I love my wife, but I don’t know if I can keep this going or if I even want to.
We’ve been married 4 years and together for 7.
I’m just a generally loyal person who doesn’t like upsetting the status quo unless it’s something big, and I think it has gotten me in this position.
Again, I do love my wife, but I don’t know if this is the right relationship for the rest of my life. I was pressured into proposing, and in my mind I had planned a for a long engagement. Then I was pressured into a shorter one than I had in mind. I know it’s my fault and not hers. I should have spoken up more.
I was extremely fit when we met. She was slightly but not very overweight when we met. She didn’t let me continue my regular diet while we were dating and I gained quite a lot. She gained a fair bit too. Before our wedding, I was able to cut my weight a bunch. She couldn’t. And it wasn’t a big deal because I love her and I was still very attracted to her. She’s beautiful.
We both have depression and anxiety. I’ve been able to manage mine, but it seems like hers got way worse after we were married. But even before then, I often had to go places, especially family events, alone. I always have had to make up lies about why she’s not there. And then people think she doesn’t like them. And it has always taken a toll. I’ve loved her through it.
She’s also always been extremely clingy. She says she misses me when I’m out of the house for only a few minutes. She’s always asking me to come home from normal things like work and school. She’s always trying to make me dodge obligations. And worst of all, she’s *extremely* jealous.
She regularly dreams about me cheating. She basically interrogates me when I come home from stuff. She already makes me feel guilty about doing anything without her ever. And then when I get home, it’s like I’m this terrible person if I haven’t been looking at my phone and texting her constantly, and she always thinks I’m cheating. Like it’s at the front of her mind constantly.
Now, about the real point of this post. We moved across the country two years ago so that I could attend a graduate school. I haven’t really been affected by missing family because I’m just a generally independent and self-sufficient person. She’s not. She’s home sick all the time. And I think it is a massive contributor to her weight gain over the past two years.
It just keeps increasing. I try to give her advice and help her and remind her to make good choices, and she wants to be healthier, sort of. But she never loses weight and the habits never stick. It’s gotten to the point that it really affects our lives. She can’t walk at a decent pace or uphill. We live in a hilly college town with lots of things to do in easy walking distance. We have to drive places because she can’t handle the walking.
We live on the third floor of our building with laundry in the basement. We also have a dog. Guess who always does the laundry and takes the dog out 95%+ of the time?
Anyway, I’m not attracted to her anymore. I dislike seeing her naked. Most sex positions are not comfortable or good, so it’s doggy only. And it’s never spontaneous. One of us just randomly asks the other if we want to have sex and then we bang out some doggy and it’s done. But it’s getting so bad that I’m not even enjoying it anymore. Sometimes I don’t finish. When I do, sometimes I close my eyes and imagine what she looked like before, or worse, imagine I’m having sex with someone else.
I think she can tell. She’s asked me a bunch whether I’m still attracted to her and I just can’t let myself say the truth. It would be completely devastating to her.
On top of all this, I’m having feelings for a female friend of mine. We were hanging out, the three of us plus a few others, on a porch yesterday afternoon. This was the first time I’d seen my friend since before we went different places for our summer jobs. It was hard for me to drive away after. My wife and dog and I went to a pretty park together, which we love doing, and I just started crying. I was crying because I felt alone. I didn’t feel the same as I used to feel around my wife and I wanted to be back with my friend instead. My wife was very bothered and I just said it was because the weather was dreary and I had forgotten to take my medicine (both true).
There’s more but I’ll stop there. I feel stuck and very alone. I love my wife and I do not want to hurt her. But I also think I don’t want to be with her anymore. I’m not cheating and I won’t cheat and I never have.
But separation just feels impossible. Her family is like a 25 hour car ride away. We have this dog that is like a child. And speaking of which, her lifelong dream is to have children. I don’t know if I ever fully wanted children and I don’t know if I’ll ever want them. And we’re married. So that means divorce.
Out of all this, there have been discussions and fights about everything mentioned here except the fact that I have not admitted I am not attracted to her anymore or that I’m falling for my friend.
I only have one year of school left and then I will be moving to a different state, also far from where we’re from, to start my career, which involves state licensing, so it isn’t easily portable between states. This would mean my wife committing to live away from home for a substantial length of time, if not forever.
What do I do? Should I just tell her what’s going on and deal with the fallout? Should I wait it out in case these feelings are temporary? Should I do something else instead? And if so, what?
I feel like a terrible person for writing this and for feeling some of the things I’m feeling so go easy on me. ☹️
Because you might not have a complete picture, I should mention ny wife is very sweet. She truly loves me a LOT. She’s very thoughtful and considerate and giving and loyal.
TL;DR: I felt pressured into proposing and marrying; wife is extremely clingy and jealous but too anxious to go places with me; wife has gained so much weight so fast that I am not attracted to her; and I’m catching feelings for someone else.
48 comments
Honestly it’s probably best that you guys try marriage counseling first. It’s good to get a new perspective and it may help. If it doesn’t help then I think it will be time to cut your loss. Knowing you don’t want kids and she does will only have her regret life and so will you. It’s easier when you have no kids(minus dog) to go through a divorce then having kids.
Whoa! First off, please take some deep breaths. You are not a bad person, your feelings have changed due to time and circumstance. She’s not right for you anymore if you are literally crying having to be in her prescience. All logistics can be worked out with help from lawyers and family, that’s not a good reason to stay miserable. I see another comment suggesting couples therapy, and that’s an option too. You do need to take some type of action though, because staying silent is how you’ve landed here, and speaking up is the only way to get out of it. But you’re not a bad person.
Will her losing weight make everything better? Yes? Marriage counseling and TELL HER ABOUT THE friend and crying incident and feeling lonely when you get to that session. That will be her wakeup call. Go book the appointment.
Stop having sex if you don’t want kids.
She needs to deal with her issues, and you need to tell her your feelings.
You are realizing you “rushed” the relationship and now aren’t happy. You need to find your happiness.
this has happened to me, you will never be attracted to her again (atleast that’s how I felt). you need to discuss this with her or possibly get counseling for this situation, sorry for your situation but I suggest ending it if counseling doesn’t work out
Two paragraphs about how cheating is at the front of her mind and then “I’m having feelings for a female friend.” So… she’s onto something.
You can leave her for incompatibility but don’t make her feel crazy/jealous when in fact you do want and think about other women.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s so incredibly hard. I had the same thing with the first love of my life except the opposite. He had an eating disorder, we we never engagestbut together for 8 years. He would gain weight to being at just below normal and then loose it again, I found sex so difficult because I loved him so much but I wasn’t couldn’t make myself attracted to him. But man did I love him. We’re still best friends, I have a kid with another ex and am in a beautiful relationship with my current partner.. were still friends. But he’s so messed up, his issues have now turned to drink and drugs. I still love him, but like a brother.
Get out now, go on your journey and let her go on hers, you can’t fix them, they have to fix themselves. It took me most of my 20’s to understand that.
You’re not a bad person. Neither is she. ❤️
you are gonna get baby trapped if you keep having sex. I think your relationship has run it’s course.
It’s okay to have fallen out of love with your wife. Tell her sooner rather than later.
I think she’s sensing some of this already. And she may be feeling distant for her own reasons as well.
Find a calm moment and have a loving conversation. If you can’t find a calm moment for a loving conversation, choose a moment where no one is actively angry, and have a direct conversation.
You’re not a bad person and it’s okay to feel this way.
You aren’t an asshole. You do need counseling because you need to figure out why you are here and got pressured into situations you didn’t really want. I think it would also help you go figure out the best way to end things with her. Maybe after you get stronger with therapy you can do couples counseling, but you definitely need to see somebody individually first. I’m old enough now to know that sometimes you try to make the best decisions and things still don’t work out in a relationship. People change and the only person you can control is yourself. I’ve been a normal weight at times and have mostly bounced between overweight and obese but I’ve never been at the point I couldn’t climb stairs to do laundry, walk a dog , or go to events and I’m old enough to be your mom ( although I didn’t have my own kid until I was a little older than you). If she’s doing this poorly in her 20’s she’s setting herself up for some major health issues down the road. Seriously. It’s not just about how people look . I have worked with some beautiful and overweight ladies that work out and have an excellent quality of life. If your wife can’t manage walking in a hilly area , she seriously needs to do something. Her behavior towards you is controlling and you are not her emotional support animal. She also needs counseling, friends and hobbies. I feel for you. Please get a counselor and figure out what’s best for you and do not have intercourse with her again and end up with a baby.
Stop with all the reasons why you CAN’T divorce her. ‘So that means divorce’ – ok so what? Do you want to be miserable forever? Stop thinking so much about her and start thinking about yourself. She’s an adult. If you get divorced she can move back where you guys came from since she’s so homesick.
You’re just so incompatible right now and it’s not getting better. I saw people mention counselling, try that if you want. But if things don’t get better and her promises to do better don’t stick, just end it. AND DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HER.
I think the weight is just a surface level symptom of a much larger issue here.
You shouldnt be feeling alone in your marriage.
I once had a similar conversation with my best friends husband. He was just her boyfriend at rhe time. He confided that he had lost attraction due to her weight gain but it was also due to the weight gain impacting so many other parts of their relationship. It meant she didnt want to go out and do anything anymore. Their sex life suffered. Their communication eventually suffered (obviously) and that meant she also knew something was wrong and getting more and more insecure. She was at the point of ending it too on her side cause she didnt know what was going on but had noticed him getting flirty and close with one of our mutual friends at work (we all worked at the same place)
Ill say the same thing to you as I did him.
Right now where youre headed, the relationship will end. Thats a fact. You will break up if you continue this way. Cause either youll get the balls to leave and never say why or she will get sick of being with someone who wont tell her whats wrong and leave herself.
So why not have the conversation? If all youre doing is delaying the inevitable, you have nothing to lose. Just more the time of when you lose it. If you open up. Put your cards on the table and just have the hard conversation you at least stand a chance of reconcilliation. Addressing your problems, means you can look at solutions. Now it may be that you have the convo and she ends it. But you were gonna end up there anyway. So why not at least try to talk and maybe even look at couples counselling? If it doesnt work, you tried. If it does, you may find you both address your issues and come out of it falling in love again.
If it helps, my best friend decided to lose the weight and he supported her. He also addressed his issues about not communicating and stopped flirting with a girl at work.
That was over 10 years ago. They have since got married and had another son and are like two peas in a pod. She has since put weight on, lost it again. Put it on again etc but their relationship became something deeper over that time and it doesnt have the effect it used to (tbf that may also be due to him putting weight on and losing it again for the first time in his life)
Anywho. Best of luck dude.
My ex sounds exactly like your wife! Except her weight gain hadn’t gotten to that point, maybe because we were less than a year end before I broke it off.
My advice, get out sooner rather than later. Things like this will almost always get worse, not better
I think you’re thoughts about your wife all of a sudden appeared or became more apparent once u started having feelings for someone else.
You can leave her but don’t be surprised if you miss her. And don’t try to get her back when you do. Be sure that leaving her is 100 percent what you want. Because it will 100 percent derail her life for a bit. She will be okay if she does the work and goes to counselling. Grass isn’t always greener.
It wasn’t until the 14th paragraph that we see why you’re feeling emboldened to do something about it now. Most importantly, if she lost weight… it wouldn’t fix half of the issues you’re describing. For example, she’d still miss her family when you decide to set roots and start your career in whatever state you move to after school.
It’s okay to fall out of love. But you need to tell her and separate as soon as possible. You’re both nearing the age where most people want to start having kids, and you said that she does want them. The longer you wait, the longer you’re depriving her of the chance to find someone who IS attracted to her and wants to have kids with her. It would be a good idea to stop having sex altogether since your situation would only get worse with a baby.
Looks like co-dependent issues with a sprinkle of anxiety on her part. Which I imagine is a big turn-off for you, for a lot of people it is a turn-off. She should go see a professional to get that checked out.
It isn’t something you can fix and shouldn’t try, it would drive you nuts. All you can do is give her encouragement to see a trained professional who can.
You don’t want to talk to her, you don’t want to talk to a marriage counselor, you just want to fuck your friend and let your wife feel alone and friendless in this new place while you’re thriving.
At least let her go so she can go home and get her life back. I can’t believe you can’t see that you being gone and effectively leaving her alone without support is contributing to depression and weight gain. Wow.
You both have depression and anxiety. You both have weight issues.
I know this sounds very trite and possibly condescending, but you should seriously both join a gym, for your physical, mental and emotional health, nothing beats exercise.
Source: lost 20kg, beat depression, beat cancer (with chemo, of course!!). At my absolute lowest, I found exercise to be my salvation.
So she pressured you into proposing, pressured you into a short engagement, all the while forcing you to stop being who you are with your health and fitness routine, she clings to you for life, you both have depression and anxiety, she has the paranoia of you cheating, and you have feelings for a friend?
This alone made me stressed to summarize! My head is spinning cause you two are together for so many wrong reasons & if she’s pressuring instead of letting things naturally go the course it has to in either direction for an engagement, that’s just a big ol’ red flag in my book IMHO. I had an ex who ex prior to me, she forced him to stop full on working out during lock down. Oh that resulted eventually in them BU cause she was unraveling before his eyes into this clusterf-ck of a mess he didn’t realize she was till lock down happen! Needless to say they broke up.
If you have to force things in a relationship that badly? You’re with the wrong person. You two weren’t a good fit for that alone.
The rest is just you two needing some serious solo therapy and a divorce.
Well, there’s a lot to unpack here.
I think you need to be more honest, yet tactful with your wife. Tell her you are concerned for her health and want her to take better care of herself. Tell her that her jealousy and insecurity are smothering and makes you unhappy. You shouldn’t have to limit yourself socially based on her phobias and fears.
I know this is easier said than done, but tell her you love her, but you are contemplating divorce. She will freak out and be hysterical but weather the storm and stand your ground. Go to counseling and give her the opportunity to change. Be open to compromise but don’t be a pushover. Honestly try to find a workable solution but if you can’t, then go.
She didn’t LET you continue your diet? Give me a f*cking break
She probably feels it too : your estrangement from her. Thus she’s clingy and wanting u around all the time. But she deserves to know how u feel. Don’t blindside her. You could raise the issue within the therapy environment or simply by talking to her. I would choose therapy
I can’t help with most of this post.
But in regards to the weight gain. I have gained over 100 lbs in the past 2-3 years. Despite all effort and even losing 50lbs with my son. I gained that back too.
Turns out I have high insulin (we found out when it caused seizures) and it makes it almost impossible to lose weight without medical intervention.
My advice for at least this part is have her blood work done. There may be a reason.
Also therapy and cutting ties with the “friend” will help. She may need alone therapy. I was codependent before therapy. Same as her. Anxious when he left, didn’t want to go out, couldn’t cope with really anything. Almost got kicked out of grad school and lost everything. Until I went to therapy to face my issues.
Bro, I feel for you because you are miserable in your marriage. Nobody should have to live like that. So you have two choices: 1) get her to completely reform her life, lose weight, cure her anxiety, become more emotionally mature and less jealous, and somehow get you to return to a marriage from which you’ve checked out, or 2) realize that the marriage is probably irretrievably broken, have a hard conversation with her, and get divorced. Which do you think is more realistic?
Unlike other commenters, I do not think this marriage is salvageable. You seem to be completely checked out and already moving on to some extent. Therefore I don’t think marriage counseling will achieve anything.
Don’t feel terrible; feelings are feelings. But, DO NOT waste any more her time..Just get out of the relationship.
Looks like the 7 year itch to me…
I don’t think her weight is really the problem. I think you’ve fallen out of love and no longer have goals and ideal lifestyles that align. That doesn’t make you (or her) a bad person.
Talk to her. See a counselor if you like. But I think that sadly, divorce may be the way this is going. It’s going to be ok eventually, I promise. You’re young. But don’t delay things longer. Talk to her and be honest. Go from there.
Ugh why do people act like they’re doing some service staying with people they don’t even like. Cut her loose so she can find someone who loves her and won’t mislead her. Will it hurt her? Will it be a difficult adjustment? Of course. But that’s worse than wasting more time with someone who doesn’t love you? I’m sorry, you need to grow up and be honest.
First, forget the feelings about your friend. Settle everything with your wife. Don’t wreck her self esteem. It’s not her weight. Don’t burden her with that because it’s not the main issue. The issue is that you are unhappy. It’s time to split so she can move home and you can go to where your career takes you.
Op, send her home. She is home sick. Use the distance to gain a better perspective.
Don’t engage with the other female. No reason to create more stress on a hard enough situation.
Then fly back to meat up with her and just let her know you have lost attraction for her and you want a divorce.
Put your big boy pants on and tell her your relationship is over because you’re not happy anymore. Don’t call her too fat, that would be mean.
Sounds like she actually has some kind of mental health issue that needs to be addressed. You could use an assessment too just to unpack why you considered marrying someone you wanted to marry pressure or why you married someone you didn’t want to 👀. If she doesn’t want to see a therapist that specializes in anxiety to help the marriage then it means she doesn’t want to help the marriage.
I don’t think the weight is the only thing affecting you, it only seems like a small thing If you consider the bigger picture.
She sounds mentally draining and you sound like you’ve reached your limit. You continuously have to reassure her that you’re not cheating, she doesn’t want to participate in anything, she keeps you from bettering yourself ( exercise, job, school), she does not want to get better, she’s overly clingy and dependent while simultaneously giving you no emotional support. I would be drained too.
A miserable life is never worth it OP.
You were weak to let her pressure you to engaged and marriage before you wanted that.
Now you are feeling pressure to not doing what you want again.
When are you going to stop being pushed around?
How sweet is she really to pressure you and accuse you and make you feel guilty?
You also have been using her for good company while you dragged her far away from family.
Now that she’s there and you have friends and are comfortable in your place, you want to dump her now?
You should have been stronger from the beginning. Try and Be stronger now.
>And it’s never spontaneous. One of us just randomly asks the other if we want to have sex and then we bang out some doggy and it’s done.
I’m confused here.
You need to divorce immediately.
After reading your post and some replies it honestly sounds like you want a divorce but are scared of the fall out, that’s no way to live. Perhaps just take the first step, talk to a lawyer and discuss your options. The kids thing alone is big enough reason, you both deserve people who want the same type of life.
Wait wtf do you mean she didn’t let you continue your diet?? You’re a grown up aren’t you? Did she have a gun to your head telling you what to eat?
You don’t like her and you want to fuck someone else. Divorcing her is a mercy. Just get it over with so she can move on.
Oh boy. I see a little of myself in the early part of my marriage. First, I was 19 when we got married, and I’ve changed a lot over the 25 yrs we’ve been together.
I was so depressed I couldn’t work, had severe panic attacks at least once a day, would call him to come home, and was super clingy. I was expecting him to “fix” me, to make me happy, and I wasn’t really doing the work. After a year and a half of this, he finally sat me down and told me he needed me to work on myself, that no one could do the work but me, and he loved me but would divorce me if I didn’t start on helping myself. I shortly after got into therapy, was going twice a week, and treated me getting better as my full time job. Things improved greatly, and obv we are still together.
If he had kept it in, then exploded and left me, I would have not gone about getting better. I had the mentality that he or someone else could rescue me and fix me, but realized no one can. Only myself. I’m responsible. I still deal w depression, but am stable and take meds. I also learned coping techniques to get through the really rough times.
You’re not only doing yourself a disservice by not saying anything, but possibly depriving her of the possibility to get better and seeing the truth. If she doesn’t change, then you will leave knowing you’ve done what you can, and given her a chance to fix things.
I would say take the feelings for the friend out of the equation. Is the answer still the same do you still want to end this?
Yes – then have a conversation with your wife and explain you have grown into different people and think the marriage has run its course. But do not chase the friend until you are well and truly clear of the marriage. Not separated, fully divorced.
No – couples counselling to try and work through your issues.
Don’t end a marriage because you want to be with someone else. That never ends well.
I was your wife. Managing depression and anxiety is a 24/7 job. It took me years to realize that it takes more than a pill to manage it all. My husband stuck it out with me but if I were him? I would probably not have. I was always loving, funny, etc but my anxiety was out of control.
Sit down with her and tell her how you feel. How you are concerned about her mental and physical health. Then tell her how alone you feel. You know she is homesick. That you feel that you need to separate to work on both of your mental health. That you will always be her friend but you can’t stay together.
I wouldn’t mention not being attracted to her. I’m sure she realizes that.
Tell her how you feel, maybe you two can work this out. Maybe she will improve herself. Dont rush things, one step at a time.
I mean, I would’ve sat and had a chat with her about her weight before letting it get to this stage, where youre basically considering cheating.
Is it possible she doesn’t know how, maybe she could see a nutritionist.
I know people say calories in calories out, but the success of it and sustainability is in the quality if the diet, enough protein etc…
Maybe a therapist if she is dealing with her emotions by eating?
You already know what you need to do.
Telling the truth can be hard. But living in a lie will become a tragedy.
Make a plan. Then execute it.
Hard truth: After the pain subsides, she will probably be much better off for it. Could be an impetus for her to grow up and get her shit together. Maybe, maybe not. At the end of the day, it’s not your responsibility. That’s the thing about being in a relationship with someone for a long time. You start to feel like their happiness is your responsibility. But it’s not. Everyone is responsible for themselves.
Good luck.
It sounds like you’ve made up your mind mostly and you want different things (the kids one is huge if she’s expecting them btw). I would try individual counseling first and mention all this. Then proceed to either marriage counseling or divorce if those feelings don’t change. Definitely distance from the friend while you are figuring your feelings out!
You’re already at the point where the negatives are outshining the positives, now your brain is realizing and focusing on all of them – especially now it’s in comparison to the buzz of a new person. You owe it to you both to splits.