My (35F) husband (38M) told me I’m disgusting

48 comments

1. Why are you homeschooling them

2. Depression sucks. It makes you not want to do anything at all. Get those kids in a real school so that you have time to focus on you a little bit.

3. You’ve been through a lot. You need therapy badly. You need to carve out time for yourself. Your youngest needs to transition to their own room. Look into homeschooling where someone else teaches your kids. Join homeschooling groups for your kids to be get socialization.

4. Maybe it’s just because I was raised by hippies, but if you’re showering every other day and brushing your teeth every day, that’s not gross. That’s slightly sub-normal. Unless you’re one of those unfortunate souls who gets oily or sweaty super easily, or you spend a lot of time working out or in the hot sun, I doubt most people can tell the difference between showering every day vs every other day.

   I don’t think this is a hygiene thing, especially if you aren’t having sex.

5. Homeschooling children 🤡

6. Why are your children homeschooled? I would suggest trying some alternative, like a charter school, or just put them in school. I would venture to say their education will be better…YOu will have time to focus on you. Also get some counseling…

   YOu husband may have put it crudely, ok he was a jerk. However sometimes the information we need comes to us when we need it..He deserves a wife too, I am not sure why you have detached from him, but you have…Please get help…I swear you are not helping your children.

7. Honestly these days when I read posts like this about people dwelling on their past traumas and forcing their kids to suffer through their life with them by homeschooling/hovering 24/7…why? All of this constant validation people get on the internet is creating monsters.

8. You gotta stop playing the pity game and find something you think is worth interesting yourself and motivating yourself for.

   You will more likely than not die in the next 40 years, so get your shit together and make what you can of it.

9. Hello. I was homeschooled. I’m here to tell you to please put your kids in an actual school. Doing so will also give you more time to focus on yourself, which sounds like it’s needed. I’m sorry your husband said something so mean—can you explain to him how you’ve been feeling? He doesn’t seem to understand that you seem depressed.

   Edit: I hope you don’t feel attacked about homeschooling your kids as that is not my intention at all. I am here to offer my perspective as someone who has been homeschooled. I think you want what’s best for your kids and I can give you the perspective of a homeschooled kid (who knows a lot of other homeschooled kids) who is now an adult. If you have questions please feel free to DM me.

10. Are u in therapy?

    > youngest still co sleeps.

    I never slept with my parents

    >I am with them 24/7.

    He needs to take over sometime so u can get out & take a break

    >How do I explain that it’s just not easy for me to have the desire to put more effort in

    How about u tell him he needs to learn how to say things in a kinder way. He watches the kids & u can go to the gym.

    >But it’s like something inside me just hates me so much that I can’t

    Sounds like my bf & mom. Self sabotage. Both obese. Sad u cant communicate & he doesnt know this about u & uve been together that long.

    Marriage counseling

11. 29m clean and sober here. But my mental health, oof. Worse than ever. I get what you are feeling. I have a special needs 11yo, three bonus kids, and a 1yo. It’s rough. HOWEVER, my husband has said “hey honey why don’t you go take some alone time to feel like yourself” when he noticed I was caring for basics but hadn’t showered in a week before. Like, I physically just couldn’t. But he didn’t make fun, he told me in a gentle way and made a way for me to have time to. He’s an ass and I’m so sorry.

12. Seems like excuses for the lack of accountability on your end.

13. Can you explain me how your kids are being homeschooled when you have so much problems with yourself and your relationship?

14. Why are your children homeschooled? Having your eldest go to school would be a big start. It’s not healthy to have nothing else in your life

    he shouldn’t have told you he finds you disgusting. But he is also I think (badly worded) trying to tell you he’s worried about you?

15. Are you really sure that homeschooling is a smart choice here? Declining mental health, declining hygiene. You are supposed to be not only their mother but also their teacher. Essentially you are the main adult in their life and you are not ok at the moment.

    How people feel so confident in their teaching abilities always leaves me a bit baffled

16. Honey with all kindness, you’re doing your children a major disservice. In order to be a good mom, you have to take care of yourself. You can’t be a good mom or a good educator when you’re in this state. Think about what you’re silently teaching your kids about neglecting themselves and their health.

    You owe it to yourself and your children to put them in a real school so that you can use that time to heal and be a better mom. You can’t pour from an empty cup and it sounds like you’ve been cruising on empty for a little too long. Your husband is an asshole for not having empathy and approaching this with kindness, but babe he’s not wrong in that you need to take care of yourself. If you can’t love yourself enough right now, that is exactly what therapy and medications are for. It’s not fair to yourself or your children for you to ignore the very real tools you have available to heal.

17. You are doing a massive disservice to your children, they will suffer greatly in life due to lack of social skills, all because you don’t want them to be bullied or hear things you don’t want them to hear.

18. I think homeschooling unless there’s some kind of disability or hindrance is not beneficial in any way for a child.

    Let them start their social journey and you can work on your health. You don’t sound like you’re in a good place to take on this responsibility 24/7.

    You take care of you, so you can take care of them. Find yourself ♥️

19. [deleted]

20. Yikes. You shouldn’t have had kids.

21. Well I don’t see how his attitude is helping anything and I can see why you’re hurt but please put your kids in actual school, and get therapy for all your trauma and put effort into getting better.

22. You don’t believe in school? What? What exactly are you teaching these children?? You know you’re doing this all to yourself right? I’m totally ignoring what your husband said bc I’m gonna assume he is also incompetent. Two incompetent people raising the next generation of uneducated radicalized little goblins 👹

    I’m just assuming radicalized based on your words of “not believing in school” whatever that means

    You have more pressing issues than your hygiene or weight.

23. Your husband was needlessly impolite, but you clearly seem to have issues that need addressing.

    How is it that it’s always the people who can’t even clean themselves properly are the ones who don’t believe in schools and want to homeschool instead? That’s some certified Murica Moment.

    Being a parent is a task hard enough. Being a teacher as well might just be too much of a burden. There are people who spend years training to become ones. Stop thinking you can do better job at it when you’re mentally unwell and overworked to exhaustion.

24. He was impolite but I’d take this as a learning experience for you: put yourself first. As a mom we always want to give our all to our kids, house and significant other so sometimes that means putting aside stuff we need to do for ourselves like showering. Make sure you always get a shower in every day either morning or night and let your significant other carry some of the load so if you want to add in more personal stuff later you want to do for yourself then it won’t be a shock to their system trying to adjust to it

25. Put those children in SCHOOL and for the love of all that is holy get yourself some COUNSELING!! Best wishes.

26. Homeschooled kids are weirdos. Send them to school, go to the gym, have a shower and give them a normal life with school, friends and a happy mum

27. May I ask, can you not just send the kids to school and take that time for yourself to get more active and healthy (and happier!)

    I realize it’s not possible for everyone in the US. But I feel like your life is in a huge inbalance

28. Send your kids to a real school so they can have friends and real teachers and spend more time on yourself. Sorry you’re going through this but I don’t know how you can give them a quality education when you’re severely depressed and anxious. Good luck!

29. You don’t believe in schools but your kids teacher is a slovenly, depressed ex-junkie. Your husband wasn’t nice to you but I imagine he feels pretty slighted too. My feelings would be hurt if my partner couldn’t be bothered to prioritize their health for the sake of the little family we built also. Put your kids in real school and take care of yourself.

30. I agree with the many comments that say the kids should go to school and give you some self-care time. I would also add though, if you aren’t already seeing a therapist weekly or bi-weekly to work on your struggles, please do. If you are seeing a therapist, it isn’t working. Changes need to happen to help it work or you need a new therapist.

31. OP, you need a little room to breath. Homeschooling *and* co-sleeping? Why??? Please, let go a little. Co-sleeping is like napalm to a marriage.

32. Stop home schooling your kids, horrible idea

33. Sounds to me like letting the kids go to school will solve 50% of the problem. Use that extra free time to join a gym. That will also help with your confidence and mental health. Kids are like sponges at this age, and right now they’ve got front row seats on what’s going on. Is this what you want for them?

34. You are in no position to be teaching children. You’re mentally unstable, unable to care for yourself, and clearly not appropriately educated.

    Put those kids in school so they’re not hindered for the rest of their lives by your hubris.

35. You are on multiple meds and still can’t function but you’re HOMESCHOOLING??? Gimme a fucking break lady. Take a shower wash your ass and put your kids in school. Jesus. I’m sure reddit will pat you on the back and blame your husband lol

36. Put your kids in school

37. With all your trauma do you actually feel qualified to adequately homeschool your children? I get it they’re young now, but that’s going to change quickly. You can’t even take care of yourself right now how are you supposed to pour from an empty cup?

38. Why will parents think homeschooling is a good idea… I will never know

39. Step 1: stop home schooling.
    Step 2: literally everything else.

40. Please get your kids into a school.

41. I do not understand why anyone thinks they can/should homeschool. My mother was a teacher for over 30 years and I have the utmost respect for educators. It requires a masters degree (plus many other skills & requirements) to be a teacher, so what makes parents think they can? Especially considering how much you’re struggling right now, you need to really look in the mirror and ask yourself – *Am I doing this for my children or am I doing this for me?* Your children will be absorbing so much more than basic math, English, and history etc. skills from you. So please think about what’s best for them and enroll them back in school.

    It’s obvious you’re struggling yourself and you need time to do your own healing. Something my therapist tells me time and time again- you can’t help others if you can’t help yourself. I genuinely hope you get the help you need and hope your kids get the education and care they deserve.

42. You’re focusing on the wrong thing here. I would be hurt if my spouse said that to me however instead of taking it personally, crying and shutting down, please look at the bigger picture.

    You sound like you have depression. Seek out some kind of therapy to help. There are many different ways to handle depression, please start researching which best suits you.

    Also everyone keeps mentioning home schooling and how you should get your kids into school. You should but you also need to stop teaching them when you aren’t fully together yourself. You say you think schools are unsafe but you are exposing your children to the following:

    – poor adult hygiene
    – mentally unstable adults as authority figures
    – adults who isolate from society
    – adults with poor relationship interactions

    They have no way to compare what they see at home to other examples that exist outside of their house so they assume home is the standard when that’s not the case at all.

    You are doing yourself and those kids a disservice by handle everything on our own. Get yourself and those kids help and stop thinking about how you could be thinner and prettier. That’s not the problem here.

43. I don’t know why this thread has devolved into a discussion about homeschooling when that was not *at all* your question. That’s obnoxious.

    Did your husband use the word disgusting? Like he straight up said “OP, you are disgusting”? Or did he use different words and that’s how it made you feel?

    If he literally told you you were disgusting then this is a bigger conversation, because no one should be speaking to you that way. Especially somebody who loves you. Especially someone with small children who are learning how to exist in the world.

    Are you safe with your spouse? Is there a larger conversation that you need to have with him about the direction your marriage is heading in?

    You’ve been through a lot. You deserve a relationship where you feel respected.

44. Can I please ask why, as a recovering addict whos battling severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD, you think it’s a good idea to home school your children? You’re taking away from their childhood as well as severely affecting your life. It starts with you to improve and no one else, make the decisions even if they’re not easy to make. You need to force yourself to have some discipline in your life and take control no matter how hard you think it is.

45. People here have given you very reasonable choices.

    You need to put the kids in school and free up your time to take care of your mental health and marriage.

    The fact that “you don’t believe in schools” needs to be put aside as that belief is contributing to your depression, which is impacting your ability to take care of yourself, your kids, and your marriage.

    It’s actually very very selfish to hold onto a personal belief if it is contributing to destroying your family and kids’ well-being.

    Your way has clearly not worked. You need to try alternative ways to get your mental health in a better spot.

46. Stop homeschooling. Set the youngest one up in preschool and register the oldest for public school. You are overwhelmed and need to take care of yourself before you can care for others. Many medications have weight gain as a side effect, talk to your Doctor about recommending a good therapist.
    Your husband is completely out of line.

47. You thought that with all this baggage that you should drag kids into this mess, face it you can’t even take care of yourself how do you manage children? You should try supporting yourself for awhile . Get those kids in school you are not remotely qualified to be homeschooling , I don’t mean to be harsh you are doing your children no favors and you husband isn’t do you any either

48. 1. Showering every other day is normal for most people. Unless you’re regularly getting covered in gross shit or are one of the unlucky folks who suffer from a medical condition that makes them constantly sweat/stink, you don’t really NEED to shower more often than that (hot water + constantly stripping the oils from your skin and hair is TERRIBLE for both.)
    2. Even if your mental health was 100% perfect and you had a degree in early childhood education, you probably shouldn’t be homeschooling your children. Not only is that shit rough on the person doing the teaching, it’s not great for the kids, either.
    3. Your husband KNOWS that he hurt your feelings. THAT’S WHY HE DID IT.
    4. He also knows that shit’s hard for you. The fact that he’s not trying to make things EASIER for you tells you all you should need to know about him.