felt like an object. Found out he’s a porn addict. He didn’t talk to me and tell me he got on Tinder and was dating other people before I realized what he was doing. He blamed me for not giving him any. This after he insulted me in bed when he had erectile dysfunction. I don’t miss him. I want to feel like there’s another grown person around who cares what I’m feeling and thinking. You deserve better than your current situation.
yikes!
cut him loose..
why are you doing all the work? what’s he doing for both of you?
You have a child and a full load every day. He doesn’t get to use your body for sex every night just because he feels like it. He can jerk off like a fucking adult if he’s horny. If he’s threatening to get sex from someone else then he’s saying he will deliberately hurt you for not obeying him.
You need to have a talk with him not the Internet.
What are your needs?
What are his needs?
If sex feels like a chore there’s a good chance your relationship is done
get away from this guy.
Maybe you feel like shit saying no because he punishes you when you do?
5 years and doesn’t know how to turn you on other than hey let’s have sex. It’s draining. I would say talk about that, but him not giving you money is a deal breaker for me
So I want sex everyday. And why I get it almost everyday I think is because there is no pressure to actually do it. I want it for sure. And I live my day seducing my gf and making her happy so she wants to and so I do get it a lot, but the point is communication gets us there.
If you are having trouble communicating then that must be addressed <3
Is there any romance? Does he do and/or say things to make you feel sexy? Or he just expects you to be ready and willing at a moment’s notice? Does he understand that you’re not a fleshlight and need to be in a proper mood to have sex?
That would be super offputting for somebody just to ask for it. It’s different if he was trying to set the mood or whatever, but it sounds transactional based on the fact that he refuses to give you money if you don’t give him sex.
I think this is a situation where couple’s counseling would be a good step.
1.) People have different needs and sex drives.
2.) He doesn’t respect that.
3.) He punishes you for saying no, which is why you feel bad for saying no. That’s not okay.
4.) Raising a child and going to school is work.
Sit him down. Explain the issues at hand
1) Taking care of kid
2) physically tired from studying/apprenticeship training
3) There are chores/tasks that need to get done
4) You need to study.
It does help regarding setting expectations. Also maybe he needs to do more with helping out.
Regarding intimacy, make a schedule. It sounds unromantic from the outside, but once again it helps manage expectations and you can get psyched up for the intimacy rather than getting stressed out when pressured.
Regarding the rod when cuddling, tell him to turn the other way and cuddle him from the back. It keeps unwanted probing out of your space, and gives him a free hand for handling matters.
Hope you can talk about this with him, and I hope you can both manage expectations. I hope that this can go better. Lots of luck.
I’m surprised no one here is saying it, but this is sexual abuse. Yes, this will escalate. He has complete financial control over you and is making you feel like must have sex with him or there are consequences to be faced. ***This is coercion, and it is abusive.***
This goes BEYOND a high sex drive and I am absolutely disgusted at the amount of people on here that think this is just an issue of one person being hornier than the other. No, this goes beyond sex drive, this is about power and control. If you have a high sex drive and you treat your SO this way, you are an abuser.
In a normal and healthy relationship where one person has a higher drive than the other, they understand that the other partner needs rest in between sessions. Ive been the partner with the higher drive, and not once would I ever dream of making my SO feel bad for saying no a couple of times, to the point where I would flat out deny them coffee money or use whatever power I have over them as a means of punishing them for not giving me what I want.
OP, you need to a counselor so that you can hear it straight from a professional’s mouth.
Secondly, he sounds like a bad fuck. Who in their right mind just blurts out “Can we have sex?”. Where’s the romance? Where is the kissing? Where’s the romance? What is he doing to get you going?
Ew I was in a relationship like this and thinking about it makes my skin crawl. “Hey let’s have sex” and just grinding his dick on you any time he’s close enough to do so?? He feels entitled to your body. Like a little sex puppet he can put “providing for you” coins in and get unsatisfying (for you) intercourse. I don’t really have a ton of advice to deal with it other than to let you know my man never changed and i’m infinitely happier without him
Different people have different libidos. Now I can understand voicing a complaint if it’s weeks/months between sexual interactions. Daily though isn’t realistic, you’re not a sex doll, nor is every day rainbows and sunshine.
There isn’t any really good advice to be given if he doesn’t wish to listen. Sometimes you’ll not be in the mood, it’s to be expected. He shouldn’t punish or treat you poorly because of it – you need to inform him of this as it’s abusive. Guess what having a partner being abusive will cause? A lower libido. So he’s shooting his own foot.
I’m sorry, hopefully he’ll listen. At 24 though, there is a point where moving on is wiser for your mental health the path isn’t going to change.
op, correct where wrong, but it sounds like you feel disregarded & ‘used’ as an object to him to get off & get release.
I’ll delete if no parallels, but I once had an ex who I remember telling one night “fuck no, fuck off! i just feel like a hole to you”
being run ragged with study/work + plus the vast vast vast majority of house chores, cleaning & life admin/organisation labour can make one feel disregarded, disrespected & unseen by as the lack of practical effort & care outside the bedroom. This can worm sad frustration in.
When it begins to mirror a lack of romantic effort & care in the bedroom, sex becomes onssided & selfish. A hard dick poking when you need work or sleep and pesting, with no romantic foreplay or complementary caring during the day is cold & ergh:/
Unromantic sex pressure when there are other big failings in how you are treated in the broader relationship – are terminal de-hornymakers.
Not sure if you can fix this – goddamn it many try for decades
But if you do leave – i promise your sex drive will likely miraculously come back to life, outside of this current pressured unhappy context.
​
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*Edit:* as school kids learn thesedays: **Enthusiastic consent is the only valid consent.** Non-active, un-happy, unenthusiastic consent is not valid.
It may not be helpful to label his pressure & manipulation as sexual coersion or some variation of sexual harm. But it low-key is. His money withholding is obvious financial abuse. Tying it to forcing sex acts is sexual abuse.
You all deserve a far happier home & forever-life than this. Even if you just trial split at first, until you feel you have the mental capacity & bandwidth to hold your own against him and state what you will & wont put up with.
Get a white board, start writing down the “to-dos” for today. Him visually seeing your to do list and asking him to take a task off of it may help him visually see all that you do.
Listen- anyone who tries to strongarm you into sex by financially abusing you, berating you and manipulating you is abusive and you need to leave. Is this the relationship model you want your child to think is ok?
I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m not taking no for an answer is a huge turn off. I’m acting like it’s just sex and the fact is there’s no romance is a huge turn off. Saying you don’t work when you’re going to school full-time and taking care of a two-year-old is a humongous turn off!. Without you feeling loved and respected by him means you’re not going to feel attracted to him. Sex isn’t just a physical thing that people do together. Sex should be a celebration of all the other things that are right in your relationship.
His behavior is self-defeating.
It’s hard to want to have sex with someone that only shows affection when they want to fuck. By putting so much emphasis on sex, he’s turning you off. If he showed you real, genuine affection without expectation of getting his dick touched, you’d probably have warmer, fuzzier feelings for him which might just lead to more sexy time. Enthusiastic sexy time.
He needs to quit whining and being selfish and obnoxious. He needs to treat you like a human being that he loves and respects. Ask about your day. Give you a back rub without putting his dick up against you. Bring home your favorite treat from the local bakery. Pull his weight around the house and caring for your child. Seeing a man wash dishes and play out in the yard with the kid is sexy as hell.
And if he can’t do these things, he doesn’t deserve you. Ditch his ass and focus on yourself and your child.
Buy him a sex toy.
honestly you two just aren’t sex compatible, he’s an ass for how he handles it but you two without serious couples therapy to work on boundaries, expectations and communication are going to struggle and most likely break up
Colty?
He’s sexually abusing you. Coercing and guilting you into sex is disgusting and abusive. There should never be any consequences for refusing sex. And him holding money over your head for not having sex with him is so, so, so fucked up. OP, please work on getting out of the situation. This man has zero consideration for your needs. No one who loves you would ever treat you this way. If you stay with him longer, its going to convolute your view on sex and your body. I stayed with someone like this for 2 years and I’m still working on undoing the damage.
I think you need to leave. Sex is not transactional. This almost is abusive with how much you feel forced to please him or else face negative repercussions. If one party says no, then it should be respected. This man does not respect you. He sounds like a stupid teenage boy with how much he’s thinking strictly with his dick. This is stupid.