My boyfriend’s brother(37 M) had leukemia 7 years ago, now he is healthy. My boyfriend is very close to him as he is his only sibling, they call each other everyday. I am also grateful to him for being there for us always, he helped me to get a better job. Their parents died early & they were raised by grandparents who were already very old. As he is 15 years older he literally raised my boyfriend. He paid for my boyfriend’s college as he did not want him to go through student loans. My boyfriend became a self made millionaire at 21 because he focused on developing his his skills by taking online courses etc. than trying to pay his bills in college.
He married a woman(35 F) 10 years ago and had a son, he and his wife always dreamed of 2 kids, they were really sad after knowing from hospital that he is now infertile. They went to other doctors,all said the same. One day boyfriend asked me before I was going to work that what if he donate sperm, I said nothing as I never thought about it. His brother’s wife called me out of nowhere the same night at 2 AM when we were sleeping. She said to me in passive aggressive way that why you not allowing him to donate sperm ? I was surprised I said what? She said you don’t know?
She told me how they wanted the kid to be closely related to both of them and & have good genes like my boyfriend. She is only child like me so no siblings. I feel even though we are close to them they should have discussed this properly face to face, asked us first, told the whole process, etc. then let us make the decision. After the call my husband said that his brother called him yesterday & that he wants to do it to see his brother’s face happy. I told him how rude they were. He said that his brother came much earlier in his life than me and that he is older so he can be rude. We argued a lot, he says that he will just be a fun uncle and we will have our own kids in future. I know he loves & respects me no less than his brother. I just wanted to be clear & make rules now. He says that I hurt him by making him choose between me and his brother and for do not want to talk for now. How to go on from now?
23 comments
>He said that his brother came much earlier in his life than me and that he is older so he can be rude
Firstly this is a really shitty thing to say and a huge red flag. I understand the whole family comes first thing, but if he allows other people, including his family to be rude to you then that shows where you truly fall on his list of priorities.
If he proceeds with the sperm donation and you want to stay with this man, make sure you have him talk to a lawyer first, otherwise he (and therefore by proxy you if you are married) may end up financially liable for the baby if his brother were to split with his wife.
There are two issues here. The matter of genetic material itself, and the matter of how entitled they acted. About the donation itself, there is no way out, and I am not sure what to tell you. Personally, I think I would be oh right with that in your place, but I could understand you not being so.
The matter of entitlement and lack of respect is a separate matter. Your bf endorsed his brother rudeness, just because he is older. This is no excuse. This decision should be discussed properly in person and so on. If this is your only real issue here, then ask your bf to make them wait a year or so. Make it no secret that you do it, because they acted entitled to your bf genetic material and disregarded your feelings as well. It should show them that you will not accept disrespect from them.
You’re allowed to be angry at a 2am call from an angry woman who thought you’d vetoed a sperm donation.
However, it’s not really your business. Ask her for an apology and just let the process happen. Your boyfriend will be the fun uncle, same as he is with the first child.
You can be mad about the late phone call but thats about it. The rest is on your BF. But if i were your bf. Nope, heavy nope, nope, nope. Id have more peace of mind knowing my spawn is not being raised as my nephew.
I’m not clear from OP’s post if she is opposed to the idea in general or is just ticked off that the brother and wife didn’t ask her in the way she thought she should have been asked…
>My boyfriend’s brother
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>After the call my husband said that his brother
Is he your boyfriend or husband? Because any advice given could differ based on this relationship status.
Either way, he should have been more upfront & honest with you (instead of posing it as a hypothetical), instead of you getting the full story from the brother’s wife.
I don’t understand your argument, how are they “rude”? The brother asked his own brother (your BF) first, as he should – brother to brother. Your boyfriend asked you about it and his brother’s wife made a personal call to you to discuss it. So, it is not as anyone is disrespecting you, or doing things behind your back.
Sure, it is a big thing to ask, but not an illogical, or uncommon one.
Why would you make your BF chose between you and his brother (his only close family) who raised him and helped him? Don’t fore him to chose or risk losing him.
His brother and wife did nothing wrong.
In the title and the first 2 paragraphs, you call him your **boyfriend** – in which case this situation is **none of your business**. You’re not his wife, you’re not even his fiancée, you’re his girlfriend.
Even if you were the wife, I’d ask WHY –*as your husband will have no legal or financial responsibility for the child*– would you care?
Did your boyfriend ask specifically what you thought about donating his sperm for his brother? It reads like he asked more generally. I feel like it was your boyfriend’s ability to be the good middle person that caused this bitterness.
Donating his sperm is a big deal, at least in my opinion. It can make things difficult or at least different even if it’s within the family.
You are also young. It’s not a bad thing. I think you may have a different perspective if you were older, but that’s something out of control here.
You are a girlfriend and not a wife either. I don’t know your situation and can’t say with clarity but it feels like you should have less of a say in this matter, though it may not feel fair to you. The brother’s wife is in her late 30’s and he has leukemia. As awful as it sounds, they literally do not have time to sit around and wait for a 22yo gf.
If he’s decided then there’s not a whole lot you can do besides figure out where you are and tell him. You may not be able to reach a compromise on this that allows you both to stay together.
Ask your bf how he’d tell his kids that they have a half brother being raised by their uncle. Because he would NEED to tell his own kids.
Ask him when his brother would be telling the kid that your bf is the bio dad. And how he would handle if the kid started calling him something other than uncle.
I’m guessing that your bf makes a lot more money than his brother? What happens when the kid gets older and asks why he isn’t getting as much as bf’s younger kids that are being raise by the bf? Or will bf give more financial help to his biochild but not the older child that’s just his nephew?
Is bf prepared to stay silent and not intervene if they make a parenting decision he doesn’t agree with? What if they say no to travel sports? Or ground the kid for a month for failing a class and bf thinks that’s too much? Or the kid runs away to his “real dad” will he correct him and send him back to his parents?
Are they going about it legally so that bf will have no legal connections to the kid and they can’t go after him for child support?
It really sucks that no doctor told the older brother to freeze some sperm before they started treatment. I thought that they always tell you that chemo can cause you to be sterile and to freeze some for the future if you want.
I think BF is the one to decide if he wants to or not.
Ok the wife was rude. I do understand that bit but besides that, this should be your bf decision, you can ask him about it and talk it over but ultimately iys 100% his decision and if he wants to make his brother happy, that’s on him. You of course are obliged to your own thoughts and decisions on the matter tho
Why didn’t older brother bank his sperm? This sounds like they are making poor planning on their part your problem. It’s not.
*My boyfriend became a self made millionaire at 21 because he focused on developing his his skills by taking online courses etc. than trying to pay his bills in college*. – yeah, right.
One the sis-in-law is rude for calling like that, she needs to apologize.
Second is the issue of the donation. Regardless of even legal obligations/paperwork, she will be the mother of your boyfriends child. It’s the same as if he had an ex with his kid. Ultimately, it’s his decision, but it WILL affect you if you marry and have kids. What if your children get sick or the nibbling and there is a need for an organ donation. What about when the kid grows up and they may not be as financially set as your kids? The parents can only speak for themselves, not the child, as it grows up.
I do get that it’s a sperm donation but for me that’s my bfs child with another woman, I couldn’t do it. A strangers sperm would be besr
He is your boyfriend, and even if this situation could potentially lead to marriage, it’s ultimately his choice whether he wants to be the donor or not. No one needed to discuss anything with you, as he will not be the father, but rather the uncle.
However, you can suggest to your boyfriend to seek counseling, because he needs to be sure that he won’t change his mind when faced with the actual living child and potentially want to have a parental role. So, suggest counseling, and an apology from his brother’s wife is warranted. She should NEVER have directed her anger at you. NEVER. She was out of line. On that you should be clear.
If ultimately your boyfriend wants to be the donor, you’ll have to sincerely respect his decision. It’s evident that they share a very profound relationship, and it would be asshole of you to interfere with that. You’re not more important, OP, simply because you’re the girlfriend. I mean this seriously and without intending to come across as harsh, but individuals who are truly family-oriented are like your boyfriend.
Your 21 year old bf is a millionaire… ok
Sure. Totally real story 🤡
>My boyfriend became a self made millionaire at 21 because he focused on developing his his skills by taking online courses etc. than trying to pay his bills in college.
Press X to doubt
This should be your boyfriend’s decision and he should get a lawyer to make sure he doesn’t end up having to pay child support
I would leave him if he does it. At the same time, he should do what he thinks is best for himself. But yeah, you shouldn’t stick around for it.
You are just the gf. You are right now not in a position to make any demands on your bf regarding what he wishes to do with his sperm. On the other hand you are also free to leave him if he donates.
This is really a personal decision between him, his brother and brothers wife. You really should be a little more supportive, as it sounds like right now you have gotten quite a bit ahead of yourself. What you need to be asking yourself is are you ok with your bf being the bio father of another child should you marry in the future? If the answer is no you are well within your rights to give him a heads up, but you are not to make demands. His choice. Then your choice