I’m a sophomore in college and I’ve decided that I want a boyfriend but I feel like I’m doing something wrong. My dating life went pretty well last year except I feel like no guy saw me as girlfriend material. I was seen as a “fun time” or just a sexual object but never really seen as someone’s potential girlfriend. I think my radical honesty and freeing personality has something to do with that but I can’t help it, I’m unapologetically myself ( which often only garners the attention of boys seeking casual relationships) but how can I change/ act in order for guys to take me more seriously?
I’ve tried tinder, bumble and hinge but I’ve had no luck, I’ve found no guy that I’m compatible with that wants something serious. Also it’s so annoying how the guys who are the most interesting and charismatic are usually the ones who just want to hook up.
23 comments
Care about him/her and have standards for yourself
>Also it’s so annoying how the guys who are the most interesting and charismatic are usually the ones who just want to hook up.
It’s because you are girl #43 in line. They can settle down in a relationship with you, or they can have a steady banquet of new interesting women with many interesting qualities, because all these women all feel the same way about these high value men as you do.
All you can do is to not allow yourself to be used for sex, unless the guy has gotten to know you, but that might mean a long dry spell, so just understand what you are possibly getting into
What each guy looks for in a girlfriend is different for every guy so there is no way to be catch-all ‘girlfriend material’. Instead start thinking about what you want in a man – do you want someone kind, gentle, interesting, funny, hardworking, outgoing etc and write a list of personality traits that are important to you.
Also write a list of everything you are yourself – are you funny, creative, honest, open-minded etc and then ensure that **you** are everything you are looking for in a partner because ‘like attracts like’.
I used to lead with sex and if you do as well then likely you are attracting people who also lead with sex or who just want that whereas if you are leading with all those qualities you have written down then you will be more likely to attract people with those qualities.
Also, please remember to take your time – don’t rush into having a boyfriend before knowing if this guy is even matches you. See who they are first and then decide. You shouldn’t settle for less than you bring – and this goes both ways and to all sexualities. You also shouldn’t ask for anything that you don’t bring yourself.
It’s very easy to get a partner if we all just drop all our standards and settle for the first person that comes along – but a happy relationship that will not make.
How do you generally meet guys? Only on dating/hookup apps?
Impossible to say without knowing more. I see a lot of women out there saying they want something serious on the apps, with booty pics and all sorts of shit like that. That’s contradictory. Guys want a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. So, if you’re presenting yourself or carrying yourself in that way IRL, you’re going to have a harder time finding someone who takes you seriously. Be fun, be playful, and put out the vibe of someone YOU would like to attract.
You are in college, why not try meeting guys there?
>Also it’s so annoying how the guys who are the most interesting and charismatic are usually the ones who just want to hook up.
It’s because they get sex without the commitment and get more pull. If you’re going foe the A+ men, then you, yourself must be an A+ girl or you’re just gonna be a object that they are in no short supply of.
Make a list of what you want in a partner, then be that person on the list.
Speaking from a guy’s perspective I can give you the honest answer which is that men will generally see some women as hookup material and some women as girlfriend material. Being honest is a great personality trait to have, but the “freeing personality” archetype might turn guys off in regards to a relationship. The more independent you present yourself, the less men are going to see you as someone who *wants* a boyfriend. The vast majority of men want a woman, in regards to girlfriend material specifically, who is feminine, kind, shows interest in him, and wants to be a part of his life. The more free spirited you are, the less of that vibe you give off. So assuming I’m correct in reading what you meant, I think you may be self sabotaging a bit by presenting yourself as someone who doesn’t really want or need a partner while internally you do.
Edited for grammar.
Please explain ur “freeing personality”
>Also it’s so annoying how the guys who are the most interesting and charismatic are usually the ones who just want to hook up.
It honestly sounds like it’s your choice of men. If you’re into dudes who get girls all the time, except to just be another lay. When an average guy approaches a girl who’s out of her league, he’ll just get turned down. If an average girl gives attention to an awesome guy, he’ll obviously take you up on it, but why would he date you? Unless you’re REALLY hot, or do something really awesome with your life, chances are you’ll only be an easy lay for these dudes.
My guess is that you’re simply going for dudes out of your league. Have you considered maybe giving some more thought to your preferences?
>radical honesty and freeing personality
Is that a roundabout way of saying you’re rude and don’t come off as serious? Well than don’t be rude and try for deeper conversation. You can’t control what others want from you, you just have to recognize if someone is genuinely interested and see if you can reciprocate that.
Omg please don’t take the advice of becoming the Man U want to date bs. If say a guy is hyper masculine leader type. Typically he isn’t going to want to date a woman so is the same. That’s just an example.
Typically it’s more a yin Yang situation. That ur 2 pieces to a puzzle and u fit into each other lives
Like do you want to date Urself just with a penis?
You’re in college. That’s the best place and time to find dates. Dating apps are for people who don’t have that kind of opportunity in real life.
Talk to the guys around you at school.
Most men will sleep with anyone. The men you want are the same men other girls want too.
Lol, yeah, you put off that non-gf material here too. Sounds like you have growing up to do. Until then you are gonna stuck with boys who wanna hook up. Men aren’t interested in immature girls.
The first thing to do is be a good person. That also means being good to yourself. People take notice of good people.
Have standards. Don’t hook up with them. Don’t give them girlfriend experiences without the title. Be his friend, but not so much that he sees you as one of his bros.
Text them just enough to let them know you like them, not so much you become texting buds. Do not send nudes or overtly sexual messages.
Have your own style. Dress well. Be classy.
Be funny. Have a lot to say. Be a good listener. Be ever so slightly mysterious so he wants to know more about you.
Be vulnerable but not gullible.
These are the things that have worked for me.
Don’t have casual sex with them. You also get a reputation for being easy. Don’t be easy.
Do you tend to be openly sexual with guys right off the bat? (initiating sexual conversations, talking about your experiences, sexting, sending sexy pics). That communicates that you’re a “good time girl” and nothing more. He will have no incentive to build intimacy and earn trust to get you to open up. You can’t control how someone treats you, but you can control the way you allow yourself to be treated. That means valuing yourself, and not just letting a guy sleep with you quickly without proving that he wants to invest time, effort, or other resources in you.
The first issue is that you’re young and probably confusing sexual attention with “he likes me.” I know it sucks, but a guy (especially at your age) does not even have to like you to want to have sex with you. Sad, yes. But true.
Second problem is you are going after a certain type of guy, one who has absolutely no reason to commit to one girl. Imagine you’re a 21 year old guy who’s tall and good looking and used to getting a lot of attention from the girls around him. He doesn’t even have to put in much effort, and the girls are naturally drawn to him. What possible reason would he have to pick just one “nice girl” when he can have a steady rotation who don’t require him to put in effort. Especially when you’re agreeing to sleep with him right away…. These guys are basically just looking to stick their dick in as many things as possible.
Be loyal don’t cheat and communicate
You are already girlfriend material. You just need to find the guy who wants you as his girlfriend.
Therein lies the difficult parts . some people have it easier and some people don’t.
On one hand it sounds like you’re getting the dates and even engaging in sexual encounters with people which is one of the aspects that some people enjoy. But you’re trying to find that one guy for the commitment so if it’s not the guys you’re meeting right now you just have to keep on looking
As you get more and more experience and if yellow flags or red flag behaviors are popping up whenever you meet and interact with new guys then maybe you have to listen to your gut and keep passing on those guys, since your experience may tell you that they’re going to do the same thing again to you.
One of the biggest factors is you should stay away from the norm of dating these days. Stay away from any guy on a dating app because they don’t want to put in the work. Look for the guys who aren’t dating and just stay friends for a while. Generally, if not them they’ll have a friend who is looking for someone to date.
You date within your league