Long post, but would mad appreciate some advice here.
My girlfriend (21F) and I (23M) have been together for over a year and a half. We have a great sex life, or at least I thought so until recently. My girl has never had any complaints or requests in the bedroom- she always says she loves it and is constantly turned on for me and initiating sex. So I always assumed it’s as good for her as it is for me. But recently, after a particular amazing round I randomly asked her “did you come?” And she smiled and said “almost.” I was kind of taken aback because I just assumed she had, and I guess i was always assuming this since she didn’t say otherwise. So since then I’ve come to realize that no matter how turned on she is, how loud or vocal she is- she doesn’t ever finish. Never. She says she has before with me, but im not sure I even believe that.
I asked her what makes her come the easiest and she just said she doesn’t know. She said she can make herself finish on her own, but with a partner, she has an extremely hard time. She had a pretty traumatic first sexual experience before we met and thinks that it’s made it really hard to “let go” fully in a presence of a man. She also said she used to be really sensitive and have many spots that would turn her on when touched, but after her first time she doesn’t and is very desensitized. (Her first time was a few years ago and she has had other partners since then)
She has always told me she loves it when I use her and loves to be dominated and treated like an object. But when I’ve tried to focus a session on her needs she just says she doesn’t want the focus on her and just wants to please me. She told me she loves having sex with me and doesn’t care if she finishes, but it bothers me because I want sex to be more equal. I love her and I’m genuinely having the best sex of my life with her, but I want to make sure she is too. How can I help make her more able to let go, and finally get there?
TLDR: my girlfriend says she can’t mentally “let go” enough to finish and is physically desensitized. What can I do to make sex more satisfying for her?
8 comments
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I don’t know if this will work, but if she’s up for it, you could try holding her while she masturbates (or perhaps mutual masturbation) to see if she can learn to cum in your presence. Then gradually increase your amount of participation in these sessions and see if she can teach you to make her cum. You could also try incorporating vibrators if those can help her cum more easily. It’s admirable that you want to please her, just try to take it at her pace and don’t put too much pressure on her.
So, there are a few things that come to mind about your particular situation:
First, understand that a woman’s sexual gratification is as much her responsibility as it is her partners. And if she’s telling you she’s enjoying it, despite not reaching orgasm, believe her. I know you want her to feel that orgasmic release, but sex can still be quite enjoyable even when you don’t or can’t cum.
Second, try starting a session with her masturbating and you sitting beside/behind her, touching and teasing her and encouraging her. This may help her get comfortable climaxing with you even if you’re not the one providing the stimulation. While doing this, when she’s starts to climax, add a helping hand (or mouth) and continue the stimulation. Again, this reinforces the mutual experience and may help bridge the mental gap she has.
Third, you mentioned that she enjoys being submissive and used; try to put yourself in domspace and let her know that the way you want to use her is to make her climax, that doing so is how she can please you. If she’s truly submissive and wants to please, the idea of cumming for you may also break down the wall she’s built up. *He wants me to cum. He needs me to cum. It’ll make him happy and I want to make him happy so I’m going to cum for him.*
If she’s comfortable enough with the idea, I’d suggest a forced O session where you restrain her and spend a good amount of time stimulating her and then force her to climax. Vibrating wands are great for this type of play. Once you’ve made her climax, switch to PIV sex but continue to use the wand until she climaxes again. This will help her get used to the sensation of climaxing during intercourse.
Ultimately, you just need to talk to her about why her pleasure and gratification is important to you while also making sure she understands she’s not doing anything bad or wrong. She needs to be comfortable and needs to feel safe and relaxed enough to “let go” as you put it. Don’t force it or make it a big deal, but help her understand it’s a journey you want to share with her and that you’re willing to be as patient as you need to be to help her share the same pleasure she gives you.
Best of luck.
Wanna know why magic wands are called “magic”?
Vibrator goes bzzzzzz.
I’m very similar to your gf in a lot of ways. Unfortunately you can’t “make” her do anything. I know you mean that in a good way, but it has to come from her, not you.
As long as she knows you’re a safe space – open to communicating, being there for her, wanting to please her – that’s the best you can do.
If she wants her sexual experience to change, she needs to do the work on herself to make that happen.
You push this to hard you could make it worse. You need to listen to her and just give her time to learn to trust and be fully vulnerable around you and you completely doing the opposite of what she told you she wanted is not going to accomplish that
This was literally me in my 20s and as much as I enjoyed sex, a part of me still felt like I had to ‘perform’ and a lot of my mental hangup was from feeling like I didn’t come quick enough for my partner and that they would get tired. I also didn’t think I would ever experience PIV orgasm, much less multiple, until I met my husband.
My tip is to really lay on the foreplay, lavish her in attention/praise, and don’t keep asking her if she came (she will let you know and it takes the pressure off not being asked). Personally, I think a big part of being to orgasm is being mentally relaxed, which I couldn’t do if I was too focused on when my partner expected me to come.
I relate to your girlfriend, and though my partner and I still have several issues thanks to my previous trauma and how that’s affected my attitudes towards sex, I now have a recipe to come pretty reliably with my partner. Just some things to try referencing what works for me:
For me it’s all about the boobs, and a sex therapist I follow also emphasizes the importance of turning on a woman through their breasts. I’m pretty fuckin easy, I come easily just with him touching my tits, but if she says she doesn’t like it at all, I would keep trying a few different things before giving up on it entirely. It can be great for foreplay.
I also enjoy being submissive and sometimes that “forced to come” situation is hot, but it’s much more psychological than physical, restraining or aggressive. It’s a big turn on when my boyfriend takes great pleasure in making it his sole mission to get me there, and enjoy seeing and feeling me come with absolutely no judgement – that took some time for me to trust him with my full reaction, which we keep slowly pushing the envelope.
I sometimes use blindfolds to a) focus on the sensations (he’s giving me) and b) reduce the pressure I might feel from him watching me. Your girlfriend might find some comfort in not seeing your eyes on her, especially as she’s trying to get more comfortable coming with you, and it’s kinda hot for you, because you can oogle all you want unfiltered.
Try less friction sex and more allowing her to feel you inside her. She may not want to use you up right away but finding ways to incorporate pulsing or just letting her massage you in her own way with you inside her.
Having said that, keep in mind women have a harder time reaching orgasm with penetration (if you didn’t already know that), so take the pressure off you and her expecting that and try other ways.
I can be really physically desensitized, but maybe she likes being submissive because she can get more psychologically turned on. Keep on that, and her body may start to react more once she’s hyped by the way you talk to her or insinuate things. And getting deeper into those roles may help her build trust in you where she’ll start to feel safe letting go under more regular circumstances.
Although it’s very loving of you that you want to focus on her at least sometimes (my partner is very interested in this), sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure when the goal, without a warm-up or turn on, is established to be to get me to come. It might be better to start more mutually or focusing on you and transition into focusing on her more organically. And if it doesn’t happen don’t take it personally, and demonstrate that you’re ok with that, so she can start discerning that it’s safe to come and not come, there’s no pressure. It’s ok that she doesn’t come sometimes, and she needs to know that from experience, especially since she likely wouldn’t have experienced that before ❤️
Be patient with this, like….months patient, maybe longer 😬 however long she was with other partners that treated her like garbage, she’ll need to see at least that long of demonstrated evidence to contradict those grounded fears that lead to lack of trust and comfort with letting go. But enjoy the steps she takes along the way with you, and notice them and celebrate them.