My bf (m22) and me (f21) have been in a relationship for 1 1/2 years and one issue that has been remaining ever since we first started dating, is that I find it difficult to see through negative situations when they happen.
I feel like I always have this brain fog in my head and when he tells me about something negative, something that bothers him or something I did wrong, it takes me a while to realise the actual issue he’s trying to communicate.
It makes me feel like a horribly bad person to be so unaware and I’ve hurt him quite some times already by not realising things I’m doing.
I don’t really know where this is coming from, but one thing I know is that I grew up in a very difficult environment/family situation.
Issues and problems within my family were always sweeped under the carpet (still are) and I haven’t learnt how to properly communicate until I was 20.
I’d bottle up my emotions and would lose control over them once the bottle was filled to the brim, which caused me to lash out at him many times because I didn’t know how to appropriately communicate.
It’s gotten better, but I’ve always found it hard to open up as I was getting yelled at and hit whenever I did, so eventually I stopped and had to re learn it.
Whenever my bf used to communicate with me what bothers him, I’d go into defensive mode and I think that has been a big problem.
I know he’s not attacking me by telling me something he’s not comfortable with, but in that exact moment, I feel like I have to defend myself.
I just don’t know how to get rid off this behaviour and the brain fog.
I feel like I understand where he’s coming from and what his problems are, but it takes me so long to do so and I struggle with grabbing the issue by the root – it’s like an invisible wall I seem to not be able to break through.
Do you guys have any advice on how to be more aware and what to do to about this problem?
I’m afraid I’m going to turn into a narcissist or something as I already feel like I’m being ignorant – and I really don’t want to hurt anyone with it.
Would therapy be an option?
I’ve tried getting into it for many years, but unfortunately it never worked out as the waiting lists are very long.
I’d appreciate some advice that can open my eyes a little.
TDLR: I want to learn how to be more aware of negative situations and emotions in my relationship.
3 comments
Can you explain it more deeply
Uhm yeah this is a therapy issue for sure. You can’t just solve childhood trauma by trying harder
Trauma therapy is needed here. The brain fog could be a bit of dissociation or something from the way you describe it. You’re obviously safe, so that fog might be caused by events in your past. Healing those might help to clear your head.
Otherwise, maybe try some yoga. It helps with being less reactive. It calms most people, but with trauma in the mix, I’ll just say if you feel worse with it, then stop.
Something else that might help is journalling about this exact issue like how you wrote it out here. How you feel, how he feels, what the situation is etc. That can be super helpful.