Hi all– I’ve been with my fiance for about three years now. I love him, but the relationship has definitely had ups and downs. My biggest complaint, is if there is any sort of argument, it’s escalated into verbally abusive territory. This happens about once a month. It’s gotten better over the course of the relationship and I think for the most part, I thought I could change him into a gentler, more empathetic person over time.
We had a big fight about a month ago, where we called me a b\*tch, c\*nt, etc. As usual, after the fact, I’m told he’ll work on it, that it’s the result of childhood trauma, that he doesn’t mean it, etc. For whatever reason, since that specific fight (though there was nothing necessarily different about it), I just can’t rationalize how someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally, forever, can say things to deliberately hurt me. Now when I see him, I think that deep down, on perhaps even a subconscious level, he doesn’t respect me (or even love me).
I feel awful, because outside of this, things are fine virtually all of the time. He takes care of me, makes time for me, and does make a genuine effort to make me feel loved. But I just can’t shake this feeling that something is wrong and that I’d be settling. I have definitely been fantasizing about the idea of dating someone who would never think to yell at me, watch me cry, or call me slurs– even in moments of anger. I don’t know if I’m unreasonable in this though, since my parents have a similar relationship to the one I’m in now…
Tl;dr: I have a nagging feeling my fiance doesn’t truly respect me as an equal, primarily indicated by the way he treats me when he’s angry. I’m considering breaking up, but things are good the rest of the time.
29 comments
Ok what has he ever done to work on this or his childhood trauma that he blames this on? You are right about one thing, this is abusive. Do you want your future children to see this as a model for their relationships?
There’s an escalation. You’re not happy with it. But if you accept this abuse, what else will you accept over time? How is he working on it? Is there therapy perhaps involved so he can address his childhood trauma? Are there any techniques he’s trying to research about anger management or ways to deal with his stress?
You know what you can and don’t want to deal with. It may be lonely to be solo, but it’s preferable over being with someone who doesn’t value you. Since you apparently are repeating what you find familiar, maybe see if therapy is something you could benefit from for personal changes. Can’t fix others, but you can fix you.
Hey, I’m really sorry to hear that. I know how hard it can be, but I think you know what the best thing to do is.
When I was deeply in love with someone who treated me poorly, I slowly realized that it wasn’t ok when I asked myself: What would I tell a friend whose partner treated them like this? Do I want my future kids to learn that this is what love looks like, and that this is an acceptable way to treat someone or be treated? (Idk if you want kids, but thinking about this question can still help you see that it’s not ok for him to yell at you)
And I understand being told that their actions are a result of childhood trauma. It’s important to remember that whatever reason they use to explain their behavior is an explanation and not an excuse. While it may shed some light on why they behave like that, it doesn’t excuse them treating you like that. There isn’t an excuse for him to scream at you and call you those names. There’s just no situation where that would be acceptable.
I know it’s scary, but I hope you can prioritize your own happiness and do what’s best for you.
The fact you’re still with the guy shows how damaged you are by your parents’ relationship. It isn’t right or normal, regardless of the fact your parents have a similar relationship. It’s fucked up and abusive.
“I will change” is the warcry of every domestic abuser I’ve ever worked with and funnily enough, very few of them do. They just grind down the will of their partner and eventually they stop mentioning change for themselves.
Get out of there while you can as this man is (unless you’re missing chunks of the story) doing nothing to really change.
There are people out there who would always respect you, not just when they’re in a good mood. It seems your bf is more concerned with justifying his shitty behavior than changing it for better. You’re not being unreasonable, you didn’t do anything wrong. This is all about your bf not being responsible for himself and refusing to change that.
Yeah, dump him. Long term relationships are the pits anyway.
> I thought I could change him into a gentler, more empathetic person over time
No one can change another person. Ever.
Significant change has to come from within the individual. If that ain’t happening by this time, then your marriage will be doomed to disrespect, abuse, and contempt.
Your “nagging” feelings are highly valuable and are connected to your moral compass. Better to end your relationship on your terms. There are scores of good men out there who can respect all of you and love you.
The fact this is consistent behaviour from him and you’re still around is bonkers. I’d understand putting up with it once and then never again, but monthly? He doesn’t love you, not properly. If you love someone you are never mean to them. Why on earth would you ever be horrible to someone you love, you just wouldn’t.
I was in a relationship like this once. Despite my misgivings I went through with the wedding. It got even worse after we were married and then worse after we had kids. Finally one day it dawned on me that I was duplicating my parents marriage and my daughter would do the same if i didn’t leave.
You’re lucky: you’re only 24 and have lots of time ahead of you. I was in my 30s.
So he acknowledged he has childhood trauma that apparently makes him incapable of having a disagreement without being verbally abusive – what has he done about it?
If the answer is that he is in regular committed therapy with a provider who understands trauma and/or anger management problems, and is making progress, then that’s positive and only you can decide if the rate at which the therapy is helping him is sufficient for you to stick it out.
If the answer is NOTHING. Then you have your answer. The most he is willing to do to improve himself and stop hurting the person he supposedly loves is NOTHING AT ALL. That’s how much you are worth to him deep down.
Unacceptable. Leave now or you will regret it.
Things don’t get better once you get married they get far worse because now you are “trapped” in their eyes.
You can’t change people’s they are who they are and they will always tell you who they are at some point, usually early on in the relationship within the first 3 months.
And when they do, ALWAYS BELIEVE THEY ARE WHO THEY TELL YOU THEY ARE!!!
Listen to your gut. You can’t “change” another person through the power of your love. That’s a myth. The only person you can change is you: and I’d recommend becoming someone who is not engaged to this guy.
There’s a very good chance he doesn’t really respect you, but feels he should get married now, or you’ll do, or he likes how comfy you make his life… and once he’s got you locked down, the verbal abuse will escalate, because he thinks you won’t leave. “Childhood trauma” my ass. You know what people with childhood trauma do? GO TO THERAPY AND DEAL WITH IT, NOT TAKE IT OUT ON THEIR PARTNER. Are you a psychiatrist? Do you have any professional training in mental health and childhood trauma? Then why is it your problem to solve.
Look, people are going to try to talk you into going through with it. Sunk costs, etc. And people on Reddit love to say that “dump him” is the default suggestion, but most of the time, people don’t post unless there’s something very wrong with the relationship.
You don’t need a “good enough” reason to break up. You don’t believe he respects you, you don’t like the verbal abuse and, despite all his (empty) promises, he hasn’t done anything to improve. Call it off now, before you have to file for divorce.
I think you’re having these feelings because deep down you know that this behavior is inexcusable, and something you do not deserve.
I do genuinely think some behavior can be worked on, and that people can change, but only if that person is actually willing to change. Your fiancé has a pattern of behavior, it has not changed. He can tell you that he’s going to change all he wants, but he’s not doing it.
What is he doing to change? Is he going to therapy? Is he making an active effort to stop these behaviors (i.e. trying to de-escalate during arguments instead of name-calling, stepping away from arguments instead of being verbally abusive, asking to talk after he’s calmed down instead of fighting in the moment). If the answer to all of these is no, then he’s not trying to change. He’s telling you what you want to hear so you don’t leave him.
This behavior is not okay. You deserve better, and you should leave him.
>Now when I see him, I think that deep down, on perhaps even a subconscious level, he doesn’t respect me (or even love me).
Good instincts!
Outside of the regular verbal and emotional abuse, your relationship is fine.
OP, your sense of normalcy and expectations for your own relationship are really warped by your parents. These fights are NOT normal. Literally one time like this is not healthy.
You are not going to change him or fix him. Do not be one of those women who make that mistake. Once you get married, this gets WORSE, not better, because you’ll be more locked in. I know you think he’s gotten “better”, but he’s probably just playing along until you’re too committed to think you can leave.
Please leave and don’t take him back. Not if he swears he’ll change, apologizes, begs, goes to therapy, whatever. Leave and do not go back.
I know you’re feeling bad about judging the relationship by the bad times – it is true, every relationship is going to have rough times and disagreements. But those bad times should NEVER be abusive. In this case, the bad times are bad enough that you should definitely be judging the relationship based on those bad times. No one should have to stay in a relationship where they are being abused. It doesn’t matter if the rest of the time is perfect. Think of it this way – if someone baked you a pie and said “only 1% of the filling is shit – the rest is chocolate! 😊”. You would still be horrified and not eat the pie. It doesn’t matter how small of a percent is shit, any amount is too much! The same goes for abuse. Additionally, abusers ramp up their abuse when they think they have their victim “locked down” through marriage or pregnancy. You can expect to see what minimal progress he has made disappear the instant you sign those papers. Please save yourself.
I have three points for your consideration:
1. You said he’s made progress, but what is he exactly doing to be better? I would expect nothing less than IC weekly and him promptly moving forward the next session every time he “relapsed”, but you’ve been together for years and whatever progression he’s made sounds pretty underwhelming. If he had any respect or love for you he would be throwing money at professionals and doing a lot of work. It’s not even to be considered if he just “tries really hard” or listens to podcasts or reads books. This is verbally abusive and just like hitting you square on your jaw it’s way wayyyy too much and too severe if he’s doing it even once, and even more so on a regular basis which once a month certainly is.
2. What’s your progress? You’re staying in an unhealthy relationship as a matyr punching bag (at least verbally). You need IC too and you need to practice healthy boundaries. When you just accept his behaviour (and you do, because you’re still right there no matter what you say to him afterwards) you’re conditioning yourself to stay in something very unhealthy. Your reasoning is akin that to victims of domestic abuse; he’s not always like that, he’s so good when he doesn’t do that. Reality check: Most men can be good and supportive partners but without the verbal abuse. Whatever good he has and does, others can too but they would never ever call you slurs. Realise that at this point your excuses for him are thin as ice and something like a straw you cling to because you’re too scared and damaged to make better decisions for yourself. Work with a therapist to escape this pattern and end the cycle of abuse.
3. Please for the love of anything you believe in, do not have a child by this man.
I’m sure you are amazing but there’s not enough love inside of you or anyone, to make him change for the better. Run 🏃🏾♀️
I have childhood trauma and I don’t behave this way.
I tried to explain this to my ex.. once the words are said, you can’t *unsay* them and it does damage.
You can’t apologise or explain them away.
Number of times I’ve called my wife those names: 0
Number of times I *could* call her those names and have her still be my wife: I don’t want to test this, so I’ll assume 0.
You’re not in jail after he called you these things? Take the win and listen to yourself and end this relationship.
A “nagging feeling” is the pudding you’re ignoring. That is, the proof that you deserve better than a partner for life who will call you these names. Ever. Under any circumstances.
Never go into any relationship expecting to change some one. It is a recipe for disappointment
“I thought I could change him”…and yet he calls you the b word and the c word. How many women have said “but I can change him!” except…nope.
Imagine you had a daughter and a guy was talking to her like this. Would you want her to stay?
A partner whom is abusive “only” once a month is abusive *all the time*, because you have that threat of their abuse hanging over your head 24/7. Every sweet moment is undercut with the anxiety of “how long is this going to last, will they be screaming at me by nightfall” or the sadness of “why can’t they be like this all the time?”
I am honestly so proud of you for recognising that there is something deeply wrong with your relationship. It’s not a hard thing to recognise when you’re a child of an abusive marriage, but it’s clear you’re starting to recognise the abuse for what it is, and that it’s not a life you want for yourself:
> if there is any sort of argument, it’s escalated into verbally abusive territory.
> I just can’t rationalize how someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally, forever, can say things to deliberately hurt me. Now when I see him, I think that deep down, on perhaps even a subconscious level, he doesn’t respect me (or even love me).
> I just can’t shake this feeling that something is wrong and that I’d be settling.
I suspect the change might be due to just ageing. When we’re young, it’s easy to believe “with love, anything is possible” or “we’ll both outgrow this and will learn to be better partners to eachother” or, as you said, “I can change him.” Then time moves on, we get a little older, and we start becoming more aware that a healthy and functional relationship needs more than just love, and we start seeing the pattern of all the broken promises behind us.
> I have definitely been fantasizing about the idea of dating someone who would never think to yell at me, watch me cry, or call me slurs– even in moments of anger.
These relationships are SO achievable. But the first step is saying no to *anyone* who would treat you this way. That means leaving your fiance – pinning your life and happiness on the chance he *might* change and he will make that change stick is honestly too much of a gamble. There’s no happy ending with him.
And that means, in the future, not wasting any time with any person who ever calls you slurs or raises their voice at you. Arguments and conflicts will always happen in relationships, but most adults know to handle them by taking space, taking deep breaths, working through their feelings, and trying to work through the conflict *with* their partner, not simply subjugate them with their own anger.
You deserve better. You know you deserve better. And better is out there. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that this is a normal relationship or this kind of abuse is the best you can hope for.
Only verbally abusing you once a month is not an improvement. He’s still abusive and you need to leave.
Change him? You can’t, get that out of your head. Your fairy tale isn’t going to happen with someone like him.
> I thought I could change him
You can’t change anyone—not ever. It’s time to leave and focus on healing.
Honestly, I work with alot of guys that get into it with their wives and work it out 20-30 year marriages. Nothing physical verbal both ways. No relationship is perfect, and you will find none that is. People fight argue make up. Couples argue 2-5 times a month. Half the people on here are delusional and are looking for a perfect relationship that doesn’t exist. Me and my lady argue 1-3 times a month, and iv said dumb stuff called her names. Doesn’t mean I don’t love her. After each fight we say sorry and talk it out. We have two kids and I support her and don’t abuse our kids. Ask yourself what part do you play in it. Do you contribute as well! Being in a relationship is hard work, and it isn’t easy. Love is hard and it’s work… as long as you guys are working to get better. There’s nothing wrong. Postpone on getting married if your so worried and see how the next couple of years go!
Do not continue a relationship with someone who only treats you with respect and kindness “most of the time”, especially if he isn’t taking serious action to change the behaviour, like going to therapy.
I have childhood trauma.
I’ve never yelled at my wife or called her names 😅