About 6 weeks ago we found out my wife was pregnant, about 6 hours ago I found out she was cheating on me.
I wish I could make this up, and I swear it feels like a bad dream. I’m so shocked and upset.
I have been with my wife for 10 years this year. I thought our relationship was great. I’ve never felt more comfortable or happier. We are both 28.
I’m gonna make this incredibly long story short. She has been cheating on me the last 1.5 months with her ex. Apparently they talked on Facebook when she reached out to tell him happy birthday (she instigated by doing this I am assuming). They slept together 3 times, hung out 6.
She was going to tjmaxx sending me pictures of baby clothes but hanging out with him.
This woman was my world. I did everything I could for her. I was so excited for this baby. We were trying. She swears it’s mine and there’s no way that it’s his, but she lied saying they only slept together once. He told me 3 times, she finally admitted it. She said that she told him she loved him but didn’t mean it. My thing is how would she love him after only one month? They dated like 13 years ago. It’s just hard for me to believe and I’m questioning if the child is even mind. It’s literally the worst day of my life guys. I’m terrified. My anxiety is awful. I feel so sick. She’s texting me saying she wants to work it out but she was so shady.
Apparently she turned off life 360 and her mom noticed something was up but didn’t tell me. Come to find out she told her mom she saw him but they just talked and nothing more. I have life 360 on my phone because my brother, sister and wife wanted to be in the loop with where I was which was fine. But I don’t use it to track them and never have. I trusted her 100%. It doesn’t feel real. I keep hoping this is a bad nightmare and I have anxiety and it’s freaking me out so bad. I can’t believe she did this to me.
We have a home together, all of our finances are together, this was the life I wanted and now idk how to move on. I’m so betrayed. She was the sweetest woman I’ve ever met and I’m just in shock idk how to feel.
47 comments
She needs to get a paternity test asap, if its yours you’ll need to figure out the legal arrangements of the child. Find any evidence you can of her cheating, you’ll need it for the lawyers. This sucks a lot and take the time you need to grieve but now it’s time to handle it to protect yourself
This is terrible. Get your affairs in order see a lawyer build your proof and get that dna test.
She wants to be with you because most likely her ex dumped her. Remember if you were her first choice she would have never cheated on you. Easier said than done but you need to dump her cheating ass. Do you really want to be with someone who had sex with another man while possibly your child was growing inside her after she promised to forsake all others? That’s a whole new level of evil. If you stay you will never have a piece of mind because the trust in your relationship is gone.
I’m so sorry. Huge hugs.
You need to prioritize getting a noninvasive paternity test. I would also consult with a lawyer, to see what your options are. In the mean time, I’d have her stay with your in-laws. You need time alone to process what happened.
Your wife had an affair. She lied and gaslighted you. And she continued seeing him post discovery to “talk”. She’s untrustworthy and as it stands she isn’t reconciliation material. If you haven’t already done so, expose the affair to mutual friends and family. You need support, and she needs to see the consequences of her actions. If her ex has a partner, inform them as well.
I’m gonna be honest, reconciliation rarely works. Once trust is broken to such a degree it rarely comes back. Even if the kid ends up being yours, and you somehow manage to stay together, her pregnancy, and the birth of your child will forever be tainted by this event. Look up and implement [the 180](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/). Know your worth, and show her that your willing to walk away if she continues down this path.
Don’t make any quick or rash decisions. Talk to a lawyer. Make sure your finances are separated and in order. Get a DNA test. Now I’m going to tell you what you don’t want to hear. Only 10-15% of relationships survive infidelity. Once the trust is gone, you live in a constant state of paranoia and anxiety . You don’t want to live your life as a prison guard on your gf.
Right now, you can’t fathom being alone. You have your whole life tied into this woman. But I can tell you being lonely is much better than living in fear, wondering when the next time it will happen. Your gf didn’t get blackout drunk at a party or club and sleep with a random guy . She deliberately sought out this guy for multiple encounters. I’m not sure how that translates to she really loves you. And take her act with a grain of salt. She is now panicking because she realizes she blew up her future family. She isn’t necessarily sorry she cheated, she is sorry she got caught.
Can you make this relationship work? Sure, anything is possible, though the odds are against it. But even if you can make it work, it will never be the same. It’s a whole new relationship because basically, the old one is dead.
28 year old wife of 10 years cheating with an ex? Was this ex from high school wtf?
See a lawyer, get a paternity test.
I say this to everyone who’s a victim of cheating. They’re not sorry they did it only that they got caught. It takes hours of continuous multiple choices to cheat on someone. From reaching out, to flirting, to making plans, to getting ready, to meeting up, to all the physical stuff. Everyone knows cheating is devastating so the choice to cheat is the choice to prioritise their pleasure over your wellbeing.
If the child isn’t yours just split. Leave.
If it is, maintain a functional relationship (even see a counsellor if you’re not sure how) but don’t allow contact for any romantic purposes she’ll just lie to you again.
This is definitely a shit situation. Get a paternity test done asap and then leave. Chicks do this shit all the time.
– She pursued ex on Facebook
– She cheated
– She lied
– She told the other guy she loves him but “didn’t mean it”
– She turned off Life 360
– 6 weeks ago, and pregnant for 1.5 months
Just one of the above is enough to end a relationship. As tough as it is, this won’t get better if you do decide to stay in it.
Dude, I’m so sorry. I think your relationship is over. Get a paternity test and go from there…but I don’t think you will be able to trust her again.
I have experienced something similar, but not as extreme. My boyfriend of 6 years admitted to me that he was still in love with his ex girlfriend. Apparently he ran into her at a Starbucks and it brought all the feelings back. This happened months before he told me. I was so hurt and confused, but very much still in love with him so we tried to make things work. I grew very insecure and began doubting myself tremendously. I started looking through his phone while he slept. I stalked his ex’s Instagram daily and constantly compared myself to her. All the trust was completely broken. We lived in this toxic relationship for another year and to this day I wish I would’ve just ended things the day he told me.
You are a strong person. Even though it’s hard to leave a long term relationship especially with your lives so intertwined, you must have respect for yourself. You must prioritize your own well being. I sincerely hope this child isn’t yours so you can cut ties and never look back. But if it is, you can either stay with her and try to forgive and forget this situation or you can separate and split custody. The choice is yours. I really wish you good luck in navigating this.
You need to BREATH, OP.
Tell her if there is ANY CHANCE of this marriage working, she needs to give you space to think. Obviously this marriage is dead because she let it drown while having sex with this other guy, but you need to get her to cool her heels so you can start taking steps to protect yourself. Turn off any track apps.
First step is to get away from her and calm down. Breath. Go to the gym, meditate, do whatever you need to push through this immediate disaster. Once you have your head in the right place, call your brother and sister, tell them everything – you need support. You need to tell everyone in your support network so they can expect you to need them to lean on because your heart and soul have been shattered and you are going to be fighting to pull them back together.
Thirdly, get a fucking lawyer. Possibly do that before calling your support network.
This marriage is OVER, OP. You gave everything you had, and that wasn’t good enough. People who cheat don’t stop cheating. She is giving you all this lip service because she is losing her fall back – she wanted someone to be her rock while she went and fucked around. NOTHING that comes out of her mouth is trustworthy.
DNA test NOW. Tell her you need that or else it’s instant divorce (you are still going to divorce her, because lol no fucking way she is mature enough to be in a committed relationship) but you need to know for a fact if the kids is yours.
If it is not, then you need to find out through your lawyer if that means you are on the hook for child support, because yes, in some places the husband is no matter if he is the blood father or not. The test needs to be through a legitimate group, and you need to make sure of that. If the child is yours, then you need to switch all your emotions off and figure out how to are going to coparent with someone like this. Do what’s best for the baby. GO TO A FUCKING LAWYER TO GET CUSTODY ARANGMENTS WRITTEN IN STONE. DO NOT be one of those people that ‘work it out themselves’ because when you have a lying cheater as a coparent, those agreements are just like your marriage vows – they don’t mean shit to your ex.
Your wife is not your friend. She is not your partner. She doesn’t love you and WILL NOT DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.
YOU need to protect yourself.
I’m sorry you are going through this, but please, take a step back, put on some music, your comfort movie, a cozy game, and get your head in the right space. Figure out how to lower your anxiety and think of things logically. this relationship is dead. You can’t be in a marriage with someone that can not be in a committed relationship. It’s not possible, and she clearly can not be in a committed relationship. Do what you have to in order to protect yourself so your child – if it is yours – has at least one parent that has their shit together and can set a good example.
And that means not allowing yourself to be disrespected like this. I know you might be avoidant to divorce her because you come from a broken home, but babe, that’s not what makes a bad childhood. Shitty parents make a bad childhood. If you are a good and present father, your child is going to be happy. It doesn’t matter if you are still married to a spouse that cheats on you – that’s not what makes a happy, healthy child.
A parent with self respect, boundaries that they maintain and enforce, and empathy are what make a happy, healthy child.
Breath. Alert your support network. LAWYER. DNA test.
you have to protect yourself dude! fuck her!
” I dont think I can live without her”
well, she clearly can.
protect yourself financially and emotionally, you got this!
I would start by consulting with a lawyer, given that you share your finances with her. I know you are thinking about feelings and your life now, but life will be very bad and you’ll feel even worse if you also get a big financial damage.
Then I would ask a dna test for the paternity. I dont know how soon you can do it so that it is safe for the baby, but it should be possible.
My advice: if the baby turns out not to be yours just leave! Leave and make sure to follow the instructions of the best possible lawyer to get out of her as much as possible. If baby is not yours and she cheated, she should not have rights on your part. Any maybe, you have compensation right. Depends on the law of your country.
If the baby is yours, it’s a mess. Rule is, if she did this once, she can do it again. So unless there is a special reason, I would not trust her to continue the relation. It would require a lot of effort and therapy. You’ll have to decide yourself. Of course for the child the best environment is an happy family and an happy marriage, but this does not depend only on you, and 2 good divorced parents might be better than 2 very unhappy parents.
OP,
As lost and hurt you feel right now, the most important thing to remember is that you will survive. You’re going through the grieving process. Don’t make any major decisions until you’re calm enough to think rationally. Go stay with your parents or a friend for a few days.
For the near future:
1. Get a paternity test
2. See a therapist to talk through your emotions
3. Contact a lawyer to discuss your options (stay/go)
4. Consider sharing details with your family and her family for a support network. Even though she might not deserve one, she’s probably just now realizing how super badly she just screwed up her life.
5. Repeat – talk to a therapist because you are going through such a huge significant emotional event that by working with a professional early will help you process the emotion and lower it’s long term impact on you.
She cheated on you 3 times that you know of. He may not be the only AP. I doubt he is, they rarely are.
Dude, nobody is worth a second chance after cheating. Nobody.
If the child is yours, you will be a father to them. If not, good job you ordered that paternity test before wasting more of your time, money or love on a cheater.
Bro please, get a paternity test, take all the evidence of the cheating you can, try to separate finances and get a lawyer.
And also something very important is to take care of your mental health, do everything you need to be well, don’t think that life is over now…get therapy, talk to friends or family, exercise, anything to clear your head.
Please don’t fall into drugs and alcohol, stay healthy and strong.
All my strength and encouragement bro♥️
Most times the best way to get through something is through it as fast as possible. First get a lawyer and know your rights as it pertains to paternity and what to do and not do. Second get a therapist. You’ll need it. Third read chump lady and prepare yourself for the shit show to come. Also check out Fallens guide here on Reddit. Your 28 and if the kid isn’t your you have plenty of time to find someone that’s not going stab you in the back. Right now it’s a 50/50 chance that kid is yours. Think about that. Your wife has basically gambled with your happiness and mental and physical health by stealing your agency and having a affair. This isn’t about you. She’s broken and she needs to fix herself. She’s going to use that baby against. Her family is going use it as leverage to get you to stay. Your family may do the same. If the kid does turn out to be yours you don’t have to be married to be father of the year. You can still be the best dad and find happiness again with someone else.
Get a Paternity test – that’s mandatory. If she says no, then straight to only speaking through a lawyer as you immediately divorce her.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s trickle truthing you and has been fucking him for years.
Even if it is your kid, she’s dead to you and I’d only be civil for the child, so communicate only on visits, nothing personal, no smiles or fun. The woman you know and married is dead and never existed.
What a disgusting woman. She deserves to be alone.
Worst thing a women could do to a man is make him question if the kids is his. I know your reeling but this is over. You cant have a life with this cheating piece of…
I have zero sympathy for women who mess with a mans child.
I hope its not yours man if its not cut and run far and fast. If it is ….well still break up with her and get a lawyer.
Fuck this pathetic relationship. She is a worthless piece of human trash. Yes she might be carrying your child, but good god. Imagine if this was the other way round, man was shopping sending photos of things for partner to partner when with some woman, he would be the worst thing ever. Remove it from your life, get your evidence, get a pat test, and move the fuck on as best you can. A pathetic excuse for a woman, sorry human being.
Probably ap dumped her Learning she was pregnant, if it’s his probably doesn’t want anything with it and if not with your wife.
You certain ly can bring a better life to this kid (if yours) Coparenting than being raised in a loveless toxic home.
She should be going to stay at her mom’s. Don’t leave the home, this could be seen as abandonment. Get a lawyer. Even if you decide not to divorce let her know how serious you are. Separate finances, close all shared credit cards. Take all money out of any joint accounts give her half and put your half in an account she can’t touch!
Save the texts you have in a couple places in case she gets your phone and tries to delete them. Does her mother know about the affair? If not make your wife tell her, while you are there so you can be sure she doesn’t lie.
Make her write a timeline of everything that happened since her first Facebook message. Tell her if she leaves anything out you will divorce immediately! Then make her read it so she has to face every lie that she had to tell.
Of course get a DNA test ASAP
>This woman was my world. I did everything I could for her. I was so excited for this baby. We were trying. She swears it’s mine and there’s no way that it’s his, but she lied saying they only slept together once. He told me 3 times, she finally admitted it. She said that she told him she loved him but didn’t mean it. My thing is how would she love him after only one month? They dated like 13 years ago. It’s just hard for me to believe and I’m questioning if the child is even mind. It’s literally the worst day of my life guys. I’m terrified. My anxiety is awful. I feel so sick. She’s texting me saying she wants to work it out but she was so shady.
The marriage is done.
She is a habitual liar. But what is particularly insidious is the lengths she went in lying right to your face. She was out buying baby clothes actively hanging out with the guy she was cheating with? She fully intended to pass the baby off as yours regardless of the paternity.
She then proceeded to lie and confessed only after the guy she slept with confessed the amount of times she’d done it.
You need to begin by contacting a Lawyer immediately, separating your finances, informing your friends and family. You’ll have to get an STD test since she’s had unprotected sex with you and someone else in a short time frame and then a DNA test because even if the child isn’t yours you can still be liable for child support since you’ll be the legal father if you aren’t on your way to divorcing at that time.
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>We have a home together, all of our finances are together, this was the life I wanted and now idk how to move on. I’m so betrayed. She was the sweetest woman I’ve ever met and I’m just in shock idk how to feel.
I’m willing to bet this isn’t the first time, liars don’t just pick a day to start lying, you’ll probably find that she was cheating for the whole relationship.
You were only in love with the person you thought she was, run far away from the person she is.
Get a paternity rest. If it’s yours divorce and co parent. If it’s not. divorce and no contract. You can’t be with a cheater
Wow this exact thing just happened to me.
Get a paternity test, and get a lawyer, immediately.
This might be hard to hear, but you don’t know this person. You might have at one point, but it’s over. Don’t keep it together for the kid, things will only get worse.
Get a family/divorce lawyer. NOW.
You MUST insist on a paternity test, a court-ordered one, a regular one will NOT do. There is one that can be done before the child is born, it’s more expensive but I think at this point paternity must be made iron-clad certain. You have every legal right to insist on that given what you know!
Whether conscious or not, she was trying to put you in “provider” mode while the other guy was her true “lover”
I know it’s devastating and life-shattering but you’ve got to pull yourself together. Do you want to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE possibly bringing up another man’s genetic legacy??
Protect yourself and your interests at all costs. Reach out to trusted family and friends for moral support and strategic advice.
Make sure to get a paternity test OP.
But your best move right now is to lawyer up and start the process, someone who cheats WHILE pregnant has zero respect for
You.
Paternitytest NOW!! Only 3 times?? Thats 3 times too many…
And lawyer now…
She wasn’t very sweet when she was fucking her ex bf and lying to you, was she? Kick her down the road man. She isn’t who you thought she was and you deserve better.
Get a paternity test when the baby is born. If the baby is yours, great! Congratulations! Be an awesome dad. If not, that sucks. But then you are 100% done with her.
I am sorry you’re going through this. It does seem like more and more I read about couples who get together so young running into these issues around your age. Obviously everyone here is going to suggest a paternity test – duh, some other dude has been with your wife, you can’t take her at her word, so of course you need to verify paternity – and divorce. I havent gone through the comments yet, but I assume you’re reluctant on divorce, as most people are.
If that’s the case, let me just remind you how much life you still have ahead of you. In the immortal words of the brilliant poet Mary Oliver “So what is it you want to do with your one wild a precious life?”
Do you want to live in a constant state of worry that your beloved is thinking of someone else? Do you want to *always* have that kernel of doubt? Do you want to wonder, constantly, about how your child was conceived while your wife was having an affair? Do you want to know that you were so disposable to someone that they could do this to you? And finally, do you want to know that you have so little self respect that you allow them to get away with treating you like this?
If this happened after 25 years and you’re 43 and the kids are getting older, then maybe you take a lot more time to think about everything. But at your age, I’d urge you to start over with someone else. Co-parent your child, but give yourself a chance at a relationship you can feel truly confident in.
Man that’s rough sorry you had to hear that. The silver lining is that you’ve been saved a potential lifetime of suffering and infidelity. I can’t fathom how a pregnant woman can cheat, it’s disgusting.
Sorry to say this, but i would advise getting a paternity test ASAP – and if it’s yours – discuss getting an abortion? If it’s not yours, pack your things, and speak to a lawyer (regardless) to initiate divorce proceedings. This is a very clear violation of your marriage and relationship – and a point of no return in my view.
I really hope she chooses to get it aborted – i see so much potential suffering for that child 🙁
Better act fast. Tell her to get a paternity test as soon as possible. You can do it while pregnant. You’re the husband and will legally be on the birth certificate and on the hook for child support unless you got the paternity test.
A baby born while married is automatically legally yours and you will have to pay child support even if it is not biologically your child. Get the paternity test now and divorce before the birth if it is not yours.
Another “friends with EXs on socials” that could have been avoided.. get a paternity test. 100% and dont sign any birth certificate until you do. From there you’ll have a much clearer picture of what the future looks like. Sorry dude
BRO RUN. She cheated on you most likely didn’t use protection with this dude and the timeline he probably knocked her up the first time. Get a paternity test and if that kid isn’t yours you cut this woman out of your life
Op, separate your money from hers right now. Get your ducks in a row, see lawyer etc. She doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth, let alone that she’s cheating or found someone else. Make suitable arrangements for the baby if it it yours. I bet hé won’t stick around with a newborn.
If she’s only a few weeks pregnant def get an abortion. Demand it a part of moving forward. Then break up.
Get a paternity test and if it’s not yours then cut your lost and move on. You’re still young and can/will recover from this. If the baby is yours then I wish you the best.
Oh my god. I am so, so sorry. Lawyer, std test, paternity test, therapist. Try to stay away from alcohol and substances. See if there is a friend or family member that can stay with you.
It may hurt, but you might want to start digging deeper. I don’t think this is the first time. Phone records, private investigator, try to find the burner phone, the whole nine. If you don’t want to know, then don’t pursue that.
If the kid is yours, try to keep in mind it’s not the kid’s fault. (But my god, how can you not be reminded of the betrayal. I just…wow.) Do your best as a parent. Just know, this isn’t your fault. There isn’t anything you could have done or said. It’s her mistake. Maybe check out r/survivinginfedelity ? Best of luck to you man. Damn.
Hey man, went through a similar situation. Get a paternity test, she’s sorry because you caught her.
I looked at your post history. You say in one that your wife seemed upset/down after finding out she was pregnant. I’m sorry to say that she was probably upset because she didn’t know who the father is. She was probably scared. Don’t stay in this relationship. I hate to say it, but hopefully the baby is not yours so you can have a less complicated exit from your marriage.
1. Paternity test
2. Divorce
3. Rebuild yourself
Above all else, if the kid is yours, put them first and be the best parent and human being you can be.
She’s not just a cheater, she’s a liar without accountability. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Here’s hoping you find hope, healing, and happier days ahead.
Fuck, your post history is absolutely breaking my heart
😭😭😭😭
You do not deserve this. I don’t know what to say except I am so sorry 🩵🩵🩵
I would highly recommend getting a paternity test asap, and then a divorce. If she cheated once, she’ll definitely do it again
Very sorry for your situation, brother.
Think about how you would advise a son to deal with this situation.
OP, I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling from, but most importantly get yourself tested and stay with a close friend or family member. Take it one day at a time. Try not to drown your sorrow in booze or drugs; they are not great decision makers. See a therapist – even if just one session, hit the gym and keep some distance between yourself and the wife. It is still early so termination is an option, if not then get a DNA test as soon as possible. If she is actually remorseful then she will make that apparent in her words and actions. It’s your choice whether you want to give her a second chance or not. If she does not seem genuine about working on your marriage and future, giving you full honesty about her actions and security this baby is yours, you know the real answer about where this is headed. 28 is still very young, you have plenty of time to work on yourself and find a partner who will love and appreciate you for all your wonderful traits and faults. Lots of love and hope to you and this little one stuck in the middle of all this.
Compartmentalize.
Get a lawyer. Follow instructions.
Get a therapist. Follow instructions.
Begin connecting with family.
Stop talking to the ex until you are ready.