I was raised in an abusive household so I have no perception of how it should be. I thought “talking about everything, agreeing on everything, constant affection, devoting one’s life to another, giving up and sacrificing everything for partner, thinking about each other all the time” would be the ideal until recently because my current relationship is like that.
Then I researched it and I now I believe that it should encourage one to be a better person, achieve more with the support of partner, have quality time together but alone too, having different goals and mindsets but finding common ground on it.
Even though I read a lot if stuff I am having trouble to understand it fully because of the things I have been through so any insights would be great thank you so much!
4 comments
The question you need to ask is what do YOU want from a relationship? Relationships and the people they involve differ greatly. For example you might decide you want/need to talk to your partner every day, whereas someone else might find that too much and would prefer a couple of times a week. The best way to figure it out is to date lots of different people (not at the same time lol) and you’ll begin to build an idea of your wants and needs
I think the best romantic relationship is one where you don’t think of it like that kind of relationship. Imagine instead what your ideal best friend relationship would be, then add in cuddles, sex, and living together.
A healthy relationship is a relationship where you feel safe in
One where you can communicate openly with your partner – where you both can freely talk about your feelings
One where you feel supported by your partner regardless of what you choose to do and where you can express your boundaries and views and they are respected
And one where you enjoy each others company you make time to be with each other because you enjoy time together
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship – You can read and watch as many articles and videos on the subject about being in relationships but when you are actually in one – you begin to understand that it’s about too people imperfect ..coming together to create a safe space for one another to thrive and grow with love for each other centred around it
When this is not there and your feelings are disregarded you cannot communicate you feel unsafe these are signs of being in a bad relationship and you can personally feel when you are not in a good situation … you need to leave
Often coming from abusive household we can think that being in a healthy relationship comes across as boring becuase of the drama centred around childhood ….but these are things that we personally should work on within our selves to understand that we deserve love and respect
We also can’t expect the partners we choose be perfect or to be our everything … as this creates a codependency and unrealistic expectations for them to save you … this is why also having friends or a friend around you when you are in a relationship is also key they will help
healthy relationships are the opposite of dysfunctional relationships. how they *feel* or are embodied is the key. forget how anything looks – understand how it feels, instead. for instance, a couple that’s been together for 5 years, bought a house together and are engaged? wow – that *looks* healthy, right? but we have no idea what the inside of that relationship feels like.
dysfunctional/toxic relationships can feel…
* constricting
* confusing
* distant
* inconsistent, unpredictable
* intense, off-kilter
* all-consuming
* too much
* agreement to keep the peace
* painful
* overwhelming
* shameful/secretive
* brittle, boring, or melancholy
* cursed or dark-sided
* demanding
* complete devotion and sacrifice
* discouraging, disheartening, invalidating
*the inconsistency/unpredictability/roller coaster aspect is important. especially if things are happening and you feel pressure to keep things a secret to protect/hide what’s actually going on. this really messes with your mind and ultimately reduces your self-esteem.*
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healthy relationships feel…
* liberating
* intimate
* safe
* peaceful
* flexible
* fun
* light-hearted
* agreement when it’s authentic
* expansive
* balanced or even-keeled
* luminous
* loving
* divine/sacred
* forgiving, gracious
* healthy balance of compromise and independence (aka interdependence)
* supportive, encouraging, validating
*healthy relationships are not perfect, by any means. i would argue that healthy conflict is fundamental to any intimate bond. in general, however, the relationship should make you feel good most of the time, and when conflict happens it is resolved in a way that doesn’t require you to make yourself smaller or walk on eggshells.*
toxic families, toxic relationships, workplaces, etc *feel like walking on eggshells.* the dominant feelings will be constriction, confusion, pain, and despair.
your solar plexus will tighten, your breathing will speed up, you will want to escape. that’s anything that isn’t right for you. what’s right for you isn’t *topsy turvy or chaotic*.
many toxic bonds are characterized by hot and cold, up and down, roller coaster back and forth. i don’t know you, but what you’ve described sounds codependent. i suggest getting on youtube and searching videos on “codependent relationships”.
what you want exists. it just may not be with your current partner. trust that you deserve it. i hope that helps!