I feel so empty. I have been with this person for over a year now. She has a lot of past traumas from abusive relationships and a shitty family. She consistently tells me that I am the only person who has ever treated her well in her life. I can understand how living a life like that will make you skittish of anything and anyone.
But what am I supposed to do in the case where I feel hurt or neglected or unheard or unappreciated and if I relay any of that to her in any way, shape, or form then she instantly goes into fight or flight?
Beginning of the relationship I used to not watch how I’d react and it was too much for her to handle, so now I actively think about my tone , volume, sharpness, body language, all of that whenever arguing.
Unless I speak in a super low monotone voice , almost like a whisper, she accuses me of being angry with her. I pull out the feelings wheel and pinpoint what I’m feeling in order to get her to stop calling me angry but she keeps defaulting to just calling me angry whenever the next situation arises instead of asking me how I feel (which I have explicitly asked her to do).
I love her but I feel like I just wanna curl up and cry in a closet everytime she calls me angry because now I’m just another abusive POS in her eyes and makes me feel inadequate and isolated.
I’ve talked to her about this repeatedly. She acknowledges that she goes into fight or flight over the dumbest shit but won’t give me, the supposed love of her life, the benefit of the doubt long enough to ask me how I’m feeling instead of jumping on the “you’re an angry narcissist” train.
I really don’t want to give up on this. What can I do? She’s already in talk and trauma therapy (way before I even met her).
2 comments
>Unless I speak in a super low monotone voice , almost like a whisper, she accuses me of being angry with her. I pull out the feelings wheel and pinpoint what I’m feeling in order to get her to stop calling me angry but she keeps defaulting to just calling me angry whenever the next situation arises instead of asking me how I feel (which I have explicitly asked her to do).
Well, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. By this point, you need to internalize the lesson: By continuing to cater and pander to the deep insecurities and paranoias of someone, you will NEVER SATISFY THEM. They will always require more. It’s a bottomless pit. She needs to handle her stuff and get healthy. Hopefully she does, so she can connect better with herself and be in healthy relationships. But that’s on HER, not you.
She has already shown you how fruitless continuing to walk on eggshells and making yourself smaller is. Contrary to what you thought/what you’ve been told, your nice guy overtures haven’t gotten to you to the promised land. If anything, they’ve been resented. So you need to stop. Living this way, in this kind of relationship, is not sustainable.
Ultimately, you have your own problems that are more important than your relationship with this woman. Namely, shedding your nice guy ways. Because the way you’re acting, will not lead to good outcomes in relationships. You can start by interrogating why you did all of that ridiculous above in the first place.
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