Me (23f) and my partner (30m) have been on a sort of a break. I was noticing how weird he was anytime I went near his phone or even being in the room with it, so one night I went through it (we’ve been together for 3 years and I’ve only done this like once before) and found something I didn’t agree with and what I consider emotionally cheating (we spoke about this specifically not being okay when we first started dating) So I asked for a break so I can work through some stuff.
This was in June.
During this, he has become absolutely obsessed over me and my life and it’s mentally draining me.
He watches who I follow and vice versa on social medias.
Anytime I leave our shared apartment to hang out with friends he questions who I was with, what we were doing, and then ultimately says I was on a date.
I can’t stay at a friends house to get away because it’s “triggering” to him from a past relationship.
While I’m gone, he wall spams me with texts berating me about how ‘if I wanna make this work I need to change or he’s going to move out’
He quit his job because I wouldn’t drop my plans to take him to work and pick him up.
(When we moved states he sold his vehicle and I kept mine)
When I agree to the split he changes the script on why I don’t want to work this out and instead just throwing it away.
(At the start of our relationship I had just left a long term abusive relationship and even told him that I wasn’t emotionally ready for a new partner but he insisted he would handle everything with care, which is kinda true, up until this incident) I usually bring this up.
When I come back to our apartment and am generally cordial he is passive aggressive towards me and then eventually it turns into an argument about how I don’t make him feel loved.
He relates this to me not hugging and kissing and giving him the general love I show and my lower sex drive.
I’ve always had a lower sex drive. I had a bad childhood so sometimes I cry after coitus, or just kinda mentally check out during so I usually just didn’t engage from my side more than 1-2 times a week.
After everything happened, sex drive is at a 0 with him.
Again, lower sex drive so I’ve masterbated a few times but I don’t want to be touched.
When he asks if I “want to make this work between us, I bring up not wanting a sexual relationship.
Every time I bring this up he yells about how I only make things about sex, but it’s because everything else always leads up to sex. It can’t just ever be a hug, because then it leads to a groping moment, then a kiss, etc.
I genuinely feel like I’m going insane by trying to practice boundaries more and maybe I’m being too harsh by his reactions?
I don’t like to talk to my friends about my personal life like that so they really only know so much by screen peeking or just general questions like “how are you guys doing” and feel like I’m not self aware enough to navigate this myself.
Throw away account because this is just a late night brain dumping moment.
2 comments
You’re being emotionally abused. I also fear for your safety in the long run with this man.
First off, he is allowed to genuinely emotionally cheat on you but when you’re simply taking a break from to process and figure things he sees the possibility of losing you and goes full control mode. He’s watching what you do, where you go, who you see, basically trying to control all aspects of your life. M
Secondly, when he wants something he manipulates his way into getting it—ie you want to hang out with friends but prevents it by claiming it’s “triggering”. And when he wants something but doesn’t get it, he manipulates even harder to try to force your hand—ie he doesn’t want you to have plans (and I want to make this CLEAR that the reason he wanted you to drive him was for you to drop the plans NOT just because he wanted a drive to work) he literally quit his job so that he would be home all the time to be able to watch what you’re doing more closely and so he can have the ability to blame you for him not being able to work.
Thirdly, the sex. He’s right that he doesn’t feel as loved but it’s not because you don’t have sex with him, it’s because in his eyes he’s lost all control over you. You have a low sex drive, he sucks so it’s even lower, and he can see that it’s lower plus the lack of hugging and kissing but who’s hugging and kissing and wanting to show affection to someone who is always passive aggressive, gives you no space, quit their job to watch you, and is constantly trying to twist everything into being your fault.
I hope you have a support system and can get out. Someone who is willing to quit their job because they can’t control you while working is not someone you are safe around. Please leave.
You landed in another abusive relationship. You need counseling (and next relationship, aim for someone around your age).