Recently met a guy I really liked who was visiting my city from a city a 1 hour flight away and hit it off with him… only for him to mention he wouldn’t be into long distance. Though I foolishly thought a 1 hour flight isn’t THAT long of a distance and we are having fun together, maybe he’d change his mind?
Before him, I’d gotten involved with another guy who lived a few states over in a city I visit frequently for work, and started casually seeing him until he found someone else local to date.
At this point I feel like maybe I need to stop trying to date someone who doesn’t live in my city? Although for whatever reason, I feel like all the men I really hit it off with live elsewhere, and haven’t had any dates I was excited about in my city recently. What’s going on here?
TLDR: keep falling for men in different cities, convinced it could work, and getting hurt
7 comments
Long distance is difficult even when already in a strong relationship. Trying to start from nothing into a serious LDR is a losing gamble.
My best friend went through a period of only dating guys who lived far away. Ultimately she realized it was because it allowed her to imagine they were all her perfect person and ignore things that would have been glaring red flags of they saw each other all the time. She could say she was already in a relationship as an excuse not to try to date anyone in her area
If he mentioned that he doesn’t do long distance relationships you need to take him for his word, no matter how amazing you are some people just can’t/won’t do long distance dating.
Sometimes people do like the idea of dating long distance, you get to have some personal time while also being able to get excited about seeing a person after a long time. Maybe the idea of having someone around you all the time isn’t your thing, or maybe the allure of dating someone from out of town is your thing. There’s nothing wrong with that!
You may need to be more upfront with the people you date, making it clear that you are willing to date long distance and if they’re not to keep looking elsewhere. Doing this in the beginning of a date will save you a lot of heart ache.
Are you subconsciously doing this to avoid a deep connection?
I mean, a 1 hour flight is still a FLIGHT. It’s not comparable to a 1 hour drive and even that is a struggle for some people.
Yes, stop dating people who are physically not available. Personally, I don’t think starting a relationship long distance is ever a great plan, as there is some much of a relationship that you can’t see/learn without being around someone consistently.
Is it possible you are looking for men who are somehow unavailable, out of reach, mysterious and thus, fair game for projection ?
Do you not like or not value where you live, and consciously or unconsciously want out, or see the travelers as better people who live in a better place ?
There might be some association you’re making that drives you to these men.
>I feel like all the men I really hit it off with live elsewhere, and haven’t had any dates I was excited about in my city recently. What’s going on here?
first, this is an easy answer: in your city there are X amount of men, let’s say 500,000. that’s the pool to date locally. well if you open up to any city within a 50mile radius, there might be like 4-5 cities, that’s a pool 5-6 times bigger. now any city within 1 hour flight…. that’s a pool 200 times bigger. of course you will have a ton more people you are attracted to.
if you can’t find anyone you “hit it off” in your city, lower your standards.